2012 - 7 Year Process to Nothingness - Day 1 - Fear

 Fear

Today I had a peak into my schizophrenia when it was proposed to start this process and document it for ourselves and others.

While we were checking who was up for it and who wasn't and while, obviously, I had a moment of distraction and lost the grip on my fingers, I saw myself typing, I WILL, after that I just spent the rest of the chat in a sort of paralyzed haze while my mind played out for me how I never, ever in my Life I stuck to anything for 7 straight years, except Pot.

When the chat was over I had a discussion with myself and put my foot down, if Fear is what I have to face to start this process I might just as well start from this, because I was not happy to join, and this was part of the chat I later had with myself about happiness, as if we have not already worked out that Happiness is not Real, so can I let my perceived unhappiness and mind tantrum dictate what I have to do to stand up as an Equal ? No, no chance and so as B, says, I decided to take the Bull by the horns and make a new Blog to talk about this point and forgive it on the Spot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel fear at the idea of having to engage anything for 7 years just because I have never done it before

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than others who were "Happy" to join according to my definition of happiness as Eager while I saw myself more pulled by my body into this project in total separation between Mind and Body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to broadcast for myself a movie of all the times I failed to stick to something for a long period of time as a way to dissuade myself from standing up and gifting myself this opportunity to stand for myself and existence as One and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a coward because I did not feel eager instead of seeing I cannot feel eager to dismantle myself if Ego is what I have always been and I don't know yet who I will be yet I direct myself to make the choice that is Best for All and not the one that is best for my petulant scared shit less Ego

 forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others who have walked with more consistency than me and to feel less than them because I did not see myself at their same point of self directiveness instead I had the impression of having been tricked by my fingers while 'I' had absolutely no intention to do this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I as the Ego wants in the self interest of its own survival is in any way relevant or a point to be considered instead I see that as Ego I can never make the choice that is Best for All and so I choose to leave myself as Ego  behind to embrace oneness and equality as who I am as One and Equal with everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the physical so much that I perceived my fingers making a decision that was against my will, while I  know that it was only my fear standing in the way between myself as self direction as doing what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to terrorize myself with ideas and projections of how I will feel when I fail having never stuck to anything for so long, instead I see that these projections are my mind 'Grand Finale' like in fireworks and that I am the one deciding what is best for me and best for All as One and Equal birthing myself as Life into the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use time as a weapon to frighten myself because time as in length is something scary meaning consistency in commitment that I have never had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I have never been able to committ to something for a long period of time than I have to fail this time too

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I may fail and embarrass myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear embarrassment fearing my own self judgement and the judgement of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear mine and others judgement regarding my possible failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel this task as a weight on my shoulders that I will have to endure for 7 years, instead of realizing I am the one putting this weight on my shoulder by projecting myself into the future for a ginormous lenght of time into an unknown task

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge 7 years as a ginormous amount of time when I know that time is relative because I have spent 17 years in Asia and I almost didn't even notice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike process, because it sounds like 'something to do' and I have embraced my life as the freedom of doing what I want and not what needs to be done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself under a ton of unnecessary pressure because I want to see the amount of work I will have to put into this, instead of seeing it as a day by day process and extensive support that I give to myself by consistently writing myself out as a commitment to me and existence as a whole and what is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having things to do because I don't want to take self responsibility for supporting myself consistently and I interpret consistency as a jail sentence instead of seeing consistency as the consistent support I agree to give to myself meaning I will stop to let myself down and I will build self trust and self responsibility as who I am as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear undertaking a task that involves time because I project myself into my failure which is time connected instead of stopping future projection of any kind to just walk every day in self honesty and self responsibility as self support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fear is real and one and Equal to who I am as Life, Fear is an emotion generated by my participation in thoughts, memories and future projection and is NOT REAL

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into Fear relative to having directed myself to undertake this 7 year process to walk as a group, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have already forgiven myself and keep walking day by day until it's done

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into Fear regarding my inability to stick to anything for a certain lenght of time, I remind myself that I have never stood for something for myself and existence Equal and One and therefore all references that my mind offers to show me that it is an impossible task are based on ideas and opinions of who I have been that I will clear out as I keep walking consistently until nothing of me remains so that on the blank slate that used to be me the New World as me can be rewritten for What is Best for All

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear regarding this process I stop, breathe, and breathe, and breathe until I see with clarity why I have decided to stand for myself and existence Equal and One and keep walking until this is done

I stand for myself and existence Here Equal and One, in Breath until it is Done.