Day 291: Understanding & Facing Consequences

Facing Consequences

I have spent 5 days on and off with my ex, tension started only on day 4 when we comfortably slipped into old behavioral patterns of irritation and recrimination.

When he said 'it's so unpleasant talking to you' I brushed it off, but later when I shared this point with my buddy as I walked backwards those 5 days to see how I accumulated frustration that then blew up in a modest quarrel that I dragged over into the relationship with my mother, that point made me cry and then it made me sob uncontrollably.

Partly because it was like someone said 'I had not changed' but mostly because I believed it and felt the despair of how will I even walk out of that particular relationship. And it's just One point of the many to correct.

Then my buddy said 'understand you are walking consequences, breathe, bring yourself back here and if you need to cry, if the tears are there, do'. But they were not, they were exhausted at the first sobbing and thanks to one of the last interviews I listened to by Anu -which was specifically about Consequences and how to face them, I was not as scared about walking through them as I used to be.

I was still not clear about how I created those consequences as I still held a belief of consequences being like Karma, like a punishment, vs being just the consequential sequence of event that I set in motion through my participation in and as the mind.

So when my buddy said 'it is the result of yours and your ex's backchats about each other that has piled up over time into an energetic entity that now can take you over and throw you around, the penny finally dropped. Aaahhh, but of course, I had truckloads of backchats about my ex, that was when consequence became clear, I was riding the energetic pattern that I had woven for myself, one thought at the time, one suppressed emotion at the time, that was why at one point I found myself in familiar unpleasant ground, the energetic entity came up and I did not make the self directive decision to not participate, instead I wore the costume of the frustrated wife/ex wife Character offered and walked the well known path of 'who I had been/believed to be" within this specific relationship.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as soon as I realized I was living out a familiar pattern, instead of breathing and bringing myself back here and not allow myself to participate, move into thinking 'I have not changed' as the reason why I could not do anything different but ride the energetic experience of frustration and irritation because I gave in to the belief that I was not in control

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt frustrated and irritated, instead of realizing I was riding the consequences of what I had already built in the past through backchat and my participation in and as the mind, move into further backchat, creating additional consequences that I have laid out for myself to live in the future 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to live out everything and anything that comes up as consequence as a sort of punishment for what I have participated in, instead of just stopping my participation wherever I find myself along my self pre-designed, pre-woven path through breathing and stabilizing myself in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the topic of some relationships being the ultimate test of self forgiveness to keep for later in my process came up in my private chat with B&S, to flash the memory of Anu speaking about how we were engineered to mate with people with whom we would have the maximum friction for energy creation and within that thought/memory to feel enraged at the idea that I have been a puppet designed to be used and triggered on and off to just serve a system I can't remember I have participated in creating

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move into self victimization about what happened to me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I was waking the consequences of what I myself created through my own participation in and as the Mind which I am more than capable to face and transcend

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel enraged and saddened about this Creation and how far we took the abuse of each other, projecting my rage onto the Creators of such a cruel and sadistic system when in fact I was enraged with myself for having participated all the way up to here which is another point I have used to give up my power to stand up as I accept the idea and belief that something was done onto me vs me being the Creator of my life experience and everything that I experience within and as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my ex was here, sabotage myself by comparing myself and how I was treated in my relationship with how I perceived he treated his new partner and feeling belittled by the fact he seems to be doing better with her than he did with me - which is just an interpretation of my mind for the purpose of self diminishment by using a perception of being the victim of an injustice as I deliberately picked and mixed the good bits of what I saw and heard, discarding all the other parts such as outspoken backchats, judgements and the same stuff that was going on with me that I overlooked on purpose because acknowledging reality was not functional to my desire to be the victim of the situation nor having been a special part of his life, but just the same as his new partner and I rather be special and stand out in the experience of condescension than seeing myself as equal in dysfunctional treatment

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up an idea about what process is and the kind of person that should result out of such a process, such as a 'holier than thou' personality, all accepting, all embracing, when in fact this idea clashes with this physical reality and what I will have to do to take on every single abuse and abusive stance both from myself and others which may mean I might not be nice at times as in 'system acceptable' and I must be Ok with this and I will be OK with this only if I don't make up ideas, beliefs and opinions about what some kind of character/personality resulting from process should be like, as that would end up standing in the way of who I must be in each and every moment of breath as self expression with only one purpose which is to realign myself to oneness and equality and what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and hurt when my ex said 'it is so unpleasant talking to you' because I felt I should have been the one saying that and didn't and as I gave up a chance to hurt him when I had the right to, because he is REALLY unpleasant to talk to, instead of seeing and realizing I was taking our habitual pattern play out personally - believing that what he said was true just because I could use this point to engage my backchat about him being a real asshole and myself being right in an attempt to not feel diminished while I failed to see that I could have just noticed what he said, not take it personally and see that we were moving into the usual pattern of trying to score over one another and not participate, not in defeat as I did, but as a choice I exercised as self directive principle of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he left -even though I saw I should not have called my mother because I was in a reactive state, to call anyway, sure that she would provide a reason for me to be 'rightly' upset, which she did, and for then making her the source of my irritation as I wanted to dismiss and brush off what happened with my ex in fear that I would tell myself 'I have not changed' just because I had a slip and within this for judging myself as bad and ineffective, attempting to invalidate everything I have done so far so I would have an excuse to why I can't change since I proved that I did not change instead of acknowledging I have changed and had a slip and it's enough to stand up from here, self correct and keep walking

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe the feedback of someone who told me I should see my ex to test my application, when in fact I did not want to see my ex but this feedback matched  my belief of the kind of person I should build myself to be, all loving, all accepting, all embracing which is just another character, the 'post process Character' which is but another limitation and definition of myself as I should be/become, that stands in the way of me being here and self expressing in self trust in every moment of breath

