Day 113: 'Give me the Love Saber and I will Change the World' Character

I had NOT consciously connected Love to Fear until recently through the investigation in Self Honesty of what emotions/feelings are and how they are connected within me as the experience of the word Love, at least not in/as awareness.

How I moved from Love as Fear to the 'Idea and BeLief' that Love could Change the World, is pretty unfathomable since fear cannot Change the World, this seems clear NOW, but at the time I only saw, or wanted to see the Power of Love, it was indeed a power to reckon with, It was Clear, if you spoke the 'L' word others would freeze, it was the Ace of Hearts, the Axe of Hearts, no one dared to look at it in Self Honesty and so the LOVE word would connect all of us to Fear and in Fear we would bow and submit, to each other and this 'Loving System'.

Saying to my friends 'I love You' became easy, I prided myself at how easy I could display my feelings, lying to myself about the fact that speaking the Love words made me vulnerable, because when the other knows about my Love, they can harm me, take advantage of me.

The amazing twist to this story is that the speaking the Love word was already the Harm, The Abuse, as I armed myself to not be confronted any more, hei come on, I spoke the Love word, anything you say after that that doesn't respond in Kind makes You Evil, can't you see, I'm All Loving Here, why are you hurting Me/intending to Hurt Me/Thinking about hurting Me ? What's wrong with YOU ?

So, the best place to take my Love practices would be the Love and Light playground, the disadvantage was that we played with even weapons as we were All brandishing the Love and Light Saber, yet the common playground allowed a sense of superiority, the having married a Higher Cause, BeCause Now I am gonna hit you right in the chest with the Light (and Love) and My Brothers in Arms will back me Up.

All for One and One for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the word Love as a weapon to instigate and pass on my Fears to Other beings and myself, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the dis-ease of the word 'Love- that my body manifested every time I heard it or spoke it, as a bunch of Fears would be summoned up and then suppressed as I pushed them down with Love and blinded myself with Light

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scheme the whens and hows to throw the Love word, as I unconsciously perceived the Power of it and would not waste it by throwing it around but would deliberately wait for the best time to use it for maximum effect and impact as I preyed on the Ones I wanted to Hook to me or have credits toward to ensure my Survival and Safeness within the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word Love with a positive Charge so that I could get the positive experience of myself within the word 'Love' as I spoke it or thought about it, regardless of the hints of dis-comfort that my body gave me with regard to this word that I was not able to identify as Fear or that I was not willing to identify as Fear, because it seemed the Last Word left that could possibly/potentially dispel All Fears and I did not want to give it up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when I spoke the Love word to someone and they did not return the favor so I would not be able to feel 'loved back' and I perceived myself as left in a waiting state to be validated as lovable and therefore valuable, instead of realizing I was waiting for myself to embrace myself unconditionally and Love in Waiting was my diversion to busy myself and not give myself what I sought outside of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being told 'I love you' because as I used this word to enslave and bend others to my desires and self interest, I feared what They had in mind that I may not have seen coming before they spoke the word Love, but that was now declared and out in the open as the point that they had an agenda too (and how disappointing that was) and that I had overlooked that point and was forced to see that I was just as much used as I wanted to use another with the Love Manipulation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if a woman spoke the Love word before than a Man within a relationship she exposed herself to being ridiculed and to showing her weakness as in the 'need to be loved for worth/value/validation', instead of realizing that men feared/fear this word just as much as we do, as the word Love is a declaration of both ownership and a credit that is now set on the table to be repaid that I myself hated for its unspoken load and then projected the hate for this word in separation from myself as the 'I saw You and what you were about to do' onto others' perceived manipulation/attempted manipulation of me, which was just the projection of my hidden intentions within the use of the word Love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to join the Love and Light brigade in a hope that if it were a bunch of us fuckers who were overtly/covertly manipulating people with the word Love, then it would be OK to do so, because together we could pretend better and when called out we could just stand and shout 'One for All, All for One' and call on our Brothers in Arms to stand up for the Case of Love as Goodness against the Forces of Evil as the Truth of what Love Really Is as FEAR

