Day 273: Scaring Others for "Their Own Good" - Character

A few days ago something happened in which I moved deliberately to 'scare another for their own good'. It was he result of a reaction and as such for sure a Character, for a while I justified myself that I had good reasons to do that because I was doing it 'for their own good when in Fact, when is it ever a good reason to scare someone to make them do something that I have concluded and judged to be for their own good?

During one of our chats, when someone asked, 'what should I tell my mother about death?', the answer was 'tell her to not be afraid of death', in which a quiet backchat went 'why, shouldn't we scare EVERYONE with Death so They Change? - I am scared myself!'. Frightening.

Isn't this what we have done to each other so far, using Death to manipulate the lives of the apparent living ones, using Fear to move and motivate.

I am ashamed of myself.

Obviously being ourselves the product of people who used specific triggers to get us to 'do something' that they deemed to be 'best for us', we cannot but predictably have picked up on the tools they have used.

Where else would we learn how to maneuver this world to our advantage?


The Problem

The problem with this specific trait is that I keep spreading this sickening Fear that has turned the world into what it is today, as the documentary "Human resource - Engineering Humans for the 21st century" states 'The driving force of this world is Not Love, it's FEAR", and I participate in keeping it alive in others, even wishing that we would use it as a group weapon 'scare them to death', fuck, that's sad, we are already doing that, we have to do something else for this world as myself to change.

The Solution

The solution is to go and dig inside myself to see how I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed to be moved by Fear and in turn to use it a tool against others, because I could and because I could always justify it with the same lines that were given to me "I'm doing this for your own good, DEAR', when in fact I am doing it for my own good, to make sure that people align to either one of my expectation/desire/opinion whatever it is that I want to achieve. So I have to dig out of myself the original microchips and delete them and replace them with a new script that I can walk whenever I find myself faced again with the 'about to scare Youuuuu' program.

The Reward

I can stand as a point that no longer spreads Fear into others for my own personal wants and needs

I can create more compassionate relationships as I would have liked others to have with me

I will be able to not experience shame for what I see and realize that I am doing as I step into this automated behavior

I won't need to come up with improbable excuses and justifications about why, really, I was doing it for their own good, because that is just crap and totally self dishonest

I won't have to experience regret for having done again that thing I do for the 'good of another'

I can change, this trait of myself is not what is best for All and it has no reason to exist or myself exist one and equal to it.

Tomorrow I will follow up with Self Forgiveness walking this Character in detail

Related articles

• Day 273: Trading with Death
• Day 273: An Honourable Life
• Day 248: Moving Beyond Duality - Imagination vs Reality - Fear vs Desteni
• Day 150 - Prioritizing

Day 262: Anna Karenina's Loves and how to Stop.

How did I change through this process?

This topic is one in which I see both my change and my resistance.

The change took the form of being able to see what is really here, the resistances takes the form of wanting to brush what is really here under the carpet so I can hold on, one last time, to the potential for love.

The point that I wrote myself out so much in the past months has made this idea of love so watered down that it slips through my fingers even when I attempt to hold on to it against my best interest and so it has become a double battle, one with myself to let go and one with myself as I judge myself for how poorly I have managed to hold on to it, how I fucked up my chance to have the romance, even just by sms or in my Mind, but no, I had to sleepwalk at times and write too much, exposing too much how I have changed, not nurturing the lie that I could with a bit of effort step back into 'who I was' so we could have the 'who we were' for a time, just once more.

Today I hence deleted the Facebook friendship and the skype contact, the two places I have identified as having done the most damage to 'my image' having exposed too much first about my change and then about what I would really like, such as a connection, something real, a man to chat to self honesty, a real friend.

I know this was not about sex, not because I don't want a lover, I just don't want it now because I See that unless I walk myself into my physical sexual expression first, I'll end up role playing again in bed and that will stand in the way of my process of getting to know myself beyond the imaginary sexual hang ups I gave into throughout my life, plus he was not the most adventurous lover so the attraction is not a sexual desire, which in fact is one of the point that is pushing me away from this 'potential relationship', it was more the milking of the 'good feelings' of love and desire to be together, be desired by someone as a partner, looking for the value of me into a relationship with someone else, something I have repeatedly looped into in my life and I am not going to time loop again.

