Day 273: Scaring Others for "Their Own Good" - Character

A few days ago something happened in which I moved deliberately to 'scare another for their own good'. It was he result of a reaction and as such for sure a Character, for a while I justified myself that I had good reasons to do that because I was doing it 'for their own good when in Fact, when is it ever a good reason to scare someone to make them do something that I have concluded and judged to be for their own good?

During one of our chats, when someone asked, 'what should I tell my mother about death?', the answer was 'tell her to not be afraid of death', in which a quiet backchat went 'why, shouldn't we scare EVERYONE with Death so They Change? - I am scared myself!'. Frightening.

Isn't this what we have done to each other so far, using Death to manipulate the lives of the apparent living ones, using Fear to move and motivate.

I am ashamed of myself.

Obviously being ourselves the product of people who used specific triggers to get us to 'do something' that they deemed to be 'best for us', we cannot but predictably have picked up on the tools they have used.

Where else would we learn how to maneuver this world to our advantage?


The Problem

The problem with this specific trait is that I keep spreading this sickening Fear that has turned the world into what it is today, as the documentary "Human resource - Engineering Humans for the 21st century" states 'The driving force of this world is Not Love, it's FEAR", and I participate in keeping it alive in others, even wishing that we would use it as a group weapon 'scare them to death', fuck, that's sad, we are already doing that, we have to do something else for this world as myself to change.

The Solution

The solution is to go and dig inside myself to see how I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed to be moved by Fear and in turn to use it a tool against others, because I could and because I could always justify it with the same lines that were given to me "I'm doing this for your own good, DEAR', when in fact I am doing it for my own good, to make sure that people align to either one of my expectation/desire/opinion whatever it is that I want to achieve. So I have to dig out of myself the original microchips and delete them and replace them with a new script that I can walk whenever I find myself faced again with the 'about to scare Youuuuu' program.

The Reward

I can stand as a point that no longer spreads Fear into others for my own personal wants and needs

I can create more compassionate relationships as I would have liked others to have with me

I will be able to not experience shame for what I see and realize that I am doing as I step into this automated behavior

I won't need to come up with improbable excuses and justifications about why, really, I was doing it for their own good, because that is just crap and totally self dishonest

I won't have to experience regret for having done again that thing I do for the 'good of another'

I can change, this trait of myself is not what is best for All and it has no reason to exist or myself exist one and equal to it.

Tomorrow I will follow up with Self Forgiveness walking this Character in detail

Related articles

• Day 273: Trading with Death
• Day 273: An Honourable Life
• Day 248: Moving Beyond Duality - Imagination vs Reality - Fear vs Desteni
• Day 150 - Prioritizing

Day 216: The Gangster's Moll Character - Self Correction

This is a follow up to my yesterday's post 'The Gangster's Moll'.

I will walk the Fear, Thought, Imagination, Backchat/internal conversation/ Reactions (Emotions/Feelings)/ Physical Behaviour and Consequences of this Character I have created

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my environment when I was growing up and to separate myself from it within my mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear boys that gathered together in a pack because I had experienced that when boys were in a group, they were worse than when they were alone and you never knew what was coming

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to be less than boys as a result of a 'I show you mine if you show me yours moment' when I was laughed at and was not shown theirs and that left me feeling duped, stupid and inferior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if anything I desired, such as physical contact with boys, should happen, they would tell and I would have to be ashamed of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my own desires for boys and the physical contact with them due to how that contact/touch made me feel and fearing I was not allowed to feel the thrill of the touch of another because that made me "bad"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'bad' for enjoying the touch of another in the physical and for separating myself into suppressed desires in fear of my own judgement

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the boys in a group within an underlining desire that they would gather and take me, so if they did touch me I could skip the shame as it was their responsibility and fault and I had just been overpowered to do what they 'ordered' me to do

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that boys were dangerous in a pack and for filing memories with a danger label just so I could cover up my own desires to spend time with them and exploring each other physically

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a whole imaginary world around boys being BAD and dangerous, as I projected outside of myself my own self judgements of myself as being 'bad and dangerous'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, due to the imaginary world of projections I created around boys and how they were to blame for what I experienced and the desires I suppressed to spend time with them without being scolded or called a whore, to create an experience within myself of Fearing Men, when in fact what I always feared was just myself and my own self judgements

