So, had a full day today with working out the new Blog site and many other things, one clear point is that I HATE changes, since I am walking with Desteni it seems the only absolute certain thing that I will have to face again and again is in fact CHANGE, because every time I get a little comfortable, we change something, we start a new project, move into a new direction, I am always tagging alone, never able to Master anything, while I always mastered and automated every task of my life, and everything we do that is new I immediately translate in into Time Units, this is due to my previous life where I managed my Time and other people's Time and so I developed this habit of quantifying jobs and tasks into Time Units, and I have an internal Time gauge and when I see the Time level go up, I feel like drowning and my solar plexus tightens up and then this is what I become, a walking solar plexus, like if everything of me has been inverted and sucked into the solar plexus and I have just the two hands left out to write and the Mind to get pissed off at myself drowning.
One point with Time that I see clearly within this process, but that could be coming from my imagination as well, is that we are putting in Time as a Money Unit, because to tilt the balance to a bigger ripple we need either Money or Time as Money Unit that goes into the Money Pot, as the Desteni virtual Piggy Bank, and collects the power of the Time/Money Unit into a nice lump of Money Time Unit that we spend on moving the value system by buying Money as Time Units out of the Matrix of Self Interest and repositioning it on what is Best for All. In fact I know I am doing this, I see it quite clearly somewhere and so I always use this that I see to stop my Time tantrums, I tell myself, Ele, we are reinvesting, moving out of the self interest and greed layout, taking out Money/Time Units of Energy and moving them on the World System chessboard, I know this to be true because when I see this, my body unknots and my solar plexus relaxes and I see that we re not digging dirt like in the army that we are going to put back in to keep occupied, no, we are shifting value and this is one reason why I then move into frustration, because it's like in Schindler's list, hating the idea of finding one coin that would have bought out another Life, Equal and One to my own, because I indulged in something else instead of applying myself to correct myself consistently.
And when I get frustrated I go and buy myself something to eat, to suppress the frustration, I pacify myself with food as I have been pacified since I was a kid, because I have not yet taken the Time Units necessary to see how can I stand as self comfort outside of the patterns of food that I have used as a quickie to shut myself up, to not give myself the opportunity to hear that I have in fact a real duty to myself to be Here for myself first and that I have to devote some of the time Units that I push myself to put in our Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All to myself and that I'm not stealing from the whole if I do so, because I am the Whole and when I think otherwise I'm in fact not Here but separating myself from what I have to do for myself as One and Equal to stand consistent and solid and not build a house for mushrooms and fairies that blows at the first wind, as attending to my foundation is not equivalent to not applying myself but the very opposite, is applying myself to tend to myself as One as Equal so that I grow strong foundations on which I can stand unwavering when the wavering will come for those that were not as lucky as we have been to be coached and supported to stand for what is Best for All.
On this point I have guilt, I have a thought that I must do more because I have had more support than others that are not aware of what is going on and that Time and how we play it is of the essence and in this I stress myself, like a teacher with a ruler, beating on my hands to go faster, do more and ultimately complaining like all of my teachers that I could have done more, should have done more, that I threw away my gifts and in this bashing I cringe and diminish myself to non effectiveness in breathing while I still push for my hands to go, to do, to not worry about me, go ahead, I'll catch up, there is no Time to waste, while I waste me under the pressure of my own judgement and what I can, could have done with a life I have wasted in self interest and what was best for me, totally unconcerned about others and the suffering that my very existence caused while I willingly participated in a system of Abuse, just because it worked for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself regarding Time because I have associated Time with scarcity and limited and so I have to do as much as I can within my own designed Time limitations
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tie Money with Time and for thinking that since I have no Money to give to our group I have to put in the Time, as in a jail sentence, condemning myself for what I have not done in the past with the Money I had
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for not having used my Money for what is best for All until I had no more money to give
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for what I have not done, instead of seeing that the past is gone and I cannot undo what I have not done, but I can stand now to change my value and to shift value from self interest to what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Time as a Money unit, because when I was working Time was Money and so I have tied Time into Money as a value system so I exist as a double entanglement of Money and Time that needs to be shifted on and as What is Best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a Time capsule of memories and relationships, where Time is the container holding in the 'Jack in the box' of my life experiences and memories that I have collected to give Time a dimension of reality, instead of standing through my past time and realign everything I exist as as The Time capsule to what is best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel frustrated because Time is not enough for everything I want to do, instead of setting for myself doable goals according to what I am able to do within a day and not what I would like to do or believe I should be doing according to my mind definition of effective time management
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to throw away all of my life experience as something that was contaminated and could not be saved by correction, like in throwing the baby with the bath tub, as I have not allowed myself to use my Time management tools in fear that I could revert to who I have been within my use and abuse of mine and others time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking at who I have been, because I have seen by walking this process that many times when I pushed myself to look I was never as bad as my mind made me out to be and that for where I made miss-takes I can stand up and correct myself by scripting a new way of standing up that considers what is best for me and best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scare myself about myself so much that I move into the desire to self delete and make myself impaired by throwing away useful knowledge and information that I could use for what is best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for this stand for Equality and Oneness more than I feel responsible for myself because this leads to self abuse while I find ways to comfort myself refusing to put in the time to be intimate with myself in favour of doing what is best for All separating Self from All and making myself ineffective
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate what is best for all with self annihilation, without seeing that not wanting to include me in the what is best for all Equation is neglect and self abuse and what is best for All must include me Equal and One
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk myself down when I have not been able to do everything that came up to be done in a day, instead of sticking to a plan and including the unexpected events into tomorrow's plan so I can effectively manage myself and feel self satisfied instead of self judgemental
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritation at the group that I read chirping through Time consuming tasks, because I compare myself to them, feel ineffective and then proceed with the customary bashing as a result of unnecessary self abusive comparison
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that the group is happy with so much to do just because I am not happy with so much to do and I still use 'happy' as a measure for my effectiveness of my interaction with and as the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss' feeling good/happy' as a measure of being aligned with process because I still allow myself to rely on the feedback of feelings and emotions to measure myself and my effectiveness, having lived my life as an emotion and feeling placement taking guidance from the positive emotions to move myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having to let go emotions and feelings as my guidance system because I have not yet learned to stand self directive and I still struggle to move within an emotion and feeling free environment lacking what I perceived as guidance to point out if I am on the right path or not
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire external guidance because I don't allow myself to stand as Self trust yet, in breathing Here as stability, as I cannot yet relate this new space of stillness as me missing the old emotional turmoils that have defined my life as me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that there is only so much time, while I see that Time is Mind designed and limited and that as I free myself from Time relationships I will free up Time that I can use to do the things that I need to do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see Time as a limitation and not see Time as the opportunity to watch it expand as I slow down in breath, until Time and Breath and Self are One
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into Time Tantrums, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have self forgiven myself for Time management, look at what needs to be done, schedule it and prioritize it and stop any self judgement as self abuse which is not what is best for me or what is best for All, One and Equal
When and as I see myself wanting to whine about not having enough time, I slow down, stop, breathe and look for ways to manage my time effectively
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into disappointment with myself for not having been Time effective, I stop, breathe, tell myself I'm re learning Time under the principle of What is best for All, and that includes me for whom I will make the time to develop and nurture a self satisfying relationship
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire to be guided by emotions and feelings, I stop, remind myself that emotions and feelings are not real and that I do not need guidance because when I am here in breath I can rely on my Self Guidance and Self Directive Movement
I commit myself to consistently manage my time more effectively including Self time as there is no All there is to care for, without Self as One and Equal
I stand as Self Support, Self Directive effective Time management for myself and what is best for All, One and Equal.
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