As a nice reminder of this 'need' to be desired, today I watched a documentary called 'The bodies of women', a story of women on our national Italian TV, not the after midnight shows for adults, no, these are the lunch shows, the Sunday afternoon shows, the every moment show, where women are depicted as objects to be desired, but not pushed into those roles, nono, they walk into them eagerly, competing with each other for the sexiest shots, youngest takes, best breasts, pubic areas exposures and it made me very sad. Today for the first time I saw why I would shave my hair even if I won't because I need to look 'presentable' to make a living and no hair in Italy is just pushing the envelope too much, being too 'weird' and I am not yet established enough to set my own rules and have a safe income, but, even the fact that I considered what I would discover about myself by shaving my hair was a step ahead from not even considering it, seeing that as women we are the ones who have the responsibility to do our part to step out of this 'meat market' game, if we don't walk away from the belief that the most interesting thing we have is the hole between our legs we are fucked, literally, and not in the fun way either, in the demeaning bashing that is pushing us to line up to be 'the chosen ones' waging war on each other and secretly hating the men we make responsible for what we are in fact doing to ourselves.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to encourage the idea of romance of my ex by sending him messages and well written stories to show him that I have become literate in his language and that we could now, finally, have good communication, when in fact the only point that worked in our relationship when I was 17 and then 23 was the lack of communication

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope to receive messages by sms that would 'warm up my days and my heart' when in fact I was seeking just for an excuse to go on a rampage of 'positive energy' that had nothing to do with the other being but just with myself and my desire for an ego boost

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in reminiscing about our past as something of value, conveniently forgetting that once I said No to marriage and once he said No to marriage and that we were in fact both clear at different times that we were just consumed by an illusion in and as the Mind with no Physical real connection having ever taken place between us

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret the things I wrote as I saw that I did not play the game successfully to keep him hooked because that would have made me feel too guilty, but I pussyfooted with the keeping him hooked and then I judged myself because I should have either gone all the way and hook him back or just leave him alone instead of living the middle path which is just another way to not face my own guilt nor the responsibility for what I do and how I act

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live all my life on the middle track so I would never expose myself too much, manipulating for what I wanted instead of establishing a clear communication in which I could say what it was that I wanted and desired and not pretend I was above it all, detached and never wanting anything in fear that I could be told NO and would have to face the point of rejection

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I did say I was not interested because we are on two separate paths and I don't want to go back to faking just for the sake of some positive experience, that I would not be liked, desired and that I would lose my chance for added value that I could get by having a man in my life interested in me, even if this relationship was imaginary and had nothing based in the physical reality that I could really live and experience as myself as support in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary idea and ideals of perfect relationships in my Mind based on movies, fairy tales, pictures and images that I then tried to live out in the physical reality, only to be always disappointed because reality was never a match to my perfect imagination and fairy tale designed situation, words or sexual experiences and within this for trying and mold my partners to fit into my imaginary ideas of perfect relationships so I could feel 'happy and fulfilled' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized this was going nowhere, to stubbornly hold on to it as the Imaginary Perfect relationship in my Mind, because I fear having to start from scratch and so I rather pick up a man from the past, dust him out a bit, give him an imaginary make over and try again, hoping that he will know me by now, even though I myself know I am not the same woman and that this would mean to have to step back to who I was to give him/them a chance to pretend to still know me and for holding on even when I saw there was no way I was going back to please a man this time, even though I pretended I would, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw clearly that I was at a time loop intersection, at a point I have already lived a few times of giving up my life that is now beginning to work again for a delusion of the mind only to have to start over again and again when I would fall back on the planet, to not immediately come clean and let the other person know that there is no way in hell I am going to do this again and since he is not in a position to drop everything either given his commitments we should have just let it go but  did not because I did not want to let go of the hope for some' residual good feeling' that I may lose out on if I did and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he stopped calling, instead of seeing the wisdom that he matured equal to me that this can't be working and accept that he took the step I didn't want to take, even though I believed he should have told me -even in the face that I didn't...-to feel abandoned and rejected and that he was just screwing with me so he could write some more freaking songs about me instead of talking to me and for blaming him for doing what I didn't have the courage to do using the excuse that he should have done it my way -which in fact was no way-, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized he may never be calling back, to delete his face book page as friend and participate in the backchat 'he will wonder now why I deleted his contact and maybe ask his cousin and he will ask me and I will say 'because he is screwing with me' and have my little revenge to make him feel bad as I felt bad, and for accepting and allowing myself to justify why it is my right to spite someone because I made up imaginary feelings of being HURT I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to delete the Skype contact because I fear that I may have one of my crazy Anna Karenina moments and write something I regret and within this accept and allow that I am not in charge of what I do because I leave it all to my sub-normal personalities and Characters to step in and drive the show, and for accepting my weakness instead of standing up in and as self responsibility to live as the Directive principle of me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself to, when I watched the Italian documentary about the Bodies of Women, to feel sad and ashamed for what we have accepted and allowed as we believed that our worth is only in the desire we can manufacture in a man and that our education or ability to live effectively in the world amounts to nothing until we have someone wanting to fuck us, which is the result of what we accepted and allowed ourselves to believe about our value as something separate that we have to achieve, that we have to work for, that we have to collect points that ensure that our survival within the system is guaranteed, and for feeling disgusted at us as women and what we have become I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that this is one reason why I cannot let go of the Beauty construct or the desire to make up, because I fear the perception of my loss of value in my own eyes, the diminishment of myself from a sexually desirable object to nothing and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that unless I am fuckable and judged by males as such, I am worthless and unable to compete and as such to survive in this male dominated patriarchal world, and for participating in this gender delusion and power struggle, I forgive myself