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put a sticker on my wall declaring and defining myself as a LightWorker, meaning that I was a Loving person, not to be feared as I worked for the Light and not the darkness of the Planet, failing to see how I supported both constructs as the Light and the Dark of existence, the Good I wished for and the Evil within myself that I feared and hoped to delete with Light and Love and that if I could con-vince others of my LightHood and LoveHood status maybe I could believe it myself and STOP fearing myself and others as a reflection of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear The Darkness of Me, wherein I defined as Darkness everything that was NOT of Love and Light, which was everything that was fearful and scary, which would have been most of my thoughts and the manipulative Characters that I played and that I did not want to own up to, as I wished to en-Light-en myself to move away, get over my Darkness so I could take a Breath and stop fearing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and to fear myself as Darkness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fail to See that what I feared and was running from was myself, as I could not, did not want to face the Darkness of what I planned and schemed to always be on top AND looking good within the lies of Love and Light, and that I was willing to give up the whole of Me as the Darkness of Me to keep up the Happy Lie of Love and Light and the absence of myself as Self Responsibility for myself and existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be told 'I Love You' even when I feared the Love Word for the manipulative implications of it, just to believe that the other was Good too, or seeking to be Good, or denying his/her own Darkness at least as much as I was, so together we could walk The Lie, pretending to be Good, denying to be Bad, being none the Good and the Bad but having to live with the damnation of the confinements of the Words we spoke and charged with positivity/negativity about ourselves and others, based on imprinting, morality, environmental definitions that we then went out and lived out and believed to be Who We Really Are, until we became them through and through and within this I forgive myself for forsaking The Truth of me for the LIE/Light of Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy and paste the use of Love from my family into the world, spreading the Fear that lives within and as the word Love by our own design, becoming the accomplished accomplish of this Crime against Life that Fear has been and become, being the Fear Monger of myself and existence Equal and One, and for this never ending Fear Mongering  Past I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live The Fear of Myself as the Fear of the World, projecting outside of me the Fear of Me, participating into turning this world into a fearful scary place in which everyone is out for themselves too busy with Survival to come back o the Equal Physical reality that we share to address the world and what needs to be changed within and without, to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word Darkness to Bad and to Fear and through my own De-finition and the acceptance and allowance of others' definition of the word 'Darkness' I ended up fearing Darkness itself, not wanting to get close to the Darkness of Me as something that is unknown and possibly not nice, without realizing and understanding that as Darkness is my Greatest Fear, it came before me, as the Add-vice, to Never Switch Off the Light, or we may incidentally see and realize the Darkness of ourselves as ourselves, that Home was always HERE and WE had been the wanderer of the Light Show and the Ones that decided before to wander off ,and we can decide NOW to Stop the Show and return all the Light as Energy back to the Earth, and Ourselves back to Darkness, Darkness as the Equality and Oneness of ourselves as Life in and as Breath, to put an end to the Separation and the Damn-Nation of Ourselves as The Puzzle of Existence we believe we have become and FEAR.

Where are the Cookies ? :)

Self commitment statements to STOP the existence of Me as a "Loving Person - Character" to Follow

Day 85: If God is my Shepard, am I a Sheep ?

Self Commitment Statement form previous post 'God is My Daddy'

I commit myself to stop my desires to be cared for as that would imply I need a caretaker and from there to God the step is small as I give away my responsibility to care for myself in and as self responsibility for myself and All, Equal and One

I commit myself to remind myself that when I desire to have someone bigger and more competent than me to care for me and my Life, such as a God/Universe, what I am actually accepting is that I am in fact NOT big enough or competent enough to care for myself as the Creator of my reality and I do not need to be Self Responsible for myself and the Whole as One, because I am just a small insignificant part of it, instead of seeing and realizing I can take care of myself standing in and as Self Honesty and Self responsibility, breathing myself back Here consistently and out of the Mind in which I am just the Creator of my own Characters and Delusions of Separation

