Day 104: Cheap/Worthy Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Divide the world in Cheap and Worthy based on Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to the Worthy than to the Cheap, according to my own perception and judgement of what is worthy and what is cheap, and to not see that my own self judgement of myself as both worthy as the rich granddaughter and cheap as the poor daughter were The filters through which I saw and divided the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the label 'cheap' since when I used it it was to diminish the other to my own diminishment of myself as my own perception of Cheap as the Poor Daughter, due to where we lived and the lives we led that to me were poor and cheap in comparison to my grandparents who in my perception lived rich and fulfilling lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate money/rich with 'fulfilling life' failing to see that through this association I defined my life fulfilling ONLY when money was present, and unfulfilling when Money was not present, reducing myself to a Money Slave for my own fulfilment in separation from myself here as Breath as Life where nothing is needed for Self Expression as Self Worth 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that my own embodiment of two Characters in polarity ensured maximum friction within me that I perceived as aliveness as much energy was generated through my own Characterization within polarities of opposing Characters, which is what Bipolarism is when we take this point to its max

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mum as bipolar, failing to see that I was the bipolar one living within polarity personalities as Characters for which I did not want to take responsibility and instead suppressed, trying to play just One Character at the time to keep myself from going mad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going mad as I felt the friction of existing within polarities that I did not know how to address and let go through self forgiveness and self corrective application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be Worthy in fear of being Cheap, without seeing and realizing I was fearing my own self judgement as Cheap in relation to my acceptance and allowance of the World System of Money as the ultimate Value/Worth assessment tool

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that unless I let go of Money as the Worth and Value Tool of existence I not only keep/kept myself enslaved but all others as well, while I insisted on seeking my own worth/value outside of myself to confirm I am worthy and valuable through the Money System, in separation from myself as Self Worth and Self Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that when I moved onto Spirituality I did so within the belief that I did not have the access I wanted into the Money System and so an alternative point of Value and Worth had to be sought to replace the Money System, so I could grow inside the Spirituality/Consciousness Movement and make myself More than others having failed at making myself MORE through the Money System and within this I forgive myself for desiring to make myself MORE than other while seeking for value through Comparison Games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow Money to judge myself and others as Worthy/Cheap, through giving up my own self responsibility of myself as self directive principle that decides that All have the same Worth and Value as Life and that Money MUST become a Tool to support the Equal Life we All Share

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since Money is too big a topic, I cannot take the Money system on but I have to lie down and accept that the only way to get my Value/Worth is through Money as the Ultimate Judge of Us All, failing to see I gave up my self responsibility so I would not have to stand up in and as The Money System and face my own self judgements and judgements of Money as the bestower of Value but I could blame Money for having taken this role while I just obeyed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Creation to the point that I am still unable to see how it is that I have originally manifested Money as the Tool that decides over and above Life and that I now see that I will have to walk myself backward into my own acceptances and allowances of Money as the Worth/Cheapening Tool of existence to undo what was done through first equalizing myself to Money and no longer have Money be more than me/others, One and Equal, and then walk as Money as the Correction to Equality for All, where Life returns to be the Only real Value and Capital of this World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the points that came up in my life to show me how deep the Money entanglement went within me, moving through all my relationships within one form or another, deciding which jobs I should do or go for, and who I should be to get those jobs who were designed for specific Characters, and not seeing or realizing that each Character Impersonation was a trade off on the Money Stock Exchange, where the stock is live stock as Us as the Flesh we all Share Equally and have given up to the Money System for Survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Money is the ultimate goal that we must all shoot for to prove who we are and who we have been and what we have done with our lives of Value/Worth, failing to see that believing that Worth and Value lies in the Money we have piled up is one of the silent acceptances of this Money System as the Worth/Value bestower on Life that has ended up putting Money above Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if one has Money, then everything is fine, accepting and allowing myself to believe that Money can buy my way out of trouble, out of my responsibilities, out of my humanity that I sell out so I can build the fake safety net of Money, that anyway lets me down at death since Money or No Money we all DIE the same

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the beliefs of this Consumerist/Capitalistic system, that teaches that we are just NOT born all the same and that some are more valuable by Birth and their lives are MORE precious, which we should be able to see by the fact that we allow almost 1 bil people to starve every day, accepting and allowing the opinion that their lives are LESS important than ours or we would be taking to the streets screaming murder, while instead we make sure to toe the line because the starvers stand as the example of what could happen to us if we were in fact cut out of the Money making world and it would then be our turn to become the invisible worthless lives that the rest won't mind to waste