Related articles

• Day 225: Free The Slave 4 Love.
• Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership
• Day 231: The Sex Market - Trading in Love & Money
• Day 245 Sexualized Sexual Eyes
• 102 - Relationships = Relate-to-Self
• Day 219 - Relationship - Pt. 3

Day 136: Committing to Stop my Desire to Own and Control Others

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to controlling character where I would secretly revel within the power of having the power to control another being and through this I forgive myself that I did not see, realise and understand that to accept and allow myself to become the controller I am accepting and allowing the polarity design of ‘control’ to exist within and as myself thus I am perpetuating the creating and experience of being controlled which I can now see, realise and understand is not a pleasant experience for anyone and through this I forgive myself that I did not see, realise and understand that ‘wanting’ to control another person means that I feel powerless within and as myself which I then try and remedy by controlling / trying to control another person, which when successful, I feel better about who I am within and as myself and through this I forgive myself that I did not see, realise and understand that when I become the controller I am in fact accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for who I am within and as each breath as I am relying on ‘control’ to direct the situation without me actually standing up and directing the situation within and as an expression of who I am. Esteni De Wet

When and as I see myself desiring to control another, planning and plotting how to best enslave them to me, I stop, Breathe, see, realize and understand that if such desires arise in and as me I have given in to the feeling of being Powerless and the Fear that I need to own and control another so that I can manipulate the outcome of a situation toward my hidden wishes and desires, in fear of Not getting what I expect out of a situation, instead I address my hidden wishes and desires to see where and how they originated and what I fear to lose if I stop my existence as the Good Master of Others



I commit myself to no longer step into the Good Master Character as a way to feel more and more worthy than another but to address my feelings of insecurity as they come up together with my fear of inferiority so as to STOP once and for all my desire to own others and have power over their Lives



I commit myself to investigate where, how and why, I have designed myself into this fake benevolent Character for the purpose of manipulation and control of another , as I see realize and understand that there is nothing benevolent about trying to create debts in the Life of another that will have to be repaid when I decide to call them back, as this is the very behaviour of a Mafia Boss or of the Banking System that I no longer want to see manifested in the World as a reflection of myself and my own Secret Mind

 

I commit myself to release everyone I have tied to me through a system of 'favors' as I see , realize and understand that I have never given anything for free but as an 'investment' and that 'investing' in the Life of others for the purpose of Profiting is what this Money System is doing to All of us as a reflection of our own participation as 'Investors for profit ' in the lives of others, instead I make sure that what I give has no strings attached, because the system we are redesigning as ourselves as an Equal Money System has no strings attached as everyone will be cared for Equally without Profiting or Retaliation for missed 'Imaginary Due Paybacks' and it won't manifest until we let go of our own Profiting and Retaliation in the name of Imaginary Due Paybacks


I commit myself to no longer abuse those who find themselves in a position of having less than me, which is the easiest place for abuse if their livelihood depends on me as in the employer/employee relationship as I see realize and understand that it is just because I am part of a system of Abuse that I get to have employees as I Capitalize on Their Need to Make Money to buy themselves Their Right to Live, because when everyone will have Equally, noone will be any longer in the position to Abuse for the livelihood of another and until then to treat everyone as I would like to be treated, giving as I would like to receive and standing One and Equal with everyone I share 'Time' with on this planet, until we are all released as Each one walks to release themselves from Slavery into a System of Support for and as Life as What is Best for All in Oneness and Equality






I commit myself to stop myself when I see that I automatically move into the 'how can I profit, how can I benefit, what's in it for me?' Character which works in association with the Good Master Cover Up as a Team of Thugs whenever I am interacting with someone and to no longer suppress this backchat of mine because I dislike seeing me as having turned into a profiteer of Life, but instead look at the thoughts that I have accepted and allowed to be automated as me so I can release them through self Forgiveness and self Corrective application to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All



I commit myself to no longer be ashamed of digging into the dark corners of my Mind so I can become accountable for what goes on inside of me, as Change for myself and All of Existence Equal and One can come only through my absolute accountability and Self responsibility to Correct myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

Related articles

• Day 85: Manipulation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 103: Expectation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 107: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements
• Day 131: Because I Said So
• Day 132: Hey, You Belong to Me!
• Day 128: Economic Slavery and True Activism
• Day 141: Narrative and True Activism

Day 46: Fami-Lies and the Debt System

For 2 days I have been disturbed by the Creation's Journey to Life Blogs, the first one is titled

Parenting Patterning Fear and Control

from which this sentence is the one with the highest 'off-ending' value to me' as in off-sending me into some Mind trips and Blame Constructs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every emotion, action, word, pattern produces in the child a chemical response that is associated with a feeling-experience - and that the parent will seek the patterns that the child responds to in a way where the parent feel is in control, and then the parent will call this the personality development of the child, while it is in fact the creation of a chemical dependency in the child’s body that produces a feeling, which as a feeling will play the major decisive role in regards to what the child will become as the New Adult will make decisions and create the world based on the feelings they are addicted to, and even create more chemical responses of greater feelings by training the body to produce chemicals that eventually will lead some adults to become gurus, masters, lightworkers, successful people all based on feelings created by an addicted body - though the mind will get all the honor, while the mind is not the real Creator of the feelings.