I commit myself to stop my existence as the sheep Character that follows the lead of a Benevolent God/Universe, instead of learning to care and lead myself in Self Honesty through Self Directive principle as Life and What is Best for ALL

I commit myself to remind myself that any question or point such as 'I will be shown, get a clue, see the path' implies that I am not the Self Directive principle of myself but that I am relying on external 'signs' to tell me what to do and show me a direction, and that I am not seeking to be led by my own Self Created Characters who have shown to be the source of My Insanity leading me on Merry Go Rounds to nowhere for which I don't need to take responsibility, instead I commit myself to stand as self honesty as self directive principle for myself as Life and What is best for All

I commit myself to learn what Self Responsibility for myself and All means, facing the fact that I have never been self responsible but the opposite, following an imaginary God/Creator/Universe leading the way like an Imaginary sheep with the sole purpose to offload the responsibility for myself if something turned sour instead of living a Self responsible Life realizing my Oneness with All and the Consequences of my existence of separation

I commit myself to stop the Creation and the Support of Characters of Higher Being in and as me as the Mind, through my desires for not having to take care of myself and become a Self responsible Human being, seeing that what in fact I have always desired was for me to take responsibility for me, to stand as a self responsible human being for myself and All of existence Equal and One

I commit myself to show others what I myself realized, that we hold on to God/Higher Beings/Universe because we FEAR existence and ourselves and what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become and believed that having someone bigger and More Powerful in Charge would not be such a bad idea, yet this very belief is the abdication of our power to change and care for ourselves and others as One as Equal and that if we work on letting go and healing ourselves from our own self created fears, I/we can let go God and the Universe as my/our Guardians and Shepherds as I/we become Self Directive in re-aligning myself/ourselves to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to stop being a Sheep seeing realizing and understanding that as a Sheep I am part of the problem of the misled by our own Self Created God and Universe as the escuse to fuck up and not be Self responsible and not part of the solution as a Principled living Human Being standing for and as Life while walking my own correction and realignment to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my life of Fear of the Darkness of Me as Me,  which created my eternal searching for the Light, failing to see I myself created the Light as I separated from Who I really was as Darkness, fearing myself as separation from myself as the Whole and What I was willing to do to support the existence of myself as Energy fueled Imaginary Characters of my own creation, and I now stand to stop the existence of Me as Characters as the More of Me seeking for Energy as the More of Here, to see that I am All There Is, Here beyond the Characters that I mistook for Life and Living, failing to see that I was in fact consuming myself as Life which is Real for the Illusory trips of Energy which are Not real

I commit myself to Life for All as Me and to birthing myself as Life into the physical as the Creator of myself and existence, Equal and One

Day 10: Dreams as Clues

I have not had a 'feel good' dream for a long time, many years ago when I went to a strange doctress who was a surgeon and an astrologer she wrote a diet for me based on my birthday and place of birth, basically she aligned my nutrition to my preprogramming or DNA, it worked and even my dreams changed, so nutrition has an effect on our mental state, which reminds me I have to become more effective in addressing my diet point to support my body.

The dream I had last night was very vivid, yet as I came out of it because the phone rang, it slipped away a little, here is what I remember, I was on a cruise ship, sort of, going to Naples, I knew when we boarded that the ship could not go where we were supposed to go, which was underground, as it was too big and I knew something was wrong with the ship, it was an illegal ship, some of my friends were on board, at one point the ship stopped and we were asked to go inside a hole underground into a shitty boat into a shitty sea, it was dark and muddy underground, i remember I fell into the water, but not HOW, there was fear but not terror, one of my friend was calling me back to the ship, my ex best friend was in the back, my other friends showing that she was NOT a good friend after all, as they were the one concerned to get me back, while she was concerned but more about herself (this reflects my judgement of her after what happened between us).

