I have a poor history of relationships, I had poor examples as well while I was growing up, so I could never record and file an acceptable way to experience myself within relationships as fulfilling.
My grandmother had been married twice, the first time she divorced she said it was because 'they were so different' and they were, putting together the unbiased info of their relationships, my grandfather liked sex, but was probably not skilled at it nor he was into self expression as NO Catholics could do sexual Self Expression being sexuality something to suppress, and my grandmother loved Money and a Status, nothing my grandfather could offer.
The urban legend around them has two sides, one side, my grandmother's side tells the story that she was abandoned during the war with a small daughter and that my grandfather would send his military wage while abroad, to his mother, so when he returned from the front, she told him to fuck off back to his mother, then, she said, years later she met my step grandfather.
My grandfather spoke little about her, but even after 30 years, he still hated her quietly, as the offence she cast on him by leaving him, HE, a good looking man with a sure job within the system, even though not a glamorous one, was impossible to overcome. One funny anecdote is that many 30 years after she left him, he met her by chance at my mum's office but did not recognize her and believed her to be my mum's friend and he was absolutely nice to her, leaving the 3 of us, grandma, mother and myself, totally blown away, until we realized he had not seen who she was, it was a politeness addressed to a mistaken identity.
My grandmother was very beautiful, movie star like beautiful, which was one reason why she thought she could do better than my grandfather, meaning, her beauty on the Money Market or on the Potential Money market was worth more than her first marriage out of need, to which she agreed only to find a place to live for herself and her mother, my great grandmother, just before the II World War.
She passed on to me this belief, that I could have any man I wanted, a belief I actually went and tested out and found to be quite true, which just meant, any men would respond to my making a move or opening the door to make a move, but later I discovered that this would have been the same for every woman in Italy as the men are raised to never 'reject' a woman in fear of not 'being man enough' so I just played a part and they responded with their own preprogramming, this was no point of value for any of us even though we both mistook it for one, the men feeling valued by the openings, the women feeling valued by the acceptance and the men's desire.
Recently I have seen a very sad Italian comical movie titled, "You cannot judge me' in which a woman whose husband dies is forced to become an Escort, this is the new politically correct name for prostitutes, as they Escort a man, to his bed, but sounds better, the whole movie is all about the point of us accepting that hard times require hard measures, and selling out to prostitution cannot be judged as bad (which we all agree about, how can we judge what we have to do to survive, who knows what each one of us would do with a small child and the fear to go to prison ?), but this movie is tragic because what they meant is we have to support this idiotic economic system that makes us sell out into prostitution to pay our debts, that is in fact honourable, paying your debts at all COSTS, questioning the system is DIS-honourable and NOT allowed, so just go out and find 'creative' ways to make money as the system is fixed and unchangeable, you instead have still room for self diminishment and creative sell outs.
What are we accepting and allowing ourselves to become to NOT question this system and ourselves as the bricks that keep this system together ?
In the movie a photographer tells her 'you have a cunt, but don't deserve it', meaning you have no clue on how to capitalize on it, this was a clue point for laughter, it saddened me greatly, that this is what we have become, cunts for sale, as in the Italian language we built up to that, calling women 'beautiful cunt' or any other name that suggests 'cunt' in a more politically correct way, has become acceptable and desirable as the truth of what we are, walking cunts waiting to be picked up and prized at the Sex market that existence has become, having accepted and agreed on a world that runs on sex and Money.
In the same movie there is another tragic joke, when she is told to advertise having a cup D of breast, and she objected having just a cup 'A' and the photographer told her 'Dear, it's just to lure them into your home, then once they are there and aroused they would fuck even a sink' to which she replied 'this is really flattering', yet this is a point we all know, we all abuse, we move and breathe sex and we hold on to not give it too soon, as that would bring on inflation as for everything that is pushed on the market not having waited for the height of the hype, so we hype ourselves up, through make up and clothes and high heels and sexy stockings, our lives are built and geared up to advertise what we will later deliver, once we get the man to jump into enough fire loops to show his devotion because as my grandmother used to say 'If he loves you, he will wait', as a sign of respect, to show that he is not just a dog, beating his hard on down with a newspaper when no one is watching due to the arousal we are raised to stimulate.
A life of simulation and stimulation.