When and as I See myself moving or about to move into self judgement about where I am in my process of self correction, I stop, breathe, do not accept myself to cast sentences on me as the ties that I will have to work through as ConSequences of what I accept and allow myself to define myself as

When and as I See myself moving or about to move into despair because I want to give in to  the belief that I have not changed and hence I should give up, I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to give into despair as that is just an attempt of me as the mind to  make me believe I can't change and I have to give up and I do not accept or allow me as the mind to dictate who I am and what I can or can't do

When and as I see myself facing the consequences of what I have created through my participation in back chats, thoughts, emotions and feeling, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am just walking through consequences and that I can remain stable as it is not the consequences of what I live that determine/define who I am but I am the one that decides and I decide I can walk through consequence and use the consequences as an opportunity to self correct in and as the stability of breath

I commit myself to no longer fear facing the consequences of what I have created, to accept where I am unconditionally and commit myself to walk through everything that I created in misalignment as Ego and self interest to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All, for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

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Day 242: Have you Kowtowed to Your Family Today?

Since one is required by Confucian philosophy to show great reverence to one's parents and grandparents, children may also be required to kowtow to their elderly ancestors, particularly on special occasions. For example, at a wedding, the marrying couple was traditionally required to kowtow to both sets of parents, as acknowledgement of the debt owed for their nurturing. KowTow (Wikipedia)

One week ago, last time I saw my mum we had a chat.

This time when she said "I'm so glad we had this Honest chat and cleared things up and isn't it wonderful to be able to talk?", I felt a point of irritation.

The point was relative to the fact that Self Honesty should be Normal and I am now becoming aware of all the times she points it as flags of how abnormal our relationships have always been.

Today I listened to the Anu's talk 'Love and Hate' which was specifically about Family and Friends relationships and how much Hatred exists in every household, I did not react to that at all, I was always aware of this point within my family, some of the things that went on when I was a child and later on could be called Love only by demented psychopaths and yet we keep the games up, we tell each other 'is your family after all' AS IF that should count for something, which in fact it does, it counts for all of us as a collective keeping up the lies, pretending that everything we do within the Family is laced with good intentions even when it's clearly not so.

Two weeks ago during Christmas lunch and then during this 'most honest chat' three things came up, the first was when my mum praised me for having become thrifty, as if I had a choice in the matter, to which I responded that I am thrifty ONLY because I am not turning Money and she replied 'oooh what a silly joke you just made, you are walking a very dangerous line', we both understood immediately what she meant, which was 'I won't give you the half of the house money if we sell it IF I am afraid you may spend it on something I basically do not approve of'. I felt myself flush and then worked to not reply, obviously through my old friend, suppression and a bit of breathing too.

Two days later on the phone she made a joke about this ex boyfriend that came back to my 'Mind' who lives in Ireland and she had already given me a speech about 'equality' -yes because parents//family are so fucking clever, they'll find the new language you are aligning to and then proceed to use it against you- specifying that the next partner I should choose would have to contribute 'equally' to the household, for those who lack the experience to translate mother's language this means 'he has to pay his fair share, whatever you do' this rose from a point of fear because when she asked 'what does he do' and I said he told me he writes and writes song, she moved into calculating the monetary equivalent of his lifestyle and was not satisfied with it, as artist equals penniless and as we know, parents are the first upholders of the Money System or honestly, how would we learn all this Money Crap without their help?

Of course she was not satisfied that I got the message, so during one of our phone calls she went back on the topic and said '..because I am not selling MY house to support a musician of any sort', here something interesting happened, because I did react but I was not sure to what, at the moment I thought I reacted to her fucking endless interference and applied self forgiveness for it until I felt cleared.

But, when we had our 'honest chat' and she raised the point of the joke I made about not having REALLY turned into a thrifty scrooge, I said 'honesty for honesty' that I didn't enjoy the joke she made either as that made me feel that I am always dependent on getting this fair share of the house only if she approves of what I do, which is unacceptable, she denied making that joke, she said she THOUGHT about it but was very careful to not voice it out, I told her since I am no Mind reader and I heard it you must have voiced it out and then deleted the fact that you did, like so many of our exchanges which contributed to me thinking I was just crazy and attempting to develop less "crazy-no crazy" personalities to make up for my flaws both in memory -obviously, since no one was ever accountable for what they said, while blaming each other for making it up, not hearing right, or not having a sense of humor -my very favorite- and within the interactions with Family.

Then she said 'well if we talk about nasty jokes I made another one you may not have picked up on' and I said 'which one?' And she said the one about 'selling MY house...' then it dawned on me, I knew I reacted but I had not seen the loaded meaning, the Intent to harm, when she said that I felt a moment of deflating inside, like the castle of cards of family goodness and protection rolling and tumbling once more, because let's face it and I can gladly say I have done this for years, Families are plain Nasty, they just have different degrees of Nastiness and different weapons.

My mum's and the rest of my family was always MONEY, but hei, wait a minute, isn't it the same for us all, aren't we all keeping each other Prisoners of this fucking Money System and it must start within the Family, where else?

During our honest chat she proceeded as well to remind me that, when I bought my first tiny apartment in Milan, she anticipated to me the equivalent of 8000 euros of today, this was 25 years ago, she said it was all the Money she had and that I never thanked her for giving me that Money because I believed that I gave it back when in fact I gave back only the money of the absurd mortgage she had me subscribe that charged me the equivalent of 280 euros when I was earning 320, she made that choice on my behalf so I would have paid less interests (?) which drove me to not being able to repay it AT ALL and have to go and work as a live in nanny in a rich Jewish family to make sure my living costs would be covered, that someone would feed me and pay for electricity, gas and water and when she was satisfied that I "suffered" enough, she gave me the money to extinguish the mortgage so I could return to a 'normal ' life of office slavery and go back to my home in the evenings. I paid back every penny of that, we seem to agree on that point.

