Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership

It seemed romantic once. 

To think and say such things. Movies were full of them, the idea of ownership in and as Love, plus I come from a country where women are 'given away' in marriage, to symbolize the passage of ownership from father to husband. This was the reason why we didn't have a right to keep the maiden name either, because a property has to pass under the owner's name.

There are many things in our culture we don't even see, we just take them on board, they become normal, the exchange of the rings, the having the engagement ring given first, to say you have been booked, to emphasize that the process of ownership is underway, you are no longer free to fuck around basically, the engagement ring -engages a woman into a contract.

There are many other ways to say the same thing, I belong to you, will be yours forever, I won't be anybody else's but yours, it must be intended physically, because no one seems to have anything to say about the times they have sex with someone and think about someone else, so no one is after the ownership of someone else's mind, you can keep that one to yourself -have enough troubles with mine- so it's the ownership of the body, funny because everyone says how important the heart is, the soul is, and yet what we want to own of another is their body, we want to be sure no one else owns it, we put on it an exclusivity right, its safer, it makes us believe that it will last longer if one doesn't go around enjoying himself/herself with others least one gets to the point of comparison and we fall short on that.

So of course I have played this card many times, it goes with the 'I love yous' we say, its an extra flavour and dimension we add to it, we keep upping the stakes of the value we trade for a relationship, my love not enough? Have my body, take it, it's yours, forever.

When we take the time to look into our culture the ridiculousness of it all is impossible to miss, we make promises we can't keep, the body one is just one of many, how can we claim someone else's body or give away our own, where would we live then? How about when we go to work, do something not together, whose body is it then if not just mine and even during sex, whose body is it if not mine, if not me as the physical?

And yet we crave those declarations, they make us feel important, since we sold out everything, being owned by 'choice' seems not such a bad deal after all, I chose to give my body away...and how would that ever happen? HOW?

I have lived Love as ownership, trying to make people mine and be theirs, exchanging bodies on the meat market for value and a sense of security and ultimately, most important, to abdicate my responsibility for myself and give it to another, to the owner of my body, and then wondered why I lived like a Slave after choosing my Own Masters.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have memories of movies and books in which women said to a man 'I am yours' and to perceive an upliftement like if THAT was the point I should strive for, to be owned by someone, so since I did not own myself in full self responsibility, someone else would

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to own another so I could diminish the fear that I faced every time 'Love' came into the picture as something I had to now hang on to, feed, nurture and within this fear of losing what was never real I would create the desire to own someone so that the chances of losing them and the feelings I felt as positive feelings could last longer and be less threatened

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to own someone else and within this desire for ownership of another I forgive myself for supporting the whole master and slave relationship construct of this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a high when I heard the words 'you are mine or I am yours' as if I had achieved something, as if owning someone of be owned added value to myself and the experience of myself because I was no longer alone and for fearing being alone to walk this physical experience believing I was not enough I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how good it would feel to hear the words 'you are mine - I am yours' as if that would be the arrival point of something, of love in its ultimate expression, without seeing realizing and understanding that anyone who wants to give themselves up in exchange for another is not whole and the foundation of such trade is fear and the belief of not being good enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one is whole until they find their twin soul, and for looking for my twin soul as an attempt to complete myself, to be appreciated, to be enough as I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I would find him then I would experience myself differently and within this abdicating the responsibility of how I experienced myself at anytime to a chance meeting with a man to whom 'I could give myself'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss out on all the symbolism of marriage and women 'given away' by fathers to another man as one of the point on which I built this belief that I don't own myself, that I am first "owned" and then "given away", which is why so much garbage came from the end of the relationship with my ex husband as I suddenly perceived myself 'not belonging to anyone' and therefore less than I was before when 'I did belong to someone'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest consequences for myself as a result of this 'Giveaway Character' that I played and resulted in me never feeling whole or worthy unless I belonged to someone and someone 'belonged to me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding I had just separated myself  into a Character in my Mind seeking for ownership and belonging as a point of worth and value