I remember puling myself up from this water and sitting on a staircase that was coming out of it, the ship was too far away for me to reach and I did not want to get back into this dirty water, while I was sitting on the steps in the dim light I saw rats everywhere, some floating on the surface dead, and then there was one huge rat just behind my back, we were against each other, touching each other, I felt a movement and turned, a weird thing happened as I knew I was supposed to be afraid and disgusted but I was not, I had touched the big rat and felt the shiny slimy fur like surface of his wet skin, that motivated me to get back into the water and return on board of the ship.

Overall my impression was that I knew I was dreaming, that I knew there were clues to everything I am dismantling of myself, it had to do with fear and the realization of fear being a make belief and probably my desire like Maite wrote, to revert back to a Life of not knowing, the realization that after taking the blue pill everything has changed for good and there is no going back, and for now my Life is not yet working in the present, yet I have nowhere to go back to, the Darkness was everywhere, off the boat, in the water and back on the boat, it was like there was no real choice, to the point that when I went back on instead of feeling safe, I felt defeated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fear is Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dwell into resistance instead of keep moving and getting on with what needs to be done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I regret having taken the Blue Pill when I know regret has always been Here for what I have accepted ad allowed myself to become and taking the Blue Pill just made me aware of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Regret is what I fear when in fact I fear myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Darkness with bad/evil because in this association when I approach the darkness of Me I want to jump off the boat, only to discover that Darkness as Me as who I am is everywhere

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Darkness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that looking inside of me is like looking inside muddy waters when in reality looking inside of me is easy because everything of me is filed and categorized for easy sorting if I just dare to look at it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not know what I have learned because I feel my responsibility now is greater than the one of the ones that do not know and I feel it's unfair because some still get to enjoy their lives and I can't any longer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I desire the 'enjoyable life' that those that have no clue are living when I know for a fact that no one is having a good time since we share the same operating system of Fear and memories that needs clearing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more than the ones that don't know just because I am jealous of them for not knowing and having 'less' responsibility and so I try to bring them down to diminish them thinking 'they know fuck all'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire an ordinary Life without realizing there are no Ordinary lives but in the Movies and even there lately the shocking state of Humanity is creeping through like in 'Requiem for a dream', and what an appropriate title this is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling asleep because it seems I never catch a break, awake or asleep I just have to face myself and my fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push vivid dreams onto myself as a wake up call when I could be just a tiny little more patient and give myself clues during the day making the night a fear free zone to rest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as my friend One and equal as One that doesn't care after All because of the Life I have accepted and lived including spreading the bullshit of Law of Attraction, that said, I only had to worry about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of suppressed Fears, abusing myself as my physical body, never giving myself a chance to breathe and be Here in the simplicity of me as Breath in Self Expression, One and Equal with everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Mind is too vast and the waters are too murky for me to be able to see through the maze, while I am seeing every day more that the Maze is just another idea of myself yet it's the wrong definition within a perfectly organized filing system that offers clues and mirror reflections at every step I take

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this existence so much that I don't even want to look at it, to see myself reflected in and as it and where and how I need to stand in and as Self Correction

When and as I see myself going or about to move into a mental frenzy in which I tell myself 'it's too hard, it's too difficult, there is too much stuff to sort out', I stop, breathe, remind myself I am the one that has put away everything within me as the Mind Consciousness System and I have the tools to undo it and undo myself until I can stand clear and stable and rewrite me as what is Best for All

When and as I see myself trying to not go to sleep because I fear dreaming, I remind myself it's just me giving myself clues about points I need to unravel and one point at the time I can do it and walk equally with all the other that are in process like me

When and as I see myself fearing myself I remind myself Fear is not real, and I'm using Fear as a tool to not face myself when I have already discovered that nothing I feared was as big as I feared it would be, so better get on with the facing myself in self honesty, stand up and correct myself and keep walking

I commit myself to stop myself from existing as Fear and to investigate all my fears so I will be able to let them go and start living Here in Breath where Oneness and Equality is waiting to be realized by All, One and Equal.