Day 10: Dreams as Clues

I have not had a 'feel good' dream for a long time, many years ago when I went to a strange doctress who was a surgeon and an astrologer she wrote a diet for me based on my birthday and place of birth, basically she aligned my nutrition to my preprogramming or DNA, it worked and even my dreams changed, so nutrition has an effect on our mental state, which reminds me I have to become more effective in addressing my diet point to support my body.

The dream I had last night was very vivid, yet as I came out of it because the phone rang, it slipped away a little, here is what I remember, I was on a cruise ship, sort of, going to Naples, I knew when we boarded that the ship could not go where we were supposed to go, which was underground, as it was too big and I knew something was wrong with the ship, it was an illegal ship, some of my friends were on board, at one point the ship stopped and we were asked to go inside a hole underground into a shitty boat into a shitty sea, it was dark and muddy underground, i remember I fell into the water, but not HOW, there was fear but not terror, one of my friend was calling me back to the ship, my ex best friend was in the back, my other friends showing that she was NOT a good friend after all, as they were the one concerned to get me back, while she was concerned but more about herself (this reflects my judgement of her after what happened between us).

I remember puling myself up from this water and sitting on a staircase that was coming out of it, the ship was too far away for me to reach and I did not want to get back into this dirty water, while I was sitting on the steps in the dim light I saw rats everywhere, some floating on the surface dead, and then there was one huge rat just behind my back, we were against each other, touching each other, I felt a movement and turned, a weird thing happened as I knew I was supposed to be afraid and disgusted but I was not, I had touched the big rat and felt the shiny slimy fur like surface of his wet skin, that motivated me to get back into the water and return on board of the ship.

Overall my impression was that I knew I was dreaming, that I knew there were clues to everything I am dismantling of myself, it had to do with fear and the realization of fear being a make belief and probably my desire like Maite wrote, to revert back to a Life of not knowing, the realization that after taking the blue pill everything has changed for good and there is no going back, and for now my Life is not yet working in the present, yet I have nowhere to go back to, the Darkness was everywhere, off the boat, in the water and back on the boat, it was like there was no real choice, to the point that when I went back on instead of feeling safe, I felt defeated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fear is Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dwell into resistance instead of keep moving and getting on with what needs to be done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I regret having taken the Blue Pill when I know regret has always been Here for what I have accepted ad allowed myself to become and taking the Blue Pill just made me aware of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Regret is what I fear when in fact I fear myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Darkness with bad/evil because in this association when I approach the darkness of Me I want to jump off the boat, only to discover that Darkness as Me as who I am is everywhere

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Darkness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that looking inside of me is like looking inside muddy waters when in reality looking inside of me is easy because everything of me is filed and categorized for easy sorting if I just dare to look at it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not know what I have learned because I feel my responsibility now is greater than the one of the ones that do not know and I feel it's unfair because some still get to enjoy their lives and I can't any longer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I desire the 'enjoyable life' that those that have no clue are living when I know for a fact that no one is having a good time since we share the same operating system of Fear and memories that needs clearing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more than the ones that don't know just because I am jealous of them for not knowing and having 'less' responsibility and so I try to bring them down to diminish them thinking 'they know fuck all'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire an ordinary Life without realizing there are no Ordinary lives but in the Movies and even there lately the shocking state of Humanity is creeping through like in 'Requiem for a dream', and what an appropriate title this is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling asleep because it seems I never catch a break, awake or asleep I just have to face myself and my fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push vivid dreams onto myself as a wake up call when I could be just a tiny little more patient and give myself clues during the day making the night a fear free zone to rest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as my friend One and equal as One that doesn't care after All because of the Life I have accepted and lived including spreading the bullshit of Law of Attraction, that said, I only had to worry about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of suppressed Fears, abusing myself as my physical body, never giving myself a chance to breathe and be Here in the simplicity of me as Breath in Self Expression, One and Equal with everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Mind is too vast and the waters are too murky for me to be able to see through the maze, while I am seeing every day more that the Maze is just another idea of myself yet it's the wrong definition within a perfectly organized filing system that offers clues and mirror reflections at every step I take

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this existence so much that I don't even want to look at it, to see myself reflected in and as it and where and how I need to stand in and as Self Correction

