Day 182: One Day I'll Fly Away

This is a Follow up to My Previous Blogs on the Character "I don't need Anybody":

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I don't Need Anybody
Don't You Dare Hitting Me
I Hate you Mommy Dearest



Imagination Dimension

Me having Money to be able to leave
Me already grown up and living alone

Emotion and Feelings Reactions

Emotions of Anger/Rage

Overwhelming Sadness, Pain

Suppression of the sadness and rage so as to not give her 'the satisfaction' of having made me suffer like I perceived she wanted to

Fear I would not be able to suppress with 'dignity' and would expose myself as the hurt longing kid that I really was
Feelings of Relief when playing out the plot of myself 'leaving'
Feelings of Joy connected to the Imagination Dimension of 'living alone'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself having Money and being Able to leave, connecting Money to what I believed Freedom was and the Freedom I perceived I lack to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being Free as having Money, because as I accepted and allowed such definition in and as me, when I have no Money I perceive myself as Not Free and for tying myself down and constricting myself in and as an idea I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through Imagination to design an alternate reality in which I was already grown up and out of my mother's claws and within this Imagined Reality I had the Life I wanted which at the time was simply 'away from my mother'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my Imagination as a form of Spite, during which I would create Imaginary circumstances that I used to hold against my mother with thoughts such as 'You'll see, You'll miss me one day', not seeing realizing and understanding I was creating a Character of Spite that would always enact the same script when I would feel challenged or when I would take something someone said about me personally and then, unable to live with what I believed to be the reflection of me for real and not a projection of who made up ideas and beliefs about me and then voiced them as 'You are', and for my believing that I either was that or that I myself feared to be that, perceiving my space now contaminated by those words that had been spoken about me and desired to leave, erase my steps and leave everything behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel rage and sadness when I feared that I was not wanted, not appreciated and in fear of showing this rage and sadness in a moment when my "stock" was already at its lowest, to suppress myself and decide that I would never show this as further ammunition to be shot with, I would suppress, failing to see I was the one making up judgements about myself as unwanted and unappreciated through taking things people spoke about me personally, seeking what was 'the real meaning' behind the words they used, since I got it early, that words never meant what they appeared to mean, and in this seeking, I would look for the negative slant, as this was a family heirloom we passed on to each other, seeking the Achilles heel in any speech, building up ammo for when the wars will break out without notice, staying alert, awake, and through the perception that my mother shot me in the heart several times already, blaming the hurt I felt on her, I resolved to never trust anybody


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never trust anybody because I did not trust myself and what I was willing to do to not lose out, to come out on top so I wouldn't have to experience myself 'negatively' but have someone else the loser of the verbal wars and have to experience themselves negatively while I could experience myself positively as in 'I am/was right'


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own expression of sadness and rage, judging myself as unlikeable, trying to align to what was the likable side everyone seemed to be after, the monkey jumping number I was required to do every day that would ensure my survival within the system and everyone around me to be just happy with the circumstances and with me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a picture of myself on a bus with my stepgrandma, in which I saw myself deliberately use the 'baby talk' because that's about when she stopped liking children, when they spoke normally, like adults, and since I noticed how she preferred children who were still children in their talk -to me- while my mother taught me to speak proper Italian as a child and not gluglu for water, I instead decided that her approval and acceptance of me was more important than me being me and not resulting into diminishing myself into the garbled idiotic language we teach to children to amuse ourselves, and in that moment I felt sorrow, for myself, for my unauthenticity failing to realize that the more I complied to what I perceived were the system, relatives requirements 'to like me' the further I moved away from myself and my own self acceptance and self expression until I believed that the acceptance of others was more important than the unconditional acceptance of me, Here in every moment of Breath, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in fear of exposing myself as a hurt kid, fearing that if anyone understood exactly how to hurt me, they would do so deliberately, as this was a family pattern in which we sought WHAT would really annoy someone and then go for it and so the trick was to not let ANYONE know what bothered me or what really hurt me, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could be hurt just because I believed I read the intention to hurt and harm into the words of people around me, when in fact what I read was my own desire to hurt and harm others through words spoken aloud or in my secret mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word dignity to suppression, meaning that I could only access my own dignity if no one EVER knew what was going on inside of me, which was less than dignified, such as thoughts, emotions and feelings and as such, move into suppression seeking dignity for myself instead of stopping my participation in and as the Mind which was in fact the Undignified part of my existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would find relief from myself and from how I experienced myself once I moved away from home and my mother's claws, based on my imagination of that moment in which I would be alone and as such not stimulated into reactions of any sort and as such FINE, instead of questioning why I had reactions within me that I blamed on others just because they blamed their reactions on me and within that failing to see that I would take me and my own reactions and triggers wherever I went in the world and that Imagination never delivered and as such I should have defined it as non trustworthy nor real and stopped my participation in it as a source of distraction from what was going on within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the joy of being free through my Imagination, away from home and my mother, having connected the word freedom to not being prompted into Characters to please or to hide or to suppress, blaming the experience of myself on others as I lacked the tools to see that it was me doing what I ended up experiencing and that the freedom I sought was the freedom from the Mind, the cage I perceived myself living in that I could not understand how it came about and how to manage until I started using the Desteni Tools.