The second One is called  

In the name of Love 

This one fared better in the Off(s)ending that I felt, and I took out 3 sentences that did the trick for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to see that the parent would force the child to learn patterns of behaviour and speech as early as possible, patterned on the patterns that have been proven by history to not be in the best interest of Humanity or Earth - and yet no effort is made at any level to stop this abuse, and in fact the right of the parent to visit the sins of the fathers on the children is seen as a right that may not be challenged, as God apparently gave the parent the right to ownership over the child to do whatever the parent sees fit for the child – regardless of the fact that the result of patterns taught can be measured and thus much of the outcomes of a human Life can be patterned to greatness and equality, yet the pattern used is fear that is programmed into the body to a level of physical addiction that repeats itself as personality that gives the parent great joy to see themselves MIRRORED in their children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any form of religious indoctrination that the parent impose on the child is conveniently protected under freedom of speech, allowing the freedom to abuse not only the New Children but also the planet – regardless of the fact that the consequences are known, just because it fits unscrupulous business, political and religious leaders and allows them free reign to feed off the terror and fear programmed into the human generation after generation, so that no possibility exists to bring a world that is best for all Life that will expose abusive leadership and stop the intentional spreading of rumours and lies purely to protect power and profit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the damage done to a child to become an insufficient, irrational adult is not done to the mind, but through the MIND into the physical as a permanent, chemically induced, infused bodily response pattern hidden behind thought and words visible as behaviour, beliefs, fears, mannerisms, thoughts, secret thought, desires, all exactly in similar patterns to what exists in the parent – that is why the metaphor says: like father like son. The Desteni Portal allowed for the total reinvestigation of all things to see direct with cross-reference how reality actually functions and those with some regard for Life left in them should pay very close attention.

The reason why I had reactions that I tried to suppress are various, one is that I dislike to 'attack' my family as the source of my fuck ups, yet I see in this script the possibility served on a golden platter, to just walk away from my response-Ability to embrace Blame, second is that in truth I always wanted to Blame my family and tried hard for most of my life but then I pretended to give up and went  for therapies because at some level I understood that it was a passing on of patterns, like if we were imprinting each other with each other traumas and bullshit that did not end with the FamiLies, it goes on into infinity, until We Stop.

Then there was the point of 'I don't want to discuss this in an open Blog', that my mum can read (mum, remember what I explained to you, it's nothing personal, it's just systems releasing systems :)), in which I will expose what I felt for my family and what probably many of us felt for our families and could not explain and then suppressed and then felt ashamed about and then guilty and by the teen age all this compounding comes out in disgust and rage, but I was never angry at my family, I was always angry at myself, how could I accept and allow myself to turn into a Circus Clown, to imprint myself with my family history, traditions, beliefs, ideas and when i did not, with the polarity of all of the above.

Yesterday as well I saw how the Debt and Credit system starts, the Ledger starts in the FamiLie, where everyone pretends to be someone else, where everyone lies and doesn't own up to their real emotions and feelings and where we are asked to do and say things 'to make others feel good' and so we start to perpetrate the madness of The Mind as ourselves into endless loops of Blame for which we write on the Credit columns, and Shame and Guilt for which we write on the Debts column, then we grow up and take the fucking Ledger into the world, we live squaring books, accounts, building Credits in a world of Debts, while Fear eats us up, that the Debts may one day swallow us and remove us from existence once and for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated my family because I couldn't work out how to stop this imprinting that I could see myself participate in and as, becoming the undesired clone of patterns of abuse and excesses that I ended up beLieving to be Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of Love/Hate within the family system and for feeling and judging myself as good when I beLieved I Loved them and bad when I beLieved I hated them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful when I believed I hated my family instead of seeing I was just participating in an Energetic Polarity Construct of negative/Positive for the purpose of generating energy for myself as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by and throgh the emotions and feelings I lived One and equal to me and for believing these Emotions and Feelings to be me as Who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pass on to other Children, the wisdom of Imprinting them with patterns of Energetic rewarding/punishment as a way to make them be/have and tame them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that manipulating others into patterns of emotions/feelings as punishment/reward systems, building credits/debts along the way was acceptable just because someone did it to me and so I had to pass it on instead of seeing I always had a choice to do what was best for me as an Energy system or to do What is best for All as Life and I picked the choice to do what was best for me as a collector of Energy/Credit units for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear posting about my family in case my mum reads this thread and she feels off-ended about it, meaning that I would be the cause of a loss of Energy/Credit Unit and I would then be resented

