Day 5: Fear of Learning New Things

This week I had to learn 4 new things, for someone who doesn't like to learn new things that are computer related I have stretched myself to my limit and discovered that the limits are only in my mind.

I have taken apart the point of disliking learning new things into all its components to see what it is that I allow myself to be annoyed about. It's not the new thing per se, because every time I actually master something new I feel self satisfaction about the fact that I could do it and that it was never as complicated or obnoxious as I thought it would be.

So most of my resistance is based on an idea of possibly NOT being able to master something new, which is interesting having proven to myself again and again that in fact I can, I still hold on to this belief that causes friction inside of me between what I need to do and what I believe I might have problems doing.

Plus, with all these social networks, another one of my fears is that I am spreading myself out too thin, like the American Indians believes, that my picture and data about me over all these networks in the ether is 'stealing something' from me, a piece of my soul that I will never get back, plus the fear of losing control as I have designed myself to micromanage everything never trusting that someone else will apply my same accuracy on a task as myself.

This micromanagement skill was born out of the fear of making a mistake and having to endure the humiliation of being caught mistaken, of losing people's trust, their faith in me as someone who is in fact able to do everything to the minutest detail, and so every task for me turns into a burden of unfathomable proportions while my mind plays out all the links to everything and everyone and every possible scenario until I feel, I have covered all my bases.

Basically I  have never trusted myself to be able to recover from a mistake, from a loss of value that every mistakes carries, like losing  points in a virtual game I am playing with myself inside my mind, where half of me does and the other half judges, criticises, always has a better way, another perspective, another road to offer once I have in fact already proven to myself that I made a mistake and therefore I was wrong.

One wonders, if half of me has so many good solutions, why doesn't it ever step forward to suggest it while I am doing something and instead waits for me to do it wrong and then starts the commentary about it ?

Maybe is because I  live in and as separation, one half of me lives behind the fortress I have built for myself to protect myself from my other half, and the other half lives in spitefulness and in this movement we never got to know each other, and I was never able to see correctly who was the saboteur and who was being taken for a ride, very possibly both sides of me lived impaired, unable to communicate as my fear of my own self judgement prevented me from staying in touch with all of me and making the necessary corrections that I could not consider because I built a wall so thick I could no longer see that there was always only me on the other side, fighting myself

So I am taking steps to make peace with me, to stop my internal wars as I correct myself to no longer participate as a warmonger inside, as my own tormentor, as the very spitefulness of this existence, as everything that shows that what happens inside of me is happening outside, wars, violence, hatred, judgements, I say ENOUGH, 'til Here no further.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaning new things

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I fear learning new things

I  forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to ideas and opinions about myself as someone who cannot learn new things because as a kid I went through some learning difficulties due to my sugar consumption that lessened my ability to focus

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry in and as me memories of my mistakes as something humiliating due to the emotions and feelings I have fueled them with, instead of realizing that mistakes are just miss-takes  and I can aim better when I retry to make sure I get it right next time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to never make mistakes so I will be an asset at work, secure my survival and be acceptable to others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to link making mistakes to fear of survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted due to making mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be mistake-less to have more value than the mistake-full

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others who I judge as sloppier in their endeavours than myself and make more mistakes to feel better about myself because I very very rarely make mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire be mistake free looking for ways to make myself acceptable as I have not yet accepted myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself about this point of mistakes because this pressure prevents me  to go smoothly through the task of learning new things that should be as effortless as when I do them instead of being effort=ful when I think about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about what I have to do instead of just breathing and getting on with it trusting that if I should find any difficulties I will be able to address it on the spot

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge making a mistake as wrong and hating making a mistake because I want to be right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself as the self directive principle that can address anything Here without need for future projections and self manipulations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear as a way to stop myself from what needs to be done , instead of breathing, realizing my fear is NOT real and a tool for self manipulation to prevent myself from doing what needs to be done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I make a mistake I have lessened myself, I have lost points in my imaginary virtual game against myself, instead I stop, remind myself that the only place where this game is going on is in my mind and that I don't need to participate in and as the mind when I do something but just move as self directive principle in every moment of breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in and as separation from myself, in fear and utter terror of having to face myself and in so doing having built a wall inside myself where I can no longer see that it was always me fighting me and no one else and that I could stop and bring all my pieces back together and address the parts of me that need self correction as One and not as a monster that was created by events and circumstances outside my control but as my monster, as my demons that I now embrace for self correction to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into irritation about learning something new, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I am in fact effective at learning new things and that these doubts are just the way I have programmed myself into beliefs and memories of my ineffectiveness and are not real, and I no longer believe them instead I breathe and get on what needs to be done

When and a I see myself moving or about to move into fear of making mistakes, I stop, breathe, remind myself what miss-takes are and that if I should make a miss-take I can aways make the right-stake next time

When and as I see myself doubting myself, I stop, breathe, remind myself that self doubt means I am not Here in breath, so I bring myself back Here and trust that whatever I need to do I am able and effective and when not I will simply correct myself

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into judgements of myself or others regarding making mistakes I remind myself that what I correct for myself applies to others One and Equal, and if mine are miss-takes so are others and they can always self correct and get the right-stake next time

When and as I see myself going to war or about to go to war, start an internal conflict with myself regarding learning new things and making mistakes, I stop breathe, remind myself that I have self forgiven this point and I will not invalidate my self forgiveness by repeating the same patterns of behaviour I have set out to self correct, and breathe myself back Here

I commit myself to stop my internal wars and conflict that reflect in the outer as war and conflicts and to address this point until Self and existence as One are conflict free

I commit myself to stop my fears of making mistakes that turn into judgements of myself and others making mistakes that turn into disagreements and conflicts as I set out to no longer participate in and as conflict that manifests outside of me just because I am not willing to consistently address my own internal movements and back chats that lead to conflict, I commit to correct myself until I no longer participate in fears of making mistakes and all judgements about making mistakes of myself and others, that creates the ledgers of credits and debts that makes us all live like creditors or debtors, playing out in the bigger picture the very system of debts we have all enslaved each other to.

I commit myself to walk consistently this process of self correction  until all is free and value and worth is restored to Life One and Equal for everybody in existence.