Day 11: Re-Warding myself

I have a re-ward pattern, literally as I wrote it.

This re-ward applies to all areas of my life, when I lived in Hong Kong I had Reward cards from everywhere I went, I still keep some, I used to get a stamp for every purchase or treatment or whatever it was I spent money on.

Now that I am back in Italy I have started piling up reward cards again, they build up discounts and from the discounts you save Money within the old paradigm that the 'More you Spend the More You Save' (?).

When I don't have my reward cards, I don't shop, just in case I may miss out on some 'rewards'.

As a kid I would be rewarded with sweets or money by my grandparents, and as a consequence I associated both Money and Sweets to being Re-warded.

The Reward system started early within the Family System, I have seen this happen with other kids, when parents ask them to do something the answer has become 'what do you give me?', as if nothing can be given for free, this is how they teach us 'there are no free meals in this world', in fact in a way or another, we pay for every meal even at our parents' Home, either with obedience and respect or just plain submission.

Then, we move on and teach the same crap to other kids, least they may learn to just do something for the sake of it, just to contribute equally, to express themselves and their Life as Self.

A sentence that really irritates me is 'What's in it for me ?' The reason why this question irritates me is obvious, it's vulgar to ask such a question, it's better to keep such thoughts in One secret Mind and do all the calculations in hiding, never coming clean on the point of vulgarity which we have come to equate with Self Interest. Yet, we all share it, think about it and live by it, a Life of Rewards.

When we speak about Equal Money, this happens too, one of the Questions is 'Then Why should people work if they are getting enough to Live?", while we do not realize that this very Question proves we are brainwashed slaves, jumping ONLY for a prize/price, living a life where I myself state clearly that nothing is FOR FREE MY DEAR, and then we wonder how this world came about, when reward is our ultimate and only goal and it is so hidden and suppressed we can't even talk about it so we may self correct and start to see the world and ourselves differently, instead of living as sluts that have sold out long ago to the reward system and since WE wouldn't do anything unless a reward was involved, for sure no one else will.

I reward myself with food, this is weird, that I have turned something I need to survive into a reward system, where I grant myself treats for having been 'good' which means I fear being bad and not walking the line, plus I believe I have no pleasures left in Life as I have associated pleasures to anything that is non physical in separation from me, so my pleasures used to LIE in experiences of myself that I am no longer having, like smoking pot, partying, having Sex, entertaining and being cared for. None of these things are available to me at the moment, by my own decision, yet I have not cleared what they meant to me in terms of who I was within these experiences, my sense of identity as a fun company while now I spend my time reading news of tragedies and the manifested consequences of our existences where nothing that has no dollar sign or a reward imprint is of no value, so I have been abusing myself with food, the last resort, the one thing I have been hanging from, even though I have lost my taste, which comes and goes, over 3 years ago and I have not yet been able to get it back consistently. This is the extent of my disconnection from my body, the sense of life being tasteless as so much ugliness happens in the world inside and outside of me that I wish to disconnect, to lose the taste for this experience, relinquish for good any belief I ever held about pleasure in separation of myself as me, never realizing there is nothing I need of any worth to make up for my life of and as separation, and that no worth exist apart from Life whose worth is Life itself but I never got this until now, and even now is just becoming a possibility of something I may Self Realize once I stop living and existing as separation instead of Living Here as self Expression as Life in every moment of Breath.

My reward system manifests in the smallest things, even when I write blogs, I feel rewarded when people read them, or when Bernard and the old Desteni school approve them, I get the feeling of a 'job well done' because I am not enough to myself, I need acknowledgement and recognition and these can only come to me through competition, because I need to compare myself to others to judge myself and come out as Better, as having achieved more, more clicks, more likes, just something that establishes my value above others, it's subtle, but it's there, it's suppressed, yet is there, and until I face it I am a reward slut, motivating myself through and by the feed back of others, that feed me back what I need to survive, a sense of my worth and value from which I have separated myself, and in this separation I have re-warded myself, into the Psych Ward of my Mind as the very rewards I seek are my admittance slips into my own secret mad mad world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my life needs to be rewarded to have value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate food and money with reward and a sense of value in separation from me as Self Value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to collect reward cards to get a sense of being more for being rewarded and for feeling less when I am not rewarded

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not do something unless what I do is being rewarded in my mind in some ways

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek being rewarded as a way of life to prove my  worth from which I have separated myself as Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to be rewarded as a way to prove to myself that I am more than others for fear of being less than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek competition in the smallest things to prove my  worth in separation from self as Self worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in competition as a way to assess my worth and reassure myself about my self worth, from which I have separated myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with myself to outdo myself because I no longer want to compete with others but I have not kicked the habit yet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am worthless unless I get a reward to prove I am not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am worthless and for living One and Equal to the shame of my believed worthlessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide people at Desteni into a reward system based on time and length of process so I can feel more rewarded by measuring the lenght of time they have been in process and their time achieved value when they approve of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel rewarded by likes and dislikes on my posts as a way to give myself worth and value I have separated myself from as Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always calculate 'what's in it for me' because I believe there are no Free lunches in this world and within this belief I have accepted and allowed to manifest a world in which nobody does anything for nothing  and in which we have enslaved each other onto a wheel of rewards and punishment into infinity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reward myself with food and money because this was my first reward system to prove my worth and purpose, while I see that both food and money are just practical tools for survival and I no longer want to invest them of any other value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from food to the point that I can no longer taste the food as my body tried to prevent my self abuse through food, based on my taste preferences and not based on what food is supportive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body with food in search for some rewards because Life was not good enough because I was never Here in Breath experiencing me as Life in the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support my body with proper nutrition because I was too busy playing the reward game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sweet food as a reward for a bitter life which was my own creation for which I did not want to take responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a system of reward inside and outside of myself that manifested in this cut throat world where everyone is out there looking for their self worth into the Money System, trying to establish a Monetary value to define themselves by, while we lost our connection to Self and Our Self value within the physical expression of being Here in and as Breath and by participating in and as the Mind Consciousness System of delusions where everything we do is to reward ourselves or be rewarded

When and as I see myself looking to be rewarded or wishing to be rewarded, I stop, breathe, remind myself that Rewards are needs of the mind and as I no longer wish to participate in and as the Mind, I can let rewards go, to bring myself back Here in and Self Expression, correcting myself whenever this need desires arises by breathing myself back Here and out of the Mind

When and as I see myself thinking or about to think to ask myself or others 'what's in it for me ?', I stop, breathe, remind myself that I do not need to motivate myself with rewards, I can Self Direct myself into what needs to be done for what is Best for All without re-warding myself into the narrowness of my self interested mind

When and as I see myself about to abuse myself with food, I stop, breathe, understand that this is a long term pattern and it may take me a while to break it, so I won't beat myself on the head as in everything I do where I do not immediately succeed as I judge myself for not having been successful to change in one moment, I take all the moments of breath I  need to step by step undo this deep seated family pattern until I am One with my body in and as Self support

I commit myself to investigate all of my participation in this reward system to eradicate the ideas, beliefs and constructs of the re-warding system of and as myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live One and Equal to believing I needed to be rewarded for living a Life I do not enjoy, instead I learn to breathe more consistently and effectively so I can learn to enjoy Life as the physical expression of myself, with NO REWARDS as Life itself is the Reward I have always dismissed in my search and participation in and as energetic experiences of and as the Mind.

I commit myself to stop this existence of rewarding, in and outside of myself, One and Equal, so we may return to giving as we would like to receive, and doing what is Best for All as this was the original plan and reason for being Here and to learn how to live and express Here in Breath in Oneness and Equality in and as the Physical, making the Giving the Directive Principle of and as Life, the Life we wished to live, and so, as Life, we grant it to each other One and Equal