So sex was something that was distorted in my mind as a power tool, it seems that what we had between our legs was the focal point of our existence, when all else would fail we were taught there is an intrinsic value to us, our sexuality, we can always sell out, without seeing we sell out by moving, speaking, building up the electrical charge that we will shape into a wooden club we'll use to beat the men on the head, just until the roles are reversed, immediately after sex, then they become the powerful ones, they got the prize and now we have nothing left to give away, we are left with the memory of the power we held until we gave in and now they hold the power of deciding when and if they will fuck us again, this is how we build up the numbers with men, we end up to have xx men, yeah, a double digit number, because something weird happens after sex takes place and many potential relationships turn out to be just what they were, a ride, to which we both wanted to give a glamour cover as Love or Potential Relationships, while aware that very possibly, once consumed, the programs that make men disgusted with women would kick in, and the shame the women feel for having given in too soon or having 'given in' at all just to face now the men's refusal and disgust would make any attempt to a relationship impossible and we just have to resort to moving on until we find the next pray to repeat the sex dance again until one day we just STOP and look at what is really going on to stop repeating the patterns of Sex as Self Abuse instead of Sex as Self Expression within Agreements of Self Support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my worth lies in my sexuality and how well I play the sexual card
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired as a way to measure my value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate men into desire as a way to find value for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear intimacy and to offer sex instead of intimacy because I was not even intimate with myself and had no clue about how to correct that point
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire intimacy as something that my partner would and should give me instead of realizing I cannot have what I don't give so I have to start with self intimacy to buil relationships of intimacy with another One and Equal as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman's purpose and reason to exist is to be desired by a man and then have a relationship and ultimately to be married
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold sex as self expression as a way to manipulate emotions and feelings of the men who desired to experience it with me until the moment was 'right', meaning hyped enough for maximum energy build up and release
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by the men's disgust after sex because I could see it was a recurrent pattern but not to what it was linked or how I caused it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the cause of the men's disgust instead of realizing that it was not their preprogrammed disgust that bothered me but that I took it on and lived it one and equal to me as self disgust for my own participation in and as the sex system of manipulation and abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself to not show I enjoyed sex in fear of activating the 'disgust' programming in men
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe we held the power between our legs and that through that we could always get our way instead of learning to build an honest communication based on self honesty and self responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being called 'a beautiful cunt' was something to aspire to as a way of gaining value for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to expose this sex point because it's private and shameful to share all the stuff that went on in my secret mind about sex because I fear the judgement of others and my own self judgement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame and guilt for the sexual experiences I had because I felt I was never real but a carbon copy image of the porn images I saw and I believed I had to play out to gain value as a sexual object
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed to just walk by men in the streets because I assumed they were always thinking about sex and fucking and I did not want them to think those thoughts about me when I did not agree to it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sex as the only power we have as women because by accepting and allowing this belief I agreed to a world where women are selling themselves as their only and last resort for survival
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self expression as sexuality because I did not have a map of how that should happen and I did not understand self expression having always and only lived in and as the Mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad to see how far we have gone in our gap between men and women and for being aware that I have fully participated by holding on to secret thoughts and beliefs such as this that I am now willing to expose so we may all see we share the same sick mind and we need correction to be able to build agreements instead of the sick model of relationships in which we praise secrets and manipulation as a way of life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was sick in my head regarding sex and sexuality instead of seeing, something wrong is going on in this reality and we need to question because I'm sick and not raping people and some that are further down the line from me are doing just that, so , really, what is going on in and as our minds that needs to be addressed and self corrected for and as What is best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that a sick sexuality inside within a closed system that showed a sick sexuality outside that has been getting worse since I can remember with more abuses and violence and the demeaning of women having reached unprecedented levels, there may be a connection between our minds and our world inside and the world outside Equal and One and we may have to stop and address what goes on inside of us to purify what goes on outside of us and to create a world that is best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the arousal of men as a point of self empowerment in the game of winners and losers as I get to be the winner when a man gets a hard on and he gets to be the loser for having been unable to control himself and his own mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see men as weak because with a hard on you could lead them anywhere
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sex as Self Abuse in and as the Mind instead of expressing Self as Self Expression One and Equal to my physical body
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into one of my sexual personalities for the purpose of manipulation, I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to call flirty what is abuse and manipulation and breathe myself out of the temptation to engage automatically one of my personalities just to go on a ride into Self Abuse taking others with me along the way
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire for self judgement about my sexual life, or the desire to judge others about their sexual life, I stop, breathe, remind myself we are all preprogrammed sex slaves and stop my participation in any form of judgements in separation of me from Self as Oneness and Equality
When and as I see myself desiring or about to engage the desire to move into sexual behaviour, covert or not, I stop, breathe, bring myself back into the physical, remind myself that sexuality that happens in my head is NOT real and that I want to learn to express my sexuality in and as the physical as Self Expression and that every time I engage in Sex in and as the Mind I move myself away from self expression Here in every moment of Breath and I no longer want to do this
I commit myself to disengage myself from sexuality as a way of communicating with males and as a way to gain value for myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as Self Value and Self Worth and that when I see an emotion or a feeling arise due to sexual remarks or sexual innuendos I stop, breathe and disengage as accepting value through energetic movements is a moment of separation and self deception in which I move away from Self Value in favor of the Mind Illusory value and from Life in favour of the Energy show that I have decided to give up as and for Life and What is Best for All.
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