I commit myself to stop using my Imagination to distract myself from an experience of myself, because it is in moments of discomfort that I can see a point of polarity coming up that is causing friction inside of me and release myself from it for good through writing, Sf and SC

I commit myself to remind myself that even though I have accepted and allowed myself to become what I have become through engaging in the Mind and believing the Mind to be me as who I really am, that this is not all I am and that I can move out of my own accepted and allowed definitions of myself as thoughts, emotions and feelings and walk myself to stability as I can redesign myself in every moment of Breath through a process of accumulation, to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, One Breath at the time.

Related articles

• Day 149: You hurt my feelings character
• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed
• Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers
• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest
• Day 105: Human Liberties

Day 153: I'm not 'That Kind of Woman' - Character

So, part of my annoyance with the point I wrote about yesterday brought forward his Character, the "I'm not That Kind of Woman' Character.

It is a preposterous statement from someone who has been All kind of Women and is a Character that doesn't have a clear idea of what kind of woman I am not, according to the occasion I'm just Not "That Kind of Woman" that someone is showing to not like/prefer/ admire or want to count among their friends, there, I am not THAT one, I am the Other One, the one that is liked, preferred, admired and wanted among your friends.

As we walk looking at the Characters we created it's amazing how we can keep up the act, oh wait, we can't, this is why we are going mental, suffer from depression, find all possible alternative therapies to cure the existential dis-ease that we have, our personality dis-orders, in which we lose the ability to manage the crowd in an orderly manner, like an Orchestra Director having to deal with musicians who have lost the plot and are now attempting to blow into violins or drum on trumpets, really, how long can we keep up the act?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the expression 'that kind of woman' with a negative charge, based on how I perceived the expression 'those kind of women' charged by the people who used it to diminish other women and ostracize them as 'not belonging to our group', when I was a child and later on in my teen years