Apparently I forgot to tell her Thank You, for the advance money that she never asked back, what a fucking Shame! So I said Thank You for the nth time, it just seems that this Thank You doesn't stick, no matter how many times she brought up this point and I said I was sorry for not remembering THAT point and Thank You, because come on, there was Money involved and when Money is involved you are asked to subscribe to Slavery forever, starting with families, and they plan and plot on how to never let you go, they willingly hold on to credits to make sure they can one day remind you 'everything they did for you' which has a value in the Debt/Credit system, and the awesome beauty of it, is you have to live in FEAR because only they know when they plan to call back the Credits and use them against you, to push you back into your Debtor position, to turn you into a living IOU to keep you toeing the line, unless you see that they are just looking for your kowtow and your acceptance of your subordinate position within the Family System and then the Outer Bigger System within the Money Game.

It would be better if we realized the Family point, if we found the balls to challenge our relationships within the Family to see them for what they really are, they are a breeding ground for Slaves, not a Safe Haven, not the Solace from an unjust World,  Families is where the Architects of Control have been delegated by the System to pass on our limited views of reality, to make sure nothing changes. 

My Mum kowtowed to my grandparents for Money and those Imaginary well documented Filial debts, shouldn't she ask I do the same, when is Her turn if not Now?

It is up to us to break those chains forever more, if it's too late for our parents we can still make it and break those links to not allow the dis-ease that Humanity has become to be passed on, we break the enslaving chains of dis-eases deleting all ledgers of Credits and Debts within Our Inner to change the Outer to Let Life Break Free, once and for All.

Self forgiveness to follow tomorrow with Self Corrective Statements.

Day 238: Concerned about what I share

This is a new one, sort of.

Since a month ago someone from my past came back into my life -not really- but came back into my head.

And now everything I post gets first screened for approval to see if it's acceptable or not, if it will rock the boat too much and even to send 'subliminal messages' hoping some hints are taken, so that I don't have to speak up or say what is it that I am really going through.

This clearly showed me that I still very much care about what others think of me, I was just idle for a year or so since there was nobody left around me whose opinion I cared for, everyone had just upped and left where I had not been the one to do that first.

Of all the people that can read my Facebook page, for a while I was concerned with my ex husband, I feared the label of 'nutcase' for the Annunaki Reptilians stuff I posted, which is CRAZY -not even remotely as the things we believe at the moment about our creation important to note-, because I fear the association with anything connected to the Reptilians due to my own judgements of the Reptilians story the first time I heard it, when I bent in two in hysterics thinking THAT was the stupidest thing I ever heard, a race that created us as slaves to mine gold, come on people, a race so advanced to be able to fly around and land on planets at leisure, couldn't they come up with some sorts of robots to do that work, who would take a race and try to change their DNA (and how??) and then make them mine gold for them, and couldn't they get an alternate source of energy than gold, so many holes in that story, they just compounded to make the Russian yoga teacher that shared it with me seem more like a Space Cadet than she ever did before.

When I met Desteni therefore I had to drag myself through my own self created and then self inflicted sense of ridicule for quite some time and never really sorted it out.

I know the Annunaki Reptilians piece is one I find the most embarrassing to be associated with, even today, not because what they share doesn't make sense, far from it, Anu's interviews are on top of my list of Amazing things I learned in this Lifetime, but just because of what I have not cleared within me yet, this became painfully clear when I wanted to share a piece on Capitalism with a guy on the Economics thread and I went all the way to posting it into another of my blogs which is more anonymous, in fear that if the page opened on the Reptilians interview, EMC, EMS and myself would be dismissed as foolish and plain insane, that the point of the Reptilians would be abused to Not Hear and not even consider what was shared.

I even redid my blog removing all their interviews, I posted the other 'acceptable' interviews on Eqafe, the ones people can relate to more easily and there they can find the Reptilians as well.

Of course this added an extra layer of friction, as this point has moved through me in different phases:

Phase 1: the Ridicule phase - secretly laughing about myself

Phase 2: The Fear phase, what will people think

Phase 3: The "In Your Face" phase, I have got balls I'll share ALL the Reptilians stuff, watch me

Phase 4: Ex boyfriend on radar - what will he think of me, can I stand being a nutcase again, what if he doesn't like me/want me anymore, what if he wants to disassociate from me

Phase 5: Monitoring my posts, activate secret policeman to watch each post and 'imagine' my 2 new/old FB friends reactions, seek "meaning loaded" posts to share to shape ex boyfriend into new potential boyfriend I can hook up with

Phase 6: Shame

Phase 7: Suppression

Phase 8: Fear that sharing EMS and EMC on a page with Reptilians interviews will be scuffed and derided

Phase 9: Revamping my Blogger site to delete All traces of 'weirdness'

Phase 10: Self Disgust

Phase 11: Writing it all out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the Russian yoga teacher told me the Reptilian story based on a group trying to reactivate our lost DNA, to laugh and laugh and secretly ridicule her for her beliefs, because I thought' how convenient, to blame this fucked up world and our existence on imaginary brain damaged reptilians that couldn't come up with a better solution to dig out their gold than twist our DNA that resulted in the fuck ups we are today

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when considering the Reptilian story tell myself that such an evolved race would have come up with something smarter, something like robots to do their dirty gold job, failing to even consider that we may be the robotic creations of such a plan