When and as I see myself going or about to move into a mental frenzy in which I tell myself 'it's too hard, it's too difficult, there is too much stuff to sort out', I stop, breathe, remind myself I am the one that has put away everything within me as the Mind Consciousness System and I have the tools to undo it and undo myself until I can stand clear and stable and rewrite me as what is Best for All

When and as I see myself trying to not go to sleep because I fear dreaming, I remind myself it's just me giving myself clues about points I need to unravel and one point at the time I can do it and walk equally with all the other that are in process like me

When and as I see myself fearing myself I remind myself Fear is not real, and I'm using Fear as a tool to not face myself when I have already discovered that nothing I feared was as big as I feared it would be, so better get on with the facing myself in self honesty, stand up and correct myself and keep walking

I commit myself to stop myself from existing as Fear and to investigate all my fears so I will be able to let them go and start living Here in Breath where Oneness and Equality is waiting to be realized by All, One and Equal.

Day 9: Death of a friend

I had 2 experiences in my Life with the Death of a friend, 3 in fact, two were real, and one was not, for the non real one, she did die too, but just in my mind.

I had a dream about her, twice in two days, I had read the Blog on Regret , and how to let it go, or better, how to not let it go until we make sure we clear that point that prompted the regret who is actually always with us reminding us how we live, what goes on in our secret mind, prompting us to stop, while we keep going, muffling it up, putting a cushion on its head to not hear the regretful screams, I did not get it two days ago, I'm on a delayed train, I do get things, just a little slower, they have to sink in when I am not watching to understand the point with my mind, to force it down my throat in the usual act of  forcing what could be seen clearly in awareness effortlessly, I'm still a living fight with myself on my way to correction, so something must have compounded and I dreamed about the non-dead-but-Dead-to-me-One, as a clear point of suppression.

In my dreams, we were still friends, I noticed how I cherished that feeling of 'safety' of a space where I was really wanted around, appreciated, special.

I cannot recall the details but I know it has to do with regret, funny because when I read the regret script and it talked about relationships, it went over my head, my mind said, 'you don't have relationships' which is true as in 'sentimental/ romantic relationships', I don't really consider Friendships as relationships as in the context I have read, due to the way my mind translates the word in Italian, which is related more to sex, more intimate, more exclusive, instead friendships are relationships, and both are just ships one boards to deny the truth that we are alone in this journey, that we have to face the fact that until I can trust me, I will never ever be able to trust anyone, and until I stop to fear me I cant' stop fearing You.

To add some benevolence here I can say I felt less for my friends that died, they died, our friendship never imploded, it did not have time, it was not the same, they did not leave behind a gap of guilt and shame and a sense of loss, they simply died, there is no refusal in death as in life, they did not die to spite me, we spite in life as we move along our ideas of ourselves and do whatever it takes to keep them alive, to keep our sense of worth alive in separation from who we are as Life.

When the friendship with my girlfriend ended, I had a difficult time with myself, one of my primary mind relationships no longer existed and I found it hard to find a balance of me without THIS specific mind relationship that had defined ME for over 10 years, our friendship defined who I was, in her friendship I could reflect my imaginary worth as an Ego, my imaginary goodness and benevolence and she could do the same, then one day the castle of cards imploded and I was alone again, the truth is it ended when she became close to my ex husband, and I moved into jealousy as I feared he would become friend with her as he had not been with me, honest, while our marriage was based on huge dishonesty from both sides, that I shared with my friend, so the fear came as well, that my secrets would be exposed, that what I shared with her in more honesty than I reserved for anyone else, would now be an open book to my ex husband and that he would be able to flip the pages of me, and read what he had never understood and that I failed to express and explain, and this was not OK.

My friendship was based on the containment of secrets, this is why as well when I wrote her a very hurtful letter that I closed with a spiteful line to say 'you see, now I want to harm you as much as you harmed me', which is the epitome of my delusion, in fact she was the cracking point of my delusion, very specific, Because I could not believe anything I wrote to her as I saw all the underline movements of backchat that led me to that point, yet her reply was even more stunning, as I meant I had already done plenty harm with my letter, while she read it as a threat that I would expose HER to her husband. Is this because she did in fact expose me and in our spitefulness and retaliation we believe getting even is an eye for an eye ? an I for an I ? Did she think I would do that because of who I was, or because of who she was ? Or because of who we were ?