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I'm not that kind of woman' even though I am not even clear about what kind of woman I am not, having failed to notice that if I were not 'that' kind of woman as all the woman kinds I have listed as not 'being like that' I wouldn't even exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not be 'that kind of woman' as in the woman that I perceive is not liked, appreciated, desired, admired and thought well of by others, failing to see that I exist as if the opinion others have over me is more important than just being me, here in and as self expression within the simplicity of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than 'that kind of woman' not better identified but some kind of woman that I perceive is under criticism in a moment and to which I don't want to be associated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'I am not that kind of woman' as the kind that seduces a man who is younger, like a cougar, according to the new disparaging definition of 'such a woman', when in fact in my life I have been that kind of woman having lovers 20 years younger than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uppity and self righteous when I fear that someone might have made up their mind about me as being 'that kind of woman' and for wanting to prove them wrong because if I can prove them wrong I won't have to experience myself as 'that kind of woman' as a negative judgement in diminishment and shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I become 'that kind of woman' in someone's mind is a problem, when 'that kind of woman' is only defined by me within my mind which means I am having a problem with me and not with the judgement of another, as I am only making up the judgement of another in my mind as I project a situation about myself and 'that kind of woman' as a woman that is -hopefully- less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file the definition of 'that kind of woman' as negative as in no good and I don't want to be or be thought or judged as a woman that is no good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being called 'that kind of woman' even if just in the mind of someone around me and for trying to prove that I am NOT 'that kind of woman, doing things that make me feel ridiculous and pathetic as I battle with the imaginary dragons and phoenixes in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the expression 'that kind of woman' to diminish another woman in my own eyes and the eyes of others and rule out any competition that could lead me to lose out in comparison to their beauty and or attractiveness or a point within which I perceived myself as 'inferior' to them, that now includes youth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the world in this kind of women and 'that kind of women' leaving the category of those kind of women always open for updates and corrections to suit my perceived inferiorities so I could come out the winner in my imaginary competitions of and as the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when resorting to the thought I am not 'that kind of woman' because to not be that kind of woman I first had to participate in a judgement about 'what kind of woman that woman was' and then separate myself from the judgement I made as me being better than that Kind of woman, instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I have been all kind of women at all times and I stand Equal to every Woman that I have ever met or will ever meet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that when someone dislikes me or takes a distance from me, there is something wrong with me and he must have associated me with 'that kind of woman' which I desire to not be just because I don't want to experience the rejection and the judgement that is usually reserved for 'that kind of woman' to now be linked to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR to be 'that kind of woman', as the woman who is judged and pushed on the side of society because she is not fit to be part of the 'creme de la creme' because she is 'that kind of woman', the kind whose judgement we leave open and undefined to fit all possible situations and find a replacement and a walk in to any potential rejection

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected by others, instead of seeing and realizing that I have always and only feared my own rejection based on my own self judgement of myself as someone that in a specific moment stepped out of a line of acceptable behaviour and into the realm of 'that kind of woman' who took it on herself to now be ostracized and pushed out of the group

When and as I see myself desiring to use the expression 'that kind f woman' or thinking about the expression 'that kind of woman', I stop, Breathe, I ask myself what 'kind of woman' am I thinking or desiring to speak about as a way to not be associated with what I fear to be me, or have judged to be me and then I commit myself to write out the point to release myself from my own self judgements and fears regarding being rejected or pushed out of a group

I commit myself to investigate my fear of rejection and to flag myself to see when I step into the desire to separate myself from other women through the expression 'that kind of woman', so I can correct myself to stand as any kind of woman anytime beyond my self judgement based on morality and cultural beliefs that I may still harbour within and as me

I commit myself to no longer participate in and as the Character that says/thinks about other women as 'that kind of woman' as that is a point of separation that is not best for me or best for all and within this I commit myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All deleting this Character once and for All 

Related articles

• Day 152: The Untouchables & The Cougar
• Day 68: Perceptual Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 69: Perceptual Character Self Forgiveness Statements continued...
• Day 71: Perceptual Character Self Commitment Statements continued...
• Day 79: Blame Character Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 145: The Judge - Judging Myself and Others as Characters

This Character is one of my oldest and as such, most treasured.

Maybe treasured is not the right word, because this is one nasty Character, let's say one of the most familiar and yet uncomfortable, one of the most abusive and yet well known, letting go of some of my Characters feels like leaving behind an old time abusive friend, once you learn to live with the abuse you fear you'll miss them when they won't be around anymore.

I remember being a kid playing "the Judge" in the courtyard to establish who was Wrong and Who was right regarding disputes.

I remember as well a comment made by my mother to someone, praising me for being a natural 'Leader' and 'Moderator' and how good it felt to be praised for doing something worthwhile with my life at 5-6 years old.

Courtyard disputes were usually about stuff, toys, bicycles, who should play with whom, who said the wrong thing who said the right thing.