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to internalize comments about women and what a 'good woman is all about' which did not include mingling with men even though I enjoyed the presence of men around me, which led me to always be suspicious and on the defensive when I found myself around them, fearing my own reactions I believed I had no control over

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I wanted to be 'a good woman' whatever that meant, because I thought that good women had more value in the eyes of society than bad women, when in fact within this division and labeling there was just a game of blame and judgement going on, within which all women hid their own desires for the company of men but due to their own self judgement they refrained from doing what they really wanted and spent time pointing fingers at those who were more free and went for the experiences they wanted to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I didn't like men and their behaviour, simply because men were out to get what they really wanted, which was sex, which was what I also wanted but I couldn't allow myself to say so because if I did I would be a 'bad woman' and I feared I would no longer like myself then

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I kept this charade up to hide my own desires, create internal conversations to justify my view regarding the 'badness of men and their dangerous behaviour', to the point that I created fears within me regarding the men world as a result of my own dishonesty and then, as a result to the rising fears, I had to seek protection for myself against Them, and that led me to creating a Character seeking protection that developed into the full blown 'Gangster's Moll'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions of inferiority toward men as, while I was obsessed with them and their presence and I perceived myself changing around men, they seemed more relaxed as they went for what they wanted, or tried to and if they did not get it, they would leave it and go to play football, while I would be left behind within my obsessions and no one to blame them on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage in feelings of superiority as I played my Character of the woman in need of protection, as by that stage I had gotten all clues in place about how the game was played, which was to NOT give in to what I wanted and boys wanted ,which was the physical contact, but to keep them hanging, for as long as it took until the game turned into an obsession for them too, so at least while none of us had what we wanted, we both shared the shitty state of unfulfilled obsession and I was the one in charge of the game, which made me feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished when around a man because I would immediately move into evaluating him as a potential sex partner, checking if it was in any way possible that with some pleats here and there, sex could happen and within this for never giving myself a chance to get to know somebody and who they were as I allowed my desires to take over while I allowed myself to go on a merry go round in my Mind instead of being here in and as breath, sharing space with another being as one

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of Men, change as I busied myself trying to embody the perfect woman they had in their mind, so I could get their attention and once I had that, move into a position of superiority by playing the game of not giving in to the desires I myself put in their mind so I could feel strong and in charge for the sake of my Ego

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of men, as a result of my thoughts and backchat, feel excited, wondering which kind of feelings I could milk out for myself that would make me feel good about myself, without regard for the other being and what it would take for them to get off the imaginary creation I set up for them to engage in their mind for my own benefit and satisfaction

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a consequence of my projected fears and desires, create a Character as the 'Gangster's Moll' in which all my dreams came together, as  I would get to have the attention and recognition I craved in exchange for playing the 'Moll', the Doll, the Babe, the Baby, abdicating the responsibility of myself to another, my expression to another in exchange for a positive feedback that would make me feel valued and appreciated, instead of seeing where and how I had separated myself from Self Value and Self appreciation and correcting that point as me, so I could stand on my own two feet as a self responsible human being

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence to living these suppressed desires into a Character that was in fact allowed to have them and live them, separate myself from myself into a play, into a shadow of who I was and wanted to be but did not accept in the face of my self judgements and the fear of the judgements of others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create for myself the consequence of needing protection as that was what I craved as a result of accepting that I was powerless in the face of my desires for men, and then blamed these desires on them until I feared them and from this fear I birthed the need for protection, which seems like a convoluted loop but as I write it it makes much sense, and for living a life in which I projected my need of protection as a consequence of my separation from myself, I forgive myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself desiring to move into 'protection mode', to stop and breathe, see which desires I am not willing to take responsibility for and breathe through them until I release myself so to not walk into this Character of the 'helpless woman in need of protection'

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself blasted into the past, where the easiest thing to do would be to revert back to Characters that I created and I am familiar with, to stop and breathe, as I see realize and understand, I don't need anyone's protection, I need to stand in self honesty regarding what goes on inside of me so I can face it and own it as me and if it is not aligned with what is best for all, correct myself to bring myself back into alignment as I stand by my decision that whatever I desire, want or believe I need that is not what is best for me and best for all, must go, as I change myself to change this world to a place where my desires don't come before the needs of all and my needs don't come after the desires of none.