In that I saw the point that we are never friends with anyone, we are just the great pretenders and we would do anything we need to do to survive as personalities, an I for an I, there was a purpose to her friendship with my ex husband that did not include me, that made me feel pushed aside because the feeling good of each one of us is what we are really after and not the fluffy goodness we talk about, that one is fake, it's a cut throat world, and it's always been, better you down than me, she did to me what I did to others, including her husband even though i told myself I was more decent, reality is there is no decency in what we do to win a position on the planet as Egos, where if I lose I don't exist and so I win, regardless of how many deaths I live in my wake, so why do we condemn capitalism when capitalism is the Capital I through which we move and face every single thing in our world ?

I stop the Capital I to walk a process that is Best for All, the Capital I will be corrected as Me and as Me the correction will reflect back as the World, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself in and as relationships in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to the relationship of and as my mind than to myself and for looking for worth outside of myself as I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless when my friendship with C. ended

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for my behaviour due to having allowed a backchat to take the driving seat of my life as me and hurting someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can hurt someone else when I see I can only hurt myself and others can only hurt themselves within the bubble mind reality in which we have separated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what I did when I was fueled and motivated by anger that I justified because of something someone did to me instead of taking responsibility for my anger, stop it and stand up to correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire we were still friends with C. because her friendship was a good mirror in my life although a delusional one, but we had managed to walk the tightrope of con-vincing each other we were good people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be good'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I felt after our friendship broke up because I would have to face my own judgement of myself to self forgive it and let it go but I rathered suppress it so I would not have to face myself and stand as the correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use drugs, alchol and food to suppress when the back chat and the consequent emotional typhoon became too much to handle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my friend raised a spoiled brat just because I imagined I would have done a better job as a mother, even though I knew I would have fucked up royally as a mother which is the reason why I did not have children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friend and what I beLIEved we had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make her suffer in spitefulness because I believed she made me suffer and she had to pay for it, even though I never admitted this was the reason why I wrote such a nasty letter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that spitefulness is normal when we are faced with let downs because I embraced my culture teachings of passion and revenge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Scorpio are revengeful and since I am a Scorpio I must be revengeful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to spitefulness, manifesting spitefulness in and as the world I have created through my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself on this point about my friend, to spite and punish myself for what I have done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful for talking about my best friend with other friends after our fight so I could make it clear She drove me to this point and it was her fault and she was the one to blame, while I could see I did not want to take responsibility for what went on between us to stand up and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my friends in HK told me that it was clearly C.'s fault and they always wondered why and how I could stand that she had become close friend with my ex, because I did not stood up for her to say I was the one who encouraged it because I wanted to show that I was worldly and not petty as I really was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as spiteful and petty as bad, instead of seeing that everyone that participates in and as the mind is petty and spiteful and I'm Equal in the fuck up and I'm now equalizing myself to live in and as the correction to walk out of the Mind and birth myself in and as the physical One and Equal as Life

When and as I see myself entertaining my back chat about someone I know, I remind myself that  I no longer participate in gossip, outside with people or inside my mind, as I do what I like to receive and gossiping is not the reflection of the world of support I want to correct myself into and correct the world into One and Equal as me

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spitefulness, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer want to participate in spitefulness of the small or the big kind and breath myself back Here until I no longer think or feel spitefulness for anything or anyone

I commit to eradicate spitefulness from my Life through writing, self forgiveness and corrective application as spitefulness drove this world to this point and spitefulness must end in all its forms to allow a world that is best for all.

I commit to stop my back chat about people in my life through writing and corrective application, until I can stand clear of any spitefulness and manifest this correction in and as the world One and Equal to me.

 

Day 7: Lies as a way of Life

I finally got the H202 by mail from Holland from a site Larry suggested.

I read the instructions and found out you can have an Oxygen bath, it took me almost 1 of the 2 bottle I bought to try that out, so I went into fear that soon I would 'not have enough' to try out the Hydrogen Peroxide program.

Two weeks ago I went to our oldest Chemist shop in Milan and asked them to make it for me, when the doctor asked me what would I use it for and why didn't I buy the ready made one in 36% (which is the one to die your hair blond) I went into a lenghty explanation and I had to force myself to tell her the truth, which was 'I want to start a health program and I have to take daily drops'. Since my starting point was the belief and fear that they might not give it to me, due to my extensive judgement of how the system works against ME/US and the fact that they want to keep ME/US dumb and dependent, I stumbled upon myself a few times, looked like a dumb ignorant woman with airy fairy stories and this led to them writing on the papers I brought a huge "NO" with a red pen.

