I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at A. for going 1 hour late to the appointment I made for him and within this for getting angry at myself for getting angry at him
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in my view I am absolutely right, like this point of lateness, to feel that I am entitled to get angry because it is the other person's wrong that is making me angry because if they had gone/come 'on time' I would not be angry and in this there is the proof that it's all their fault
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I had to point out how the story unfolded and how I was so clear about 'tell me a time, anytime you want but then stick to it, please' and because of this I was more than entitled to go berserk because I perceived this 'going late' as 'being taken for a ride', as having lost importance, value because I have invested value in the point of 'people being on time to prove that they value me'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that any value invested outside of myself makes me fragile, brittle as my value depends on what someone else does and on how they perceive things as important or unimportant and within this for having accepted and allowed myself to invest value in 'being on time' both as me being on time and others being on time
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my grandmother telling me to 'always be on time' because she had been traumatized by the only delay her father had in her life that turned into tragedy when they received the news he had been found dead with his bicycle in a ditch and within this for imprinting the message 'if you care about me you would never be late' as myself to live out with others
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my grandmother telling me 'if he cares about you he would not have made you wait' at which moment I felt ashamed because I had been kept waiting proving to others that the boy I was seeing did not care about me and within this for accepting and allowing that moment of shame to be tied into people being late as my loss of value
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not caring about me because 'they were/are late' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am just projecting this lack of care I have for myself to sort out this issue of 'caring for myself' onto others and this is one point where I can use this projection effectively because it was done to me by someone who 'loved me' and thus I can do it to others
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always like 'being on time' within a feeling of stress in fear that if I let someone down and I am late than they will think 'she doesn't care about me' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this 'being late' point is my own creation whichever way I play it out and within this for accepting and allowing myself to resent those that don't feel the same stress about 'being on time' because it seems unfair that I should be the only one going through this at both end instead of addressing the 'being on time point ' to its solution within me and not expecting others to live out my same patterns so I can normalize them instead
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated last night when I played out this whole scenario again and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that all the thoughts that followed such as 'it's useless, I will never change or enough, I want out of process because it's not working' were all excuses that I used to justify why I was still reacting about a point that I saw clearly some time ago and within this for not supporting myself to sort out the 'being on time' point because too much time had gone by from when I saw this point and hence it would be useless, hopeless, worthless to be addressed in detail because 'I had missed the boat'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put value on time because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'time is money' and within this statement accept all the outflow consequences such as irritation and impatience when someone uses up my time, that I had not set aside to give unconditionally, in exchange for nothing, wasting my time, wasting it because it was in no way monetized and within this for having accepted and allowed my whole life to be monetized for my time instead of questioning this construct that we accept and live out everyday as if it were 'normal' and the 'way things are'
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to cut out of my life the people who are never 'on time', seeing them as a waste and within this for valuing more those that can be 'on time' compared to those that can't be on time, instead of simply directing the point in a way that works for all, such as not expecting those that have not sorted out their relationship with time management to be on time and to use that point to define my value or their level of 'caring'
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel that if I do not react to those 'abusers' who are always late, who waste my time, who don't respect me or care about me than I am deserving the 'abuse' and as such I must react and tell them off so they know where I stand
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'not being on time' as abuse and for then reacting to my own definition of 'not being on time' blaming it on another and feeling weak if I didn't stand up for myself in anger instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one abusing myself through an energetic reaction and by not be willing to let go of this definition of myself because I believed that 'this is who I am' vs seeing this is who I came to believe I was based on memories and my own self definitions of an external event that I can change by no longer accepting myself to be defined by it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as uncaring and inconsiderate whenever I have been late and for fearing this judgement of myself about myself and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was inconsiderate and uncaring in general by extending this definition of myself to spill over other parts of my life by telling myself 'you don't care about anybody' fuelling this idea about myself through one single point relative to being 'on time' -or else- instead of changing my definition of what 'being on time' means, which is just to - possibly, all things considered - meet at an agreed time and that not doing so doesn't define me, nor others, nor my relationship for the better or worse
When, as and if I see myself becoming irritated about the 'being on time' point, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I have walked this point to remove the blame for others about how I feel within it and immediately take responsibility for this point, breathe, stabilize myself, remind myself it's not personal nor it defines me and move on
When and as I see myself wanting to bring up all other times when someone was late, wasted my time, was, in my opinion, uncaring and inconsiderate, to prove my case, I stop, breathe, see what is the negative experience I am accessing and release myself from it through self forgiveness and physical self corrective application by not giving in to it nor normalizing it in any way
I commit myself to stop reacting to people not being 'on time', to not take it personally and to not let such a point define who I am nor my worth and value in any way any more.
No comments:
Post a Comment