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my separation into a 'not good enough character' expose myself to both external and internal manipulation in which anyone who would come and play this role would be welcomed as I would blind myself to looking if the potential relationship coming would be supportive for both me and another as an equal because I allowed myself to be driven by a Character in my Mind seeking ownership and belonging

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my desire/need to own another/belong to another live my times as a single woman as if I were lacking something, missing something, as if I were incomplete, idle, just waiting for the moment when I would own somebody/belong to somebody so I could go back to my patterns of Love/fear for another energy ride to feel alive and More than how I felt when not in an ownership/belonging relationship

When and as I see myself wanting to elicit the words 'I am yours' from another or to speak the words 'I am yours' to another, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, see realize and understand I am walking a Character and that if I do, whatever I create won't be real because a Character can't create anything real, as when I am in Character I am not being Here, self directive in and as breath and thus I am not real

When and as I see myself longing or moving into the longing of owning someone or belonging to someone, I stop and breathe, see realize and understand that this is not Love but ownership, just a program I run when and as I move into fear, instead I investigate what do I fear so I can release myself from this programming once and for all

I commit myself to correct myself every time I see I am about to walk into this Character of ownership/belonging or I see myself react to trigger words of the ownership/belonging Character, until I can stand stable in and as breath here in and as the physical for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship
• Day 69 - Relationship Energy Addict
• 102 - Relationships = Relate-to-Self
• Day 232 Journey into Life "Cinderella" Character Self Forgiveness
• Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self
• Day 225: Free The Slave 4 Love.
• Day 229: The Memories of The Way We Were

Day 171: Broken Stepford Wife - Part2

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Published on the Desteni Forums on Eleonora's Journey To Life

Day 159: Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of - Part 2

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Published on Desteni Forums under Eleonora's Journey to Life

Day 86: The 'I don't know what To Do' Character

As I read Journey to Life Blogs, Creation's Blogs and Heaven's Blogs, I see many points opening up and I go into wondering how am I going to take on all this Creation, because All of the Characters described I have been playing them too, not only, I have done the polarity ones as well of many of the statements that I read, yet this is another Character, my Doubting Thomas Character, doubting if I will ever make it, which is just a Matter of My decision, because Who is The One that decides?

So do I decide that I don't know if I will make it or do I decide that I will make it and so will everyone else, we'll make it, one self directive stand after another in Breath as One.

But one of the point that opened up quite clearly after reading Matti's Blog, Does God decide Who I am, and that has been festering under my skin for a couple of days is the 'I don't know what to do' Character.

When I looked for the picture to link to this point, I found books covers, we have actually written books to answer this question 'what to do when I don't know what to do', as the point had already become quite clear, I saw this as a confirmation of The extensive bullshit we live by and make a living on.

Because the way this point opened up was that I always know what I want to do, I just either a) don't want to do it, b) fear doing it, c) fear looking at my reasons for wanting or not wanting to do something due to my own self judgements about right and wrong that stands in the way to my Self Honesty as I rather be right and good than wrong and bad, so I always look for ways to make it all work for me, so I get to do what I want and look right and good.

Basically the times when I said "I don't know what to do', were the times when I have been unable to find the perfect working combination of all elements among my Characters, so that I could do what I wanted and look right and good, so what I was saying is, sorry, I have not found or created yet a Character that can make these 3 points work for me, so hang in there until I do, meanwhile I won't be Self Honest and just say what it is that I really want to do but will tell myself and others 'I don't know what to do', so I am not committing, while I expose my own self created imaginary confusion and who knows, I may get some points even out of not having rushed into a decision that is unpopular among my Characters who themselves get to vote about everything I want to do or think about doing, showing myself that I in fact live in a Dictatorship of my own Creation in my own Mind, where everything I think or better, I believe I think but only stem from memories I have filed that offer thoughts for me to ponder, is voted and weighted while as as the physical get no say in it simply because I accept the Dictatorship as Real and wait to be told who I am and what to do after the voting has taken place, while I suck myself dry out of Life and my chance to Live, until I stand and say STOP, enough is enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character that says "I don't know what to do' which is my stand by Character while voting takes place about what I should do, when I know what I want to do but I just don't have the guts to do it or I don't have the guts to look at why I don't have the guts to do it/not do it in fear that I will not like to discover I am living in a dictatorship of my own Creation and that I have never in fact had any say about my Life, until now

