Saturday, March 28, 2015

Day 454: Releasing The Perception of a Suffocating Mother

I have been aware that I need to work on this point for some time, quite unfortunately I am aware that I still tend to learn through consequences or to wait for consequences to make it clear that if I delay more on a point I will timeloop and have to live it again.

This is the case with this perception that I have about my mother, the key work here is 'suffocating/suffocation', this word is so much a key to the way I perceive her that some of my friends are able to pick it up within me as if this is what my mother does - for real-, instead  that that word existing in and as my own experience of my mother, a version of my mother I have created that may even have little or nothing to do with her - we'll see.

So, this perception of being utterly suffocated by this woman goes back a long time, my mother believed in keeping a tight leash on me as I grew up, looking back frankly, quite appropriately, because I grew up in the Bronx of Milan, where drug dealing was the norm and a tiny fruit stall in the square in front of my house, used as a cover up for some illicit affairs, was regularly set on fire by rival gangs.
Let's say it was not the best environment to let a child loose.

My mum was not deeply religious either, as some Italians are, this as well contributed to her perception that she had to do most of the work other mothers leave up to God, so she was fiercely protective of me and she rathered be the one to know where I was at all times than spend a prayer to trust me in the mighty hands of the Divine.

All of these things and many of her energetic outbursts contributed to me associating what I felt when around her to Her personally, never seeing, realizing or understanding that I was the one making associations, defining moments and her within them, moments when I felt uneasy or tense or utterly scared or angry as her doing and not my doing, shifting the responsibility for what happened inside of me onto her - to the point where every emotion that came up within me as a result of interacting with her - I blamed it on her.

So, the relationship with my mother has been characterized by these main character play outs - the victim, the rebel, the rightful, the scorned and of course, last but not least - the suffocated one.

I will now apply one of the tools I have learned walking with Desteni to release the layered energy build ups in relation to this point and what is around it.
By the way I want to  share that since I have been walking with Desteni and have consistently applied the tools, specifically about the relationship with my mother, I have been able to change many of our dynamics, just 2 days ago, when she went beserk over something, I was able to not allow this to blow into a full possession on my side and even though she went into the same blameful dynamic of making me responsible for how she felt over something I said, I did not fuel the progression because I was not as charged as I used to be toward her, which gave me the advantage of holding a space for her to let loose without me loosing myself within in or taking what she was saying personally, so these tools WORK - this is a proven fact.

Self forgiveness is not a magic wand, I know because it didn't make my mother disappear -hehe- what it did for me was giving me space, so instead of living in a convoluted cloud of emotions and feelings and thoughts, I built up space inside of myself and yes, sometimes I fell and still fall and let a fuck off run loose, but then I pick myself up, reassess the point, see why I reacted, where I am still emotional, what I can correct to become more stable and stop blaming others for how I experience myself.

Regarding my mother for example I realized that when 'I loose it' she has nothing to do with it, she is just role playing and every role needs an antagonist. It is when I stopped being the antagonist that I started to create opportunities for change for her as well. Not that this matters because I can't be responsible for her change, or anyone else for that matter, but it shows that what we do affects others, and if we don't stop our role playing, our polarity swinging, our energy building, we'll keep going the same direction we have gone so far, into the hellish existences we have created for each other and have justified because 'she/he did that first/said that first/thought that first and told me to go fuck myself first' and in that we miss the basic point of our collective change -
forgiving means letting go of our idea of a valid retribution/restitution - there won't be any, if we held on to that we would be stuck into these cycles of ex I stance forever more instead of gifting to ourselves and each other the gift to break free, because we never considered before that we may deserve better than what we have created so far and as we do we'll see that everyone else does as well, this is why we have started a movement for-giving to each other the chance to start anew to create ourselves and our futures as something we can be proud of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my emotional world to my mother and to believe she was the one generating emotions inside of me - instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I was the one IN CHARGE, creating all sorts of energies as a consequences of the thoughts I accepted and allowed inside myself about her, her words and her actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and say out loud that my mother is a 'suffocating woman' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was associating my feeling of 'being suffocated' by all the energies that I created and juggled inside myself to her, because she happened to be around at the same time when and while I was creating these experiencing in and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was angry at my mother for the way I felt when I allowed myself to be triggered into an emotional reaction by some words she spoke or things she did that I took personally instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mother was unable to manage her emotional world and that she was just overflowing what she could no longer contain and that was not personal or meant to harm me but was her pressure valve going off with those closest to her as that's where she felt safest to let loose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized by my mother as if she was the abuser and I was the abused, when in fact I have equally abused both myself by participating in emotional possessions and her by copying the same pressure cooker valve system and within this for believing that it was ok to blame her for what I felt and experienced just because she blamed me for what she felt and experienced

