I have not had a 'feel good' dream for a long time, many years ago when I went to a strange doctress who was a surgeon and an astrologer she wrote a diet for me based on my birthday and place of birth, basically she aligned my nutrition to my preprogramming or DNA, it worked and even my dreams changed, so nutrition has an effect on our mental state, which reminds me I have to become more effective in addressing my diet point to support my body.
The dream I had last night was very vivid, yet as I came out of it because the phone rang, it slipped away a little, here is what I remember, I was on a cruise ship, sort of, going to Naples, I knew when we boarded that the ship could not go where we were supposed to go, which was underground, as it was too big and I knew something was wrong with the ship, it was an illegal ship, some of my friends were on board, at one point the ship stopped and we were asked to go inside a hole underground into a shitty boat into a shitty sea, it was dark and muddy underground, i remember I fell into the water, but not HOW, there was fear but not terror, one of my friend was calling me back to the ship, my ex best friend was in the back, my other friends showing that she was NOT a good friend after all, as they were the one concerned to get me back, while she was concerned but more about herself (this reflects my judgement of her after what happened between us).
I remember puling myself up from this water and sitting on a staircase that was coming out of it, the ship was too far away for me to reach and I did not want to get back into this dirty water, while I was sitting on the steps in the dim light I saw rats everywhere, some floating on the surface dead, and then there was one huge rat just behind my back, we were against each other, touching each other, I felt a movement and turned, a weird thing happened as I knew I was supposed to be afraid and disgusted but I was not, I had touched the big rat and felt the shiny slimy fur like surface of his wet skin, that motivated me to get back into the water and return on board of the ship.
Overall my impression was that I knew I was dreaming, that I knew there were clues to everything I am dismantling of myself, it had to do with fear and the realization of fear being a make belief and probably my desire like Maite wrote, to revert back to a Life of not knowing, the realization that after taking the blue pill everything has changed for good and there is no going back, and for now my Life is not yet working in the present, yet I have nowhere to go back to, the Darkness was everywhere, off the boat, in the water and back on the boat, it was like there was no real choice, to the point that when I went back on instead of feeling safe, I felt defeated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fear is Real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dwell into resistance instead of keep moving and getting on with what needs to be done
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I regret having taken the Blue Pill when I know regret has always been Here for what I have accepted ad allowed myself to become and taking the Blue Pill just made me aware of it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Regret is what I fear when in fact I fear myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Darkness with bad/evil because in this association when I approach the darkness of Me I want to jump off the boat, only to discover that Darkness as Me as who I am is everywhere
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Darkness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that looking inside of me is like looking inside muddy waters when in reality looking inside of me is easy because everything of me is filed and categorized for easy sorting if I just dare to look at it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not know what I have learned because I feel my responsibility now is greater than the one of the ones that do not know and I feel it's unfair because some still get to enjoy their lives and I can't any longer
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I desire the 'enjoyable life' that those that have no clue are living when I know for a fact that no one is having a good time since we share the same operating system of Fear and memories that needs clearing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more than the ones that don't know just because I am jealous of them for not knowing and having 'less' responsibility and so I try to bring them down to diminish them thinking 'they know fuck all'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire an ordinary Life without realizing there are no Ordinary lives but in the Movies and even there lately the shocking state of Humanity is creeping through like in 'Requiem for a dream', and what an appropriate title this is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling asleep because it seems I never catch a break, awake or asleep I just have to face myself and my fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push vivid dreams onto myself as a wake up call when I could be just a tiny little more patient and give myself clues during the day making the night a fear free zone to rest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as my friend One and equal as One that doesn't care after All because of the Life I have accepted and lived including spreading the bullshit of Law of Attraction, that said, I only had to worry about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of suppressed Fears, abusing myself as my physical body, never giving myself a chance to breathe and be Here in the simplicity of me as Breath in Self Expression, One and Equal with everything that exists
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Mind is too vast and the waters are too murky for me to be able to see through the maze, while I am seeing every day more that the Maze is just another idea of myself yet it's the wrong definition within a perfectly organized filing system that offers clues and mirror reflections at every step I take
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this existence so much that I don't even want to look at it, to see myself reflected in and as it and where and how I need to stand in and as Self Correction
When and as I see myself going or about to move into a mental frenzy in which I tell myself 'it's too hard, it's too difficult, there is too much stuff to sort out', I stop, breathe, remind myself I am the one that has put away everything within me as the Mind Consciousness System and I have the tools to undo it and undo myself until I can stand clear and stable and rewrite me as what is Best for All
When and as I see myself trying to not go to sleep because I fear dreaming, I remind myself it's just me giving myself clues about points I need to unravel and one point at the time I can do it and walk equally with all the other that are in process like me
When and as I see myself fearing myself I remind myself Fear is not real, and I'm using Fear as a tool to not face myself when I have already discovered that nothing I feared was as big as I feared it would be, so better get on with the facing myself in self honesty, stand up and correct myself and keep walking
I commit myself to stop myself from existing as Fear and to investigate all my fears so I will be able to let them go and start living Here in Breath where Oneness and Equality is waiting to be realized by All, One and Equal.
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