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, whenever the word robot, robotic, automaton comes up relative to Humanity, to move into resistance as I don't want to be associated to a robot, robotic Creation or automaton because that makes me perceive myself as diminished, "less than" what I liked to believe about myself and humanity and our inherent -although invisible - greatness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was in the Taliban phase of Desteni, moving to obsess everyone around me with my 'discovery' of the Matrix, to share this information with my ex husband and when he replied to me 'The Matrix is NOT real, get a grip on yourself', to feel ridiculed and diminished and unable to explain HOW it was in fact real because I had spent evenings chatting with him after we watched 'The Matrix' movie to prove that it was In fact impossible to be living inside an engineered reality due to technical limitations, such as data storage, failing to see we were addressing this point from our own limited understanding of reality and how it all worked without considering the Creators' ability to manage the points we saw and deemed unmanageable without us 'sniffing out the truth of it all'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, first seek approval and support from those around me about this incredible story that made so much sense to me I had to share it and when that didn't happen and I perceived people shying away from me, to isolate myself and push away everyone else that may be a source of ridicule for myself as I sat imagining the kind of conversations my ex friends would have about me, just as I had about the Russian yoga teacher and the reptilians story and for gossiping about my Russian friend and ridiculing her about 'her' reptilian's theory, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand, that the reason why I ridiculed my Russian friend was because I feared knowing anything about this reality that may contradict my belief in the Benevolence of it all that I had managed to hold on to in the face of Reality as the evidence that there could be no benevolence in this creation of Inequality and Suffering and a God/Universe/ White Light that expected anyone to go through unspeakable life experiences for the Glory of....., and for submitting myself to fear as a way to not take responsibility for this creation as mySelf, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I met Desteni, fear that I would be forever changed by the information they shared and fear what I may come to learn about ourselves and this reality and within this fear to build up resistances to some information about the evident robotic nature of ourselves to the point of moving into reactions that I would suppress every time the words robot, robotic, automaton were written somewhere because I feared the experience of myself as diminished, belittled, dwarfed in the face of the truth that I never lived and that everything of me that I came to believe to be true was in fact a lie

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgement of others of me as a nutcase because I had been travelling and embracing many belief systems that I had successfully sold to others such as Law of Attraction, but I could not see how was I going to sell THIS ONE, as I projected on others my own fear of learning about this reality and the true nature of ourselves, even though I had already come to some obvious realizations about Humanity, such as the one that we are having Personality Disorders as the foundation of our interactions, and for believing that it is important that I sell a Theory to someone else to make it valid and true, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, instead of going to the root of my Fears relatively to these information, suppress it and create another Personality to handle it all, The" Bold In-Your-face- Personality, through which I mustered the courage to share the amazing Reptilians interviews, not from the starting point of sharing what I had found supportive, but from a 'screw you' starting point, to prove to myself that I could do it, that I had the balls to share what I came to learn was true and that other should learn as well so I could have their support and approval and feel good about myself again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when B and T contacted me and I felt the past showing up, to move into fear about what I shared, fearing that what I shared was not acceptable to be considered 'normal' or 'worthy of attention' and that if I did continue I would be labelled a nutcase or someone belonging to a cult, and instead of unraveling what was going on within me, I activated the policeman in my head to whom I would first ask approval before I posted to make sure what I posted was acceptable and I wouldn't have to face consequences from my posting, such as being ridiculed or being dropped for 'no longer being interesting -or sane' and for accepting and allowing myself to be driven by fear and the desire to be accepted, valued and considered sane in what I have been sharing now for a month, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized I was monitoring my posts through a policeman in my head, to move into shame and instead of addressing the shame to proceed to suppress it, pretending it wasn't there, just like the policeman in my head, because I feared the judgement of myself as weak and a man's puppet seeking for approval in the hope that I may get a relationship going for me if I didn't seem too insane or 'too out there'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when debating Equal Money Capitalism and Equal Money System on the Economics thread on Facebook and when wanting to share some writing about why we are not considering the system we live in, to realize I had fears of associating the information on EMC and EMS to Reptilians and for considering changing my whole Blog format before addressing the fears driving me to this point, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a wimp for changing my Blog format instead of seeing that it may make sense to not create additional friction in those who are attempting to consider a new system of Governance and that instead of judging myself as a wimp, I could have looked at this point practically putting myself in the shoes of another, asking myself if I could have handled both the information about a new system and the truth of who we are at the same time and that if I came to the understanding that it may be more beneficial to lead others as mySelf to Eqafe and allow them to work out the information at their own pace, I could have done so, not as a wimp but as a self directed decision about what is best for all and not what is best for me to either cover up or pacify my fears and that this is the point why we are pushing to move beyond Reactions, emotions and feelings, so that we can CLEARLY see what needs to be done and just move to do it, beyond self judgements and beyond energetic as positive/negative/neutral driven actions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not clear myself over this point for almost a month and for allow it to build up until I could no longer trust that what I was doing was in alignment with what is best for all because I did not take the time to clear myself enough to stand stable and move as self direction in the most effective and supportive way for all and for this, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into checking in my mind through a Secret Policeman what I am about to do, I stop, breathe, bring myself back here, do not allow my decisions to be driven by secret energetics within me in fear of judgement, self judgement or desires to be liked and accepted, instead I make sure that I am clear before I post what I want to share with others in alignment with what is best for all

When and as I see myself having doubts about what I have decided to do, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I am having doubts I am not Here, because when I have been here in and as Breath I have just done what seemed common sense to me and if I am having doubts I first need to bring myself back here in and as Breath and if the doubts persist, I shall sit down and write down what is going on within me that stands in the way of my clarity before I act in and as Self directive Principle

When and as I see myself fearing that what I am about to do may have undesired consequences, I stop, breathe, assess if the undesired consequences I am fearing are real or just imagined through one of my personalities and when I am clear and stable I act in and as Self directive principle

I commit myself to no longer be concerned about what I share as I see realize and understand that when I am here in and as Breath, stable, not driven by any reaction, emotion or feeling, I am able to assess the outflows of what I am doing and evaluate the benefit of sharing vs the benefit of not sharing and to breathe before I act to make sure nothing drives me that is not mySelf as Self directive principle in alignment of Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

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Day 234: Who is Screwing with my Memories?