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the Character 'I don't know what to do' to step in as I removed myself from the Equation of having to make a decision having considered all party involved, assessed what is best for All to the best of my abilities, within the realization that All is Me and then walk it to completion no matter what

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the existence of a Character that says 'I don't know what to do' because if I keep this Character alive I will always have an excuse to not come clean about what I want to do and get out of my Life, and I can live my idle Life instead of my Ideal Life in which I deal as in I decide and then walk according to What is best for me and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear about making a decision, I stop, breathe, remind myself I know that I know what I want to do, so I stop, evaluate what I want to do and why, if what I want to do is motivated by a Character and its own agenda I take the opportunity to clear up the agenda and the Character that I came to uncover through looking at myself in intimacy and Self Honesty without judgements, and then reassess what I want to do in alignment with What is Best for All as I know I can see this clearly as well and negating that I can is just an excuse for NOT doing what I see would be best for me and best for All

When and as I see myself resisting or about to move into resistance regarding what I want to do and why, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that resistance shows me that a Character is at play and I push myself to see through this Character and its own agenda so I can become clear about what is standing in the way between me and doing what I want that is best for me and best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend that 'I don't know what to do' when the utterance of these words always makes me physically uncomfortable as I know that I know what I want to do and by saying 'I don't know what to do' I feel dishonest and separated from myself as in not knowing myself, not wanting to know myself, so I commit myself to stop pretending that I don't know what to do and look at what I know that I want to do and why so I can come to know myself and what is driving me instead of me driving me as the Self  Directive principle of Myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed when I said 'I don't know what to do' in my Life, because knowing that I did know what I wanted to do, and disowning myself in Self Honesty due to the judgements I held about good and bad, right and wrong, I ended up stating that what I wanted to do and live was shameful and that I should feel guilty about it, instead of investigating the origin of my desires and wants without judgements so I could release myself from being puppettered around by Energy standing in the way of myself becoming the Self Directive Principle of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say "I know what I want to do' and then lie about what I REALLY wanted to do, putting forth an acceptable decision that I identified would match the expectations of the Character/s I was facing and of whom I desired the approval and respect, lying about myself and what I wanted so that I could be approved and accepted and not challenged as a Character that did not fit into the expectation of others of how my Character should behave and what wants and desires should hold

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there was ever a time in my life in which I did not know what to do, for example when I did not divorce my ex husband after 6 months when I realized that Our relationship was based on constant total friction that we were both unable to resolve, instead I said I did not know what to do, while I meant I did not know where to go if I left while I was alone in Singapore without a work permit, while I knew that I wanted to leave because I could see no resolution at the time between us for who we were as Characters in our relationship, yet I stayed and told myself that I knew I stayed because I loved him, which was total bullshit as I knew I staid because I was too afraid to leave and not be able to support myself but I did not have the guts to say this except when we fought and then I would say it to hurt him and then take it back to get a chance to stay, all the while proving to myself that the decision to leave would have been the best for both but I did not have the guts to do it, and within this I forgive myself for having not made decisions in my life that I saw and knew would have been necessary out of fear of Survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed that even when I saw that my embodying the 'I don't know what to do Character' was causing harm to myself and others, I still did not have the guts to walk a decision I had already made but ended up living the decision in my backchat so I staid but in reality I left after 6 months turning my relationship into a lie and a farce just because I did not want the responsibility of making this decision and walk it whatever it took for the sake of what was best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say "I don't know what to do' regarding my pot use, which was ludicrous because I absolutely knew what to do, which would have been to stop it, on the spot, to quit that damaging self abusive habit forever, yet I did not want to as I felt unstable and a walking mine in a minefield of my own creation and I feared I would not be there for myself to support myself and so I was not willing to give up Pot no matter how clear it was to me what would have been the best thing to do for myself and others as equals, but I could wear my 'I don't know what to do' Character and keep going until I drove myself and others almost insane, and within this I forgive myself for what I have done to myself and others while using Pot as an excuse for not taking responsibility for my behavior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I don't know what to do' regarding how to get a job now or settle myself back into the world system, when I do know what to do as I have proved to myself in the past few days when I did start to look consistently and send proper CVs out and evaluating business opportunities that I could engage into if I don't get a job and so I see that my 'I don't know what to do' Character is a cover up for when I am perceiving myself as not able to stand in and as a decision that I know needs to be made as I can clearly see that the way I live is not effective and not what is best for me or best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I let go of the 'I don't know what to do Character' then I will have to expose myself as one that knows What to do at All times and that implies having to become Self responsible at all times for the decisions I make or not make as what I have in fact decided to do or not do and within this I forgive myself for fearing the self responsibility that comes with the decisions I make or not make