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent those that took Energy/Credit Units from me, believing that it was their doing, instead of seeing my own acceptance and allowance in the participation of me in and as the Credits/Debt System of Energy as a way for me to exist as the Ego of and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear interacting with others, because in every interaction due to my comparison/competition I would subject myself to the potential of losing Energy/Credit Units to someone that i would define More than me, instead of seeing that I could stop All Games by renouncing the Ledger of the Debt/Credit system that I have lived in and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that the sins of the father could be passed on from generation to generation, in fear that I was doomed to become/be like my family, failing to see that by accepting and allowing myself to be born into and as separation within a system of abuse I had already given my permission for the cloning of me as a unit of Self Interest that generates power through friction and that I have lived a life of friction for the purpose of creating more and more Energy for myself so I could beLieve I was more than others who had a lower Energy/excitement/friction existence as I defined myself according to my Ledger of accumulated Energy/Credit Units toward the World in separation from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to Blame my family for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and within this I abdicated my response-ability, projecting my guilt and shame on them for my participation in and as a system of self interest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the Blame for my family when I understood that Blame was not a desirable emotion, while I kept blaming them inside of me, in the depth of me, because I rathered be the victim that the one that would have to stand and stop what I had accepted and created myself into

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate memories and to store my life in convenient patterns of abuse, so I could remain 'the victim' and justify why I was not  standing up in and as the Solution of myself as Life, One and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I was fucked beyond repair and for fearing turning out like my mother, who was not mentally stable because she fought herself as The Mind all Her Life without having the tools that are now offered to me by Desteni, to get out of my own Self Created Hell, in which I dwelled for most of my Life and in which I dragged others with me while I tried to make sense of why I felt so sickened by Life and myself and I did not want to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to die because I didn't want to live and face the manifested consequences of my existence in and as The Mind, and everything that I have accepted and allowed to imprint into me, that became me as The Mind in The Physical, from which I now have to delete the energetic polarities I have embedded into my body that create and drive me automatically into friction for the purpose of manufacturing energy for my existence in and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask myself the question 'if I deserved to live', having seen and judged myself as the source of my and others' suffering, a destruction machine that I could not stop, did not know how to stop, instead of seeing that if I Breathe I am Alive and every Breath is a chance to start new, and I could see the Mercy of Life standing in and as the example of Self Forgiveness, so I keep walking myself into the Self Correction of Me, until I stand One and Equal to the Physical in and as Self Forgiveness, to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All, for myself as Life, and all of existence, One and Equal

I commit myself to stop my patterns of 'Victimhood' that I kept alive in the desire to blame who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become onto my Family, instead I stand in and as self responsibility, accepting that I am the result, the outflow and the manifested consequence of my own separation from Oneness and Equality and that I am walking myself in and as Self Correction to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my existence in and as a Debt/Credit collector/ generator, supporting my existence as a Unit of Energy in and as The Mind, stopping my desire and search for friction to feel 'alive' realizing that a-live means without live, without Life, and that Life is not defined or limited by thoughts, emotions and feelings, but exists Here stable in every moment of Breath 

I commit myself to walk myself patiently out of the Mind and out of my existence of and as an Energy Unit Debt Creator and Credit accumulator, to stop all the Ledgers of the World, to stop the Debt System that is now manifested in and as The Money/Debt System within me as The World, so we may manifest a World that is Debt Free, as me, as Life and existence Equal and One

Day 21: Rotten Fruits - The Silence of the Lambs

 

As a kid I was taught that silence is always questioned and not always welcome.

My grandmother taught me that 'the word is silver but silence is gold' as in having MORE value, interesting that everything we believe and define has a value tag on the Money chart of existence, but she did not mean it, she only meant that I should shut up when I was supposed to  and speak 'appropriately and in an educated way ' when required.

One sentence I heard later in Life is, "It's nice to be able to sit next to each other without the desire to talk or without the need to Talk...and feeling Ok about it:, I always agreed, to the sentence in general, not about having reached that status of 'being OK with it', as I have almost never been OK when I sit in silence with someone, unless if and when I don't know them.

Why is it and how that I have developed this pattern of 'Filling the Gaps of Silence" ?

I was not very talkative as a kid, some answers to Life questions would have been fine kept short, like "How was school ?" "Fine", this was not appreciated as the people around me, due to their own personal mindfucks, always attached something to my 'keeping my replies short' that could go from 'you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk to me, hei Missy, don't take that tone with me and the last one was 'are you angry with me ?' this mainly from my grandmother, so I equated talking, including talking verbal diarrhea, with being FINE, being acceptable while showing others I am FINE and there is nothing wrong going on between us, we are OK.