I left the chemist in anger and frustration, the writing in red letters brought me back to school time and the marks on my assignments, the red ones were always 'BAD', meaning I was 'BAD', I looked at the point, saw that it had nothing to do with them, applied Sf for my reactions and not seeing that it was a starting point of safety the one they came from and that they were just reflecting back to me my existence as a non responsible human being for which, they took responsibility.

I did not let it go, it was just a surface letting go, so when I got the products through the Internet my backchat laid out 10 possible stories I could now relate when going back there to ask them again to make it for me, mostly because I found absurd to have to pay that kind of money plus shipping when behind my home there is a chemist that can make it for me.

It took me a while to work out my back chat in detail, first the few possible stories, built and worded in different ways to make My point, second the point of no longer telling them I wanted to drink it because this was a key point in their refusal to give it to me, third the possible offer of giving them a self written disclaimer to uplift them from responsibility and last, the cherry on the cake, the threat, I could ask them to write down the reasons for their refusal and take them to the Consumer Court, not that I intended to do it, but it was my putting my foot down, to show them that they can't fuck with me, I'm knowledgeable about my rights and an European citizen, I have a right to have access to anything that is available in Europe and that I can buy through Internet. All this happened when I had not yet gone out of the door, when I became aware, I stopped and breathed, put on my MP3 to listen to Anu's interviews and walked to the Chemist telling myself that I did not need to THINK about it if I told them the truth and that I would not threaten them of anything, in fact this idea of threatening them left me quite disgusted with myself, than one wonders how BIG threats are going on in the world every day, am I not part of the threatening system this world has become ?

So, I reached the chemist, and approached the same doctress that last time told me yes first but then the chemist forbid the making of it and she told me to go and talk to the chemist directly this time.

I felt agitated, I took out my H202 bottle received by mail and told them maybe I had made a mistake between volume and percentage (this was one of my prepared stories) start by taking the 'blame' and could she check again as this bottle I got was not dangerous as I spilled some on my hand and nothing happened (which was true after I had poured it in a glass bottle, she told me later, probably diminishing it's burning effect), anyway, I brought with me one empty bottle, to show her I had already used it responsibly and I was alive, and one sealed bottle.

The sealed bottle leaked on both of our hands...and spotted them white, this was embarrassing because I felt she would think I lied the one time I did not,  stressed the fact that I needed 2 litres to take oxygen baths, I never talked again about drinking it and she did not ask, even though I brought with me the program paper again that did in fact talk about it.

Anyway, she accepted to make it for me.

While I walked out from the chemist I did not have my usual feeling of 'winning' an argument, in fact I felt rather humiliated to see that my real nature and the one that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in and as is to lie first, which is weird even to write out, because I never considered 'makig up stories' as lying since this is what everyone does, and I could not feel guilty for just doing it better, but the becoming aware of how I as the mind would just do anything, say anything, even in instances that are quite insignificant like this 'just to win' left me depressed.

Not only, I make my shopping online now to avoid supermarkets and the thousands of 'special offers' that I give in to because I buy into the bullshit that the 'more you buy he more you save' and I have been correcting myself a lot on this point but I have found out that when I buy online I spend much less, which proves I am a mind controlled slave, that responds to marketing tricks and designs to push me to buy, the way things are laid out, the huge 'special offers red signs' etc.

Anyway, for same odd reasons I am one day behind in my head, my mum says I lost it in February, I don't know how it's possible to 'lose a day' but I know that  had 4 incidents since February when I thought it was the day after, like I thought it was Friday on a Thursday.

Yesterday it happened again, so I was supposed to have my delivery on Friday, and thought yesterday was Friday, I had requested they delivered between 6pm and 8pm, but I was late coming back from the chemist, I arrived home at 6.25 pm, first I told myself they had not come yet, then I started to fear they did come but waited until 8 pm and then called, the offices were closed, I even rechecked the supermarket confirmation and DID NOT notice it was for Friday, which proves another point, that we do not see reality but what we believe and accept reality to be, so I spent last night making up stories to tell them about why THEY did not find me at home, I went into this backchat for abut 20 minutes, I had made up 3 good stories at least, all of them leading to make THEM responsible for missing me, and again, this is not lying, just a way of life, then I caught myself as this was kind of quietly happening in the background of me with my occasional approval and I stopped, breathed and told myself that I would just call them this morning, come clean and apologize that I had been late and what we could do to fix MY miss-take.