At the time I had not realized that my special position as a Judge was granted to me by being the one who had the biggest access to the Money system, as I was an only Child, never competing for resources within the family -until a new man came into the picture- and the only granddaughter as well, lavished with both gifts and Money that, as I wrote in another post, I could hide from my mother and gave me a sort of autonomy, I was somehow spared from the crawling all kids had to do to get into their parents favours to get what they wanted.

This put me above the crowd and as such, as the natural Judge of my Environment, like the TV Judges who have no Power in the reality of a courtroom but limit themselves to the recording room of the 'Judge TV Shows', my recording room was my courtyard.

The elation of my new role was short lived, because as soon as I embodied the Judge Character, the Judge started to Judge me as well, which was not what I had in mind when I self elected myself as the Judge of others due to my wisdom=as access to Money and yet, once the lock in to this personality suit took place, the nasty side effect of self judgement became more obvious and I started to experience doubts and anxieties, both on my rulings, 'what if I did not rule for the 'Right' One? What if I am influenced by my friendships ties? How can I be Wise to uphold this Judge Role with Fairness and Justice? 

Most of these questions were for sure prompted by talks with my mum trying to explain to me the 'Right and Wrong' of my new Character and how to try to be impartial when I expressed my opinion about others, something that we did not practice at home, as all the Opinions my family expressed, especially on my grandparents side, were absolutely biased and always designed to depict someone as 'bad' if they had fallen from their Grace, some of the comments made behind closed doors about people to whom they had smiled just 5 minutes before were scary and evil, they often threw in my mum as well and asked me to participate in the bashing, this was a point that ended up making me physically sick, in time I saw there was a correlation between my dinners at grandparents and my anxiety as I tried to not upset the boat by standing up for my mum and yet judged myself mercilessly for not doing so.

I don't have memories of much of the same happening with my mum, she actually tended like me to feel guilty and ashamed for saying certain things, not that the point of 'thinking certain things' is any different from speaking 'certain things' if not that they are not shared and exposed, and yet we have been granted by this world the knowledge that whatever happens in your mind is a bit like Vegas, as long as it stays in Vegas no one is the wiser.

Yes, it's true, no one is the wiser, as we drag our lives from one judgement to another, about ourselves and everyone else, the everyone else is like the chicken or the egg, still unclear who came first, did I start to judge myself first and then projected my judgements on others, or did I start to judge others first and then had no choice but to start to judge myself? Are there 'Others' by the way?

As I wrote I saw that self judgement started first, it must have, how could I start to think about judging another if I had not been shown what judgement is, we learn through example, so every time a parent criticizes their kid and passes judgements about how they express themselves, sit, walk, speak, eat, and then trying to access their mind with 'what were you thinking?' so they can judge their thoughts as well for being appropriate or inappropriate which is when and how we retreat into the mind to never again investigate what it is that is going on with me, where are these Thoughts coming from, how did this 'Thinking' business started and why don't I seem in control of it? WHO is thinking? Is someone living in my Mind doing the thinking? Why do I have thoughts I do not agree with, as Oscar Wild used to say?

So the self judgements piles up and then looking for relief, the judgement goes outward, to show oneself that I am not the worst, there is worse out there, look carefully, let me dig out some of their 'Secret Mind' bullshit and expose it, then we can all have a Judgement Feast, let's invite friends and celebrate our nastiness, see how we can outdo each other, who has the guts to judge the most, say the most awful things about another as The Truth, justifying how we crawled all the way under the scum of the Earth out of the Fear of being Judged, ending up Judging for a living, because when the Judgement of Others Stop, I am faced with all the Self Judgement I have not dealt with and God forbid I should open that damn of my own self created damn-nation, just to be swept away into nothingness and annihilation.

Will follow tomorrow with Self Forgiveness and SC to stop my participation in and as The Judge standing as  Judgement of myself and others as the Characters of Existence.

Related articles

• Day 68: Perceptual Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 69: Perceptual Character Self Forgiveness Statements continued...
• Day 70: Perceptual Character Self Commitment Statements
• Day 71: Perceptual Character Self Commitment Statements continued...
• Day 81: Justifications Character
• Day 96: Morality Character Self-Forgiveness statements
• Day 119: Suppression Character