Day 80: The "I make people suffer" Character

This Character originated in childhood, when I connected my mother's emotional and feeling response to my presence and my Beingness as the cause of her suffering.

I then went on using this Character because the idea and belief that I can in fact 'make others suffer' made me feel powerful, superior and above them.

This Character has a polarity, I can make people suffer or 'Grace them' both ways I am aware of the perceived potential to affect other people emotions and feelings, both ways I get to feel more than others, either by my power to make them suffer, through clever remarks and nasty comments always concealed as 'humor' or through NOT doing so, when I clearly saw an opportunity and I willingly gave it up so I could feel good about myself for Gracing them.

The interesting thing about this Character is that since it originated from guilt and self judgement it seeks guilt and self judgement in others, as if it could level the Field somehow of its own perceived inadequacies because when everyone is finally exposed for 'who and what they are' I get to re-experience both the guilt and self judgement, but I share it with someone else, or so I perceive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the cause and the origin of my mother emotional and feeling response when I was a child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for how others perceived themselves as this led me to give away my own self responsibility for how I perceived myself and I made others responsible, faulty and guilty of what went on inside of me when around and interacting with them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the cause of my mother emotional and feeling response to me as a child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the cause of my mother's emotional and feeling response as a Child, because if I were, that would mean 'she cared for me /about me' because only those that we care about can hurt/harm us and that meant I was close to her and she was close to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that one day she would no longer be hurt by my presence or what I said would lose its impact on her, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my grip on the emotional and feeling response of my mother because that would mean she no longer cared for me/about me and that we had grown apart since I have accepted and allowed myself to associate closeness to someone to the ability to make them suffer/harm them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about seeing this point within me because this point drags along a string of moments in my Life in which I sought and desired to make someone suffer/harm them to be sure that they in fact cared for me/about me because I did not know how else to be sure about their caring for me/about me, unless they suffered in my presence if and when I decided to exercise my perceived power to make them suffer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expose and subject my partners to this game in which I sought to make them suffer/harm them through jealousy or carelessness or grudges or nasty remarks, so I could check through their emotional response if they did in fact care about me/for me, believing that I could always fix it afterward once I had my energy fix of feeling important and powerful no matter the damage or the harm I had to inflict on someone to make myself feel good and cared for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could in fact harm others by eliciting reactive responses within them as if I were the cause or the origin of their reaction, failing to see that I was only playing this game within my mind, using triggers that I had identified within them, weaknesses that were already existing as their reactive points and that did not define my ability to harm or damage someone but my ability to seek out points of reactiveness for my own self interest within their perceived diminishment of themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as BAD, for having developed such a Character that sought the suffering of others for its own validation and existence as important and all powerful, failing to see that I have been Role playing with other Characters for the purpose of moving myself into emotions and feelings so I would get to feel Alive, it didn't matter on which end of the spectrum of Good or Bad as long as the Intensity as an energetic Charge was there for me to feed on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the memory of the first time I realized my  mother's reactions were dependent on me and what I did and how I behaved, which was the first time she shouted at me exiting primary school for having been told that I 'could have done more, that I was so clever but never applying myself fully' and so I connected my not applying myself fully to a display of interest in another for me, which even if it took the form of anger and shouting was better than not being noticed or validated and confirmed that I in fact existed and was alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this memory of my mum shouting at me for the first time, in public, outside school, in a place where I could be exposed for not having been good and having pleased my mother with all the sacrifices she did to send me to a private Catholic school, that sent me into fear and shame and a feeling of a cracking inside as if I split into two, was a Reaction that connected with that moment imprinted a memory on which I built a whole Character as the 'One that makes people suffer', even though I did not believe this to be true but I then embodied this character because together with the shame and the guilt and the fear, I felt energy moving and I felt alive and I held on to this desire for aliveness however and wherever I could get it, no matter how upset I would have to get others to get an intense energy feedback and re-experience the aliveness of fear and guilt and shame at the maximum voltage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to that one moment in my Life, failing to realize that I had just imprinted myself with a memory of a moment during which I had not been an effective solution or stood One and Equal to myself as my physical body to see and understand what was going on within me, instead I sought to suppress this experience due to the guilt and the shame and the fear I felt and believed to be me as who I really Am and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect that one moment to fear and shame and guilt and for believing those emotions to be who I really Am, instead of realizing it was just a movement of energy and I am not defined by Energy or Energy movements unless I accept and allow myself to define myself as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace sentences like 'hurt people hurt people' or 'who has been damaged is dangerous because they know they can survive' as reminders and re-inforcers of that one memory of a moment in which I perceived myself as having been hurt and damaged by my mother through the emotions I felt and believed were caused by her, not seeing and realizing I was the one creating those emotions inside of me out of the fear of NOT having pleased by mother and that now I was in danger for my own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not pleasing my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop subCharacters of this one Main Character that expressed in demonic writings, on which I unleashed all my suppressed emotions and blamed them on others, making them responsible for how I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself within my own self created reactions, and for spending a lot of time apologizing afterward, seeking the for-giveness of others for my thoughts/Words and deeds, hoping to be Graced because I had Graced them many times when I had not leashed out on them and made them responsible before that one moment for 'everything they put me through' and I had the right to be for-given for this one time in which I lost it and went Postal on them, yet what I always sought was my own Self-Forgiveness which I would not grant to myself because I judged my thoughts, words and deeds as unforgivable once the demonic rush was over

