Day 171: Broken Stepford Wife - Part2

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Day 167: The Broken Stepford Wife - Part 1 - Character

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Day 79: "Fuck It' Self Forgiveness Statements

Thoughts connected to this Character

You only live Once

Might just as well

Who cares

Enough is enough

Sometimes you have just go to....

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down (Mary Poppins)

Forget about it

Moving on

Feelings and Emotions

Sadness, Joy, Anxiety, Longing for something, Fear

Identified Circumstances for activation

Sense of Defeat, Desire for a Reward not received, Perception of Uselessness/Hopelessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character whose password is 'Fuck it' to underline that nothing that comes after " Fuck It" should be anything for which I should concerned myself or be responsible for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and BeLieve that 'You Only live Once' as a way to justify why 'Fuck It' should be the next thing I say and then get on board 'Fuck It' for the next senseless ride

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I 'Might just as well" enter the "Fuck It" Character because I have accepted and allowed myself to embody Hopelessness and Uselessness and from there I might just as well follow up with a Useless, Hopeless Character such as 'Fuck It'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Uselessness and Hopelessness are who I have been and who I am within my interpretation of 'Fuck it' and just before entering the 'Fuck It' character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned regarding the perceived judgements of others that I then would fear and lie about saying 'Who Cares' and from the friction between my feelings of Fear and my desired suppression an opportunity to board 'Fuck It' opens up, instead of seeing and realizing it is always me judging myself and as I have started the judgements within my 'Judge' character I can stop them stepping out of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe and speak 'enough is enough' and within this meaning to Blame on others and external circumstances my own experience of myself and within this Blame feel the entitlement of boarding and embodying 'Fuck It' as a way to get even with the ones who  I perceived have pushed the 'enough' line without seeing and realizing there is only me doing the job in my own Mind and having all of the responsibility for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that 'sometimes you have just got to ........" in which the blanks are usually filled with something damaging or toxic that I do to myself stepping into my 'Fuck it' Character, because within this sentence what I am actually stating is that I have no power to actually NOT do 'that thing I do' which is entering and embodying 'Fuck It' and the string of consequences I will create for myself and others because 'I have just go to'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold Mary Poppins as a role model of everything I wished to have had in my Life, a flying nanny who would take care of me and my emotional needs, showing my parents that it was time for them to learn how to fly kytes with me and not be so concerned with working all the time leaving me behind and not even providing the perfect nanny that would look after me and take me to walk on the smoke of Chimneys into magical sunsets, justifying that I had it harder that the Banks family and their loving nanny and I was thus justifyed to say 'Fuck it' once in a while and claim back my fun, never realizing the fun I was after was system fun, in which something had to be bought for me to have the experience I was seeking as in booze or dope or shopping or sex, which was a form of shopping that I paid for with myself as energy as the price/prize for that moment of experience that I would then call and define as a Life worth living, implying that I am just worthy when I am Energy and the ups and downs of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe 'that a spoonful of sugar makes anything go down' and for then substituting the sugar with anything that seemed whatever I was trying to push down to infact go down, deeper into my Flesh, so that I would not notice that I was infact making myself one and equal to everything I have used a spoonful of sugar to not face and address, sweetening the truth of who and what I believe myself to be, which was How I experienced myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Sugar as a way to sweeten a Life I perceived and labeled as Bitter, for which I saw no sense at All but to look for those spoonfuls of sugar here and there to make what I perceived and believed Life to be, bearable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and label Life as unbearable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love Walt Disney and everything he did to make us dream and remove us from this reality of suffering and horrors, until I went on a rampage of digging for the truth of everything and discovered he molested children and had set up a space under Disney world where children were trained to become sex slaves while his fantasy world was becoming more and more Sexualized, failing to see Disney was the ultimate reality check for landing as that reality of fantasy could not be above and beyond the reality of ourselves which we are walking as manifested consequences of our desire for More than me and desire for More than Here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the justification of the Demonic nature of this world as an excuse for my 'FuckItAll' embodiment, because suddenly everything seemed just too big, the Demons had taken over even Disney and what's next then, instead of seeing I am the Demon of my own existence and we should have seen it coming because we could not have the Angels without the Demons and that realizing the nature of Polarity of Reality did not need a "FuckItAll' Character, because that had already taken place and brought us Here, but the opposite, a movement into Self Responsibility to stop any and every participation in and as The Mind in which everything has become justifyed in our insane search for the next energy surge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everything is Energy and the physical is transient and so 'Fuck It' could coexist within this belief, because one day I will leave the body I have been abusing behind and move to Higher Planes, free from the limitations of the Physical, failing to see that as in the Physical wherever I went I would take the whole of me with it and having equated myself to Abuse that would not make for a pretty follow up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself within the 'Fuck It' personality/Character, thinking and believing I had the right to abuse myself as I was not damaging anyone else but me, failing to see that whatever I did to me I did to the Whole, as Oneness and Equality exists in the Physical and can be seen all around and that me stopping my existence as Self Abuse as 'Fuck It' is an act of sanity that stops my participation within and as the insanity that I/We have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that when I access sadness, I am in Character as the 'Sadness/Sad' character and that I usually move into sadness as a way to justify my next move which can be 'Fuck It' because now I am sad and I will do anything on my swing of emotions and feelings to just move on the higher scale from the low end that is sadness in which I myself have put myself as a form of self manipulation to lay the ground to justify why I need that something that I want, to move myself out of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and see 'Fuck It' as a reward Character, failing to see that Re-Warding is what it is, it's putting myself back into the Insanity Ward from which I will have to pick myself up yet again when I am done swinging and have done enough damage/self abuse to see that I cannot go on 'that way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use joy/ happiness as a way to access 'Fuck It' because I have been sooo good that now I am happy/joyful and from there to 'Fuck It' the step is short and sweet as I claim my Re-Ward for a job well done, that of securing an energy high for myself against al odds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use 'Fuck it' as a way to get over my anxiety issues, failing to see there was only me in my Mind that could put myself into a state of anxiety and I can stop as I have started it, by Breathing and investigating what is going on within me that I can address to correct my participation in and as the Mind that generates feelings of anxiety, instead of boarding the 'Merry-go'Round' of 'Fuck It' because there is Merry there but there is 'Go ROUND' as well as I always land where I started or lower and 'Fuck It' has proved to NOT be able to address or resolve any issue in my Life so far

