Day 12: The Con of Compliments

Today I saw myself react to a 'compliment' about my character, it was subtle yet I could remember having had the same movements in the past as well and dismissing them as 'pleasant anticipation'.

The reason is that while I look for compliments, I fear them as well, because I see that compliments became brick of beliefs that contributed to consolidate my personalities in and as myself as my beLIEfs about 'who I am' specifically because compliments are meant to make us feel good, and since we designed ourselves always looking for that 'high' they are hard to dismiss.

So while I was listening today to my friend talk and I saw the language build up leading to a compliment, I tensed, yet I waited for the treat, to see what was there of good that my friend wanted to say and share about me and who he thinks I am.

I found that I have never really enjoyed compliments, as in every compliment in my life I saw how I had designed that moment and led the person up to it to confirm me as a personality.

While I was choosing the topic to write about in this mainly uneventful day, I saw an invitation in my mail that said "Join us, many Personalities will be there !", I had never before noticed the word 'personalities' in the context I saw it today, which was pretty awful, meaning, we gather together and build relationships for the sole psycothic purpose of building and maintaining personalities we believe in and we may convince others about, the rules of engagement are clear yet unspoken, I will believe in your personality, and support it, and you will believe in mine, and support it.

Just before my breakdown shortly before Desteni I had become aware we were in a personality play, this is a bit complicated to relate in one go and I will expand about it, but one thing made it very clear, the fact that people with multiple personality disorders, had personalities with different allergies, sharing the SAME ONE BODY.

That proves that our diseases are NOT physical, but personality related, mind related as personalities are our mind's creations, and when we switch from one personality to another, we affect our physical at many levels, we basically abuse ourselves as the physical, while we superimpose on it our personalities, and then we move in the world as if this was a stage, missing out the Physical reality we all share, One and Equal.

My personality play had become extensive, we know that we shift continuously between our imaginary accepted and allowed 'roles', we behave differently as a friend, daughter, student, sister, mother, granddaughter, and every shift we make, is a moment we miss Here, where the wholeness of ourselves exists One and Equal with the Physical, but we gave it up, believing we were never good enough to just exist as Self Expression and we made up a whole imaginary world in which we role play ourselves to Death, Literally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a Personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build acceptable personalities through which I role play myself to Death, because I feared existing Here as Self Expression in simplicity in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's handy to have different personalities to interact with others, instead of realizing that each personality I design is a step further into separation from me Here as Self Expression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have multiple personalities so everyone will find something to like about me, because I feared not being liked and not being good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is important that others 'like me' because I have not yet accepted myself unconditionally so I designed personalities that others may like making myself believe I am accepted by others instead of facing the point that I have not yet accepted myself unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT accept myself unconditionally and for not accepting others unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'conditions' must be met to be accepted and for designing personalities that fit such 'conditions' instead of looking at my creation point and Self Correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow conditions that I must fit into to be acceptable, instead of accepting myself unconditionally Here as Self Expression in every moment of Breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support others' personalities so they would support mine and we could keep going into and as the self delusion of the mind, pretending to support each other while we are just all supporting each others' 'ideas' and personalities of ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a compliment to confirm my personality and to fear a compliment because I can now see it's another brick in support of my personalities delusion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel tension in anticipation of a compliment that I can see it's coming because I fear I will be pleased and in that moment of feeling good I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as the delusion of the Mind of emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be 'pleased'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not good enough to stand in and as Self Expression Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than Life as Self Expression through my delusional personalities play out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be somebody' because within and as this desire I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was not enough in and as Self Expression Here in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself desiring or about to desire to be more by telling stories about me as a Personality, I stop, breathe, realize that personalities are Not real and I am giving up my Fake Life for Life Here, Equal and One in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into comparison about 'other personalities' I stop, Breathe, remind myself that mine or others personalities are not real, so in support of myself and to others One and Equal I stop formulating compliments to consolidate others' personalities as I stop desiring compliments as a way to validate myself

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire for self validation, I stop, breathe, remind myself that only the Ego needs and desires to be validated and that I am stopping my existence in and as Ego for What is Best for All, One and Equal

I commit myself to becoming aware of my personalities plays so that I may take on one point at the time into investigating and  deconstructing myself, until only what is real remains, Life, One and Equal in Self Expression in and as Breath as What is best for All.