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to rebel to her authority to the point that I run away from home when I was 17 just to get away from all the crap and commotion that was going on in my home and for not seeing realizing and understanding that I was reacting to the belief that she was the cause of my own experiences of myself and what I was rebelling against instead of seeing the real cause of my own experience of myself which was me as the Mind and all the conflicting thoughts and beliefs I was trying to manage at the same time that were generating extensive friction and uneasiness inside of me for which my mother had no response-ability at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my  mother for throwing away 20 + years of my life smoking pot because 'if she had not been the asshole that she was' I would never have resorted to 'self medicating' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I conveniently blamed my mother for how I experienced myself because blaming her gave me carte blanche to be a total ass and to reject any responsibility for myself because 'there was this obsessive woman' doing all the work anyway - which meant I was not required to and I could just cruise away as a free spirit and never be the lame woman I came to believe she was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons to criticize my mother as I grew up because I wanted reasons that showed I was right and she was wrong and that the physical repulsion I have developed for her was in fact justified by the very long list of things I accumulated against her - like the terrible shoes she wore even being born in Italy -forgodssake-, the fact that she mismatched the colours that she wore, the fact that she wouldn't wear make up to look good to the point that in my eyes she became this dysmorphic creature born in a family of good looking people, which meant she must have been really evil at heart because beauty=good and she had none of it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was ashamed of my mother because 'she didn't look good' and because I took on from my grandmother this value of being beautiful and groomed and listened to all the criticism my grandma made about my mother, about the way she looked, about the way she thought, about the men she chose that would never stick around long enough to prove she was worthy of a relationship and within this I forgive myself for the shame and the anger I felt when I sat down while my grandmother spoke about my mother in ways that hurt me but kept quiet because I hoped to be in her good books when she would die and leave her money to me and not to such an undeserving woman as my mother was in her eyes, until she was that in my eyes as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dirty and untrustworthy for not standing up for my mum when my grandmother and my grandfather spoke about her like she was just a ball of untamed emotions without seeing realizing and understanding that they too were into the blame game and that my grandmother wanted no responsbility for my mother's feelings of not having been wanted when she abandoned her as a child and so she worked hard to make my mother guilty and undeserving so she could feel better about what she did and within this for allowing myself to copy this behavior of making others guilty for my own feelings and emotions and then trying to belittle them to prove that it was always them at fault and not me in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my mother was not a good mother and that was the reason why I turned out the way I did and for telling her when I gave up pot that I had been addicted for a long time, just so she would know that everything she said and did to me didn't go without consequences, justifying this disclosure as 'explaining myself' so she would stop to take some things personally while in the background I run my little extortion racket where I knew she would move into guilt and I would have my own little revenge while she took on the blame for my own existence so that I could keep on living irresponsibly and not feeling bad about it - because it was her fault if I resorted to pot to manage my own experience of myself - self created - inward generated and outward projected and blamed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted by my mother, strangulated, suffocated, believing she was the one doing this to me, instead of seeing , realizing and understanding that I was a victim of my own mind let loose and never directed and that I used pot to find some breath in between emotional possessions and that I felt ashamed of this vice that I then glorified into a lifestyle and a choice and this made it even more important and vital for me to blame my mother because I was looking for ways to get rid of the shame of my existence and as she blamed her mother and my grandmother blamed her daughter, it seemed a fit choice for me to join in the blame game and blame them both and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the blame game and in construct of superiority and inferiority to try and justify why I was not responsible for the choices I had made and who I had become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I had created an 'Inner Mother' using bits and pieces of the most unpleasant memories that I stored about my relationship with my mother and that I have used this inner Mother as a stick to beat myself up with and a measure to check any of my decision against and that the friction I caused inside myself by living 24/7 with this Inner Mother I myself created, I then blamed it onto my real mother, making her responsible of the inner turmoils I lived relative to the inner dialogues I had between myself and my self created Inner Mother instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I was always the one and only using the rod on myself that I blamed my mother for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my inner mother may say about some decisions I want to make, in fact about any decision I want to make, because, as I realized as a child that I had no power to make my mother happy consistently, I created an internal mother I tried to please at all times, not seeing realizing and understanding that it would be impossible for me to please a character I have created within me using the worst pieces of my relationship with my mother and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I created this Inner Mother to support my ideas and beliefs about my real mother as being 'bad' as I could bend my own created mother character to take the most despicable stands in my life and then believe that is what my mother would do, given a chance, when in fact I have proved over and over again to myself that the only reason my mother still surprises me is because she refuses to match my own Cruella De Ville fantasy character and she has proved to be way more reasonable than the character I created and kept alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up memories between my real interactions with my mother and my imaginary interactions with the self created mother inside of me until I can always prove that I am right, that I have a point and within this for not giving myself the opportunity to get to know my mother for real, giving her a chance to step out of my imagination to become a physical living being, not giving to her what I am seeking for myself, to stop being puppeettered by myself and others so I can start becoming a real flesh human being and within this I forgive myself for not having given what I want for myself, a life, life as a breathing living being - to my mother and to myself, equal and one

I commit myself to, if and when  a feeling of suffocation, being suffocated, constricted, oppressed comes up in my solar plexus, to stop, breathe, see what it is that has moved energies within me, take responsibility for it and release it through self forgiveness without blaming it on anyone else and in the specific, without blaming it on my mother

I commit myself to release the Inner Mother I have created within and as myself by letting go all of the unpleasant memories that I have stored to design this character in a Cruella De Ville-ish way to prove that I was always right and my mother always wrong - which allowed me to justify my emotional upheavels for which I now commit myself to become response-able and direct them to a correction

I commit myself to, if and when a point of friction comes up between me and my mother, to stop myself from going and playing it out in my mind first to check what my internal fictional Mother would say or do in an attempt to not be surprised and to be in control of my emotions and feelings outcomes, instead I can stop, breathe and communicate with my mother in the real physical world what it is that bothers me and how can we find together a solution that works for both

I commit myself to, if and when my mother should go off the rocket to stop and breathe, to not pick and choose what I will store of what she says to later use against her but to understand it's just an energetic blow up that I don't need to take personally and that doesn't define me in any way - so that I can be a safe space for her to let loose when she can't contain her energetic build up anymore - without being affected by it in any way

I commit myself to for-give to myself and my mother a chance at starting a real relationship based on communication in the present moment about present things and to always seek solutions and not friction in our interaction, fixing this one relationship for good for myself and all of existence, equal and one

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