Day 94: The Fearful Business Woman

Since I have considered selling this house, new business opportunity have come up for me to evaluate and consider.

Interesting because I don't have yet the Money in my pocket, yet the idea that I can soon or later get this money opens up a new world of choices.

Which is a point to consider when we insist that we live in a world of Free Choice without wanting to consider or admit that free Choice is related to how much Money one has in his/her pocket to buy The Choices they wish to participate in.

In this instance I saw that there is a Character that I have played in my Life relative to business, and that is The Fearful Business Woman, of course like all my Characters this one has a Cover Up too, which is the one that I have used to move within the business world, which is the Fear-less business woman, yet what I did with my fears I have just hid them and suppressed them and ended up living out my Fears within employments where I did not want to take the lead because the Fear that something might go had the best of me.

Instead I blamed men for having the positions of responsibility that went with the Money, even though when in my last job the day before I left the owner called me and told me he would double my already generous wage and give me full benefits I said NO, proud to be eating bread and pride, while I covered up the point that I did not want to step up to 'such a wage' because if I did, what if something went wrong under my watch ?

These days I have been looking into a project in Shanghai, a lady that went there since '98 brought to me a project to view and evaluate, I wrote out the feasibility study and realized all the points she had missed out and I had to discard the idea of cooperating in a partnership.

Which is one of the point of my Fearful Business woman character, I am always seeking for a partner in business, I fear taking the quantum leap into business by myself even though I know that I know what to do and how to do it, yet, the fear of being Alone in a business venture, with no one to share the Blame with if things go wrong is a point I have never faced and so I kept myself stuck into looking for partnerships that show me that I can do the job, STOP IT, just get on with it and when I write or research or put down projects, this Character is never there, it is within the backchat that arise when I put down the pen of me as practical physical application that I torment myself with doubts and remarks about 'who do you think you are' and 'if it was such a good idea someone else would have done it already', basically I trash myself around until I tremble at the idea of taking a road that I have clearly laid out for myself and that I know I could easily take all the way into a successful business venture...but what if I cant ?

Today as I walked I saw as well that it has to do with how I have lived my life, the 'Going with the Flow' Character vs the "I am the One Who decides", I am not yet familiar with Decisions vs Flows, I stand on the bridge of life living for me or me living, standing making a decision and then live it out beyond My Fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I can do what I know I can do because I am a woman and women who are good business people are very rare and why should I be one of them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to all the people that tell me that business is difficult and complicated when I have been part of a few start ups and saw that there is nothing difficult or complicated but it requires the consistency of applying oneself into well laid out directions and keep moving and that these things are said to discourage people from moving into the Money System where there isn't enough for everybody and everyone fears everyone entering the Money game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that men are always in positions of responsibility/in charge so I then had to live out this belief and be the one not in charge because I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need a Master in formal education to carry out a business successfully even though most of my successful bosses showed me that this is not true, but I discounted this point and justified it with the fact that for me it was different, because they were men and I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman must be twice as good and work twice as hard as a man, failing to see that holding such believes would only spur Competition within me to show the men that I was twice as good and worked twice as hard, while they left the office at 5 pm and I hated them for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated the men who were above me that got away with half of my workload, without seeing and realizing I was the one who said that I should be twice as good equaling work twice as hard and I was just living out my own accepted and allowed script and belief

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for working twice as hard for half of the wage of men who were on top of me without having my own 'merits' which were to work twice as hard for half the pay

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated men in business instead of seeing and realizing I hated myself because I secretly coveted having the position on top but I was too scared to go and get it, so I made up stories about the point that it was impossible for me to get it because, let's face it' I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving into the business world by myself because I am a woman and I believed it would be best for me to have a partner, even though my grandma who was a head accountant always said that the only successful partnerships she saw were in odd number and below 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of when I failed a business when I was 21 with my best male friend that led me to lose the friendship for a few years, have to pay taxes for 2 years after closing down the company and to have to go to work as a governess in the house of rich people because I had a mortgage to repay and my mum thought that was my best option

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when I failed at a business at 21 to believe that since I was 'not good or had shown that I did not have it in me to make sound decisions for myself' that I should go back to being told what to do by my mum because she showed that she survived in the system longer than me, which proved 'she knew what she was doing and was in charge'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because I worked at cleaning houses for 1 year to pay back my mortgage and keep my mother happy until I got tired, dismissed myself, disappeared and went below radar to not have to listen to my mother's nagging, put an ad in the newspaper and was offered 3 jobs just because I stood up, made a decision and went and lived it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when money was involved and some or all of it came from my mum I would have to give up all my rights, included a right to a dignified life, not seeing and realizing that I played out within the family system what the money system plays out in the macro, where everyone is supposed to give up their rights to a dignified life just because of Money, and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed this 'rule' within the micro family system of my life that then played out in the macro system within the world systems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come back to Italy and revert back into a belief of my incompetence because my mum flashes to me the memory of when I was 21 and I failed in a business endeavour, blaming her for the flashing instead of taking responsibility for myself and for the memory of me that we share, clean up the memory as a 'failed business woman' and move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mum to remind me of when I failed at a business venture at 21 as a way to keep myself locked into a sense of powerlessness and failure, so I won't have to venture out in the world and finally do what I enjoy doing, which is the set up and organization of a successful business, which I have done through the years in my life abroad, but away from my mother's eyes who never got a chance to upgrade her picture of me as a 'failed business woman' that I still conveniently use so as to not have to venture out into the world by myself, make decisions and make things happen

