Thursday, April 19, 2012

Day 6: Life as Sorrow

I have cried a lot in my Life.
My mother cried a lot too, we like to cry in Italy, which should come as no surprise since all the movies that talk about us as personalities, show only the "loving life", careless, happy Parma Ham eating side of our personality; in a polarity world such excess will have to be balanced somehow somewhere, so we do all the necessary re balancing crying in the privacy of our homes, when we take off the Happy masks.
When I last spent time with my mum and we spoke about people, I said, "Ma, everyone pretends to be someone else, all this fake happiness happy go lucky attitude, it's fake", in the specific about a good friend of mine, who lives such a depressed existence behind closed doors that he has been unable to take care of his home for the past 4 years, and he always apologises for not inviting me to see it out of shame for the state he lives in, yet, during the day he matches his socks to his ties carefully, puts on his happy salesman mask and goes to work.

I am in no way making a judgement, it's a fact about how we live self deception as a way of life, I have had over 20 years of this life until I met Desteni, would pass out from being stoned on my couch, for 20 years I didn't fall asleep, my sleeping process was closer to passing out or fainting when my body could no longer cope with my abuses, and I have a body so forgiving it puts me  to shame just for existing in such a clear stance of what loving is for someone like me who has done no self loving and is just learning about it.
My mum said 'it's like you talked about me, minus the untidiness', yes because we are all sharing an extensive existential sadness, a life of self abuse behind closed doors in the secrecy of our minds, if we stopped pretending and became self honest we would be surprised to see that the world is a place where we all live more or less disturbed secret lives in fear of others' judgements not realizing we are the only judges and persecutors of our own thoughts, words and deeds in our own minds.
Some of the crying in my life was out of frustration when I was growing up due to my inability to manage my emotions, some was for manipulation as I worked out fast that other people do not like to feel responsible for the emotional experience of others but they could always made to believe they were, especially when they believed others were responsible for their own internal experiences within the blame game, I cried in self pity, out of desperation and then I cried for 'moving' stuff, from news to movies.

Of all of the above the most accepted and seen as endearing is the 'news and books ' point, yet we never question why we cry, what is it that moves tears inside of us, as us, why do we call it, being moved, in opposition to what ? To not being Moved ? Which would mean stability and a solid presence that doesn't seem to be recognized by ourselves or others as 'worthy' because we are 'expected' to be moved by certain triggers, least we are judged as cold heartless beings.

I recently listened to Sunette's interview 'Overwhelmed with Tears by Media' and I saw very clearly the points she explained for myself, yes, when we are overwhelmed with Tears by Media or Hollywood, we are either moved by the Fear that something as awful as what we just watched could happen to us or by longings and suppressed desires, as the ones stimulated by soppy Love movies, where our desires for  that perfect relationship or that something that is portrayed and we don't have makes us cry out the sadness of not having it and believing we will never in fact have access to such experience and therefore we re not worthy and will never be whole.

I had this experience with the movie The Last Station, the story of Tolstoy and his wife, in which we could see their love/ destruction relationship that he tried to leave behind while embracing his idea of walking what is best for all as renunciation and leaving the world behind, but on his death bed he looked for her, desperatly, and even though she knew he would be looking for her and had made the trip to join him at The Last station (a little train station in Russia where they set up his bedroom and later his funeral parlour) she was not allowed to get close to him until his final moments as everyone was 'protecting him' from her destructive presence regardless of his wish to have her next to him at death time.
It is interesting that something that 'moved' me so much I cannot recall in detail, meaning I can't remember if she did get to sit next to him before he exhaled or only immediately after, weird, since I sobbed for a good 10 minutes while I projected myself into the idea that I am done for this life and I will not ever have a chance to have a man that loves me so much to want me at his deathbed (:) and what a loving thought this is), this was the key point of my crying, as Sunette said, it was not about them, it never is, it was about me.

Since I met Desteni I cried a lot, sometimes while applying Self Forgiveness as my realization of my participation in and as this system of abuse became clearer to me and I have cried on some of Bernard's vlogs, some just hit me in the stomach and I felt so bad, so much shame that I could not choose if I should cry, I had to.

One of this vlogs that I can recall was titled 'God loves self Abuse' , I have just watched it again and it did not move me anymore which means I have moved closer in alignment with these words.

BUT, one sentence that Bernard wrote on two days ago Creation's Blog made me cry

I commit myself to unchain the systems I have become shackle by shackle within me and within all others like me till this is done. I commit myself to make sure all others will understand how to unshackle their own chains as I walk in support as this is necessary that all understand how we have become that which is not life so that we through understanding prevent this from ever happening again as we will all be able equally to recognize the signs of the chains that cause this shackling and abuse of life. I commit myself to stand with each that choose to stand till this is done and through such support it will be as if I have walked it myself, yet each part would have walked themselves to life, yet they were not alone as we walk as one yet as self responsible for self

