I have had this as a recurring patterns in relationships, it goes all the way back to my relationship with my mum, when my great grandmother told me once that if I did not behave I would be sent to the boarding house.
This was the greatest threat of my life, I must have been younger than 6 because my great grandma passed on when I was 6 years old, the point became that my life within the family system was not assured or guaranteed and therefore nor was my survival, I had to earn it, I was told as well that affection had to be 'earned', isn't it interesting how many words link Love, Sex and Money ?
So I started to keep a mental book of credits and debts, to see how I was scoring on my way to the boarding house or if I could feel 'safe' for some time, just to go back to worrying when I moved, out of the preassigned lines of what was expected of me, good grades, polite behaviour and general submission.
I brought this fear into my relationships, it seemed obvious that if my place was not guaranteed with my mother, who by the way denied this would be the case, only to put me in a boarding house when I was 13 for one year only, because the nuns kicked me out, but yet confirming that I had not earned my place at home, that the problems we had were not worth solving, I could just be cast aside, as a rebellious teenager and someone else would have to take up the ungrateful job of sorting me out.
When I went to live with my first boyfriend it was because my mother kicked me out of her house, I was 19, on my birthday she told me she had not bought me the one thing she saw that she thought I may like, because she believed I deserved nothing, I finally left that evening and moved in with my boyfriend in a room within a family of thugs that lived in my area.
This is another reason why I always looked for men that were more into me than I was into them, as my chances of being 'kept' and not ditched would be greater than going for a man I really wanted that made it clear could live without me.
I had tried out 'the man I really liked' when I was 17 and run away from home' to go to Ireland, where I had fallen for a guy who owned an Amusement Park and was 5 years older than me, within that relationship I lived in the constant fear he would leave me for another woman, as he was attractive and popular and I struggled hugely to keep myself together, to the point that when I run away from home to go to Ireland FOR him, I did not look him up for the first 3 months, and told everyone I was NOT there for him, because that would have been a diminishment of my position of strength inside the 'Relationships Game', and when he finally cam to meet me he said "I heard from everyone you were not here for me, so I did not come to see you, pretty faultless logic.
After that, when I left Ireland and he asked me to marry him, I lost interest, went back to check on him 5 years later and asked him to marry me and he thought I had gone insane, which I had, but not in those 5 years, I was always insane as I was an avid participant in and as the Mind and Mind fuckups, only to blame everything on my mum and how and why I ended up turning out the way I did, a total mess with no hope beyond redemption.
One of my relationship patterns became to make myself indispensable, when I was very young, through Sex, as that point was clear to me and even why men strayed, so I made sure I was always available, and then later on through taking care of men, from cooking (as my mother was a very bad cook and 'she could not keep a man' as grandma stated in many occasions, so I would not risk any of her 'performance flaws' in my relationships) and generally taking care of the house.
I took this to a completely new level within my marriage, I would fill the house with fresh flowers, come up with new recipes consistently, made up religiously, matched my clothes with my shoes, an almost perfect Stepford Wife, I brought in some of my grandmother's traits and some other traits from women I had met that were successful with men, none of my mum's traits (or so I believed, keeping those hidden and suppressed as I was aware they were borderline on the edge of insanity ) yet my marriage sucked.
I lived in the constant fear that he would not want to be with me, my ex husband was French, he had the traditional French asshole humour which he used to drive home points he was unable to talk about, I was unable to talk about these points too and so I particularly disliked this trait in him as much as I disliked it in myself, so we used to let it build up in our separate secret minds back chats until I would blow up into entitlement having my list of his wrongdoings always handy in mind and always available to replay his assholes jokes until he felt ashamed and wrong.
I was never less of an asshole, I just always felt I was an asshole by provocation.
In my previous relationships, I would at one point find a way to get rid of my men, when the energy high was no longer there and Sex started to become tired, I would move on, I left a trail of unresolved issues that turned into stalking and obsessions that fed my Ego, yet I was always able to justify why I had moved on, I was just honest, there was nothing to share anymore (in terms of energy fixes) so we better part.
With my ex husband something opposite happened, as I felt he was 'too good' for me in many ways and I felt as well that he was not as sick in his head as I was, but I did take him there in 7 years, it took me just some consistent mindfucks to screw him up but I managed all right, this is a point of grief I still live as regret.
The unspoken truth about WHY I behaved the way I did is because I believed he had woken up into this marriage and regretted having married me, but as I was stuck into the marriage in a foreign country without a job, he felt he was stuck into the responsibility of supporting me, and we ended up both resentful and angry pretending to make efforts to make work something that in our secret minds we had given up long before.
Basically, I feared not being wanted, I feared that all my own Self judgements he was now sharing and of course having never forgiven myself, I could never expect or believe he did, so even when we made up between fights, basically, I never believed he let something go, for the simple reason that I did not, I had to hand on to my credit and debts book, that was my survival, it was the proof that I was valuable and I should be kept and not trashed and forgotten like I feared he wished he could do in his secret mind.