Immediately all back chat stopped.

Yesterday I had a flash of the Doctor House serial and his comment, that everyone lies, and why he would go and check their homes for clues to work out their mysterious diseases, it's true, everyone lies as a way of life, starting with ME.

This morning when I called the supermarket and told them the truth, we discovered together the delivery was for tonight, so in 2 days, I had to face my desire to lie, no more, my dishonest nature twice, and how I have excused it all my life as the 'way things are and I better get good at this blaming game'.

Interestingly, none of the lies I desired and concocted to tell were in fact necessary, why not face the truth of me as a responsible person, why did I feel odd telling the truth in both cases, if not because the truth is alien to me and I am just not used to ever telling it like it is ?

I felt ashamed, so if I am a chronic liar, why do I expect to live in an honest world ?

Why should the politicians and the governments and the church and the psychics and the Elite and everyone else stop lying before me ?

Arent' they my representatives, aren't they the mirror of myself in my own creation where the world as me has aligned to what I accept and allow in and as myself ?

So I stop the liar in me to bring back honesty to this world, One and Equal to me and to walk my path of correction to build Self Trust as me, because as Cathy said, only when I stop lying as a way of life can I believe YOU, only when I stop fearing me can I stop fearing YOU.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to backchat myself into lying as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for ways to blame others so I don't have to stand as a responsible human being in everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear telling the truth in fer of the con-sequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the con-sequences that I myself design for myself through my participation in this world as self-dishonesty, instead of standing in and as self honesty in everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self honest, for fear of facing all the times in which I have been self dishonest as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self dishonesty as the way things are in the blaming game of this world and for making myself just 'better at it' meaning better at not being found out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the important thing about 'telling stories' is to build them convoluted enough to never have to be found out and having to face my self dishonesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my backchat first to check what I could say and what stories would be most convenient for me to tell, instead of standing as a self responsible human being and speaking myself here in breath and self trust that I can always face the consequences of my actions and when needed correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to portray myself as different and more than I am so I can feel good about myself, no matter which lies I will have to tell along the way to get to the 'good feeling' place about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lessened by red marks on a piece of paper as a sign that I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when someone tells me NO I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for catching myself wanting to lie as a way of life instead of stopping the shame as a emotion resulting from thoughts and backchat I have allowed myself to participate in and as, stop, breath and walk my self correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that my lies as a way of life are reflected back to me in the dishonest world I live in and as, and that to change the world into Honesty and Trust, I have to change me as the world One and Equal into Self Honesty and Self Trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the dishonesty in the world and for hating to live in such dishonest world, while in fact I have always only been the dishonest one and always and only hated myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for my dishonesty and for not standing up as the change that I want to see in this world, One and Equal to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be-LIEve that hate is real

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into a mind personality to portray myself as different from who I am in fear of others judgement, which is my own judgement of Self, I stop, breathe, remind myself that fear is not real and that I can be self honest about myself when I no longer have anything to hide

When and as I see myself desiring to lie to win an argument or to blame someone else for my own miss-takes, I stop, breathe, remind  myself that I do not need to win an argument or to fear making a miss-take, only Egos want to win arguments and fear, because winning and fear are not real

When and as I see myself blaming anything outside of myself for their dis-honesty, I stop, breath, bring it back to Self and remind myself that I am correcting myself to no longer exist as a Liar, so I can develop Self Trust and trust in the world, One and Equal

When and as I see myself desiring to win an argument, I stop, breathe, remind myself only Egos need to win to prove they exist and are superior to others, I no longer want superiority for myself and inferiority for another but Equality for All as One as Me

I commit myself to stop lying as a way of Life and to dig into myself to see how I have designed myself to never be honest in fear of losing out and losing myself 

I commit myself to breathe before I speak, check that I have no reactions that can fuel my automated shift into a mind personality that lies as a way of life, and in breath speak me as me, no longer separated from my words, but One and Equal to them, so that my words may build substance as Life and become the Life givers they should have always been and not the Life takers I turned them to be in my life of self interest and separation