Basically most of Creations Blogs still move stuff inside of me, I am sure they are written with this purpose, to shake us back to reality, so what moves me that runs  through most of them still is shame and guilt and Fear of taking responsibility for myself as One, quite disheartening in a way as today when I read one of the Equal Money writings on a drawing that said "we are the Destonians, we are here to bring about a world that is Best for All. Make contact' I teared up again, this time though the thread of the huge responsibility I perceive became evident, I fear having to stand as an example, I fear owning this sentence and what my Ego might do with it, I fear myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for crying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use crying as a way to manipulate myself into self pity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from me as the physical to the point of not realizing the build up of my suppressions of thoughts feelings and emotions, memories and beliefs that  I then release through crying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself so much that the only way I have automated as myself to rebalance and rid myself of the layers of accumulated energy is to cry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress desires and beliefs about right and wrong inside my physical body that can be triggered by news and movies and prompt my crying  that prove that I am not free but a mind controlled slave

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a mind controlled slave due to my desire to not stand up and take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long for a partner to give myself worth and for denying the fact that I long for the perfect love story that could give me the worth I have abdicated in separation from myself as Self Worth, because I rather pretend that I don't care about having to live and die alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living and dying alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire relationships outside of me to validate myself and my existence and to prove that I am good because those that do not have relationships are bad, giving that 'nobody wants them'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as bad because i or others are 'not wanted'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a relationship comes about only when "I am wanted" as if I were goods for sale on the marketplace

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that nobody wants me because I believed that my mum did not want me and so I kept replaying this pattern ad nausea until I could prove myself right by behaving and saying things that led to the "nobody wants me prophecy to be full filled

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad about my belief that nobody wants me because when I think that nobody wants me I perceive a loss of my value and a diminishment of my Ego as a woman that can attract men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace sorrow as 'normal' condemning myself and the world one and equal to me to a life of 'normal' sorrow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that having a secret life and a place when one retires and cries is normal, because in my investigations I found out that most everyone does just that, instead of realizing that there is something not right in this world if we spend half of our times pretending to be someone that we are not and the other half in grief and sorrow and for desiring to believe in love and light as a possible solution for the world because I could not accept that this world is basically flawed having started from a point of fear and separation into individuals and self interest, because I would then have to admit I am flawed and that I need self correction

I forgive myself for accepting and desiring myself to forget about the sorrows of the world and for having spoken the words ;"everyone has their kinks" "define normality" "life is hard"  " we were born to suffer" "we all have a right to have fun" 'work hard party hard" to justify why and how the world is as it is and accepting that since I could do nothing to change it I would better find ways to make it work for me and to justify my lousy participation in the world as a system of interest, so I wouldn't have to change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am too small to change the world separating myself in delusions of the mind so I would not been able to see that this world and me are One and that to change this world I have to address everything I have accepted and allowed myself to live One and Equal to given that my life as in "live" was designed on an upside down starting point of fear and separation that manifested existence not as 'we live ' but as 'we evil' and I need to turn this around as myself  to allow a world that is best for all to manifest One and Equal to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself and standing up consistently to the point that I suppress this fear until B, sounds the trumpet and I am forced to face it through the tears that release the suppression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to not be responsible for myself but to be taken care of by someone bigger, like the government or the Universe, when I can see now that this is impossible because in my separation and lack of self responsibility I participated in the manifestation of a world of separation and lack of responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have done my part to change this world by not accepting the systems, meaning living as a rebel not giving a shit about rules and regulations, without seeing that I have just moved into the opposite polarity of the Law abiding citizens but I have not been less of a slave, because slavery can only end when I stand up as the Master of my Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the world because I feared I would be heartbroken to see what I have allowed and accepted myself to become and the world as my reflection One and Equal to me, and I wouldn't have enough tears to cry myself out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in self judgement of myself as the Ego trip of the righteous one that at least 'hates herself', without realizing that any emotions and feelings and thoughts of self abuse that I accept One and Equal to myself, I manifest outside as this world is my mirror and it will never change, it cannot change until I change and stop all abuses within and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I hated myself as I see that emotions and feelings are not real, hate is not real either unless I accept and allow myself to participate in and within it One and Equal

When and as I see myself move or about to move into suppression, I stop, breathe, remind myself that suppressed stuff never goes away but it accumulates into me having to cry to release the build up, so I keep stopping myself from suppressing and face new ways to communicate with others in equal consideration of myself and what is best for all

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into judgement because I cry, I stop, accept that crying is my body releasing in support of me and stop making a big deal out of it until I ca consistently correct to release the pattern of suppression that leads to crying

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear of existence, which is fear of myself, I stop, breathe, remind myself that fears are of the mind and an indicator that I am not here in Breathe where I am building self trust through self honesty and corrective application, and bring myself back here in and as Breath reminding myself that there is nothing to fear in this existence as I am the creator of it all, through my direct participation or through my acceptances and allowances, and as I have miscreated it, I can stop and correct myself to manifest a world that is Best for all

I commit myself to stop fearing myself as a way of not standing up and taking responsibility for myself and existence, Equal and One, and to stop myself from not seeing that everything that exists in this world is Self and there is nothing to fear but just corrections to be made Breath by Breath

I commit Myself to look for ways to educate myself regarding the current external systems and their relationship to my internal systems so I can correct what is out of alignment and realign to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to educate myself to understand how this reality and I work within relationships and how I have manifested everything that exists, until I find all points to correct and realign as me to Oneness and Equality to  allow the manifestation of a world that is best for All and where Life can finally be be born into and as the physical.

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