I have been on this planet for almost half a century.

But I have only about 1 month worth of memories under my belt, meaning, if I had to sit down and bring up my whole life in as many details as possible, it would take me 1 month, IF I could stretch it that far.

Would that be a Life Not worth remembering?

This point of my faulty memory bank always bothered me, where did my memories go, why can't I recall the totality of my Life in detail, my interactions with others in detail, was there something valuable in that iper-giga-byte package that I dumped somewhere that I should be able to recall, what if there was and if there was why would I let it go. How can I learn from a past I can't recall in detail?

I guess those questions just bothered me up to a certain point in my life, together with others like 'where do I come from' and 'why am I here', my culture didn't offer much support in answering those question, we had God and he had a plan, not that he cared to share it, it was like being employed for a job for which no one received instructions weird to say the least, but everyone seemed to think it was normal and as it was designed, kids soon or later cave in. I did.

I moved easily onto the 'we live multiple lives' vs the one life offered by the Catholics, come on, if I were to live just 1 life I would have great memories to treasure of this 1 unique experience, plus it must take multiple lives to learn a lesson that you don't know what it is, it wold be like going to school and always waiting to be tested on something that everyone was careful to not talk about.

As I picked and chose beliefs to align with, I went with the 'we are here to learn lessons' theory, I read somewhere that the world is divided in just so many types of beliefs to explain our Earthly experience:

The Lesson Theory - this includes reincarnation

The Love of God Theory - this was pretty unbelievable

The 3d Playground- this came later as I embraced the New age beliefs of Love and Light

There was a great list I read and can no longer find, as I asked Google 'Why are we here' I saw that there are 669.000.000 results, do we have as many opinions about 'Why are we here' or has the question been asked so many times, like 10% of the world population or almost everyone who has access to Internet asked this question, I don't know. This number surpasses everything else I have ever searched for, it must be something that bothers us deeply.

For myself, I chose the first theory, the lesson theory and when I used to try and push it on my ex -very scientifical minded- husband, he would argue that noone could be here to learn a lesson from a previous life they could not remember. hard to argue with that, not that I wouldn't try and then conclude with 'you just always look for evidence, why can't you just believe we are all part of a bigger plan?' he would not answer but the reply that always lingered between us was 'because this fucking alleged plan makes no sense at all'.

Today I listened to Anu's Interview no 119 "Memory and the Soul as The Creator Intended", which basically answered all of the above questions -the one of the Why has been explained in many other of his interviews- and 2 main points came up, a first point just plain old fashioned visceral Anger, because it seemed unfair to come here without an Instruction Manual, living on a Planet where everyone was separated from their Mind and the extensive lack of responsibility for it, just to learn from those that went before, making it the perfect closet in which one ass-umed could go and rant and rave and store there all kind of shit, understanding that the line between Good and Evil was just to Not do the things one thought about, looking at the world, wasn't  that fucking good enough?

This was a big point, the point of wanting to just get to some desolated lanes and kick the walls and scream and shake my fists up to Heaven, and it did not go away and I will deal with it through Self Forgiveness here below, but the next point that came up as I suppressed this anger -because it was just not appropriate to display it on public transport and no desolated isolated lanes were in sight-, a second point emerged and was just disheartening and overwhelming and triggered a lot of Shame, the point was that we don't remember because we just can't handle what we have done and how we have, deliberately or by default, impacted each other lives and the consequences we created through the way we lived.

Anu said as well that he thought about allowing humans to see the future to see the consequences of their behaviour so they could change and that humans would respond in 3 ways, one of which was My Way, which was to isolate myself and reduce to a minimum my interactions with others, not because I saw the future, I just saw the looping of my behaviors and simply because didn't know how to stop creating consequences and by a certain point in time forward  I became clear about the point that I was only living consequences and the consequences my interactions with others had, and I feared that I was only able to do that, to move like an elephant in a porcelain shop, damaging everything I came in touch with, even when not intending it, a movement of my tail would do and something would be broken irreparably forever.

In an attempt to release myself from the responsibility of the words I have carelessly spoken or even worse, intentionally, deliberately spoken, to harm, to damage, to hurt, I tried to disown and take a distance from the power, from the substance of my words, I denied that words had any meaning at all, I said and argued that words were just empty vessels that everyone filled with Their Own Crap, and in this I tried to remove any MEAN-ing from the words I spoke, to make them in-substantial hoping that since I could not stop shooting, at least I would, by my own choice, force myself to just shoot blanks and limit the damages that I seemed devoted to pursue.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to store an image of myself trying to remember a specific point, moment, dialogue, interaction and when failing being puzzled and confused about it until I accepted that this happens to all, we just don't remember the details of our lives because it's MEANt to be this way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to store an image of myself being asked by my mother, my grandparents, my friends, my partners 'don't you remember?' and for feeling ashamed and bad about not remembering in full what I had said or done, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was a reason and a bigger plan about why we were here and were supposed to learn lessons suppressing the questions about why if I was supposed to learn a lesson I could not remember which points I was supposed to correct about myself and wasn't that weird

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this was a 3d playground, denying the physical and embracing ideas and beliefs and opinions about it, so I could stop asking myself why there was so much suffering in the world and embrace the idea that we chose our lives, even when this point was clearly not sustainable because I wouldn't choose some of the lives the 'less fortunate' are living on this planet EVER

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to believe in the benevolence of this creation because I believed I could not live with the truth that a world such as this cannot be benevolent and that if I existed in the image and likeness of God I should be as non benevolent as he was and I feared seeing myself as Evil