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I prefer to have someone above me to tell me what to do, so they have all the business risks, while I get the risk free life, without seeing and realizing that there are risks only when I move with the flow of which I am in fact not in control or in charge because I have not ever directed the flow, nor it is possible to, as the flow is taking the lead from my Mind who has shown to not be stable or sound in any way,  and that I should step out of the flow of and as the Mind and stand as the directive principle of myself to make myself effective in the business world because this is what I am good at, so I can get back into the system and start making money for myself and What is Best for All that I can support more effectively when making money than when I struggle with doubts and fears about myself and my future which keep me paralyzed and not living the life I want to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to pick and choose a business that is not abusive, which is just not possible within this system and is one of the point that I have used to not do anything at all while I waited for the perfect business opportunity to turn up, such as a humanitarian job or a no profit organization, failing to see that it is my judgement that I have expressed or thought about when I woke up and met Desteni and misunderstood much of the message as stop all abuses as if it was something that I could stop by stopping my participation in and as the system that we have become, failing to see that this is impossible at the moment and that I have to do what I have to do to make the money we need to bring this change about and that anything that stands between myself and doing what is best for all out of morality issues or my own judgements, ideas and opinions, I will weed it out until I stand stable and move effectively within this system of abuse from the inside to change the system as myself and What is best for All and stop all abuses for good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have 'morality issues' and judgements about some jobs versus others, and for judging my idea about wines because I have realized that alcohol is not supportive to the body and so instead of standing as myself doing what is best for me as the body and what is best for all within the system, while I accept that for now people do drink wine and it is not for me to judge but to see which opportunities are available and where I can move effectively and then move, I have used a point of morality and allowed it to stand in the way between me and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I move into the wine business I am bad, because alcohol is bad and it should be banned, yet at the moment within this system of abuse alcohol is part of the play and I either play where I see opportunities to play or I can be self righteous and ineffective, so what is it going to be ? I decide to be effective as it is not to judge any part of the system but to change myself as the system and then the system overall until everything is aligned to what is best for all and if by then we decide to ban alcohol it will be banned but everyone will have their livelihood secured, including the people in the alcohol business at the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my fear behind my self righteous stand about what to do with my life, instead of saying, yes i have a fear of fucking up, so I can then remind myself that fear is NOT real and that I either believe it and succumb to it or I move through the fear once I have done my research and found my niche and then stand through my decision until I am effective about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that 'if it was such a good idea someone else would have done it' just because I heard this sentence many times, yet it's proven that people who actually went and did things that were already in the air and talked about have just moved effectively through their fears until they did what they set themselves out to do, without listening to the fears of others that then become my/their fears, because we can see we live in a frightened world, and the blind cannot lead anyone out of the Mind of Fear into the safety of the Physical Here but it is a journey each one of us will have to walk by ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that when the question 'who do you think you are?' pops up, I have to find a good reply to define me, which is in fact what limits me into just one expression of myself to which I crucify myself through the desire of overcoming my fear of not knowing Who I am, instead of just seeing, I am the One who decides and keep moving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am arrogant and feel uncomfortable when I say or think "I am the One WHO decides' because the backchat start from there to show myself ALL the times in which I decided a good 'fuck all', or so it seems, while I can see I have decided it all through my acceptances and allowances, and that once I see this point clearly and see that I am responsible for everything that I lived throughout my life, then I am in fact the One Who decides, as I have seen that I was always the One who Decided, I just have to stop believing that life 'happened to me' and see that I happened to live, not consciously but still I was the One Who decided, even when I decided I was the One who would Fail and fuck it up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless in the face of my life, when I did not understand or saw how my life was happening to me and within this powerlessness having accepted and allowed myself to believe what Forrest Gump said that "Life is like a box of Chocolate and You never know what you are gonna get' because this quote and similar highlight the point that we are in fact NOT in power and that at best we have to learn to accept what we are going to get, instead of seeing and realizing we got what we put in and created ourselves either through acceptances and allowances or by direct participation, yet we were always the Ones that decided

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was NOT the One who decided, so I would NOT have to take responsibility for my Life, failing to see that it is only through self responsibility that we realize we were always the Ones that decided and then we can live in alignment with I am the One Who decides as self responsible aware Human beings


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the One Who decides and for believing this fear to be real and who I really am, failing to see I am not my fears, unless I decide I am, because I am the One who decides and I decide to no longer live in and as Fear, Fear is NOT who I am


I commit myself to stop living the Character of the Fearful Business Woman and instead evaluate all points of a business, see the pros and cons of each possibility and niche, make a decision and walk my decision to completion


I commit myself to stop believing that once a failure always a failure, because I held myself hostage with a picture of myself failing at 21 and then having to go as a cleaner to keep up the gynormous mortage my mum suggested I signed, to give less interest to the banks' even though my mortage was 60% of my wage and with my mortage I signed up and away a potential for a life of misery and sacriices according to what my mum believe was 'the best thing to do'


I commit myself to stop allowing other people's opinion to affect me and my business plans /project, as I remind myself that every Opinion belongs to a Character, so I can either make up an Opinion to explain myself, which I commit myself to no longer do,while I commit myself to just walk myself into the script that I carefully lay out for myself and What is best for All


I commit myself to stop believing that a man has more chances in the business world, because this is just an Opinion and has no real relevance in the business world I have been a part of where many capable women are in charge of large businesses and nobody seems to mind their gender (except me when I am in Character and I want to give 'my Opinion')


I commit myself to place myself effectively within the World System, to ensure that I can at the best of my ability provide for myself and What is best for All, as I see realize and understand that I can play the role of the bread winner and that if I do not I am just giving up on myself and What is best for All and I commit myself to NOT DO THIS, to not give up on myself as What is best for ALL, but to keep walking my projects into completion to make money and contribute effectively to The Equal Money System project


I commit myself to breathe through My Fears of not being effective, as I see, realize and understand that I have always been effective when I have set myself to be effective and that the backchat and comments is something I can breathe through, until I stand stable in and as the decisions I make for myself and What is Best for All