Day 113: 'Give me the Love Saber and I will Change the World' Character

I had NOT consciously connected Love to Fear until recently through the investigation in Self Honesty of what emotions/feelings are and how they are connected within me as the experience of the word Love, at least not in/as awareness.

How I moved from Love as Fear to the 'Idea and BeLief' that Love could Change the World, is pretty unfathomable since fear cannot Change the World, this seems clear NOW, but at the time I only saw, or wanted to see the Power of Love, it was indeed a power to reckon with, It was Clear, if you spoke the 'L' word others would freeze, it was the Ace of Hearts, the Axe of Hearts, no one dared to look at it in Self Honesty and so the LOVE word would connect all of us to Fear and in Fear we would bow and submit, to each other and this 'Loving System'.

Saying to my friends 'I love You' became easy, I prided myself at how easy I could display my feelings, lying to myself about the fact that speaking the Love words made me vulnerable, because when the other knows about my Love, they can harm me, take advantage of me.

The amazing twist to this story is that the speaking the Love word was already the Harm, The Abuse, as I armed myself to not be confronted any more, hei come on, I spoke the Love word, anything you say after that that doesn't respond in Kind makes You Evil, can't you see, I'm All Loving Here, why are you hurting Me/intending to Hurt Me/Thinking about hurting Me ? What's wrong with YOU ?

So, the best place to take my Love practices would be the Love and Light playground, the disadvantage was that we played with even weapons as we were All brandishing the Love and Light Saber, yet the common playground allowed a sense of superiority, the having married a Higher Cause, BeCause Now I am gonna hit you right in the chest with the Light (and Love) and My Brothers in Arms will back me Up.

All for One and One for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the word Love as a weapon to instigate and pass on my Fears to Other beings and myself, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the dis-ease of the word 'Love- that my body manifested every time I heard it or spoke it, as a bunch of Fears would be summoned up and then suppressed as I pushed them down with Love and blinded myself with Light

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scheme the whens and hows to throw the Love word, as I unconsciously perceived the Power of it and would not waste it by throwing it around but would deliberately wait for the best time to use it for maximum effect and impact as I preyed on the Ones I wanted to Hook to me or have credits toward to ensure my Survival and Safeness within the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word Love with a positive Charge so that I could get the positive experience of myself within the word 'Love' as I spoke it or thought about it, regardless of the hints of dis-comfort that my body gave me with regard to this word that I was not able to identify as Fear or that I was not willing to identify as Fear, because it seemed the Last Word left that could possibly/potentially dispel All Fears and I did not want to give it up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when I spoke the Love word to someone and they did not return the favor so I would not be able to feel 'loved back' and I perceived myself as left in a waiting state to be validated as lovable and therefore valuable, instead of realizing I was waiting for myself to embrace myself unconditionally and Love in Waiting was my diversion to busy myself and not give myself what I sought outside of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being told 'I love you' because as I used this word to enslave and bend others to my desires and self interest, I feared what They had in mind that I may not have seen coming before they spoke the word Love, but that was now declared and out in the open as the point that they had an agenda too (and how disappointing that was) and that I had overlooked that point and was forced to see that I was just as much used as I wanted to use another with the Love Manipulation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if a woman spoke the Love word before than a Man within a relationship she exposed herself to being ridiculed and to showing her weakness as in the 'need to be loved for worth/value/validation', instead of realizing that men feared/fear this word just as much as we do, as the word Love is a declaration of both ownership and a credit that is now set on the table to be repaid that I myself hated for its unspoken load and then projected the hate for this word in separation from myself as the 'I saw You and what you were about to do' onto others' perceived manipulation/attempted manipulation of me, which was just the projection of my hidden intentions within the use of the word Love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to join the Love and Light brigade in a hope that if it were a bunch of us fuckers who were overtly/covertly manipulating people with the word Love, then it would be OK to do so, because together we could pretend better and when called out we could just stand and shout 'One for All, All for One' and call on our Brothers in Arms to stand up for the Case of Love as Goodness against the Forces of Evil as the Truth of what Love Really Is as FEAR