I commit myself to stop my existence as the 'I don't know what to do' Character, as I see realize and understand that I do know what to do and when I believe I don't I am trying to fool myself and I can stop, breathe, sit down and write out the points of the decision to make, see if I am considering all points, make the decision that is best for all and then walk my decision to completion

I commit myself to stop my existence as the guilt and the shame for having embodied the 'I don't know what to do' Character, denying the existence of Me as a Self Directive principle and my ability to make decisions that consider what is best for me and what is best for All, and commit myself to stand as the Self Directive principle of My Decisions for myself as Life and All of existence Equal and One.

Day 60: Rings to Tie and Bind

When I got married I was the one getting the rings, my husband to be was already relocated in Singapore, he sent me the finger measure with a piece of iron wire, we chose them half white gold and half yellow gold and had each other's name inscribed inside.

When he arrived in Milan he tried the ring on and it was a perfect fit.

As a culture (Italian) we place much importance on the wedding rings, I always wore mine until I divorced and in the later years when I had become more lax about it, my husband took it out a few days after the wedding and told me it was just tight and uncomfortable, I felt hurt about that, because I believed it meant he did not love me and did not care for me.

Many of the things I used to believe today seem ridiculous to me, yet I believed them, I put value on two metal rings to define my relationship with my husband.

Women are brainwashed into believing that wedding rings are a sign of Love/value that a man puts in the relationship, yet when I look back, the love of my husband that was less spoken and less advertised than mine was more substantial than mine, while I used these rings to impose dos and donts according to the ringed/slave life we both had subscribed to, because rings are just for that, to define a property , an ownership, this is why slaves had rings on their noses, like bulls, so they could be pulled around and moved where they were supposed to be.

One interesting thing is that in my language the 'ring' finger is called ANUlare, couldn't make it clearer than that, wear your ring slave, now you are Mine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put value into 'wedding rings'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the wedding ring as a way to communicate my subordinate position in my marriage by wearing it, a sign that 'everything was fine' or to take it off to send the signal that things were rocky instead of communicating what was going on with me in fear that what was going on with me was in fact not acceptable and bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt when my husband told me that he no longer wanted to wear the wedding ring and stopped wearing it because I felt he no longer wanted to be with me and that he did not want me because I already carried that fear and then I put value in rings to define my relationship to another being to state that he wanted me or not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my husband did not want me and to connect this fear to the wedding ring he did not wear because it was uncomfortable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more secure when we were both wearing our rings because it meant he was Mine and I was His and within this agreement everything was fine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that my husband wore his ring to show that he did want to be with me and that he was Mine so I could feel safer and not fear that he was having backchats about leaving me or regrets about having married me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by a wedding ring as 'belonging to someone' as something that satisfied my desire to belong, because I believed I was not enough to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking about the wedding ring to my husband because I feared he would mock me and that he would see in my desire for him to wear the wedding ring that I was in fact frail and insecure and he would not like me because he married a confident and self assured woman that was no longer around after I left my job and my country to go to Singapore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to own another human being as a way to not have to face my insecurities and my perceived worthlessness, because if I could own somebody I was not worthless and I could feel safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel safe  with myself alone and for needing someone else around in my life to feel safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt every time he made jokes about the 'fucking wedding ring' because I associated myself and self value to the wedding ring and his desire to wear it and to feel diminished by his jokes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by his jokes about wedding, marriage and the wedding ring and for taking them personally reducing myself to feeling worthless and not wanted, instead of realizing I felt worthless and not wanted in separation from myself as in me not wanting myself and not being the Self Worth as Life Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate men who don't want to wear wedding rings to cheaters while I was the one that ended up cheating twice, even wearing my wedding ring, proving that beliefs and traditions don't make Who We Are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about cheating, because I knew he was not cheating on me but I justified my cheating with his carelessness that was not real but just made up by myself having built up images and expectation of the perfect couple, continuously comparing us to them, to the movies to fairy tales and when we came out short in perfection I blamed it on him because I was doing all the right things, like wearing my wedding ring, while he was always away to work to support us and our household

