Day 78: 'Fuck it', My favourite Character

It's been a bit challenging to contain the outflow of the new thoughts regarding this 'Character' perspective, it seems a bit daunting as well having to face all of the thoughts as Characters.

But then I saw that we have been given a lead with the Character perspective, a way to use Characters to pull together thoughts  under specific Character Umbrella, as Characters are the Corporations managing our Relationships and resources as Energy.

Some of this work was outlined a long time ago by Assagioli, an Italian M.D. who wrote the Theory of Psychosynthesis and of the Subpersonalities/Characters.
At the time no one had a fleeting clue about how it would be possible to delete subpersonalities/Characters, so Dr. Assaggioli offered 'Character management' Theories, designed to establish how much 'Air Time' should each Character/Personality get during the day and when, as to not mine the smooth flow of an apparently normal life.

Of course this was impossible, no matter how much one committed to become a good Orchestra Director and manage all of the instruments toward a symphony, some players would just step out of line,  sing out of tune in and at their own leisure and just do their own little number when least expected.

Assaggioli tried to get the Soul to step in for help, which did not work either as the Soul, like all the rest, was ultimately unreliable, the Origin was unreliable, the Director/Soul was ultimately just another Character.

What has been created by unreliability could never turn into something reliable, not in a million years (oh wait, we have actually PROVEN this point, since we kept coming back again and again and we have not become any better at managing ourselves and our own Corporations as Characters/Personalities), in fact if there was space for it, we have proven that the fuck ups can be endless and the looping in circles can take unexpected twists and turns and ultimately deliver us back where we started, to ourselves as the Characters we kept hoping we could fool and move away from, once we decided we no longer liked one 'of us' or agreed with one of us/Me but no matter how far we went, everything and everyone came along, it's surprising how can we ever feel lonely given the Psychotic brigade we carry along, and maybe we would stop feeling Alone if we stood Here and took a good look at how many of Us, how many Mes are always really around.

The reason why I had a bit of excitement about this Character perspective is because I like organizing, one of my favorite things, I like filing as well, so now is to apply the opposite of filing, it is to pick up a label, a definition of myself, that can even be a thought and look underneath what is there, what keeps this thought, personality alive, where did it start, it's possible that if I get the label right, everything will be filed under it, linked to it, connected through threads of relationships of memories, emotions and feelings and I can use my own filing system to undo myselves, isn't what the Mind is after all, an organizing ensemble of thoughts, emotions and feelings that we call experiences and then we define the experiences and they became 'Our Life' and Who We are, until we stop it, stop the Illusion of Separation and the desire to be More within the search for the More of me and the More than Here, and just see, We were always Here from the very beginning, until and unless we were not.

So, I want to start this deconstructing exercise with 'Fuck it', I don't have a specific name for this Character of Mine but this would be the sentence that defines it the most.

Of the many characters of mine this is one of the Most devastating, it is the one the leads the dance to the Rock Bottoms of My Life, the Pied Piper that has defined Life specifically as the Desire for More of something, anything, as long as it's toxic, numbing, exciting or destructive.

The origin of this character is in my perception of uselessness and defeat, whenever I have faced one of these 2 points in my Life 'Fuck it' steps in and takes over with my blessing and permission.

'Fuck it' is Fearless, never wonders or evaluates consequences be them on my physical body or on my mental balance, 'Fuck It' likes it hard, 'Life' to the fullest, the extra drink, the most damaging Spirit, the joint that will make me faint, the sex that won't allow me to sit straight for a couple of days, 'Fuck it' is Brave and careless, when Fuck it steps in sadness goes out of the window, it's the stepping onto the roller coaster for that extra kick, the careless life, the breeze in the hair.

I don't have one good memory of Life after ''Fuck it', today as I was looking at this point I saw that Characters exist in duality as well, 'Fuck' it has an antagonist, it's 'That's It'.

'That's It' steps in after the ravaging of 'Fuck It' is over, to pick up the pieces, 'That's It' takes me out of the rock bottoms of my life, it's a responsible Character, not self responsible, there is no Self in any of the two, One is the Law Breaker, One is the Re-Aligner, both have the system as a guideline, I am nowhere to be seen whenever One of the two is active I am just not Here and mostly not even breathing in and as awareness.