But in truth, within our secret Minds, nothing is ever fine, we are always busy criticising ourselves or others and the best strategy is to have people talk, so they won't be able to fuck off in their secret mind and do damage and this applied to myself, I talk nonsense to fill spaces, voids to exorcise the fear that if I am not talking I am thinking and if I am thinking someone is getting fucked up there, I used to think it could be me or others, now I see it can only ever be me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the verbal diarrhea way of communicating as a way to fill gaps of silence in fear of getting lost in and as my secret mind and regretting what went on 'up there'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a chatty personality that speaks useless rubbish just as a way to not leave gaps in which I fear what I will think or feel for the person talking to me for which I blamed them instead of taking self responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and emotions and stop myself from participating in and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when I saw or perceived people around me having enough of my chatty behaviour that I cold not stop as the nonsense chat was better than having to face myself in self honesty about what was going on inside of me that I projected on others through blame and judgements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I was clever for having come up with this chatty personality as a way to avoid conflict failing to see there were no conflicts outside but just inside of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear silence because as soon as there is a moment of silence I wonder what the other is thinking allowing my mind to be preoccupied with the possible potential thoughts of another as a way to just live in and as The Mind to not face myself Here in Breath for what I accept and allow myself to exist as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at the ones that always wanted words out of me as a way to prove themselves that everything was fine, while I see I was always angry at me for taking on and living out this personality trait tormenting my mates within my Relationships in their moments of silence to assure to me that everything was fine, when I can see I don't need anyone's assurance but mine and that assurance is possible only when I am Here in and as Breath and out of the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire other's approval to 'feel fine' instead of being just fine with myself as Self expression Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear silence and for forcing myself to find stuff to talk about that led me to prefer isolation than other's company in which I felt always constricted to play out a part to fit in and be approved

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to the design of verbal diarrhea just to fill gaps of uncomfortability without investigating what I was uncomfortable about so I could correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the verbal diarrhea I speak about as a way to fill the uncomfortable silences in my life that I feel when I spend time with someone, that made me fear spending time with anyone in fear of activating this personality, not seeing I always had a choice, and not being able to just say 'there is nothing wrong I just don't have anything of value to say in this moment'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other's reactions I will have to face if I remain silent instead of seeing I feared silence in fear of what I would see and hear myself do in and as my secret mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that unless I chat endlessly about things of 'value' like current news or hip topics, I am worthless because I have not accepted that to flow in the system I must be the system and not be in the system but not of the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to criticize my ex husband when he did not want to participate in verbal diarrhea, because it made me feel less for being the one who needed to participate in and as verbal diarrhea to fill my gaps of silence that gave me insecurities about myself and where I stood with him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interface people through this chatty personality because I believed people fear less the chatty ones than the silent ones, while it is me fearing less the chatty ones than the silent ones that I cannot 'read, because you never know where you stand with the silent ones but they could  trust where they stood with me (fat chance)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chat as a way to manipulate others into feeling safe and believing I was 'an open book' when in truth I never really shared personal self honest stuff but just bullshit to fill gaps and have people relax not having them thinking what I thought all the time "what is she/he thinking now ?"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others think of me because I fear what I think of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fill in the gaps with my family about useless shit I know they wanted to hear and within this accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that my Life as Self Expression was not possible and I would have to suppress forever and live into remote corners of my mind where I could be safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have real relationships with anyone because I never gave myself a chance to interact for real within Relationships being too busy living and projecting the chatty me because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the Quiet me was not OK

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be someone else and within this desire to not accept myself unconditionally in Self Expression where I speak only when I have something valuable to say, meaning something that can support another One and Equal to me or I can stay quiet and Breathe while I listen to another, without engaging thoughts about myself or another in self dishonesty while I miss a chance to really get to know the other being beyond my personalities and accepted behaviours

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the uncomfortability of silence, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer want to move in and as verbal diarrhea and contribute with my Words to the World Fuck Ups and if I have any feelings, thoughts or emotions, I will not speak because such expression is not of me as Life but of me as Mind Consciousness System and I have decided to stop my participation to stand up as Life for What is Best for All

When and as I see moving or about to move into the fear of silence, I stop, remind myself fear is not real and I'm just making it up to allow myself to go back to my usual behaviours of speaking with no awareness and I have decided I no longer want to do that so I will keep stopping myself until I no longer activate and live this pattern within and as me

I commit myself to slowing down and stopping my participation in the world in and as the verbal diarrhea that created and manifested the world in such fuck up with my own direct contribution, allowances and acceptances

I commit myself to realize that there is nothing to fear in the silence of me that is not suppression because silence as self expression or silence as unrequired and unsupportive words for myself or another is perfectly fine, I commit myself to see that I am fine in and as Silence that is not suppression and to explore Silence as me as a way to Self Express Here as Life, One and Equal to Silence as Me.