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek my own value into my husband feedback and for feeling diminished when his feedback was not good and then desiring to cheat to prove to him that other men would have in fact wanted me and treasured me, even though the value problem was always mine and he just got blamed for what I was not willing to face and take responsibility for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad now that I write about this, because the first time I cheated I went home and told him  and told him I wanted to leave with this other man and I was hurt because he did not call me a whore like men of my culture do, but he told me 'that he was sorry to see me suffering' and hoped that I would make up my mind so I would no longer suffer like I was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel loved because he did not call me a whore and slapped me around to show me his passion, instead of seeing that love is not calling a woman a whore and slapping her around to show passion  and that is just insecurity and frustration, yet in him not aligning with what I understood as normal, I was unable to see that love doesn't bind and hurt, doesn't own the life of others but stands and gives what it would like to receive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel soooo bad about what I did when I discovered the other man couldn't even remember me after 2 weeks, and my husband came home from a business trip got into bed and told me 'thank you for coming back to me', that I lived in guilt and shame for the rest of my marriage, even though he never brought it up once but the diminishment of myself had been so big that instead of appreciating this man I went on to find faults with him, so I could lever the field and not feel like such a shit, because I was not even sure that I staid for him or because I had nowhere else to go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip behind my husband back, looking to build an entourage of people that saw me as right, because I felt so wrong that instead of stopping and starting to make things right,  started to make him wrong, because I lacked the tools to self correct and anything I tried from Meditation to positive affirmation never changed me or who I had accepted and allowed myself to become but just compounded my self judgements and shame and guilt that I projected on him as blame trying to take him down from the pedestal where I myself put him in comparison to me and my vile ego and self interested living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to intentionally harm another because I was damaged through my own damaging within my extensive participation in thoughts emotions and feelings and because I had not yet found ways to stop and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to share my own hell with others dragging them by their hair onto my emotional rollercoasters and accusing them to being emotionally retarded, while the only one that was emotionally retarded was me, having engaged most of my life into emotional turmoil, believing that that was what life was because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that conflict was what life is about and that noone can escape friction and so if friction must be, let me be the winner of the friction competition

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as conflict and as friction, always trying to up my opponent so I would win the Energy/value competition, no matter who I would have to take down in the process to establish myself as the winner, proving that I have lived a life of competition and spitefulness, while blaming others for being spiteful and evil not wanting to own up to my own spitefulness and the evil I existed in and as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with my husband for who was better and worse and that when I accepted he was better than me I moved into competing to be worse so I could win at something and not feel diminished by my relationship with him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my husband for how I felt about myself, projecting on him my own self hatred and lack of acceptance instead of realizing it was my response-ability to stop existing as self hatred and lack of acceptance by starting to accept myself unconditionally and loving myself unconditionally so I would stop my existence as a beggar of reasons to 'feel good about myself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel good about myself, instead of seeing it was this desire that kept the feeling bad about myself alive and kicking, while I kept myself separated from me as Life Here in Breath as Self Worth One and Equal with everything that exists

I commit myself to stop looking for reasons to love myself for, as I see and realize that self love is not about what I do or how I do it, it's a decision to love myself no matter what, to accept myself no matter what so I can in self honesty build Self trust and no longer lean on others or desire to lean on others to be validated as a worthy human being, as Life Here in Breath exists as Self Worth and I am the one who has gone away in separation through Self Judgements while Life was Here stable in the physical, judgement free in every moment of Breath One and Equal to What is Best for All and everything that exists.

I commit myself to investigate in depth how I have built myself into such separation and to stop my survival in and as separation in and as the Mind to stand as Life Here in Breath, One and Equal to existence and All There IS.

Day 59: A Wedding, an Addiction and Other Crimes Against Life

On My wedding day we were just 12, yet there was a lot of commotion.

We did not get married in Church being both non Catholics, we had a Civil Wedding at the Royal Villa in Milan, this is actually a real picture of the Gardens of this Villa that is now called City Hall, as if it belonged to the City since the Citizens pay for its maintenance, instead we are allowed in just once (or more) in our Life, when we get married. I actually had pictures of myself and my husband taken on this bridge just after the wedding, in the exact same Sepia Colour.

I had them, because like everything I did in my life, when I walked away from it, I tried desperately to not keep any picture, to let everything go, and I identified more or less everything in and as my life with pictures.

Little did I know at the time that pictures end up embedded as memories in our Flesh, into the very fabric of who we are, "What the Bleep" talked blandly about it, then when I met Desteni finally I started to understand how and why everything seemed burnt into me and why I perceived myself as scarred for and by Life, first by my Family Life and then by my Marriage.

Many other relationships with men came and went, I did not allow any of them to scar me as much as my marriage did, not my husband Fault, this is very clear now, just all my doing, in my movement that started from a fucked up beginning that run all throughout my marriage.

After the wedding we left and moved to Singapore, we left the day after, I had to pack all my stuff which at the time came up to just less than 20 boxes, sold my car, had 17 days from the beginning of January to make it all happen,

At the time I had a severe Pot addiction, I knew I was supposed to pack but every day I would get up and smoke myself silly, I was anxious about leaving Italy with a man I barely knew that I met on a business trip in Las Vegas one year before the day of my marriage and that I had seen on weekends only and on one week of holiday that we spent together, and I couldn't handle the pressure, so smoking was my only way to assist myself to get 'apparent' breaks from my extensive backchats about my fears and how I feared he would leave me for another woman when he would realize I was just a fuck up with a bad pot addiction. 

I had not hidden this from him, just the extent of my addiction, when he was around during the weekends I would control myself, when he arrived in Italy one day before the wedding and saw I had almost packed nothing he told me 'it doesn't matter, we do it together' which meant he almost packed everything for me and told me 'you'll give up your addiction in Singapore, simply because there is the death penalty there and we won't risk ever to just have a smoke, right?' which was another huge point of anxiety for me, I would HAVE to give up Pot, imagine that, I had lived until then trying to reconcile that this was WHO I was, an addict, better accept this and design my life around this addiction that I would just never give up.

So my marriage started on guilt and shame, I got pregnant from the "one night stand" we spent together in Las Vegas and aborted, because I did not have money to support a kid if I had to leave my job, I didn't even think about it twice, it was obvious, my ex husband who had got in touch again after the one night stand and to whom I told I was pregnant but would not keep it, after we had seen each other for a few weeks in a row, told me 'we'll keep the next one' and hugged me all night when he came to visit just after the surgery. It was my second, the second was easier, it's amazing how we get used to everything and accept that our lives are choices that we have to make within our limited resources, I live you die, or we both die.

Basically he embodied everything I wanted in a man, he was good looking, tall, intelligent, kind, we had great interesting conversations and a future ahead of him, he would surely grow in his position at work and I could tag along.