'Fuck it' has had a lot of Air Time in my Life and is a Character I have treasured, the Happy-go-Lucky (to nowhere), the uplifter (from imaginary downs) and generally my Alter Ego, the One that I could always walk after and apologize for, because I was just too ..... whatever to be self responsible for my thoughts, words and deeds, it seems like a Shame to let it go, how will I hide my lack of self responsibility when 'Fuck it' won't be around anymore ?

Today 'Fuck It' showed up for some Air Time, I gave in, together we went on a carbo break and topped it with an ice cream, none of these foods is supportive to me as the physical especially in this moment, it's time to say goodbye and let this Character go, it's an abusive relationship turned sour.

'Fuck It'.

Thoughts connected to this Character

You only live Once

Might just as well

Who cares

Enough is enough

Sometimes you have just go to....

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down (Mary Poppins)

Forget about it

Moving on

Feelings and Emotions

Sadness, Joy, Anxiety, Longing for something, Fear

Identified Circumstances for activation

Sense of Defeat, Desire for a Reward not received, Perception of Uselessness/Hopelessness

Will write out the relative Self Forgiveness Tomorrow on the points I have exposed to myself.

Day 12: The Con of Compliments

Today I saw myself react to a 'compliment' about my character, it was subtle yet I could remember having had the same movements in the past as well and dismissing them as 'pleasant anticipation'.

The reason is that while I look for compliments, I fear them as well, because I see that compliments became brick of beliefs that contributed to consolidate my personalities in and as myself as my beLIEfs about 'who I am' specifically because compliments are meant to make us feel good, and since we designed ourselves always looking for that 'high' they are hard to dismiss.

So while I was listening today to my friend talk and I saw the language build up leading to a compliment, I tensed, yet I waited for the treat, to see what was there of good that my friend wanted to say and share about me and who he thinks I am.

I found that I have never really enjoyed compliments, as in every compliment in my life I saw how I had designed that moment and led the person up to it to confirm me as a personality.

While I was choosing the topic to write about in this mainly uneventful day, I saw an invitation in my mail that said "Join us, many Personalities will be there !", I had never before noticed the word 'personalities' in the context I saw it today, which was pretty awful, meaning, we gather together and build relationships for the sole psycothic purpose of building and maintaining personalities we believe in and we may convince others about, the rules of engagement are clear yet unspoken, I will believe in your personality, and support it, and you will believe in mine, and support it.

Just before my breakdown shortly before Desteni I had become aware we were in a personality play, this is a bit complicated to relate in one go and I will expand about it, but one thing made it very clear, the fact that people with multiple personality disorders, had personalities with different allergies, sharing the SAME ONE BODY.

That proves that our diseases are NOT physical, but personality related, mind related as personalities are our mind's creations, and when we switch from one personality to another, we affect our physical at many levels, we basically abuse ourselves as the physical, while we superimpose on it our personalities, and then we move in the world as if this was a stage, missing out the Physical reality we all share, One and Equal.

My personality play had become extensive, we know that we shift continuously between our imaginary accepted and allowed 'roles', we behave differently as a friend, daughter, student, sister, mother, granddaughter, and every shift we make, is a moment we miss Here, where the wholeness of ourselves exists One and Equal with the Physical, but we gave it up, believing we were never good enough to just exist as Self Expression and we made up a whole imaginary world in which we role play ourselves to Death, Literally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a Personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build acceptable personalities through which I role play myself to Death, because I feared existing Here as Self Expression in simplicity in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's handy to have different personalities to interact with others, instead of realizing that each personality I design is a step further into separation from me Here as Self Expression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have multiple personalities so everyone will find something to like about me, because I feared not being liked and not being good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is important that others 'like me' because I have not yet accepted myself unconditionally so I designed personalities that others may like making myself believe I am accepted by others instead of facing the point that I have not yet accepted myself unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT accept myself unconditionally and for not accepting others unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'conditions' must be met to be accepted and for designing personalities that fit such 'conditions' instead of looking at my creation point and Self Correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow conditions that I must fit into to be acceptable, instead of accepting myself unconditionally Here as Self Expression in every moment of Breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support others' personalities so they would support mine and we could keep going into and as the self delusion of the mind, pretending to support each other while we are just all supporting each others' 'ideas' and personalities of ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a compliment to confirm my personality and to fear a compliment because I can now see it's another brick in support of my personalities delusion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel tension in anticipation of a compliment that I can see it's coming because I fear I will be pleased and in that moment of feeling good I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as the delusion of the Mind of emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be 'pleased'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not good enough to stand in and as Self Expression Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than Life as Self Expression through my delusional personalities play out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be somebody' because within and as this desire I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was not enough in and as Self Expression Here in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself desiring or about to desire to be more by telling stories about me as a Personality, I stop, breathe, realize that personalities are Not real and I am giving up my Fake Life for Life Here, Equal and One in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into comparison about 'other personalities' I stop, Breathe, remind myself that mine or others personalities are not real, so in support of myself and to others One and Equal I stop formulating compliments to consolidate others' personalities as I stop desiring compliments as a way to validate myself

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire for self validation, I stop, breathe, remind myself that only the Ego needs and desires to be validated and that I am stopping my existence in and as Ego for What is Best for All, One and Equal

I commit myself to becoming aware of my personalities plays so that I may take on one point at the time into investigating and  deconstructing myself, until only what is real remains, Life, One and Equal in Self Expression in and as Breath as What is best for All.

Day 9: Death of a friend

I had 2 experiences in my Life with the Death of a friend, 3 in fact, two were real, and one was not, for the non real one, she did die too, but just in my mind.

I had a dream about her, twice in two days, I had read the Blog on Regret , and how to let it go, or better, how to not let it go until we make sure we clear that point that prompted the regret who is actually always with us reminding us how we live, what goes on in our secret mind, prompting us to stop, while we keep going, muffling it up, putting a cushion on its head to not hear the regretful screams, I did not get it two days ago, I'm on a delayed train, I do get things, just a little slower, they have to sink in when I am not watching to understand the point with my mind, to force it down my throat in the usual act of  forcing what could be seen clearly in awareness effortlessly, I'm still a living fight with myself on my way to correction, so something must have compounded and I dreamed about the non-dead-but-Dead-to-me-One, as a clear point of suppression.

In my dreams, we were still friends, I noticed how I cherished that feeling of 'safety' of a space where I was really wanted around, appreciated, special.

I cannot recall the details but I know it has to do with regret, funny because when I read the regret script and it talked about relationships, it went over my head, my mind said, 'you don't have relationships' which is true as in 'sentimental/ romantic relationships', I don't really consider Friendships as relationships as in the context I have read, due to the way my mind translates the word in Italian, which is related more to sex, more intimate, more exclusive, instead friendships are relationships, and both are just ships one boards to deny the truth that we are alone in this journey, that we have to face the fact that until I can trust me, I will never ever be able to trust anyone, and until I stop to fear me I cant' stop fearing You.

To add some benevolence here I can say I felt less for my friends that died, they died, our friendship never imploded, it did not have time, it was not the same, they did not leave behind a gap of guilt and shame and a sense of loss, they simply died, there is no refusal in death as in life, they did not die to spite me, we spite in life as we move along our ideas of ourselves and do whatever it takes to keep them alive, to keep our sense of worth alive in separation from who we are as Life.

When the friendship with my girlfriend ended, I had a difficult time with myself, one of my primary mind relationships no longer existed and I found it hard to find a balance of me without THIS specific mind relationship that had defined ME for over 10 years, our friendship defined who I was, in her friendship I could reflect my imaginary worth as an Ego, my imaginary goodness and benevolence and she could do the same, then one day the castle of cards imploded and I was alone again, the truth is it ended when she became close to my ex husband, and I moved into jealousy as I feared he would become friend with her as he had not been with me, honest, while our marriage was based on huge dishonesty from both sides, that I shared with my friend, so the fear came as well, that my secrets would be exposed, that what I shared with her in more honesty than I reserved for anyone else, would now be an open book to my ex husband and that he would be able to flip the pages of me, and read what he had never understood and that I failed to express and explain, and this was not OK.

My friendship was based on the containment of secrets, this is why as well when I wrote her a very hurtful letter that I closed with a spiteful line to say 'you see, now I want to harm you as much as you harmed me', which is the epitome of my delusion, in fact she was the cracking point of my delusion, very specific, Because I could not believe anything I wrote to her as I saw all the underline movements of backchat that led me to that point, yet her reply was even more stunning, as I meant I had already done plenty harm with my letter, while she read it as a threat that I would expose HER to her husband. Is this because she did in fact expose me and in our spitefulness and retaliation we believe getting even is an eye for an eye ? an I for an I ? Did she think I would do that because of who I was, or because of who she was ? Or because of who we were ?

In that I saw the point that we are never friends with anyone, we are just the great pretenders and we would do anything we need to do to survive as personalities, an I for an I, there was a purpose to her friendship with my ex husband that did not include me, that made me feel pushed aside because the feeling good of each one of us is what we are really after and not the fluffy goodness we talk about, that one is fake, it's a cut throat world, and it's always been, better you down than me, she did to me what I did to others, including her husband even though i told myself I was more decent, reality is there is no decency in what we do to win a position on the planet as Egos, where if I lose I don't exist and so I win, regardless of how many deaths I live in my wake, so why do we condemn capitalism when capitalism is the Capital I through which we move and face every single thing in our world ?

I stop the Capital I to walk a process that is Best for All, the Capital I will be corrected as Me and as Me the correction will reflect back as the World, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself in and as relationships in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to the relationship of and as my mind than to myself and for looking for worth outside of myself as I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless when my friendship with C. ended

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for my behaviour due to having allowed a backchat to take the driving seat of my life as me and hurting someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can hurt someone else when I see I can only hurt myself and others can only hurt themselves within the bubble mind reality in which we have separated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what I did when I was fueled and motivated by anger that I justified because of something someone did to me instead of taking responsibility for my anger, stop it and stand up to correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire we were still friends with C. because her friendship was a good mirror in my life although a delusional one, but we had managed to walk the tightrope of con-vincing each other we were good people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be good'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I felt after our friendship broke up because I would have to face my own judgement of myself to self forgive it and let it go but I rathered suppress it so I would not have to face myself and stand as the correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use drugs, alchol and food to suppress when the back chat and the consequent emotional typhoon became too much to handle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my friend raised a spoiled brat just because I imagined I would have done a better job as a mother, even though I knew I would have fucked up royally as a mother which is the reason why I did not have children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friend and what I beLIEved we had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make her suffer in spitefulness because I believed she made me suffer and she had to pay for it, even though I never admitted this was the reason why I wrote such a nasty letter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that spitefulness is normal when we are faced with let downs because I embraced my culture teachings of passion and revenge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Scorpio are revengeful and since I am a Scorpio I must be revengeful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to spitefulness, manifesting spitefulness in and as the world I have created through my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself on this point about my friend, to spite and punish myself for what I have done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful for talking about my best friend with other friends after our fight so I could make it clear She drove me to this point and it was her fault and she was the one to blame, while I could see I did not want to take responsibility for what went on between us to stand up and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my friends in HK told me that it was clearly C.'s fault and they always wondered why and how I could stand that she had become close friend with my ex, because I did not stood up for her to say I was the one who encouraged it because I wanted to show that I was worldly and not petty as I really was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as spiteful and petty as bad, instead of seeing that everyone that participates in and as the mind is petty and spiteful and I'm Equal in the fuck up and I'm now equalizing myself to live in and as the correction to walk out of the Mind and birth myself in and as the physical One and Equal as Life

When and as I see myself entertaining my back chat about someone I know, I remind myself that  I no longer participate in gossip, outside with people or inside my mind, as I do what I like to receive and gossiping is not the reflection of the world of support I want to correct myself into and correct the world into One and Equal as me

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spitefulness, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer want to participate in spitefulness of the small or the big kind and breath myself back Here until I no longer think or feel spitefulness for anything or anyone

I commit to eradicate spitefulness from my Life through writing, self forgiveness and corrective application as spitefulness drove this world to this point and spitefulness must end in all its forms to allow a world that is best for all.

I commit to stop my back chat about people in my life through writing and corrective application, until I can stand clear of any spitefulness and manifest this correction in and as the world One and Equal to me.

 

Day 7: Lies as a way of Life

I finally got the H202 by mail from Holland from a site Larry suggested.

I read the instructions and found out you can have an Oxygen bath, it took me almost 1 of the 2 bottle I bought to try that out, so I went into fear that soon I would 'not have enough' to try out the Hydrogen Peroxide program.

Two weeks ago I went to our oldest Chemist shop in Milan and asked them to make it for me, when the doctor asked me what would I use it for and why didn't I buy the ready made one in 36% (which is the one to die your hair blond) I went into a lenghty explanation and I had to force myself to tell her the truth, which was 'I want to start a health program and I have to take daily drops'. Since my starting point was the belief and fear that they might not give it to me, due to my extensive judgement of how the system works against ME/US and the fact that they want to keep ME/US dumb and dependent, I stumbled upon myself a few times, looked like a dumb ignorant woman with airy fairy stories and this led to them writing on the papers I brought a huge "NO" with a red pen.