Day 15: Sex as a Value System

I have a poor history of relationships, I had poor examples as well while I was growing up, so I could never record and file an acceptable way to experience myself within relationships as fulfilling.

My grandmother had been married twice, the first time she divorced she said it was because 'they were so different' and they were, putting together the unbiased info of their relationships, my grandfather liked sex, but was probably not skilled at it nor he was into self expression as NO Catholics could do sexual Self Expression being sexuality something to suppress, and my grandmother loved Money and a Status, nothing my grandfather could offer.

The urban legend around them has two sides, one side, my grandmother's side tells the story that she was abandoned during the war with a small daughter and that my grandfather would send his military wage while abroad, to his mother, so when he returned from the front, she told him to fuck off back to his mother, then, she said, years later she met my step grandfather.

My grandfather spoke little about her, but even after 30 years, he still hated her quietly, as the offence she cast on him by leaving him, HE, a good looking man with a sure job within the system, even though not a glamorous one, was impossible to overcome. One funny anecdote is that many 30 years after she left him, he met her by chance at my mum's office but did not recognize her and believed her to be my mum's friend and he was absolutely nice to her, leaving the 3 of us, grandma, mother and myself, totally blown away, until we realized he had not seen who she was, it was a politeness addressed to a mistaken identity.

My grandmother was very beautiful, movie star like beautiful, which was one reason why she thought she could do better than my grandfather, meaning, her beauty on the Money Market or on the Potential Money market was worth more than her first marriage out of need, to which she agreed only to find a place to live for herself and her mother, my great grandmother, just before the II World War.

She passed on to me this belief, that I could have any man I wanted, a belief I actually went and tested out and found to be quite true, which just meant, any men would respond to my making a move or opening the door to make a move, but later I discovered that this would have been the same for every woman in Italy as the men are raised to never 'reject' a woman in fear of not 'being man enough' so I just played a part and they responded with their own preprogramming, this was no point of value for any of us even though we both mistook it for one, the men feeling valued by the openings, the women feeling valued by the acceptance and the men's desire.

Recently I have seen a very sad Italian comical movie titled, "You cannot judge me' in which a woman whose husband dies is forced to become an Escort, this is the new politically correct name for prostitutes, as they Escort a man, to his bed, but sounds better, the whole movie is all about the point of us accepting that hard times require hard measures, and selling out to prostitution cannot be judged as bad (which we all agree about, how can we judge what we have to do to survive, who knows what each one of us would do with a small child and the fear to go to prison ?), but this movie is tragic because what they meant is we have to support this idiotic economic system that makes us sell out into prostitution to pay our debts, that is in fact honourable, paying your debts at all COSTS, questioning the system is DIS-honourable and NOT allowed, so just go out and find 'creative' ways to make money as the system is fixed and unchangeable, you instead have still room for self diminishment and creative sell outs. 

What are we accepting and allowing ourselves to become to NOT question this system and ourselves as the bricks that keep this system together ?

In the movie a photographer tells her 'you have a cunt, but don't deserve it', meaning you have no clue on how to capitalize on it, this was a clue point for laughter, it saddened me greatly, that this is what we have become, cunts for sale, as in the Italian language we built up to that, calling women 'beautiful cunt' or any other name that suggests 'cunt' in a more politically correct way, has become acceptable and desirable as the truth of what we are, walking cunts waiting to be picked up and prized at the Sex market that existence has become, having accepted and agreed on a world that runs on sex and Money.

In the same movie there is another tragic joke, when she is told to advertise having a cup D of breast, and she objected having just a cup 'A' and the photographer told her 'Dear, it's just to lure them into your home, then once they are there and aroused they would fuck even a sink' to which she replied 'this is really flattering', yet this is a point we all know, we all abuse, we move and breathe sex and we hold on to not give it too soon, as that would bring on inflation as for everything that is pushed on the market not having waited for the height of the hype, so we hype ourselves up, through make up and clothes and high heels and sexy stockings, our lives are built and geared up to advertise what we will later deliver, once we get the man to jump into enough fire loops to show his devotion because as my grandmother used to say 'If he loves you, he will wait', as a sign of respect, to show that he is not just a dog, beating his hard on down with a newspaper when no one is watching due to the arousal we are raised to stimulate.

A life of simulation and stimulation.