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there must be a reason for our life on earth and that the reason must be benevolent, even in the face of the majority having a negative experience, just because I could not face the point that there is nothing benevolent either in this creation or in ourselves and that we were living the consequences of something that had gone terribly wrong and that I could not remember and I feared this point of not being able to either remember or work out 'why am I here'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when hearing Anu's interview about memory and how it was used and how we were used just like stupid dumb puppets, to feel an extensive all consuming visceral existential anger and then look for reasons to validate it because what was done was unfair and NOT the best way to support us to change at all and for believing I had a RIGHT to my anger I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when hearing Anu's explanation of the hows and why and then feel the existential all encompassing visceral anger, to desire to dwell in it because it was a rightful anger regardless of the fact that I am aware that emotions and feelings as reactions mean that I am in fact the very prisoner of the Mind for the creation of which I would still like to blame Anu as I fear I won't be able to face myself as this creation and for this fear I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame Anu for this Creation because I rather blame than take self responsibility, draw a line on everything that happened and forgive myself and all involved equally and start from here to rebuild a world that I am proud to live in and for having chosen once again blame over self responsibility I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that some anger is just too rightful to not participate in, that if I did not participate in such a righful anger I would be abnormal, subnormal, because anger is the normal response pattern to something that I myself judge as outrageous and unforgivable instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is one of the moments where I choose who do I want to be, a rightfully angry person, which means I am not real as I participate in mind construct which have no relation to the physical world if not for sucking out the life of myself and everyone else, or stop and decide I will not give into this anger because it's just a disempowering failsafe to prevent myself from moving consistently out of the Mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to set triggers for anger for myself such as my own judgements of something as 'outrageous and unforgivable' and for judging what Anu did as outrageous and unforgivable so I could move into my 'rightful anger' I forgive myself 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame Anu for this creation, when in fact The Mind is nothing but a filing cabinet in which everything about my Being-ness has been neatly organized and that I can only stop fighting with my Mind and align with it as we together as a partnership walk out of this mess we created while living life in separation from each other and everything that exists

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt the moment of visceral anger take over my body instead of breathing and stopping immediately, go with it, because it was a chance to ride an energy rocket of too much of a magnitude to just be discarded for Breath, and for making my visceral anger more importand and de-light-full than Breath, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I felt the moment of visceral anger coming up, instead of taking responsibility for it and realizing this existed in and as me, to look for an external point I could rightfully project it on, because I could, and within this perpetrating this behaviour of rightful blame because I could I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I listened to the following interview about how we all have to give up what we treasure for this 1 life, to still stand as a point of conflict in my Mind with Anu seeking WHAT did He give up that was important to see if we were giving up things of Same Value, and for -upon hearing he had accepted to do these interviews and walk this process, to think 'NOT ENOUGH' and for thinking 'Do you even realize what fuck up you created down on earth, it is your Duty to fix it' and for not wanting to equally take the same responsibiity and thinking he should give up more than me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw that I was lost into a pattern of anger and rightfulness and retaliation, instead of stopping and breathing myself out of it, to keep going because All those emotions combined felt better than the shame that I felt when I realized the point of memory and why I can't remember the whole details of my life, and for feeling an existential visceral shame that I tried to cover up and blur with all the crap I participated in today and for believing all these emotions to be real, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized I was creating a life of consequences for myself and all the ones that came in touch with me, to move into guilt, shame and self blame and to attempt to remove myself from existence by embracing isolation, hoping that if I didn't interact with others I could limit the damages that I saw I was doing through My reckless irresponsible participation in and as The Mind in separation from existence and everything that is Here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dwell into the guilt and shame of the life of consequences I created for myself and others, instead of, when I found the tools to correct myself, get on with the self correction letting go of the past that I lived when I did not have the tools to take responsibility for myself and even less for mySelf as the whole, and for believing that I have not suffered enough for what I have done I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace a life of suffering in the hope to even out the books, even now that I see that I can correct myself and for believing that this is not enough and that suffering should be the way to go, and for imposing this suffering on myself and others Equal and One, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I heard the reason why most of our memories are not available to us, to feel a surge of shame and for realizing that it was true and that even though I had no access to the memories, I accessed the shame of my own behaviour and held on to it in fear that if I let go of the shame, nothing of me as what I have done and what I have existed as would remain, and for fearing to lose myself even in the face of a life unworthy to be lived I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I had access to all the minute details of my interactions with others I would be in such state of dismay that I wouldn't have been able to function and that there was a point of mercy in not making our memories available to us, within the malevolent plan of this creation, but that the point of not remembering the details doesn't exempt me from the responsibility to change, because I don't need the gory details of what I have done so far, I have a pretty clear picture of the overall ad that is good enough to walk my change consistently out of the Mind to stop this separation of mySelf from Self as All of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself seeking to retrieve a specific memory, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what I need to walk my process is Here as me  and that I have clear access to my reactions as thoughts emotions and feelings and in self honesty I can address them one by one until I stand stable in and as Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into existential anger I stop and Breathe, see realize and understand that when I access anger I have blamed or I am about to blame someone else for where I find myself now and that if I do, I abdicate my ability to respond Here not as a product of my Past but as the Directive Principle of Myself in and as Breath

When and as I see myself desiring to suffer as a way to even out the books, through thoughts, memories, emotions and feelings, one way or another, I stop and breathe, see realize ad understand this is a Character I made up so I could feel good about myself for imposing on me the same suffering I believed I had been responsible for and that a Character has no power to change because it's  just one of my Powerless Creations to distract myself from the consistency required to walk myself into stability and an honorable life that works for mySelf as Self as a whole, once and for All

I commit myself to let go of the past and to stop looking for my missing memories as the reason why I can't change, I see realize and understand that what I need to walk as change is Here as me and that memories are not the support I need to change nor are they the key to change, I Am the Key to Self change and I can walk this change one breath at the time back into realignment to Oneness and Equality for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

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Day 215: The Gangster's Moll - Character

I spoke before about where I grew up being a rough neighborhood, rough as in Crime prone, where violence was palpable even on the days it didn't erupt into anything visible.