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pacify myself with the point that 'The poor have always existed and always will', failing to see that this reply is not in any way common sensical, because if they have always existed for sure, we would at one point in time addressed the issue of WHY they always existed and what and where was the problem of this system of Inequality, and not just pass on the knowledge and information about their existence as 'the way things are' and that failing to look for a solution for the common good of humanity spells out clearly WHO WE ARE, and what we have always been as the de-humanized humanity that went Spiritual because going Physical in addressing the Physical points that need resolution always seemed harder than flying off in our heads, where we could pretend to be busy building solutions based on Love to cover up our FEAR of this existence and what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that if I felt diminished by the word 'CHEAP' without living a cheap life in the sense that I always had a roof over my head and food in my plate, what would others who in fact are living the CHEAP life as in homeless and starving be going through, and still make my experience of a word and what I charged it with, in terms of energy and fears, be more important than looking for a solution to erase the cheapness of this world as in suffering and starvation returning to each Life the dignity of Equality as in Equal Worth and Equal Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my own self hatred for 'turning the other cheek', for looking for ways to justify why it is OK to accept such a world just because everyone is and no one seems bothered about solutions but just about studying and measuring the problem, such as Economists, while people die and live in suffering in and as The Physical and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I hated myself for not standing up for Life as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word cheap with a negative charge and the word worthy/valuable/value with a positive charge, borrowing this imaginary charge from the Money System, that defines worth and value as good and unworthy and cheap as BAD, so we will keep striving to get MORE to finally access our value as positive, as GOOD, and keep participating in this senseless game called Capitalism, failing to see we have fucked each other Royally just so we could believe to be more as some were kept in and as 'the less' within an Imaginary Value/Worth system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own judgement day, which is everyday, as I hold myself hostage of beliefs, ideas and Opinions about Money and the Money System, so as to not have to Change as I see Change implies some parts of me will have to die, infact all of me has to go, as my perception of 'ME' in separation from everything and everyone in my search for 'Happiness'/Money as value/worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this Money point has to change externally before Humanity can change, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am One of the Money Points Holder and that when I let go the Hold there is One point less holding the Money system in place and that the More of us let go of Money as the Money Holders the less points Money as the entity it has become will have to suck energy from us as Life for its own sustainance as a system with a life of its own, because it never in fact had a life of its own, it had OUR lives tied in and entangled around its fingers through our own choice that we have not been aware of how we made, having taken it on from knowledge and information passed on from generation to generation as the ONLY choice without seeing and realizing it was NOT the only choice, but the accepted and allowed choice to keep this system running as it is and never challenge it's soundness or common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what will happen if we all let go of the Money point as clearly that means we will have to become self responsible for this world and that we will no longer be able to give up our self responsibility to Money for what goes on, which is one of the reasons WHY we let Money take the driving seat in the first place as our excuse to abdicate our self responsibility to each other and The World as Us in the first place

I commit myself to stop my existence as one of the Money Holder as in One that Keeps the Money system in place, by investigating ALL my Money related reactions, fears and attachments until no words that are Money related as Value/Valuable Cheap/Cheapened Worth/Worthy Price/Prize have holds on me through my own assigned energetic charges within a polarity system

I commit myself to stop investing value as positive charges in words that are resonantly positively Money related and to stop investing of a negative charge words that are negatively Money related, within the polarity of lack, as I see realize and understand it was always me deciding and assigning charges to words and that words carry the burdens of my investments until I stop and take all investments back to myself ,stopping the separation from myself and words and from myself as words

I commit myself to stop dividing the world in Money/Not Money whatever name I give to define these 2 polarity points, as it is in the giving the Have MONEY polarity more value then the Have NOT  MONEY polarity that I give and cast my vote to have some Lives be more important than others Within the Characters that we play, and this is how we end up with some Characters living the MORE life, through our own individual votes within the Mind Consciousness System as More and Worthier than Other Lives, that become LESS, in relation to Money and the voted in place Money-God

I commit myself to stop my fears of lack of Money as this is at the root of any Money desire, the fear of worth-less-ness within an internally accepted and allowed Money System of Worth and Value and to disengage myself consistently from Money as Worth/Value until I no longer stand as the self surrendered captive to the Money World but I can stand as what is best for me a What is Best for All for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.