So, the pattern 'I'm leaving' started again, 'I'm Leaving' so you cannot leave me, I'm leaving because I have fucked up beyond my ability to forgive myself so how could you, I am 'leaving' hoping you will beg me to stay, validating my existence, my purpose as a wife, a woman that you would not trash just because we fight and we have not yet found ways to talk to each other that are not harmful, I'm leaving because I fear that when I do you will in fact not come and take me back, but let me go, proving that this is what you wanted all along and you just hid it, but I knew it, I could see through you, while in truth I could only see through me and my own judgements of my own behaviour and the conclusions I had come to about myself, that in His place I would leave ME and if I could not, I would wait for me to go, to just close the door and have a party, having watched grief and sorrow walk out of the door to never ever return.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being left behind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being sent to a boarding house because I was not worthy of the love of my family
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to work at being worthy to be loved because I accepted and allowed myself to not love and accept myself unconditionally at all times
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother for sending me to the boarding house while in truth I always only hated myself for believing I had 'deserved to be sent there'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself and hate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anger and hate and love are real as in an energetic expression, instead of seeing that energy is not real, but my self support and unconditional self acceptance as stability Here in every moment of Breath is Real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with and as energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself for being sent to a boarding school because I equated 'boarding school' with 'not being wanted, while I could see my mum sent me there because she realized she was not well in her mind and it was best for me to be away from home
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate my worth to no worth or I would not have been sent to a boarding house, when I can see this was only a fabrication of my mind in separation of me from Self Worth and had nothing to do with the practical solution my mum looked for when she realized she was not well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking about having been sent to a boarding school in fear to show my worthlessness and how I must have fucked up to be sent away from home
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I fucked up because I was sent away from home and for living one and equal to the shame of 'having fucked up" and not being wanted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be sent away from all of my following homes in case I fucked up again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to feel safe anywhere as I lived a life of subordination trying to walk the line between being kept and being sent away which resulted in huge suppressions that then blew up using any excuse I could find to vent the energetic build up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for men I judged less worthy than me so I would not be sent away ever
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some men as more worthy and some as less worthy by comparison to me, my looks and my house keeping, and my money making ability
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I had to become indispensable as a way to guarantee my survival within and as the system of Love/Sex/Money
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of not having been wanted according to my conclusion that if I had been sent away, 'they did not want me around'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my partners may not want me around and send me away whenever a moment of tension arose between us
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'nobody wanted me' and I was Useless and worthless when my mum sent me away from home a second time when she met a man that molested me and she chose him over me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive a loss of worth because of my mum's choices even though I knew my mum was not well and that what she did or said was often a source of regret as much as what I did and said in my life became a source of regret
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a pattern of "I'm Leaving' to test if my partner would keep me because I could not trust his secret mind as I knew I was fully participating in my own secret mind and there were many things I would not speak about, like my fear of being left or sent away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe someone should have 'kept me' to show me I was worthy to be 'kept'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'leave' as a way to find my self worth in and as my partner coming after me because 'he could not live without me'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to precipitate myself into worthlessness because my ex husband did not come after me to bring me back home when I packed my bags and left like a thief without leaving even a note
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was worthless because my ex husband did not want me back and when he made attempts months after I left and had settled down I made it clear I was not interested and even told him 'I would throw myself out of a window if I had to come back and live with you again like before' because he did not want me when I was down and now that I was up again he could just fuck off, instead of seeing it was me not accepting myself unconditionally when I was down and not my ex husband to blame and my words were just a spiteful remark to show it was ME not wanting me and not the truth of how I felt and within this I forgive myself for speaking these words to him in anger and spitefulness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bitch for leaving like a thief without even leaving a note after 7 years of marriage just because I could no longer cope with myself within this relationship that I had loaded with self judgements that I projected as blame on my ex husband
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the cause of my husband change for the worse because I blamed my mum for my change for the worse, when now I can see no one is responsible for everyone and I am responsible for myself and I cannot be responsible for others as they are responsible for themselves and what goes on inside of them that brings them to 'change'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak about this doubt and fear I had of not 'being wanted' but to suppress it in my secret mind to the point that after our separation one day my ex husband said 'if I knew how you were I would not have married you' and I took this point to validate the invalidity of my relationship and my unworthiness as a woman and a human being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and think of myself as unworthy because my ex husband said he would not have married me if he knew how I was, blaming me for everything that went on inside of himself when we were around each other, as I blamed him, without each one of us taking self responsibility for what we brought up within each other in self honesty and self correct ourselves through writing, communicating and self forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my ex husband's forgiveness for what I believe I have done to him, instead of seeing I desired my own self forgiveness that I would not grant myself as a way to prove that at least I don't forgive myself, which makes me good as self forgiveness is just 'too easy' and what about putting in some repentment in the form of self abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with memories, thoughts and feelings about this pattern of 'I'm leaving' because I could see I was acting out but never gave myself the time to work out WHAT was I acting out and Why and how to stop myself from existing as this pattern of abandonment and withing this I forgive myself for withholding my self forgiveness as a form of self abuse and punishment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear abandonment to the point that I would leave first so as not have to face being abandoned, instead of seeing I always feared my own abandonment, my own not standing up and for myself unconditionally, my not accepting myself unconditionally so that from my own unconditional acceptance I could start to dig and see how and why I had designed myself in a certain way and stop my existence as patterns of memories and information to be able to rewrite my past and my future with it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear relationships and who I am and become within relationships with the other sex.
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the pattern 'I am leaving' either outside or in my mind, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I have done this many times before and it has brought no solutions but the endless walking of the same play out, instead I push myself to stay and face whatever it is I would rather not look at and face by leaving while I support myself through breathing, self honesty and self forgiveness to walk away from this pattern for good for what is best for myself and What is Best for All
When and as I see myself walking or about to walk away from a person or a task in fear of having to face my sense of worthlessness, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I only exist as worthlessness in separation from me Here as Breath, so I bring myself back Here and as Here in and as Breath I see I exist as Self worth Here One and Equal to Life and everything that exists
I commit myself to work on this pattern of abandonment and fear of abandonment until I no longer play out this pattern so I can build self trust as myself as someone that will stay and stick to anything for what is best for me, as in stopping myself from existing as patterns of the past, and what is best for All which includes me and the unconditional self support I should have given to myself all along but never did, I commit myself to accept myself unconditionally and stand by myself unconditionally so it won't be necessary or required by anyone else to do this in my place.
No comments:
Post a Comment