It was present within the families as well.

I am not clear on when I stopped trusting the system, it must have been early, what impressed me as a kid was the hypocrisy of everything, people said something but meant something else, or did something else and this applied to the system at large, Church in particular.

The people going to Church were the scariest to me, I had witnessed there the biggest evils, the violence in a way seemed more honest, that was what everybody felt, caged and enraged within a system of inequality and confined in government projects without hopes for their future.

I was an hybrid there, I had one foot into the system of privileges that a private education was granting me and a foot on the streets.

But while I was not clear if my education privileges would ever take me anywhere, the Gangs people of my neighborhood, had arrived 'somewhere', they had cars and big houses to show that and above all, they commanded Respect.

I soon became attracted to men who I perceived had some sort of power, the Alpha males so to say, of course every Alpha follows their own Alphabet, so if you are a Alpha male in a crime neighborhood, you must be the top dog within a Crime "bloodline" or close, or somehow you had to be regarded with respect by them.

Of course at the time I did not understand this was born out of Fear, I lived with an eccentric mother who decorated our home in a cheap Victorian style, inside my home everything seemed fine, ceramic dogs and laces, the piano playing, she tried to put a thick layer between herself and the world outside of our door and only look for the 'good side of things' even in a neighborhood where there was no good, she turned our home into a magical kingdom of plants, some real and most fake to create the desired fake harmony, while I cultivated dreams to just get away from this underworld and move on up.

At the time I had no access to the world of "men with a future", those men didn't roam our neighborhood if not briefly to come and pick up drugs or other illegal stuff, so the closest I could dream about moving up was either to leave Italy, that in itself would be a move up because in my imagination nothing could top Italy in the lower realms -and boy was I wrong- or just join the gangs.

The Gangs were Male dominated, the entrance into the power world of the Gangs would have been only through affiliation with a Boss, hence the importance of grooming and be beautiful, because men would pick women out of their shit holes to mate with them and if the women were good at holding on to the goodies, relationship could be formed, just for sex of course, but the goodies of women were the only weapon to guarantee an entrance into the forbidden world of men and power.

No wonder we made of prostitution the oldest job in the trade, it was The Only Job we could see and have access to that would give us some Equal footing in terms of Money as Power.

The first time I watched the Godfather I came out of the movie theatre Awestruck, I was a teenager, by then the only 2 powers I had identified were the Church and the Police, The Godfather became a cult movie for me, much like 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show" for some, minus the costumes, because to be a powerful Mafia person you only needed normal clothes and a load of money. That would become my idea of what real Power is, which when I translate it today would be to scare others more than they scare you, to be the top scary dog and so I often dreamed of being the Gangster's Moll, which in some ways is a Character that even though I have not lived in it's potential, I have lived in all its nuances.

What I liked about Gangster's Molls was that they were strong chicks, yes they were maintained by a man, but that didn't diminish their fieriness, their feistiness, that role would suit me fine, I felt the fiery in me and I did not know where to place it because men liked sweet wimps, or so it seemed, and so the search for the top dogs of my life began.

This led me to a lot of less than satisfactory relationships, as many top dogs are just that, dogs, that is the role they play, so wanting the exclusivity of an exclusive man was always a struggle in itself. My first success was my Irish boyfriend B., my first love, he had a Fun Fair and he was the middle son of a family of Gypsies, we would say today, people with no fixed abode, he had fair eyes -I just listened yesterday to Anu's interview about physical traits, haha, the FREE spirit I though I was- was in a band and all women wanted him, plus he had the respect of his staff, he wouldn't refrain from fighting hard and he was jealous, all good traits in my book, the jealousy was important because it warranted me unconditional safety. As a kid I had been bullied by boys, taken to the cellars and asked to take my clothes off or I would be beaten and had just been saved by the bell when my mum walked downstairs to store the bycicle away, but the fear staied, that a group of men could always overpower me in a cellar or in a courtyard and I discovered that men in a group will always do what the 'leader' said, so I wanted to get me a leader, because he could tell the others 'leave her alone', she is my Babe.

On this note I found interesting that things that offended other women, I longed for instead, I loved being called a Babe, Baby, I loved that a man would say 'I'll take you there' or 'Come here', and when I got married and my ex husband didn't play this role for me I felt forgotten and unsafe. The first time he said 'I don't like to say 'I'll take you there, you are not 'a thing'' I could not understand what he meant, such was my desire to belong to a man, I wanted to be a possession, I wanted to be possessed, in every way.

So tomorrow I will walk the Fear, Thought, Imagination, Backchat/internal conversation/ Reactions (Emotions/Feelings)/ Physical Behaviour and Consequences of this Character I have created, because on the coming back of B. and our long chat, when we kinda role played with this Character I felt a reaction of wanting to go back in time and re experience that sense of empowerment through disempowerment, if that makes any sense at all, I wanted to be the Babe, the Doll, the woman he wanted and craved next to him no matter how fiery and dangerous I have proved to be, but I could not bring myself to engage it in full, I have slipped out of some of my addictions and now I can't find the lever to press that brings out the Gangster's Moll suit in all its splendour but just what I perceive as a pathetic attempt to diminish myself, so I can belong and when he said 'Don't you ever Change' I felt the return to Reality of the 'Too late, I already did'.