I left the chemist in anger and frustration, the writing in red letters brought me back to school time and the marks on my assignments, the red ones were always 'BAD', meaning I was 'BAD', I looked at the point, saw that it had nothing to do with them, applied Sf for my reactions and not seeing that it was a starting point of safety the one they came from and that they were just reflecting back to me my existence as a non responsible human being for which, they took responsibility.

I did not let it go, it was just a surface letting go, so when I got the products through the Internet my backchat laid out 10 possible stories I could now relate when going back there to ask them again to make it for me, mostly because I found absurd to have to pay that kind of money plus shipping when behind my home there is a chemist that can make it for me.

It took me a while to work out my back chat in detail, first the few possible stories, built and worded in different ways to make My point, second the point of no longer telling them I wanted to drink it because this was a key point in their refusal to give it to me, third the possible offer of giving them a self written disclaimer to uplift them from responsibility and last, the cherry on the cake, the threat, I could ask them to write down the reasons for their refusal and take them to the Consumer Court, not that I intended to do it, but it was my putting my foot down, to show them that they can't fuck with me, I'm knowledgeable about my rights and an European citizen, I have a right to have access to anything that is available in Europe and that I can buy through Internet. All this happened when I had not yet gone out of the door, when I became aware, I stopped and breathed, put on my MP3 to listen to Anu's interviews and walked to the Chemist telling myself that I did not need to THINK about it if I told them the truth and that I would not threaten them of anything, in fact this idea of threatening them left me quite disgusted with myself, than one wonders how BIG threats are going on in the world every day, am I not part of the threatening system this world has become ?

So, I reached the chemist, and approached the same doctress that last time told me yes first but then the chemist forbid the making of it and she told me to go and talk to the chemist directly this time.

I felt agitated, I took out my H202 bottle received by mail and told them maybe I had made a mistake between volume and percentage (this was one of my prepared stories) start by taking the 'blame' and could she check again as this bottle I got was not dangerous as I spilled some on my hand and nothing happened (which was true after I had poured it in a glass bottle, she told me later, probably diminishing it's burning effect), anyway, I brought with me one empty bottle, to show her I had already used it responsibly and I was alive, and one sealed bottle.

The sealed bottle leaked on both of our hands...and spotted them white, this was embarrassing because I felt she would think I lied the one time I did not,  stressed the fact that I needed 2 litres to take oxygen baths, I never talked again about drinking it and she did not ask, even though I brought with me the program paper again that did in fact talk about it.

Anyway, she accepted to make it for me.

While I walked out from the chemist I did not have my usual feeling of 'winning' an argument, in fact I felt rather humiliated to see that my real nature and the one that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in and as is to lie first, which is weird even to write out, because I never considered 'makig up stories' as lying since this is what everyone does, and I could not feel guilty for just doing it better, but the becoming aware of how I as the mind would just do anything, say anything, even in instances that are quite insignificant like this 'just to win' left me depressed.

Not only, I make my shopping online now to avoid supermarkets and the thousands of 'special offers' that I give in to because I buy into the bullshit that the 'more you buy he more you save' and I have been correcting myself a lot on this point but I have found out that when I buy online I spend much less, which proves I am a mind controlled slave, that responds to marketing tricks and designs to push me to buy, the way things are laid out, the huge 'special offers red signs' etc.

Anyway, for same odd reasons I am one day behind in my head, my mum says I lost it in February, I don't know how it's possible to 'lose a day' but I know that  had 4 incidents since February when I thought it was the day after, like I thought it was Friday on a Thursday.

Yesterday it happened again, so I was supposed to have my delivery on Friday, and thought yesterday was Friday, I had requested they delivered between 6pm and 8pm, but I was late coming back from the chemist, I arrived home at 6.25 pm, first I told myself they had not come yet, then I started to fear they did come but waited until 8 pm and then called, the offices were closed, I even rechecked the supermarket confirmation and DID NOT notice it was for Friday, which proves another point, that we do not see reality but what we believe and accept reality to be, so I spent last night making up stories to tell them about why THEY did not find me at home, I went into this backchat for abut 20 minutes, I had made up 3 good stories at least, all of them leading to make THEM responsible for missing me, and again, this is not lying, just a way of life, then I caught myself as this was kind of quietly happening in the background of me with my occasional approval and I stopped, breathed and told myself that I would just call them this morning, come clean and apologize that I had been late and what we could do to fix MY miss-take.