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put a sticker on my wall declaring and defining myself as a LightWorker, meaning that I was a Loving person, not to be feared as I worked for the Light and not the darkness of the Planet, failing to see how I supported both constructs as the Light and the Dark of existence, the Good I wished for and the Evil within myself that I feared and hoped to delete with Light and Love and that if I could con-vince others of my LightHood and LoveHood status maybe I could believe it myself and STOP fearing myself and others as a reflection of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear The Darkness of Me, wherein I defined as Darkness everything that was NOT of Love and Light, which was everything that was fearful and scary, which would have been most of my thoughts and the manipulative Characters that I played and that I did not want to own up to, as I wished to en-Light-en myself to move away, get over my Darkness so I could take a Breath and stop fearing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and to fear myself as Darkness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fail to See that what I feared and was running from was myself, as I could not, did not want to face the Darkness of what I planned and schemed to always be on top AND looking good within the lies of Love and Light, and that I was willing to give up the whole of Me as the Darkness of Me to keep up the Happy Lie of Love and Light and the absence of myself as Self Responsibility for myself and existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be told 'I Love You' even when I feared the Love Word for the manipulative implications of it, just to believe that the other was Good too, or seeking to be Good, or denying his/her own Darkness at least as much as I was, so together we could walk The Lie, pretending to be Good, denying to be Bad, being none the Good and the Bad but having to live with the damnation of the confinements of the Words we spoke and charged with positivity/negativity about ourselves and others, based on imprinting, morality, environmental definitions that we then went out and lived out and believed to be Who We Really Are, until we became them through and through and within this I forgive myself for forsaking The Truth of me for the LIE/Light of Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy and paste the use of Love from my family into the world, spreading the Fear that lives within and as the word Love by our own design, becoming the accomplished accomplish of this Crime against Life that Fear has been and become, being the Fear Monger of myself and existence Equal and One, and for this never ending Fear Mongering  Past I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live The Fear of Myself as the Fear of the World, projecting outside of me the Fear of Me, participating into turning this world into a fearful scary place in which everyone is out for themselves too busy with Survival to come back o the Equal Physical reality that we share to address the world and what needs to be changed within and without, to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word Darkness to Bad and to Fear and through my own De-finition and the acceptance and allowance of others' definition of the word 'Darkness' I ended up fearing Darkness itself, not wanting to get close to the Darkness of Me as something that is unknown and possibly not nice, without realizing and understanding that as Darkness is my Greatest Fear, it came before me, as the Add-vice, to Never Switch Off the Light, or we may incidentally see and realize the Darkness of ourselves as ourselves, that Home was always HERE and WE had been the wanderer of the Light Show and the Ones that decided before to wander off ,and we can decide NOW to Stop the Show and return all the Light as Energy back to the Earth, and Ourselves back to Darkness, Darkness as the Equality and Oneness of ourselves as Life in and as Breath, to put an end to the Separation and the Damn-Nation of Ourselves as The Puzzle of Existence we believe we have become and FEAR.

Where are the Cookies ? :)

Self commitment statements to STOP the existence of Me as a "Loving Person - Character" to Follow

Day 44: For-Giving The Seductress in/as Me

I realized that within me be-lieving to be a 'Seductress' there is a point of value and a belief that men are indeed stupid and not Equal, that women can seduce them while they are foolishly following the lead, the hook, instead of recognizing the Equality of the games we play where I enjoy thinking I seduce them as a point of power/worth while they enjoy thinking that they seduced me as a point of power/worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was all my doing what happened between me and men instead of seeing they are equally participating in the seduction game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to carry the fault/blame for myself as a point of value because within that blame/fault I make myself more powerful than men and turn them into fools at my mercy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for the personality play of the seductress because within that blame there was 'my power to seduce', making myself more than men within the seduction game and finding value/worth for myself within being more

