Day 149: I Don't Want To Go to Heaven

As we write our Journey to Life Blogs, Creation, Earth and Heaven are writing their as well.

How do I experience myself within reading those Blogs?

When I read Earth's Journey to Life blogs, I just see common sense, sometimes I react, mainly when I want to say things like 'come on, this is not important, with the kind of mess we are in, this is menial' but I can work those feelings and emotion out and go back to the Blog consistently as I have seen how supportive it has been to open up Characters for myself.

When I read Creation's Journey to Life, I have ups and downs, basically like when I read Earth's but more accentuated, and I experience myself as on a continuous ride as what I believed I had grasped the day before I have to question again today in relation to another point, so I would say destabilizing but again, like when I get a painful massage, that kind of sour pain that I know 'it's good for me'

Then comes Heaven, I definitely don't want to go to Heaven!

So I decided to look at why when I sit down to read Heaven's Blogs I have so much resistance coming up, even though I find them very interesting, the ones I can understand and where I don't lose myself in word loops, I have tried talking to myself about it and reminding myself how much I enjoy them once I start reading, and yet, when I sit down, I fiddle, then I want to read the news first, then have a glass of water and spend 1 hour in the kitchen and some evenings I do so much that I manage to successfully forget to read them just to pile them up, with the anxiety that goes with 'being behind' to then have a marathon to bring myself up to date.

So what is it that I resist about Heaven's Blogs?

One point that I have seen clearly with Eqafe Material as well is that I resist anything that spells out that I am a robot and tries to explain the in depth mechanics of how we function.

I find this news to be the hardest I had to swallow since joining Desteni, not because I have in any way a doubt that I am not, just because there is a part of this Creation story that I find horrifying, terrible, scary and if possible I don't want to know about it, I don't want the gory details of how machine-like we have become because I secretly treasure all my other beliefs about how 'special we are' and that we were created by a loving and benevolent God and the gap between my previous knowledge and this information is so wide that when I attempt to close it I fear to fall into the crack to just never come back.

I have done the traditional cracking at the beginning, the shock and the trauma and then I began to be scared of being traumatised again, not knowing how much more trauma can I take in one life about myself and who I am as looking at myself as a machine is Not Cool and doesn't make me feel good about myself, in fact it makes me feel like shit, even though I came to this path by logic in a way, having seen humanity on an automated path and patterns of self destruction, automated like in automaton such as robotic, without tools for Self correction that I only found trough Desteni.

So basically, I don't want to go to Heaven, because Hell as where I am and what I know seems better, seems safer, and because every time I read one of these blogs the first thoughts that come up is the utter cruelty of this creation and the utter disrespect for Humanity as I see the suffering that yes, may be self inflicted, but we did not come here with an instruction manual and so what I don't want to face in Heaven's blog is the anger that I feel, the desire to kick down walls and shake the Creators while I shout 'how the fuck comes you could not see where all this was leading, you omnipotent, omniscient God of my Ass?' and guess what? Back to square one and the Righteousness of the Atlanteans, still holding the fucking grudge for having ended up here at the bottle neck of creation, the ''I' of the Needle to just have to walk back the whole Creation up to point Zero and face the truth, Creator, Creation and Created as One and Equal.

Tomorrow I Will walk my self forgiveness for the existential rage and the desire to not face the point that we are walking the consequences of what we set in motion while we were not self responsible Creators from the starting point of Oneness and Equality as What is Best for All.

Related articles

• Emotional/Feeling Body Creation - Part 2: DAY 103
• Sub-Personality Backchat Creation - Part 2: DAY 122
• Character Resonance Evolution - Part 2: DAY 126
• Yes, I KNOW!!! - Part 2: DAY 148
• The Science of Thought - Introduction: DAY 149
• The Science of Thought - Part 1: DAY 150
• Day 131: DESTENI Character - Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part1)
• Day 154: After Death Communication - Part 4

Day 100: Journey to Life Review and Why to Join.

So it's been 100 days of writing myself out consistently, with 3 days interruption when my computer broke down, 3 days during which I could not wait to get my computer back.

For me it has been extraordinary, it has given me much more stability, less noise in my head, solutions for my life that I could not see before, because the cluttering chatter was deafening, have started to emerge, as I walk to become the Solution as mySelf inward and outward.

Today I had a moment of relapse into the downs (cause the ups are only up to delivery time, in the expectation and anticipation of the 'reward') of the reward system, since a few days ago we said 'let's write something about our day 100' I went into 'thinking' that day 100 would 'feel 'special', like an achievement' like something would ding and dong this morning to signal this mark, like I would feel rewarded.

None of these things happened, it's just another day of writing to get to know myself better, to tell myself that I did write for 100 days even though I doubted myself and I had backchat telling me I wouldn't because I could always step into the Failure Character and remind myself of all the times I took on something I did not see to the end.

So, for those considering to write themselves out, do give yourself this gift, this opportunity to spend time with yourself, look a the nitty-gritty of your behavior, at what goes on inside of you as The Mind, why we became what we became, how, what judgements, fears, ideas and opinions do we hold about ourselves and others that keep us separate, that stand in the way of us seeing our Equality and Oneness, in the way of us standing together for a project of Change that starts inward to manifest outward, for ourselves and All of Existence, Equal and One.

To sum it up, writing is not rewarding, that is a concept of the Capitalistic system we have grown used to, where we believe that everything we do has a 'reward', a prize, a price, instead writing is an act of self commitment, it's the commitment to do something without a reward, without being given anything, not even a star for good behaviour, it's the consistent application of a new behaviour so that we may step out of our re-ward-ing, in which we keep ourselves caged to the Idea of 'what can we get out of this', 'what's in it for me'. And isn't this what is going on in this World ? Isn't the problem just this, that each one of us is 'in it' just for the 'what's in it for me' point? And The world doesn't have enough for the self interest and greed of All of Us, this should be clear by now.

Out of writing there is nothing in it for me, there is ME, all of ME that goes on paper, for me to see what I have made mine of this world and then believed to be me, what have I possessed that ended up possessing me, what have I not wanted to see of me that I have projected onto the world around me to turn this world into a giant mirror of myself in which, for a long time, I have been refusing to see ME, because really, how could this world be Me, with all it's flaws and shortcoming, was I not perfect as I was ?

Actually, NO, I was not and I am not, so we walk as a group with this intent, Self Perfection, to root out of ourselves what we see and realize is Not the World we would like to have and live, to make an inward correction to realign the mirror first to what is best for All, for Self, as Self is Me and You, and to return to nothingness as the point in which we can rewrite ourselves as what we were always supposed to be, caring Human beings, who see in another Ourselves and no longer the plaguing despair of our separation that has led to all sorts of atrocities that we can see outside of us, as Us.

SO, do consider to start walking for yourself as yourself, no reward, no prize, no price, it's free, it's what you freely give to yourself to build yourself into for-giveness, because let's face it, a lot of forgiveness will be required for the world to let go what we have done to each other in our demented pursuit of Happiness, a Happiness that we came to believe was to be bought and sold and ultimately stolen from each other as we turned Money into the weapon we used to be 'happier' than the ones who would have to go with nothing, just to guarantee that we could have more and be more and maybe ultimately be happier than anyone else.

Instead we see, realize and understand, how all this search has been a delusion, the idea we bought into that something 'out there' could complete us and resolve us and finally bestow on us that elusive 'happiness' for which we have gone to war, starved and killed each other, it's just Not Real.

It is really time for a Reality Check, time to stop the wars we live inside to stop the wars outside, time to stop playing Characters and become Real, Pinocchio could become flesh, will We ?

Journey to Life Blogs

2012: Nothingness -- the 7 Year Process to Birthing Self as Life

Changing the Character of the World

2012 - Finding your purpose in the Journey to Life

Desteni

Equal Money

Eqafe

Day 86: The 'I don't know what To Do' Character

As I read Journey to Life Blogs, Creation's Blogs and Heaven's Blogs, I see many points opening up and I go into wondering how am I going to take on all this Creation, because All of the Characters described I have been playing them too, not only, I have done the polarity ones as well of many of the statements that I read, yet this is another Character, my Doubting Thomas Character, doubting if I will ever make it, which is just a Matter of My decision, because Who is The One that decides?

So do I decide that I don't know if I will make it or do I decide that I will make it and so will everyone else, we'll make it, one self directive stand after another in Breath as One.

But one of the point that opened up quite clearly after reading Matti's Blog, Does God decide Who I am, and that has been festering under my skin for a couple of days is the 'I don't know what to do' Character.

When I looked for the picture to link to this point, I found books covers, we have actually written books to answer this question 'what to do when I don't know what to do', as the point had already become quite clear, I saw this as a confirmation of The extensive bullshit we live by and make a living on.

Because the way this point opened up was that I always know what I want to do, I just either a) don't want to do it, b) fear doing it, c) fear looking at my reasons for wanting or not wanting to do something due to my own self judgements about right and wrong that stands in the way to my Self Honesty as I rather be right and good than wrong and bad, so I always look for ways to make it all work for me, so I get to do what I want and look right and good.

Basically the times when I said "I don't know what to do', were the times when I have been unable to find the perfect working combination of all elements among my Characters, so that I could do what I wanted and look right and good, so what I was saying is, sorry, I have not found or created yet a Character that can make these 3 points work for me, so hang in there until I do, meanwhile I won't be Self Honest and just say what it is that I really want to do but will tell myself and others 'I don't know what to do', so I am not committing, while I expose my own self created imaginary confusion and who knows, I may get some points even out of not having rushed into a decision that is unpopular among my Characters who themselves get to vote about everything I want to do or think about doing, showing myself that I in fact live in a Dictatorship of my own Creation in my own Mind, where everything I think or better, I believe I think but only stem from memories I have filed that offer thoughts for me to ponder, is voted and weighted while as as the physical get no say in it simply because I accept the Dictatorship as Real and wait to be told who I am and what to do after the voting has taken place, while I suck myself dry out of Life and my chance to Live, until I stand and say STOP, enough is enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character that says "I don't know what to do' which is my stand by Character while voting takes place about what I should do, when I know what I want to do but I just don't have the guts to do it or I don't have the guts to look at why I don't have the guts to do it/not do it in fear that I will not like to discover I am living in a dictatorship of my own Creation and that I have never in fact had any say about my Life, until now

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the Character 'I don't know what to do' to step in as I removed myself from the Equation of having to make a decision having considered all party involved, assessed what is best for All to the best of my abilities, within the realization that All is Me and then walk it to completion no matter what

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the existence of a Character that says 'I don't know what to do' because if I keep this Character alive I will always have an excuse to not come clean about what I want to do and get out of my Life, and I can live my idle Life instead of my Ideal Life in which I deal as in I decide and then walk according to What is best for me and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear about making a decision, I stop, breathe, remind myself I know that I know what I want to do, so I stop, evaluate what I want to do and why, if what I want to do is motivated by a Character and its own agenda I take the opportunity to clear up the agenda and the Character that I came to uncover through looking at myself in intimacy and Self Honesty without judgements, and then reassess what I want to do in alignment with What is Best for All as I know I can see this clearly as well and negating that I can is just an excuse for NOT doing what I see would be best for me and best for All

When and as I see myself resisting or about to move into resistance regarding what I want to do and why, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that resistance shows me that a Character is at play and I push myself to see through this Character and its own agenda so I can become clear about what is standing in the way between me and doing what I want that is best for me and best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend that 'I don't know what to do' when the utterance of these words always makes me physically uncomfortable as I know that I know what I want to do and by saying 'I don't know what to do' I feel dishonest and separated from myself as in not knowing myself, not wanting to know myself, so I commit myself to stop pretending that I don't know what to do and look at what I know that I want to do and why so I can come to know myself and what is driving me instead of me driving me as the Self  Directive principle of Myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed when I said 'I don't know what to do' in my Life, because knowing that I did know what I wanted to do, and disowning myself in Self Honesty due to the judgements I held about good and bad, right and wrong, I ended up stating that what I wanted to do and live was shameful and that I should feel guilty about it, instead of investigating the origin of my desires and wants without judgements so I could release myself from being puppettered around by Energy standing in the way of myself becoming the Self Directive Principle of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say "I know what I want to do' and then lie about what I REALLY wanted to do, putting forth an acceptable decision that I identified would match the expectations of the Character/s I was facing and of whom I desired the approval and respect, lying about myself and what I wanted so that I could be approved and accepted and not challenged as a Character that did not fit into the expectation of others of how my Character should behave and what wants and desires should hold

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there was ever a time in my life in which I did not know what to do, for example when I did not divorce my ex husband after 6 months when I realized that Our relationship was based on constant total friction that we were both unable to resolve, instead I said I did not know what to do, while I meant I did not know where to go if I left while I was alone in Singapore without a work permit, while I knew that I wanted to leave because I could see no resolution at the time between us for who we were as Characters in our relationship, yet I stayed and told myself that I knew I stayed because I loved him, which was total bullshit as I knew I staid because I was too afraid to leave and not be able to support myself but I did not have the guts to say this except when we fought and then I would say it to hurt him and then take it back to get a chance to stay, all the while proving to myself that the decision to leave would have been the best for both but I did not have the guts to do it, and within this I forgive myself for having not made decisions in my life that I saw and knew would have been necessary out of fear of Survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed that even when I saw that my embodying the 'I don't know what to do Character' was causing harm to myself and others, I still did not have the guts to walk a decision I had already made but ended up living the decision in my backchat so I staid but in reality I left after 6 months turning my relationship into a lie and a farce just because I did not want the responsibility of making this decision and walk it whatever it took for the sake of what was best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say "I don't know what to do' regarding my pot use, which was ludicrous because I absolutely knew what to do, which would have been to stop it, on the spot, to quit that damaging self abusive habit forever, yet I did not want to as I felt unstable and a walking mine in a minefield of my own creation and I feared I would not be there for myself to support myself and so I was not willing to give up Pot no matter how clear it was to me what would have been the best thing to do for myself and others as equals, but I could wear my 'I don't know what to do' Character and keep going until I drove myself and others almost insane, and within this I forgive myself for what I have done to myself and others while using Pot as an excuse for not taking responsibility for my behavior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I don't know what to do' regarding how to get a job now or settle myself back into the world system, when I do know what to do as I have proved to myself in the past few days when I did start to look consistently and send proper CVs out and evaluating business opportunities that I could engage into if I don't get a job and so I see that my 'I don't know what to do' Character is a cover up for when I am perceiving myself as not able to stand in and as a decision that I know needs to be made as I can clearly see that the way I live is not effective and not what is best for me or best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I let go of the 'I don't know what to do Character' then I will have to expose myself as one that knows What to do at All times and that implies having to become Self responsible at all times for the decisions I make or not make as what I have in fact decided to do or not do and within this I forgive myself for fearing the self responsibility that comes with the decisions I make or not make

I commit myself to stop my existence as the 'I don't know what to do' Character, as I see realize and understand that I do know what to do and when I believe I don't I am trying to fool myself and I can stop, breathe, sit down and write out the points of the decision to make, see if I am considering all points, make the decision that is best for all and then walk my decision to completion

I commit myself to stop my existence as the guilt and the shame for having embodied the 'I don't know what to do' Character, denying the existence of Me as a Self Directive principle and my ability to make decisions that consider what is best for me and what is best for All, and commit myself to stand as the Self Directive principle of My Decisions for myself as Life and All of existence Equal and One.

Day 77: I am a Real Character...

This point that everything we do within and as The Mind is a character that we have created and is supported through memories to which thoughts that feed it are connected to, took a new twist yesterday while reading Creation's Blog plus all the other Blogs relative to this topic from the Journey to Life, including Earth's Journey to Life and Heaven's Journey to Life, Looking for More of Myself, which were all positively Mind Blowing.

Because then a few questions came up such as 'who is doing the Self Forgiveness then, me or a character, and how can it not be a character if I do not even exist yet outside of a character play?' Which is just the question of a character, of one of my 'not so bright characters' because when I am Here I don't have questions as silly as this to ask myself because I am Here and not lost Up There into a character that asks questions about what characters do pretending to not be a character.

I saw as well that The point of Wanting What is Best for All, is in character with a new character that I have created, it's the follow up to the 'I want to be a Good person' character, the natural evolution where I took, being Good and doing Good to a whole new level.

So how do we discover WHO we ARE outside of our character Play ?

We stop, we realize that when we Think about something or Feel something we can only do so based on our Life of Stored and Filed Memory Experiences, in which we have accepted and allowed ourselves to define us and believe that THAT is what it means to be alive, to have lived, because we set up this world  just for that, we keep moving throughout our Lives, taking snapshots of moments that are charged (by us) and then use them to mold who we are or who we believe we are supposed to be according to the huge pile of acquired memories/information that are alive with emotions and feelings we filed with them, and slowly but surely each definition we have for ourselves becomes a cage, a place in which we enclose ourselves and then play from that position that we have ourselves accepted and stated that we hold, and then go out and fight others who are playing the same game but within an opposing character, when in fact all that exist and has ever existed  is Me, was always ME but I believed I was not enough and multiplied myself into an ever increasing number of copies, having never corrected the starting point of not being enough of searching for More of myself and More of Here, resulting in what we have created the Moreness of Nothingness, because none of it is in fact Real, because a character that creates characters is still only a character and at best can create a Stage and the mockery of Life, but never Life itself.

Yet for a moment I have been con-fused, if I am none of these characters, why don't I just stop feeding them all  and step out of character to be Here ?

Are we using self forgiveness to fool ourselves out of characters or are we using self forgiveness to delete the energy play that we created to feed ours and others characters (oops there are no others, that is the misleading belief of many of my characters) while we were in character that the characters took on a life of their own and now they are driving us ?

But guess what dear, if you are thinking about these questions, you are creating an inquisitive character searching for explanations about how did all of this happened, yet you are not STOPPING yourself yet.

SO, exercise for today, stay in Breath and watch, be Here as to not create or feed new characters and stories, apply self forgiveness to STOP the existing ones and Step out of Character, out of All Characters, even the one that wants to do what is Best for All, it's just a character that one too, because doing What is Best for All is being Here and not off into designing and feeding a Character that wants to do What is best for All as thinking about doing What is best for All puts me in character, there is only Here in and as Breath where character feeding and building is NOT taking place, so time to walk the stopping of the memories that are keeping this insane game alive, it's not Funny anymore and is causing a lot of suffering to those that have not managed to design for themselves a character that gets fed and clothed because in our desire for More some parts of ME got cut out of the system of support and are being starved out of the Game.
So it's no longer Time to design a character that takes care of All Equally but Time to stop and Be Here as Life where taking care of Me as One and Equal is just what I would do without thinking about it or thinking about how would I go about it.
From next blogs dismantling the characters I have embodied that are Not real so I can backtrack what was the point that generated them to let it go through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One.