Immediately all back chat stopped.

Yesterday I had a flash of the Doctor House serial and his comment, that everyone lies, and why he would go and check their homes for clues to work out their mysterious diseases, it's true, everyone lies as a way of life, starting with ME.

This morning when I called the supermarket and told them the truth, we discovered together the delivery was for tonight, so in 2 days, I had to face my desire to lie, no more, my dishonest nature twice, and how I have excused it all my life as the 'way things are and I better get good at this blaming game'.

Interestingly, none of the lies I desired and concocted to tell were in fact necessary, why not face the truth of me as a responsible person, why did I feel odd telling the truth in both cases, if not because the truth is alien to me and I am just not used to ever telling it like it is ?

I felt ashamed, so if I am a chronic liar, why do I expect to live in an honest world ?

Why should the politicians and the governments and the church and the psychics and the Elite and everyone else stop lying before me ?

Arent' they my representatives, aren't they the mirror of myself in my own creation where the world as me has aligned to what I accept and allow in and as myself ?

So I stop the liar in me to bring back honesty to this world, One and Equal to me and to walk my path of correction to build Self Trust as me, because as Cathy said, only when I stop lying as a way of life can I believe YOU, only when I stop fearing me can I stop fearing YOU.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to backchat myself into lying as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for ways to blame others so I don't have to stand as a responsible human being in everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear telling the truth in fer of the con-sequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the con-sequences that I myself design for myself through my participation in this world as self-dishonesty, instead of standing in and as self honesty in everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self honest, for fear of facing all the times in which I have been self dishonest as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self dishonesty as the way things are in the blaming game of this world and for making myself just 'better at it' meaning better at not being found out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the important thing about 'telling stories' is to build them convoluted enough to never have to be found out and having to face my self dishonesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my backchat first to check what I could say and what stories would be most convenient for me to tell, instead of standing as a self responsible human being and speaking myself here in breath and self trust that I can always face the consequences of my actions and when needed correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to portray myself as different and more than I am so I can feel good about myself, no matter which lies I will have to tell along the way to get to the 'good feeling' place about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lessened by red marks on a piece of paper as a sign that I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when someone tells me NO I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for catching myself wanting to lie as a way of life instead of stopping the shame as a emotion resulting from thoughts and backchat I have allowed myself to participate in and as, stop, breath and walk my self correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that my lies as a way of life are reflected back to me in the dishonest world I live in and as, and that to change the world into Honesty and Trust, I have to change me as the world One and Equal into Self Honesty and Self Trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the dishonesty in the world and for hating to live in such dishonest world, while in fact I have always only been the dishonest one and always and only hated myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for my dishonesty and for not standing up as the change that I want to see in this world, One and Equal to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be-LIEve that hate is real

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into a mind personality to portray myself as different from who I am in fear of others judgement, which is my own judgement of Self, I stop, breathe, remind myself that fear is not real and that I can be self honest about myself when I no longer have anything to hide

When and as I see myself desiring to lie to win an argument or to blame someone else for my own miss-takes, I stop, breathe, remind  myself that I do not need to win an argument or to fear making a miss-take, only Egos want to win arguments and fear, because winning and fear are not real

When and as I see myself blaming anything outside of myself for their dis-honesty, I stop, breath, bring it back to Self and remind myself that I am correcting myself to no longer exist as a Liar, so I can develop Self Trust and trust in the world, One and Equal

When and as I see myself desiring to win an argument, I stop, breathe, remind myself only Egos need to win to prove they exist and are superior to others, I no longer want superiority for myself and inferiority for another but Equality for All as One as Me

I commit myself to stop lying as a way of Life and to dig into myself to see how I have designed myself to never be honest in fear of losing out and losing myself 

I commit myself to breathe before I speak, check that I have no reactions that can fuel my automated shift into a mind personality that lies as a way of life, and in breath speak me as me, no longer separated from my words, but One and Equal to them, so that my words may build substance as Life and become the Life givers they should have always been and not the Life takers I turned them to be in my life of self interest and separation