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see the Equality of the Games we play because then I would have to feel as duped as the super duper I like to believe I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and judge myself as the sole participant of the seduction game, in which I found my power and value, being 'more evil' than men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men and the games they play as much as I feared myself and the games I played

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if a man plays his game well I will be duped and won't be able to say NO, because within the games men play there is the game of giving me value and 'making me feel special' since I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm worthless, I fear I cannot resist the value game 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that when someone 'makes me feel special' I can't resist their attention as I have accepted and allowed to build myself into a value/worth seeking machine while I separated myself from Self as Self Worth and Self Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men instead of seeing I was fearing myself and what I was willing to do in my search for worth and value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn my fear of men, which was the fear of myself,  into a desire to belittle them so I can feel in charge and in control and less vulnerable to the value/worth game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since my worth lies into being attractive for men I have to fear my not being attractive to them and it's better to fatten myself up and put myself aside of the game instead of seeing I am facing the fear of aging and not having the same pulling power and feedback from men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear aging as a point in which I will lose my ability to pull and manipulate men to me, instead of seeing I was never the one who pulled men but I was a loser in the moment I stepped into the worth/value games as seduction, we both play equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe 'I could have any man I wanted' without realizing that within the current system pretty much any woman can, as SEX is the name of the Game and it's not personal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special, because within that specialness I found my worth and value given that if I am special I am above and beyond other women and I have won the game of comparison and competition for the prize which is sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make SEX into the Price/prize I have to pay for playing the seduction game as a way to give myself worth/value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that SEX is something I have to give in return for the 'devotion' men show to me which is nothing more than their desire to have sex, because Sex was The Design and The Price/prize we were both after

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for the sex I have had as a way to payback and lever the expectations I built in men through my seduction games because I turned seduction into a promise that would have to be paid back when the games I participated in were creating 'too much credits'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for the seduction games in which I participated instead of seeing I have designed myself to be seductive as a way to survive within this world in fear that if I couldn't 'promise' sex as a way of life as who I am, my life would not be safe, and I would not have access to the world system in which the name of the game is Sex/Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use 'the promise of sex' as a compensation for the money I lacked, because since I did not have enough money/debts to consider myself 'safe' in the world I could accumulate sex/debts, without seeing that both money and sex debts are called to be paid back and I ended up feeling and seeing myself as the eternal debtor inside the world system of money/sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in and as the Debt System of this world, hoping to create Credits through my seduction and promises for Sex, instead of seeing I was accumulating debts, through my own Self Judgements and Fears, supporting and allowing the existence of a system of Debts One and Equal to Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live and exist as Debt/Debts, I now For-Give my debts and the debts of the Ones around me regarding Sex and the Seduction games I/We played, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the existence of the current Money System of Debts because I myself existed in and as Debt, instead of giving what I would like to receive to myself and others, The For-Giveness of All Debts for a world that is What is Best for me and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the Seductress Personality, I stop, Breathe, look at why I am fearing that moment as a moment that needs my leverage as 'Seduction', Breathe, remind myself that I am Worth as Self Worth Here in Breath and that there is nothing I can gain from playing Energy/power/value games but Debts, because the Energy system is designed in and as a Debt System, and I can only STOP playing or accumulate Debts as there is no way to Win within a system of Debts, so I stop my participation in and as Debt to stop the creation of and as Debts of this world, One and Equal to Me

I commit myself to bring myself back Here with consistency, through Breath, leading myself out of my Mind consistently with patience as my Mind has been my only abode for my whole Life and I see that I fear leaving me as the Mind behind, yet I see that Fear is Not Real and just the way my Mind is resisting to be left behind, so I commit myself to become familiar with Life not in and as The Mind but Here in and as The Physical, where No debts are Created, but Breaths of and as Life are accumulated for myself and all of existence Equal and One