So sex was something that was distorted in my mind as a power tool, it seems that what we had between our legs was the focal point of our existence, when all else would fail we were taught there is an intrinsic value to us, our sexuality, we can always sell out, without seeing we sell out by moving, speaking, building up the electrical charge that we will shape into a wooden club we'll use to beat the men on the head, just until the roles are reversed, immediately after sex, then they become the powerful ones, they got the prize and now we have nothing left to give away, we are left with the memory of the power we held until we gave in and now they hold the power of deciding  when and if they will fuck us again, this is how we build up the numbers with men, we end up to have xx men, yeah, a double digit number, because something weird happens after sex takes place and many potential relationships turn out to be just what they were, a ride, to which we both wanted to give a glamour cover as Love or Potential Relationships, while aware that very possibly, once consumed, the programs that make men disgusted with women would kick in, and the shame the women feel for having given in too soon or having 'given in' at all just to face now the men's refusal and disgust would make any attempt to a relationship impossible and we just have to resort to moving on until we find the next pray to repeat the sex dance again until one day we just STOP and look at what is really going on to stop repeating the patterns of Sex as Self Abuse instead of Sex as Self Expression within Agreements of Self Support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my worth lies in my sexuality and how well I play the sexual card

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired as a way to measure my value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate men into desire as a way to find value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear intimacy and to offer sex instead of intimacy because I was not even intimate with myself and had no clue about how to correct that point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire intimacy as something that my partner would and should give me instead of realizing I cannot have what I don't give so I have to start with self intimacy to buil relationships of intimacy with another One and Equal as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman's purpose and reason to exist is to be desired by a man and then have a relationship and ultimately to be married

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold sex as self expression as a way to manipulate emotions and feelings of the men who desired to experience it with me until the moment was 'right', meaning hyped enough for maximum energy build up and release

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by the men's disgust after sex because I could see it was a recurrent pattern but not to what it was linked or how I caused it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the cause of the men's disgust instead of realizing that it was not their preprogrammed disgust that bothered me but that I took it on and lived it one and equal to me as self disgust for my own participation in and as the sex system of manipulation and abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself to not show I enjoyed sex in fear of activating the 'disgust' programming in men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe we held the power between our legs and that through that we could always get our way instead of learning to build an honest communication based on self honesty and self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being called 'a beautiful cunt' was something to aspire to as a way of gaining value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to expose this sex point because it's private and shameful to share all the stuff that went on in my secret mind about sex because I fear the judgement of others and my own self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame and guilt for the sexual experiences I had because I felt I was never real but a carbon copy image of the porn images I saw and I believed I had to play out to gain value as a sexual object

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed to just walk by men in the streets because I assumed they were always thinking about sex and fucking and I did not want them to think those thoughts about me when I did not agree to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sex as the only power we have as women because by accepting and allowing this belief I agreed to a world where women are selling themselves as their only and last resort for survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self expression as sexuality because I did not have a map of how that should happen and I did not understand self expression having always and only lived in and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad to see how far we have gone in our gap between men and women and for being aware that I have fully participated by holding on to secret thoughts and beliefs such as this that I am now willing to expose so we may all see we share the same sick mind and we need correction to be able to build agreements instead of the sick model of relationships in which we praise secrets and manipulation as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was sick in my head regarding sex and sexuality instead of seeing, something wrong is going on in this reality and we need to question because I'm sick and not raping people and some that are further down the line from me are doing just that, so , really, what is going on in and as our minds that needs to be addressed and self corrected for and as What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that a sick sexuality inside within a closed system that showed a sick sexuality outside that has been getting worse since I can remember with more abuses and violence and the demeaning of women having reached unprecedented levels, there may be a connection between our minds and our world inside and the world outside Equal and One and we may have to stop and address what goes on inside of us to purify what goes on outside of us and to create a world that is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the arousal of men as a point of self empowerment in the game of winners and losers as I get to be the winner when a man gets a hard on and he gets to be the loser for having been unable to control himself and his own mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see men as weak because with a hard on you could lead them anywhere

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sex as Self Abuse in and as the Mind  instead of expressing Self as Self Expression One and Equal to my physical body

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into one of my sexual personalities for the purpose of manipulation, I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to call flirty what is abuse and manipulation and breathe myself out of the temptation to engage automatically one of my personalities just to go on a ride into Self Abuse taking others with me along the way

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire for self judgement about my sexual life, or the desire to judge others about their sexual life, I stop, breathe, remind myself we are all preprogrammed sex slaves and stop my participation in any form of judgements in separation of me from Self as Oneness and Equality

When and as I see myself desiring or about to engage the desire to move into sexual behaviour, covert or not, I stop, breathe, bring myself back into the physical, remind myself that sexuality that happens in my head is NOT real and that I want to learn to express my sexuality in and as the physical as Self Expression and that every time I engage in Sex in and as the Mind I move myself away from self expression Here in every moment of Breath and I no longer want to do this

I commit myself to disengage myself from sexuality as a way of communicating with males  and as a way to gain value for myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as Self Value and Self Worth and that when I see an emotion or a feeling arise due to sexual remarks or sexual innuendos I stop, breathe and disengage as accepting value through energetic movements is a moment of separation and self deception in which I move away from Self Value in favor of the Mind Illusory value and from Life in favour of the Energy show that I have decided to give up as and for Life and What is Best for All.