The things that were not right was all the backchat that manifested from when he asked me to marry him, then the Marriage Holy Ghost possessed me, everything he did I compared to movies, I got no ring, no going on his knees he did not say he couldn't live without me, in fact he said that it would be 'most practical, that his boss told him it would be easier if we were married' which of course led to me holding this one point against him forever, believing that he did not want me, he was just being practical, and on this I built a castle of bitterness and anguish with which I abused myself and him, seeking that certainty that in fact he did want me and loved me and he had not married me just to get me to Singapore, because I had told him, Icannot leave everything just for a fling, so marriage was the collateral that was put up for my Life, and I accepted it.

When we exchanged vows we were asked if we wanted common property of assets, at the time we did not have much assets, I had a tiny apartment in Milan, my husband waited for me to decide since I was the only asset owner among us and I said YES, he saw this as a gesture of good will, I saw this as an investment into sharing what he would make in the future.

On my wedding day my father reappeared from nowhere, he lived the flower child life unsuccessfully and when he aged he ended up going to work for his ex flower child friends who now all run successful businesses. His appearance created tension, my grandfather lost his chance to take me to the 'Altar', my mother got to review her lost chances at marriage in memory lane and cried throughout the wedding, my mother in law cried as she felt lonely, her ex husband not being there because my husband invited him too late. My grandmother pushed my mother out of the way to sit next to us at the wedding table, my mother sat sad and grieving throughout the lunch.

We had lunch at the Brazilian restaurant and ordered cahipirinas for everyone, a spirit mixed with sugar and lime, instead of wine, this is how we got to take a breath in all the emotional turmoil, when everyone was finally drunk, we started 'having fun', or better we started no longer giving a fuck about anyone else and whatever it was that was eating them all, and as the spirit grew in theirs and our blood, so our Spirits rose, from the Graves to the Stars, finally, all able to embody the lie that our lives have become, the Happy relatives at the Happy Happy Wedding Day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not good enough for my husband

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because my marriage was born out of a cndition that I had set, that I would not go to Singapore just for a 'fling' pushing my husband to propose, or so I believed, and for this judgement of myself I spent my marriage looking for clues that he did in fact not want me and that he just married me because 'I manipulated him into it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my ex husband did not want me and I maniuplated him into marriage when in fact each one of us is responsible for what we do and my manipulation doesn't affect him but myself as I end up in guilt, shame, remourse and then self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting andd allowing myself to hold myself hostage to my own self judgement of how I have manipulated others instead of seeing I have only and always manipulated myself only and created more separation inside myself while I created layers of screen to not face my own self judgements because at least I judged myself which allowed me to feel right and righteous

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself so I would get to feel right and righteous and more than others that were wrong and less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I had a pot addiction the extent of which I kept hidden in fear that I would lose value in his eyes, because I had already lost value in my own eyes for living the life of an addict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad for having lived the life of an addict and for defining myself as an addict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my husband came to Milan and found out I had packed fuck all because I was too busy smoking myself silly so I would not have to face all the fears I felt regarding moving abroad and getting married

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear marriage, getting married and my wedding day and for leaving behind all my pictures hoping that I could delete what happened without taking responsibility for my participation within and as it and the outflow and consequences I had to live due to my participation in and as The MIND