Day 103: 'Don't Call me Cheap' Character

Back to the 'apparently menial'.

My mum spent two days here, she has predictably moved into the 'You are about to go away again ' Character, 'Let's spend more time together' Character and I moved into the ''OK' Character, as a way to just go with the flow while she is here.

So tonight I was not going to write, I am tired, yet after reading the Giving Up Character Chat, I saw the whole movement, nice inviting picture presentation of an alternative to writing, desire to comply and then putting my foot down for writing because I am the One that decides.

In these 2 days an event took place twice, the same event, menial, about me feeling embarrassed when my mum checks the bill at the supermarket, it's cheap, I used to never check the bill, I was above checking the bill, but yesterday within my 'OK ' Character when she found out a mistake I went and told the lady at the cashier that there was in fact a 1 euro mistake, it felt embarrassing, I kinda hated it, just for 1 euro, the losing face point.

Today I went to buy water alone at the little Chinese supermarket, when she gave me the bill there was 2 euros discrepancy (:) better stop the exponentiality of the pattern at 2 euro, considering I am evaluating going back to business and this pattern will fuck with me royally), she made a mistake, it was clear to me without looking at the bill and so I told her, walked through the embarrassment and she corrected the bill.

The point is menial both about 1 euro and then 2 euro, it is not about the money I saved, it is about how I perceived this experience and myself within it and why I hate to speak up about a bill being wrong when it's just not been added right, it is because I fear coming out as cheap, 'all this trouble for 1/2 euros', I get my 'life read for 1/2 euros', so I went back in time within my mind and I saw that this fear is one of the product of my schizophrenia as the 'poor daughter' and the 'rich granddaughter's' Characters, as I wanted and desired to be the rich granddaughter and not the poor daughter, I wanted to copy and be like grandma who would not have checked the bills because 'she was not cheap', while in truth she just feared to be called cheap as she herself was NOT born rich, where cheapness can be shamelessly displayed because there is Money to back up someone's value/Character, only the poor, the ones that have made money just enough to get out of the survival game, no longer want to be associated with 'cheap', as in 'cheap' lie less chances to survive, to be able to care for oneself, and because 'cheap' means less valuable, someone cheap is less valuable that someone who is not.

So I fear to be cheap, to be judged as cheap, to judge myself as cheap, because if I am Cheap, if I do care about the 1/2 euro here and there it means I don't have enough money to play in the big league, that I am restrained and contained in my movements by my 'Money/Worth' and it shows the extent to which We have not only abdicated our power to Money, but Our Worth, Each Other's Worth, while we look for signs of who is Worthy within the world through the Money/Worth display of Wealth/Worth and discard every one else that can not and won't be a good investment for ourselves as the potential for Money lending, for an access to Money, for a slice of that worth that I/we covet through Money and that I would not, could not give up until I give up my Money/Value/worth perception.

Money is what we have become, we must get it, because when we do, when we see the extent in which everything we do and involve ourselves with is Money tied, than the point of Giving to everyone Equally will be the consequential step, as no one should be defined by Money as Value/Worth, and no one should live in fear of being Worthless because they are Cheap out of the condition they find themselves in.

I judged my mum as cheap when she did what I did not dare to do, coming out in the open to say that I see and realize that Money moves the world, and I will look after that 1/2 euro because it is my responsibility to take care of me and not others' responsibility to take care of me, and that I am not defined by the fact that I check a bill to see if it was added right or because I speak up to say 'you are overcharging me' as I see this world keeps running this way because when we the poor are afraid to look poor, to say I am poor, I don't have access to the Money Game, because if we do we are 'Cheap' and less valuable than others and so we fall for the fear of our own self judgement of our worthlessness instead of disengaging from the Money System as a System of Worth/Value once and for all.

None of us should ever be defined by Money, we made a mistake, took about a million wrong turns, let's out the fear to stand up and speak up, No Life is Cheap, Money makes it cheap when we accept and allow Money to become the Value Tool of existence in the name of Profit and Self Interest, yet we can return Money to its place, as a Tool for Equal Support and make Life the Value of the Earth that we abdicated when we believed that some Lives are worthier than others and some are cheaper, in fact so cheap, that we can trash them on our way out of the perceived Cheapness of Ourselves.

Will follow up tomorrow with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements.