It's been a long time since my last blog.
I have not gone away or given up or decided I am no longer walking a process of change with Desteni, not at all.
I have been walking some tough points - for me- in my physical life that had to do with my mum, with how to get back in control of my life without her so I could take care of myself, my mind and the things that were too hard to juggle with er in the way as I walked my process.
Basically I had to make a choice, keep my mother in my life, allow her to abuse me so she could feel better about herself or let go, understand that I could not change her life no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many parts of me I was willing to give up to please her, no matter how much I wished that we could heal together - it just did not happen.
The choice became process or relationship with my mother.
I chose process, aka, I chose myself.
This is not to say it is the right choice for everyone, it was the right choice for me.
If you have to spend all of your mental time dealing with someone who is mentally ill and lives to damage you, to put you down, to find reasons why slapping you in the face when you are over 50 is fine or someone that actually enjoys trying to make you dependent on her in every possible way, that struggles with you working toward your sanity because she has given up on hers, you will eventually come to a point where the choice is literally you - or her.
There are many taboos about going No Contact with your parents, I was born in Italy where religion intertwines with family, where the mother is a Virgin Saint that can make no mistakes because she does everything 'for your best interest' and she has what is best for you at heart.
If your mother/father is mentally ill, you will find that this is not actually true.
They live to harm you, not because they are evil, they are just sick.
They live in a Hell of their own creation and will not let you live in peace until you join them - trust me, I tried anything but she was way more creative than me to find new ways to torture me, I always did something wrong, wrong sentence, wrong memory, wrong tone, wrong look, wrong way to look at her or not look at her.
I lived for her approval that never came, I lived to see her healthy, peaceful, happy, so she could validate my existence -apparently- but I had to accept that this was not my responsibility, even when I put on 40 kilos of stress, left my money to her to manage so she would not be fearful of my alleged 'financial mistakes' to come, accepted that I should call her every x days (I always got the x wrong - too early, too late, wrong time), the unconditional love I longed for never came.
My mother is an undiagnosed malignant narcissist, please understand that every single one of us has personality disorders (hence why we are working to release our personalities altogether - ALL of them without exceptions are born of traumas and the inability to find a reason why the world is what it is and why the fuck we are even here in the first place, so we can safely say, every single one of our personality is SICK, evil, prone to damage others, dishonest and blameful).
I am writing another blog just about that, about mental health and why it is so important that we don't discount what is going on behind the scenes in apparently perfect families, where actually abuse is going on that can damage our children (because ALL the children of the world are Our Children - remember 'It Takes a Village') to a point were violence, lashing out at others, repeating the same mistakes, the same patterns imprinted in us by our sick ignorant parents are manifesting the world as it is and I will post the link of my other blog here.
But this will be a different blog, for those that are ready to go further into their Minds, for those that have walked enough process to understand that we need tools to change ourselves, that we need support to walk the least walked path of all, the path of Self Change, in this blog I will show HOW I came to realize what Self Responsibility is and how I overcame the fear of it, a deep rooted fear that self responsibility equaled Self Blame and why I had a deep misdirection about that specific word, that specific action that is required of me to enable myself to change for real.
When I started my process, thanks to Desteni and Bernard Poolman whom did not have an inch of refrain in calling us as humanity EVIL, I joined because I could feel the EVIL in me, I could see that what he said was true, I could see that I/we needed to change our ways and I processed this information in my own way, at my understanding of what Self Responsability meant at the time = Self Blame.
For years I had been really angry at my mother, when I finally had a chance to leave Italy I jumped on it and became a little healthier because I moved in a country where I could not smoke Pot, which had been my crouch for many years (over 13 by then).
The problem with that was that I had used pot to keep suppressed all the bad things that were going around in my head, I was not suicidal or homicidal but I was heavily depressed, completely detached from myself and anyone around me, dissociated from my own feelings and emotions as if they were there just by chance, as if I had not actually built all that shit up by myself because yes, my family life sucked, my mother was crazy and evil BUT I was the one accepting and allowing that shit to affect me, to define me, I was the one indulging in evil words about me, feeling unworthy because I could not get my mother's love no matter what I did, I was the one getting lost in predictions about the ominous future ahead of me because I was apparently a total fuck up - and so, as a fuck up, I did not mind to fuck up my life, I made my mothers words into my life story not because I was lazy to rewrite it - not because I did not want to rewrite it, just because I did not know how to, plus many of my maladaptive personalities found benefits, solace, relief in making my mum responsible for the ills in my life.
So, when I joined Desteni I spent years turning the wheel around ''taking self responsibility aka blame' for every shit I did, thought, said and yet I could not change myself as much as I hoped to, wanted to.
What I DID NOT understand at the time, no matter how clearly it was laid out in the Desteni material, was that I had just changed the target of my Blame, from my mother to me, this increased my stress because fuck, what a piece of shit I was, if I started as a fuck up, I ended up as a super fuck up as my self blame crushed me to a point of wanting to get away from everything and everyone, were everything that was said would always turn for me into self blame.
Last week as I chatted with my buddy, the conversation for me clearly outlined were the problem was, I had misdirected myself from self responsibility into self blame - big time - basically because in my mind the question 'what is self responsibility?' only existed as the polarity of blaming others to blaming myself.
This is how the conversation went
'Ele, you are still blaming your mother - where is your self Responsibility?'
first, I thought I did not - but my buddy is resilient, she said 'yes you are - this is a god ranting and raving for you to see where you are NOT YET taking self responsibility'
If you look at this sentence you can hopefully see how these 2 options only existed in opposition to each other inside of me, you are making your mother responsible for you (Blaming her) -
where is your self responsibility (I don't see you blaming yourself)
so I did try to correct my writing into Self Blame haha until I asked the simplest of question
What is Self responsibility - Really?
she said
'Self responsibility is being aware of the point of CREATION of You by You in a specific timeline, the point where YOU created YOU to be who/what you are today.
That point you have to OWN IT, OWN that point of Creation, SEE that as a maladaptive response you created as a coping mechanism to something, at one point in time, You made a decision to be, become something that no longer works for you OR others OR the world, You Did That.
No One Else.
If you can find your Point of Creation and OWN it - you can CHANGE IT'
(she didn't say this in so many words but I got this so thanks from the bottom of my heart Cerise for walking with me patiently while I banged my head on walls with a bread bag on my head until I got this, grateful from the bottom of my heart!)
Why am I writing this to explain my self realization of the moment?
because I see that many of us are still stuck in this dilemma, self blame vs self responsibility, we become skilled at not showing how we are still playing that game but really we are - this is why if we bring up anything that can support our change that is OUTSIDE what we understand process to be, self flagellation in some form, someone will always say 'where is your self responsibility'' and in that my friend, what we mean is 'I don't see you blaming yourself in self flagellation, this is what we have to do, show the world what pieces of shit we are, so the world can change so I am not changing my diet, doing yoga or whatever could work for me - because that would make me not self responsible aka I would not be suffering enough, it would be too much of an easy way out - I have to pay for my sins til redemption..'
Sadly, that KIND of redemption, never comes and if it doesn't come for ME, for YOU, for US, the world won't have it either.
We'll be locked in Hell together, some blaming others, some blaming ourselves, never becoming the Creators we could have been, never developing the required benevolence that has to start with me because it can't start anywhere else, where I walk myself gently out of my Abusive Mind Patterns and free Me so as a Free person I can support others to support themselves to become Benevolent, compassionate, helpful and not harmful - as I heal me, the world Heals with & as me
So, as part of my assignment, I am going to apply my new understanding of Self Responsibility using self forgiveness as the tool where I forgive myself what I have become in this world, it doesn't matter why or what evil situation prompted/inspired/suggested me to create maladaptive responses, it Matters that I own my choices, my conclusions, my beliefs to the point where I created them, where I created ME, NOT in self blame but in understanding of what this process is, a Process of Creation with self forgiveness as the tool that will delete the maladaptive, misguided, evil response that I have automated - so I can change them.
Self forgiveness is not just a tap we open to let the shit out, noooo, that's not good enough, helpful but not good enough, it's an exercise in Creation, it's us rewriting the History/Herstory/Mystory that binds me/us into a Story that frees me/us.
Here I will use my mum as an example of my new understanding of the Process of Self Creation - aka Self response-Ability
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother was the Creator of me because she used to say "I made you - I can Unmake You" and she meant she would beat me til there was no more 'me', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mother was sick and used fear to bend me and crush me to her will and desires and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and conclude 'I am not the creator of me'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my mother was the creator of me, she was responsible for how I came out, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it was the sum of my decisions, conclusions, beliefs and acceptances that created me as I am today and therefore I can Uncreate what I Miscreated that is not working for me or for everyone else and the world - as a mirror of myself - and Create what I see would be best for me and contribute best to what is best for all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask for support earlier about my misalignment of the word 'self responsibility', believing that redefining the word as 'the ability to respond' would sort the polarity that the word expressed for me, as me, and for dwelling on the time 'I have lost' trying to work this out and all the years I lost/wasted of self forgiveness that I used as a tap to relief myself, as a switch I applied as the Mind from blame to self blame, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I walked my process at the best of my abilities and that now that I have really comprehended what is required of me, what is available to me, I can change direction and work in a different way to find the points of Creation of everything I see is misaligned in me - so I can change it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my process as 'a waste of time' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I perfectly built this process for myself, to show myself that I had a huge misalignment in me, as the word Self Responsibility, a misalignment that finally made me see, realize and understand how and why Bernard was so focused on us redefining the words we live, because if we don't, if we don't clear the words we live as us from their polarity, we may end up where I ended, applying the wrong path as the meaning of the word that was supposed to lay a clear path in front of me for me to walk and so within this, I forgive myself the ability to see more clearly when and how I am entering a polarized word, so I can redefine it - and if not able, ask help to redefine it so I can lay out clear paths for me to walk my process of Self Correction/Self Creation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsibility of becoming a Creator because I always judged myself as a fuck up and to fear that I was not up to the task of gifting myself the responsibility for this Creation, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am starting as a Baby Creator, starting with Me and I am not asked to fix the world out there but just that I fix Me, forgive to me everything I believed I was not able to do, I was limited to tackle while I eradicate in me the Evil that reverberates into the world, regardless of how it got there, when it got there or who created the circumstances for it to be there - so the world as my mirror can change with and as me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was a Creator bigger than me, with more power and hence more responsibility for this Creation, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that we are all Equally responsible as in Equally Capable to do better than what was done, to amend the stories that are running the show, our own stories, to put an end to the abuses, to the self abuses, so we can move on and create something different than what is here that is not working in an inclusive, compassionate and just way - for every living being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a
pattern of 'a need for validation' as a response to my mother
gaslighting, hoping, wishing someone would step in and say 'yes, that
was abusive, yes, she said/did that, yes, you are not imagining things'
and within this for invalidating myself thinking what I felt, saw, heard
had to be double confirmed, for believing that I was not good enough to
trust myself to see abuse for what it is, when I was receiving it or
when inevitably, I did it to others, just like my mother - and within
this I forgive myself for the abusive personalities I created that
harmed myself and others - equally
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wait for someone to validate what I went through and even though I see the benefits for a child to be validated to see that not 'everything is in their mind and they are not necessarily making things up just because their parents say so' - validation became a point that delayed my process of self correction because validation had to come from the outside, I had to look for people who were aware of the kind of patterns I lived with in my relationship with my mother and so- validation became a 2 edged sword, I had to wait til someone said 'yes, you experienced this, yes it's true, yes there are Holy Mothers who do this to their children' - and yet I could have skipped this step if I had understood that I could jump straight to self responsibility as THAT POINT where I created me as automated maladaptive patterns and responses to my environment and correct myself so I would no longer 'feel the need' to blame my mother, myself or anyone else for what/who I had become
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed me to see, realize and understand, that I was offered tools by Desteni to shortcut the long road back to sanity, instead I lived the polarity of my own words, I had to live the misalignment until I got it, until I can say, hei fuck, I got this now, I couldn't get the full advantage of the shortcut Bernard worked so hard to lay out for me and us all, but I got there, now I can see, I am no longer blinded by the polarity of my own mind and words and within this I forgive myself for trying to measure in time the process I have walked as I see realize and understand that time is not an issue, walking the wrong way - not an issue, it's just important that each one of us walks out of their own minds applying any and every tool available - at their own pace, making their own mistakes, for which I am grateful as they may help someone else in the same situation to unravel some of the difficulties they may have encountered in their Process of Change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe tat the EVIL Bernard talked about, was just what we do to others and to the world, discounting what we do to ourselves, how we sentence ourselves to live a life that is less than everything we could be or do just because we don't know how, or are not willing or fear to look at HOW WE CREATED ourselves as self abuse, reflecting the abusive ways we deal with ourselves onto others and then onto the world, as we leak out the invisible reality of who and what we have become while the world, kindly, supportively, shows us what is going on, asks us that we stop, because no one can grant us the forgiveness that we are hoping to receive from the outside, from our mothers, fathers -here or in Heaven- because that would mean we are not up to speed with Creation, we cant be trusted to be self responsible/empowered enough to Create benevolently - if we can't even start with ourselves
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to tackle process from the outside in - instead than delving from the inside out, because somewhere, somewhen I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was irrelevant as I spent my life listening to my mother's problems/feelings/emotions/desires/needs, leaving little to no space for me, to understand my needs, my emotions, my feelings so I could correct what was not serving me and others equally, for-giving to me everything I need, releasing what were never my desires but system implanted needs on an imaginary way to happiness that only fueled the consumption of this world, of other living beings and of myself, consumed by trying to get from the outside world what I believed I was not able to give myself and did not give myself through self for-giveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if it was my duty to cater to my mother's needs, desires and the regulation of her internal reality and emotional life until I made myself co-dependent and I made it other people's duty to cater to my needs and the regulation of my internal reality and emotional life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mother was sick and she misdirected her responsibility for her life on me and I became sick, misdirecting the response-ability of my life on others and that I could not learn to find the points of creations of me in me from someone who was not able to do this for herself and within this, I release my mum from the responsibility of me because I have learnt to give myself what I need, because I am walking a path of forgiveness that is available to all of us so we can become whole again and then create a world that is inclusive of all its parts as we become inclusive of all our parts that we embrace and to which we for-give what they did not have/thought they did not have/believed they did not have, that birthed them out of lack, into lack, creating a world of lack where there is not enough for everyone, even tough there is plenty for all of us and it will become available as we start for-giving the lack in and as ourselves
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create coping mechanisms to survive my family abuse that turned into abusive personalities, I forgive myself that I didn't give myself the time to see where, how and when I created me as self abuse so I could correct myself, move on, free myself and my position within the world in and as it, so we can create the new, the neverbeenherebefore, the world we wish to see that reflects our wholeness, our self respect and the dignity that we can only grant to all living beings - after we grant it to ourselves trough the gift of Self For-Giveness
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