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for ways to make myself right and justify why I was entitled to my own demonic possession which I believed and percieved were caused by imaginary harms that 'others put me through', failing to see I could never for-give myself what I would not own and take responsibility for because if I was NOT responsible I could not be for-given

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I craved and desired the for-giveness of others after I acted out this demonic energy possession and failed to see that I always desired and craved my own self forgiveness and my own standing as the Self Correction to make sure I would not give in to demonic possession ever again, no matter how righteous and Alive they made me feel while I allowed myself to be possessed and within this I FORGIVE MYSELF for who I have been as an Evil Character within the Play of Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my own Survival and for accepting and allowing myself to create and participate in a world where the survival of All is not Equally guaranteed but always dependent on 'something' external such as parents first and then a job and relationships, failing to see that such a set up would be a guarantee that all of us/me would have to compromise ourselves/me as Life to make sure we/me could reduce our Fears of survival to a minimum while trampling others on our way to safety, no matter what it took

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to hold on to this Character as a form of self punishment that displays that I am Noble at heart because I can see my faults and won't dismiss them so easily, and within this create a Character that is judgmental and not forgiving of myself and others because I keep tabs of what goes on, of my expression and that of others, trying to keep the books squared and when always failing short, making up stories about why and how I came to lie and compromise myself and others so I could sustain the existence of some of my Characters while embodying others as cover ups of righteousness which were not real as much as the faulty ones were not ever Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this Character of 'having been harmed and damaged' as an excuse and justification about why I harmed and damaged others', failing to see that there were no others but Me, harming and damaging me in senseless loops of stupidity that I kept in place so as to never uncover the truth that none of my Characters were real but that in the process of creating Characters I perceived I had lost my self so much as I had con-vinced everyone including me that I was in fact those Characters and now I did not know how to go back to Authenticity or what it even meant as I had forgot to remember that there was nothing TO DO to become Authentic, or I would create another Character who was 'Authentic' in separation from myself, but to bring myself back Here in and as Breath, where I do not have to remember how to be Life because Life is Here and has always been Here while I was the one busying myself somewhere else within my Characters Creation

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the 'I harm people' Character or the precursor which is 'I have been harmed/damaged', I stop, breathe, remind myself I am none of these Characters as they live off memories and as such they are not Life, I bring myself back Here through breathing and stop my participation in and as a Character and Character Creation

I commit myself to become aware of all the Characters I embody so I may STOP the existence of me as a Character, becoming the Care taker of myself until I stop the existence of me as madness and delusions and nothing of what I have created that is not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is best for ALL exists anymore but Life as Breath Here, One and Equal for All