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that because my husband saw me like that, overtaken by my addiction, he had lost respect for me and I walked into my marriage feeling that I had a debt and was flawed and I was not of Equal value to him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress shame and guilt for my inability to walk away from Pot to start a new life, even when I had an opportunity because by then I had made Pot my God and I  feared living without it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel numb when I aborted for the second time, not devastated like the first time, because I saw myself has having failed and having embraced the Money system so completely that it had become who I was and all my decision were based on money and my ability to support myself and a child did not fit into the picture at any time in my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself up to the Money system in fear for my survival and what I would not be able to do to make money if I had children at 23 and then 29, when my life had finally just settled into some sort of financial stability that I could not give up because I feared for my future within this world and how I would face life with children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my abortions as if I were bad and unworthy because the Catholics condemned abortion, instead of seeing that it is the world we live in that is a crime against Humanity and Life and that I just accepted it and allowed it by admitting that my survival was more important than the survival of anyone else and that I would do anything to secure my position within the system to be able to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the sadness of my abortions because I judged myself as the fault and the cause for them and since I was the cause I had given up my right to grieve and see that I was just scared and that I have to stop judging myself for what I have done to survive and instead stand as the Solution so other women won't have to base their choices in life on surviving but on Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my mum came to pick me up at the first abortion and she brought me flowers as it is customary for surgeries, and I saw all the other girls there alone and no one knew they were there and their mothers would have never supported them and I felt guilty for having the support of my mother who had to make the same choice before me for the same reasons as me, because the system is so fucked up that support is not there for women unless they work to support themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the flowers my mum brought to me to a celebration and for feeling guilty and shameful associating flowers and celebration to an event like an abortion for which I was required to be sad and grieving and remorseful instead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my first abortion as something that it should never be spoken about ever again, because I had not forgiven myself for my own self judgement of myself as being a careless slut and how could have that happened to someone like me who was on the pill since I was 17, preaching that abortion is just a sign of careless stupidity until I had to face mine and had to feel carelessly stupid through my own judgement of others as myself, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not worthy to bring a child into this world because I was too fucked up and I would have passed it on to my child, like my grandma did to my mother and then she did to me and I was not good enough to procreate because I saw myself as useless and unworthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my husband to be hugged me all night after my abortion, because inside of me I believed I did not deserve it, that I was BAD and that there was no redemption for me having made the same miss-take twice, just for a fuck and look where it led

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in debt toward my husband to be because he had been so understanding and nice through that post abortion time and he called me every night and I feared losing him so much that after my marriage I did everything in my power to lose him but I just embittered him and he would not leave me until I had to leave, leaving behind grief and sorrow, hoping it would not catch up with me and that he would handle it because he was better than me at handling 'emotions' (or suppressing them) and I could just move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store and suppress so much grief inside of me regarding my marriage and everything that I did wrong that when I saw Andrea's pictures I felt like crying as all this stuff bubbled up inside of me again, instead I suppressed it down again and kept walking to give myself some more time before unraveling Me, the wedding and my abortions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my wedding day in a state of constant tension, looking forward to smoking Pot and drinking the next cahipirinha, so I could keep everything suppressed and under control and not have to see my mother crying and my grandfather sad, and my mother in law lonely and face that I was witnessing the microcosm of Humanity in a room, where all the pettiness and the grievances of a lifetime where exposed and raw and what really goes on inside each one of us was there for everyone to see and could no longer be hidden but by alcohol or drugs, legal or illegal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately arrange spirit drinks for everyone, so they too would suppress everything that was going on and we could spend a fake quiet happy day, pretending that all was fine and the future in front of us was bright and that we were living the perfect fairy tale wedding day, on our way to our honeymoon and Happily Ever After

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sign for joint ownership of assets as an investment in my future, investing in my husband future life and his future assets so I would be guaranteed a survival within the system, because I felt like a fraud and I feared the day I would be called out for what I was, my survival would no longer be certain and I would not probably make it in the world by myself and it was better to have a man next to me to 'support' me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be supported both emotionally and financially because then I would not have to participate in this world of fights and struggles and face the system as myself, but I would be someone else's responsibility and I could just drift through life unscathed by this system of self interest and survival, while I was my own system of self interest and survival inside the walls of my own home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not communicate to my husband what was going on with me and for keeping up the suppression game that increased my back chats and made me feel dishonest within my relationship for what I projected on him about me and how I felt because I did not know how to take responsibility for myself and how to correct myself until I met Desteni and applied the tools they taught me and within this I stop all judgements for who I have been and what I did and think, understanding that now is just a matter to walk backwards, own up to the life I have lived and correct my relationships of thoughts words and deeds back into alignment with what is best for Life as What is Best for All, which is what is best for me as in stopping the self abuse of me as judgements and recriminations about what would have been if I were different, as I walk  the manifested consequences of what I laid out for myself and breathe until all of me stands corrected in alignment with Life and What is best for All

I commit myself to dig into this relationship until I feel clear that when my ex husband name is spoken I have no movements and no reactions and I stand clear as one relationship that has finally aligned to what is best for me and what is best for All, as Life, One and Equal.