Monday, June 4, 2012

Day 52: The Price of Inequality

I have been walking this point of Gender Inequality for some time now because I see it has been one of my favourite friction points that I have used to make myself feel more than men, while all the while fearing to be less, less in everything, included worth, just by birth.

For a couple of days I have been seeing a realization coming up about my beliefs of being a seductress and thus having All The Blame, in what went on between me and men, basically NOT giving them Equal Responsibility for our Relationships.
Funny because while I felt bad about it, I also felt MORE than them, first because I had the power to create such mess All By Myself and then because I was willing to take All The Blame.
What I missed about all this anger that I have carried for so many years against men about Them Always Having It Easy from Cradle to Grave and how we had to fight for Equality, was that this fight was only going on within and as myself, having accepted and allowed the beliefs of my culture about women vs men to become me, imprinting myself with the knowledge of our inferiority in everything from strength to wages (which was the biggest pisser), just to then turn into a Feminist in Garters, to show them who was Boss, through the Game of Sex and Seduction, ironic how I believed I was in charge of THAT at least !
The price of this was, that since I had become unwilling to give Men Equality within relationships in my balancing act attempting to not be squashed by the gender stereotype, where I had to be Boss, I ended up not even giving them the Equal responsibility of our mess ups.

You can't have your cake and eat it, want to be Boss ? Then it's all Your Responsibility, or you can become an Equal, and share the power and the responsibility.

It is the same in our world, we either stop to be more than others to become Equals or we have to pay the Price of our Choice, carry it all, the Blame and the Responsibility, instead of standing as Life One and Equal, sharing the World and our responsibility to ourselves and What is best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for our gender inequalities, instead of seeing we are both born out of a system that designed us to play specific gender roles and no one is faulty or blamable but both responsible for standing in and as the Change to equalize ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men and their power that I have believed to be greater than the power of women, instead of seeing I am always responsible for the dis-placement of my power outside of myself in separation from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pride in having fucked men around, because I saw this pride trait in men and I associated it with the greater power I believed they had over women, and  copycatted them to be like them, greater than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make men suffer for the faults of all men in the history of mankind and what they did against women, Instead of seeing the point of self responsibility and how since the beginning of time we have given it our power away within and as the 'idea and belief of the Stronger Man'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for all my gender play outs, instead of seeing I have been acting out my predesigned life and the stance I took within the role and design I accepted and allowed myself to play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for the role they played within the world system, instead of seeing both genders as the twisted design born out of separation into inequalities and fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use men as my main point of friction, in which I would get a feeling of a high in and when I could 'beat them' within words to make myself feel more while I participated endlessly within the inferiority and superiority construct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that I could never get what I was not willing to give and that not giving men Equal responsibility for our mutual fuck ups was my desire to not recognize their Equality to me and therefore I have never got to experience Equality within my relationship with Men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Blame men for the Inequality I believed existed due to their having been born in a situation/position of privilege, instead of realizing that it was the Equality that I was not willing to share within our responsibility for the way our Relationships turned out that led me to experience Inequality at every level of every relationship with men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my issues of Inequality outside on the easy target of gender, instead of seeing I was living Inequality as me, within me and that I would never be able to experience what I was not giving to myself first as Self as One and Equal

I commit myself to walk the giving of everything I perceive I lack to myself first and foremost, to bring myself into Equality and Oneness with myself as Self as One and Equal, Stopping all the Blame for what I am not experiencing on the outside, because anything that I am not yet living or experiencing is because I have not yet given it to myself, as One as Equal, As Life and everything that exists.


  1. Cool realizations. Thanks for walking and sharing Eleonora!

  2. Yep, cool realizations, thanks Eleonora!