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Day 150: Heaven Can't Wait

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a resistance to the truth of Our Creation because I don't want to hear or read something that doesn't make me feel good about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel good/positive about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a resistance within me regarding the word 'robot' because I have judged robot to be less than humans

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am less than a robot because I have not been able to program myself for what is best for all but just for what is best for me within self interest in fear and separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the word 'robot' applied to humans because robots are not alive and I want to hold on to the illusion that I am alive and not ali(v)e

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, whenever I sit down to read Heaven's Journey to Life, to desire to fiddle, get up and do something else, without wanting to notice the discomfort I feel every time I push myself to read, hoping that the discomfort would go away by itself and not having to face that I in fact hate facing the reality of what we have become which in my Mind is diminished to a machine like existence and not even a good one at that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach Heaven's Blogs as everything else I do, hoping that the discomfort will go away, denying that I feel discomfort and ultimately Suppressing the discomfort, because I don't see a common sense reason for my discomfort as I judge it as 'not logical' and I don't want to put in the time to look what is it that I have created that now has me kicking and screaming through the process of reading, but instead push for the kicking and screaming in the face of my discomfort just so as to not address how I experience myself in diminishment and shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when I read Heaven's blogs regarding the utter cruelty of this creation and for feeling angry that no one else shows the same resistance but gratitude, which seems to me as the Mind so fucking misplaced  because being led out of this mess is the very fucking least that the Creator should do for us, given that we have not come with an instruction manual or any sort of awareness of what it was that we were creating and how

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this Creation and the Creators and for not caring that it was the Atlanteans or the Reptilians or the Blueberry Muffins that got us where we are, and that I find disgusting that there was no awareness to start with regarding where this path was going to lead us in such a world and I want to blame them for where we are and hold on to my righteousness of 'you got us here now you get us out of here'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame the creators of this existence and for wishing that they were forced into it to experience what is it like to be stuck into a Mind Consciousness System and if they would be so cool and dandy then about being willing to swap places from where they have an overview of everything and how everything works, to the encaging of ourselves into thoughts, feelings and emotions that we are just starting to grasp that we can decide if we want to participate with or not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'they have it sweet' from up there in the clouds giving interviews on the hows and whys and for wanting them to pay for what they did, because we are not toys that could be created, wound up and set about a world just to produce energy for Heaven and there should not be any gratitude for this process because it is owed to us as part of each one taking responsibility for the fuck ups and getting us out of here and out of the delusion of separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that those that do something that I judge as 'wrong' should 'pay' for it, which is what plays out at the moment into our imaginary Justice System, where through opinions that we call Laws some get to pay for their imaginary wrongdoings and we all get to feel safer and happier about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to kick Anu through the Heavens until I won't feel this rage anymore but that we have proficiently squared the books

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to use logic to overcome my feelings and thoughts about this Creation, without seeing and realizing that my logic is not common sensical at the moment but a product of my mind, in which I will always desire to find the wrongs and right them, because as a Mind I live in and as polarity, and that until I live within the box of my own mind regarding this Creation point I won't be able to see the solution as me but only me as the problem and someone else as the solution to me as the problem

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that if I kept pushing all this would go away and I would not have to face this existential rage for this creation and the disgust for what it turned out to be, instead of facing my rage and take responsibility for it so I can clear it and move on through self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at this/my creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame another for this creation and within this I forgive myself that, through this simple act of blaming, I give my power away for myself as this Creation as I state that I am not response-able for it because it's someone else's mess and They should be the ones doing the cleaning up and not me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my power to the desire to not be responsible just because I no longer remember how I got here, and yet when I can walk myself through the 'how I got here' I don't want to, I resist it, because when I do walk the hows and I am then faced with the Truth of me and my responsibility for this creation I will no longer be able to blame it on another and I will have to stand absolute as a point that needs to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because I don't remember how I got here, this is enough to not make me responsible as I associate responsibility with knowledge and then with blame and then guilt and shame, instead of seeing self response -ability for what it is, not an emotion but a standing as a piece of this puzzle that decided to realign to oneness and equality and what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I did not have the same 'yeah, Heaven's Blogs' of the rest of the group as I compared my participation to the participation of others and judged myself as less and bad, because of my resistances and stubborn unwillingness to look at them, instead of just facing the point and realigning myself to the benefits that this information is giving us to clear the fog and support our process of equalization to existence as One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up ideas about what I can expose as something that I as the Mind criticize and what I cannot criticize within the group because I fear that some things are not up for being questioned and so my feelings and thoughts are not valid and have to be suppressed, instead of seeing and realizing my thoughts and feelings are showing me who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and there cannot be anything that is off limits as I walk my path to realignment or, like in this case, I postpone taking on a topic because of my own judgements about it, and then I have to drag myself through a task that I have seen as important just because I was unwilling to clear myself through self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I am unable to grasp Heaven's blog because my mind wanders many times through it, instead of seeing and realizing, my mind wandered because I allowed myself to pile up thoughts and emotions that distracted me that I did not clear up and that stood between me and the understanding of what was written in very clear terms for everyone to grasp, including myself

I commit myself to stop my existence as existential rage for this Creation as I see, realize and understand Rage comes up when I believe I am not in charge and therefore I "charge", instead I see realize and understand I am in charge of how I experience myself and the world around me and this includes Heaven's blogs

I commit myself to breathe through Heaven's blogs and be consistent in my readings so as to not pile up material that I then want to rush through to catch up and be up to date

I commit myself to, if and  as I see my mind start to wander, offering thoughts as diversion, to stop and breathe, keep reading without accepting the diversion so that I can read it once effectively and not 10 times to manage to align myself to the content which I could have gotten the first time without distractions

I commit myself to stop my fear of knowing the truth about me/Us and this Creation, because when I fear I am not Here and when I am not Here I cannot Hear what I read effectively.

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