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and recognize Fear for what it is, which is a make belief emotion that I myself generate when I set for myself expectations that I do not meet or project myself into a possible future of doom and gloom, such as I am doing at the moment with my job point, which is self created and can be corrected if I keep applying myself, writing out what is it that bothers me so I can consistently stop my back chats and bring myself back Here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Fear is Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'long for something' and for trying and attempting to suppress all my longings, hoping they would go away, so I do not have to look at what it is that I long for and why and remind myself I am longing for Myself Here, instead by suppressing I make the longing grow fonder and stronger and then in a disappearing act I don't remember what is it that I am longing for and I leave myself with an unidentified longing for "something" and then I access 'Fuck It' so the longing stops as I dumb/numb myself down until the next awakening into the damages and consequences of having, once again. boarded 'Fuck It' into my trip to nothingness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Uselessness and Hopelessness are real, which they cannot be, because Hopelessness is the lack of Hope, which is a Make-belief Construct, that I can suffer only if I have invested and valued Hope as something that is useful and could ultimately rescue me from myself, which is NOT, and Uselessness is just another make Belief, a state I access when I have not usefully managed to get what I wanted which I myself had a script for that I had not disclosed to myself as secrets are my way to keep it all Mysterious and Interesting, instead of stopping All and every Bullshit I create for myself in terms of desires and expectations and just bring myself back Here consistently to address myself and my Creation back into correction and alignment to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in my own 'sense of defeat' because to be defeated I must have set myself up against something, which at best is against myself, instead of stopping all 'against' so that defeat can not take place as I equalize myself to everyone and existence, for myself as Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that whatever I do has to be rewarded, because I have embraced the Reward system of consumerism, in which if I study what they want to teach me I get rewarded with 'good' grades, and if I work and accept the system as it is I get rewarded with Money, and if I accept my role as a woman and keep my place I get rewarded with a relationship and so I believe that everything I do has to be followed by a Reward in the form of an experience of 'Feeling Good' about myself and who I am within what I have done and when the reward of feeling Good doesn't come, since I myself have decided I am entitled to it, I will seek for my own Reward and get on with the 'FuckItAll' Character, that always Re-Wards me into Feeling Good about myself through whatever it is I have filed as 'rewards' that can be Food, drinking, smoking Pot or having Sex, or all of the above, failing to see I am just abusing myself within the Belief that I am infact Not Enough unless I validate myself and my existence through an experience of Energy I have come to accept and allow myself to believe to be Who I Am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce and diminish myself to an experience of Energy, Seeking for the More of Me and the More of Here, creating this world within the starting point of Separation and the longing for the Moreness of Me and the Moreness of here, failing to see I was always Here as All There Is and there is in fact nothing More I can be or make of myself but lessen myself and diminish myself within the belief that the All/Whole of ME was in fact Not Enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was/I am NOT Enough and for seeking the experience of More, which led to where we are today, within the Moreness of Nothing, because as I sought the Moreness of Me I became a Character longing and seeking for More and from that Character separated from Me as the Whole and All There Is, I created other Characters who themselves were flawed with the Not Enough/Seeking for More that we translated into Sex and Money and a System of looking and longing for Moreness, from which we have to wake up and Claim our Wholeness of Self as Here, stopping the looking and longing of ourselves as Characters within a make belief reality of Energy to come Home to Self Here as All/Whole that Exists

When and as I see myself stepping into one of the con-ditions I have described as my excuse to activate me as 'Fuck It', I stop, Breathe, remind myself that any con-dition is Self Created and I can Stop It and do not allow myself to walk into and as 'Fuck It' reminding myself nothing of value has ever come from me embodying this Character for myself or others Equal and One, and apply Breathe to stabilize myself out of the CON to not give in to 'Fuck It'

I commit myself to walk myself out of 'Fuck It' consistently, to bring myself back Here using The 4 counts Breath when and as I see myself walking into the possibility and set ups that lead me automatically into 'Fuck It' and to stop my existence as a reactive robot that creates automatic stances I can step into as a way to not take responsibility for myself and my thoughts, words and deeds, but to become a Self Responsible Human Being that cares for myself and others as Life, for myself and All of Existence Equal and One.

Day 16: I fucked up, I leave You so you won't leave Me

I have had this as a recurring patterns in relationships, it goes all the way back to my relationship with my mum, when my great grandmother told me once that if I did not behave I would be sent to the boarding house.

This was the greatest threat of my life, I must have been younger than 6 because my great grandma passed on when I was 6 years old, the point became that my life within the family system was not assured or guaranteed and therefore nor was my survival, I had to earn it, I was told as well that affection had to be 'earned', isn't it interesting how many words link Love, Sex and Money ?

So I started to keep a mental book of credits and debts, to see how I was scoring on my way to the boarding house or if I could feel 'safe' for some time, just to go back to worrying when I moved, out of the preassigned lines of what was expected of me, good grades, polite behaviour and general submission.

I brought this fear into my relationships, it seemed obvious that if my place was not guaranteed with my mother, who by the way denied this would be the case, only to put me in a boarding house when I was 13 for one year only, because the nuns kicked me out, but yet confirming that I had not earned my place at home, that the problems we had were not worth solving, I could just be cast aside, as a rebellious teenager and someone else would have to take up the ungrateful job of sorting me out.

When I went to live with my first boyfriend it was because my mother kicked me out of her house, I was 19, on my birthday she told me she had not bought me the one thing she saw that she thought I may like, because she believed I deserved nothing, I finally left that evening and moved in with my boyfriend in a room within a family of thugs that lived in my area.

This is another reason why I always looked for men that were more into me than I was into them, as my chances of being 'kept' and not ditched would be greater than going for a man I really wanted that made it clear could live without me.

I had tried out 'the man I really liked' when I was 17 and run away from home' to go to Ireland, where I had fallen for a guy who owned an Amusement Park and was 5 years older than me, within that relationship I lived in the constant fear he would leave me for another woman, as he was attractive and popular and I struggled hugely to keep myself together, to the point that when I run away from home to go to Ireland FOR him, I did not look him up for the first 3 months, and told everyone I was NOT there for him, because that would have been a diminishment of my position of strength inside the 'Relationships Game', and when he finally cam to meet me he said "I heard from everyone you were not here for me, so I did not come to see you, pretty faultless logic.

After that, when I left Ireland and he asked me to marry him, I lost interest, went back to check on him 5 years later and asked him to marry me and he thought I had gone insane, which I had, but not in those 5 years, I was always insane as I was an avid participant in and as the Mind and Mind fuckups, only to blame everything on my mum and how and why I ended up turning out the way I did, a total mess with no hope beyond redemption.

One of my relationship patterns became to make myself  indispensable, when I was very young, through Sex, as that point was clear to me and even why men strayed, so I made sure I was always available, and then later on through taking care of men, from cooking (as my mother was a very bad cook and 'she could not keep a man' as grandma stated in many occasions, so I would not risk any of her 'performance flaws' in my relationships) and generally taking care of the house.

I took this to a completely new level within my marriage, I would fill the house with fresh flowers, come up with new recipes consistently, made up religiously, matched my clothes with my shoes, an almost perfect Stepford Wife, I brought in some of my grandmother's traits and some other traits from women I had met that were successful with men, none of my mum's traits (or so I believed, keeping those hidden and suppressed as I was aware they were borderline on the edge of insanity ) yet my marriage sucked.

I lived in the constant fear that he would not want to be with me, my ex husband was French, he had the traditional French asshole humour which he used to drive home points he was unable to talk about, I was unable to talk about these points too and so I particularly disliked this trait in him as much as I disliked it in myself, so we used to let it build up in our separate secret minds back chats until I would blow up into entitlement having my list of his wrongdoings always handy in mind and always available to replay his assholes jokes until he felt ashamed and wrong.

I was never less of an asshole, I just always felt I was an asshole by provocation.

In my previous relationships, I would at one point find a way to get rid of my men, when the energy high was no longer there and Sex started to become tired, I would move on, I left a trail of unresolved issues that turned into stalking and obsessions that fed my Ego, yet I was always able to justify why I had moved on, I was just honest, there was nothing to share anymore (in terms of energy fixes) so we better part.

With my ex husband something opposite happened, as I felt he was 'too good' for me in many ways and I felt as well that he was not as sick in his head as I was, but I did take him there in 7 years, it took me just some consistent mindfucks to screw him up but I managed all right, this is a point of grief I still live as regret.

The unspoken truth about WHY I behaved the way I did is because I believed he had woken up into this marriage and regretted having married me, but as I was stuck into the marriage in a foreign country without a job, he felt he was stuck into the responsibility of supporting me, and we ended up both resentful and angry pretending to make efforts to make work something that in our secret minds we had given up long before.

Basically, I feared not being wanted, I feared that all my own Self judgements he was now sharing and of course having never forgiven myself, I could never expect or believe he did, so even when we made up between fights, basically, I never believed he let something go, for the simple reason that I did not, I had to hand on to my credit and debts book, that was my survival, it was the proof that I was valuable and I should be kept and not trashed and forgotten like I feared he wished he could do in his secret mind.

So, the pattern 'I'm leaving' started again, 'I'm Leaving' so you cannot leave me, I'm leaving because I have fucked up beyond my ability to forgive myself so how could you, I am 'leaving' hoping you will beg me to stay, validating my existence, my purpose as a wife, a woman that you would not trash just because we fight and we have not yet found ways to talk to each other that are not harmful, I'm leaving because I fear that when I do you will in fact not come and take me back, but let me go, proving that this is what you wanted all along and you just hid it, but I knew it, I could see through you, while in truth I could only see through me and my own judgements of my own behaviour and the conclusions I had come to about myself, that in His place I would leave ME and if I could not, I would wait for me to go, to just close the door and have a party, having watched grief and sorrow walk out of the door to never ever return.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being left behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being sent to a boarding house because I was not worthy of the love of my family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to work at being worthy to be loved because I accepted and allowed myself to not love and accept myself unconditionally at all times

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother for sending me to the boarding house while in truth I always only hated myself for believing I had  'deserved to be sent there'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself and hate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anger and hate and love are real as in an energetic expression, instead of seeing that energy is not real, but my self support and unconditional self acceptance as stability Here in every moment of Breath is Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with and as energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself for being sent to a boarding school because I equated 'boarding school' with 'not being wanted, while I could see my mum sent me there because she realized she was not well in her mind and it was best for me to be away from home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate my worth to no worth or I would not have been sent to a boarding house, when I can see this was only a fabrication of my mind in separation of me from Self Worth and had nothing to do with the practical solution my mum looked for when she realized she was not well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking about having been sent to a boarding school in fear to show my worthlessness and how I must have fucked up to be sent away from home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I fucked up because I was sent away from home and for living one and equal to the shame of 'having fucked up" and not being wanted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be sent away from all of my following homes in case I fucked up again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to feel safe anywhere as I lived a life of subordination trying to walk the line between being kept and being sent away which resulted in huge suppressions that then blew up using any excuse I could find to vent the energetic build up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for men I judged less worthy than me so I would not be sent away ever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some men as more worthy and some as less worthy by comparison to me, my looks and my house keeping, and my money making ability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I had to become indispensable as a way to guarantee my survival within and as the system of Love/Sex/Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of not having been wanted according to my conclusion that if I had been sent away, 'they did not want me around'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my partners may not want me around and send me away whenever a moment of tension arose between us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'nobody wanted me' and I was Useless and worthless when my mum sent me away from home a second time when she met a man that molested me and she chose him over me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive a loss of worth because of my mum's choices even though I knew my mum was not well and that what she did or said was often a source of regret as much as what I did and said in my life became a source of regret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a pattern of "I'm Leaving' to test if my partner would keep me because I could not trust his secret mind as I knew I was fully participating in my own secret mind and there were many things I would not speak about, like my fear of being left or sent away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe someone should have 'kept me' to show me I was worthy to be 'kept'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'leave' as a way to find my self worth in and as my partner coming after me because 'he could not live without me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to precipitate myself into worthlessness because my ex husband did not come after me to bring me back home when I packed my bags and left like a thief without leaving even a note

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was worthless because my ex husband did not want me back and when he made attempts months after I left and had settled down I made it clear I was not interested and even told him 'I would throw myself out of a window if I had to come back and live with you again like before' because he did not want me when I was down and now that I was up again he could just fuck off, instead of seeing it was me not accepting myself unconditionally when I was down and not my ex husband to blame and my words were just a spiteful remark to show it was ME not wanting me and not the truth of how I felt and within this I forgive myself for speaking these words to him in anger and spitefulness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bitch for leaving like a thief without even leaving a note after 7 years of marriage just because I could no longer cope with myself within this relationship that I had loaded with self judgements that I projected as blame on my ex husband

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the cause of my husband change for the worse because I blamed my mum for my change for the worse, when now I can see no one is responsible for everyone and I am responsible for myself and I cannot be responsible for others as they are responsible for themselves and what goes on inside of them that brings them to 'change'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak about this doubt and fear I had of not 'being wanted' but to suppress it in my secret mind to the point that after our separation one day my ex husband said 'if I knew how you were I would not have married you' and I took this point to validate the invalidity of my relationship and my unworthiness as a woman and a human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and think of myself as unworthy because my ex husband said he would not have married me if he knew how I was, blaming me for everything that went on inside of himself when we were around each other, as I blamed him, without each one of us taking self responsibility for what we brought up within each other in self honesty and self correct ourselves through writing, communicating and self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my ex husband's forgiveness for what I believe I have done to him, instead of seeing I desired my own self forgiveness that I would not grant myself as a way to prove that at least I don't forgive myself, which makes me good as self forgiveness is just 'too easy' and what about putting in some repentment in the form of self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with memories, thoughts and feelings about this pattern of 'I'm leaving' because I could see I was acting out but never gave myself the time to work out WHAT was I acting out and Why and how to stop myself from existing as this pattern of abandonment and withing this I forgive myself for withholding my self forgiveness as a form of self abuse and punishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear abandonment to the point that I would leave first so as not have to face being abandoned, instead of seeing I always feared my own abandonment, my own not standing up and for myself unconditionally, my not accepting myself unconditionally so that from my own unconditional acceptance I could start to dig and see how and why I had designed myself in a certain way and stop my existence as patterns of memories and information to be able to rewrite my past and my future with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear relationships and who I am and become within relationships with the other sex.

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the pattern 'I am leaving' either outside or in my mind, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I have done this many times before and it has brought no solutions but the endless walking of the same play out, instead I push myself to stay and face whatever it is I would rather not look at and face by leaving while I support myself through breathing, self honesty and self forgiveness to walk away from this pattern for good for what is best for myself and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself walking or about to walk away from a person or a task in fear of having to face my sense of worthlessness, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I only exist as worthlessness in separation from me Here as Breath, so I bring myself back Here and as Here in and as Breath I see I exist as Self worth Here One and Equal to Life and everything that exists

I commit myself to work on this pattern of abandonment and fear of abandonment until I no longer play out this pattern so I can build self trust as myself as someone that will stay and stick to anything for what is best for me, as in stopping myself from existing as patterns of the past, and what is best for All which includes me and the unconditional self support I should have given to myself all along but never did, I commit myself to accept myself unconditionally and stand by myself unconditionally so it won't be necessary or required by anyone else to do this in my place.