Day 446: The Various Dimensions of Name Calling

Do assholes exist? Asshole has been one of my favourite curse words, what I realized yesterday is that name calling of any kind, and that includes any name we use to justify WHY we react to someone so it can be stupid, ignorant, selfish, arrogant, self centered etc, is in fact Hidden Blame.

So I will walk my self forgiveness to bring up on paper how I established this pattern, specifically with my mother and how to release myself from it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are people deserving of a label that absolves me from my responsibility of looking at why and how I reacted in a specific moment, placing the blame on them for 'who and how they are' which I make into a fact within my mind, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just a perception that I use/used to justify why I was right in reacting to them because they 'were wrong' and I was right

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this habit of coming to the desire to call my mother names stems from childhood, when I felt impotent and a victim to her behavior that I perceived as abusive, because when she used specific words and tones I would react and hence made her the source of my experience of myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was the only one creating the experience of myself through my own participation in backchat, thoughts and the resulting emotions and she was just the one on which I projected the blame for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always dream of a time when I would not live close to my mother and within this dream, not see realize and understand that I blamed her for my own experience of myself believing that if I did not have to be subjected to her presence and her unstoppable need to provide opinions as facts about me and my life then I would be free and within this for jailing myself into whatever experience arose in me when in the company of my mother instead of applying myself to free myself from this idea/belief so it would not matter where I lived and what she said about me and my life at any given time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take what my mother says personally instead of seeing it as just her own experience of me and her own judgements as a Mind and using what she says as a guideline to my own suppressions and reactive points if and when I see myself react in any way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not look in specificity at moments in which I either wanted to call my mother an asshole or did call her an asshole because it was easier to blame her for my reaction than looking at the core point behind it and correcting myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive people that want to lay their experience and projections on me and come up with all sorts of assumptions about me and my life and the people within it, as assholes instead of looking at what exactly made me react within what they said and in this case for blaming my mother for saying out loud what I had thought about my ex boyfriend anyway that I made OK in my thoughts because 'I am entitled to my own opinion' and then blaming her for her belief that 'she is entitled to her opinion' just because her opinion is about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that she is really an asshole for saying 'I will drive how the fuck I want' when I told her to drive carefully when she decided suddenly to leave, instead of spending the night together as we planned and that I was therefore justified in just saying 'what I thought about her/give her a piece of my mind', instead of looking at the point in self honesty that I had already started accumulating reactions while she was expressing what I deemed as an uncalled-for opinion and that I was just waiting for a point when I could act out my reactions within an excuse that made it ok

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother for always expressing opinions I did not ask for instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I have expressed opinions in my life that I have not been asked for because I held on to my 'right to have my own opinion' about something or somebody and to express it even when I saw that it was escalating into friction and conflict and that I would not be able to direct the outcome if I allowed it to blow out of proportion -just so I could stick to my right to have my own opinion about something or someone while valuing  myself as the mind more than stopping friction and conflict with someone on the spot

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that my ex boyfriend was a free loader and did not contribute as much as he could have to our household but did not take the time to defuse that 'opinion' about him which was just an assumption with no undeniable foundation in physical reality, leaving a sore point open for when someone would express their opinion about it and then believing my reaction was about it and not about my own opinion of what went on that I had not taken the time to walk through, forgive and let go

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid and taken advantage of when my mother said what I had thought out loud and for wanting to give her my opinion about the fact that she was maybe projecting her own relationships on me, so that she would stop being so high and mighty and righteous instead of considering that if I shared a similar experience with my mother or a similar perception of an experience with men as the one of my mother, maybe it was worth looking into it because as we know, we repeat patterns, not necessarily in the physical but for sure patterns of interpretation and assumptions about situations and people we come in contact with in our lives

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'she will get down from her high horse and next time if she doesn't want to be called an asshole she can think twice about expressing her unrequested opinion', making myself right and her wrong and holding on to spite as a way to not have to do anything to walk through the consequences of my stance, no matter what she did or said prior to me saying what I did in an attempt to blame my reactions on her

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that taking personally what someone expresses is a limitation of myself and my ability to hear what another may contribute to my process and that however they contribute it, be it spitefully or within a projection, according to my perception, I can still walk the point by using the clue they have given me if I don't make it personal but just a mind point, that I can identify through a reaction, to direct to a solution within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to listening to older people, elders, parents and relatives whose lives are clearly fucked up and hence I decided they have nothing of value to contribute to anyone if not the example of what not to do and what not to be and within this for limiting how and from where I can get clues about my mind and my inner workings as I stated that only those that I can see live an example of what they are trying to point out to me, and that would make just about 10 (or less) people in the world, can do so, instead of opening up to anything and anyone as a stairway to my own awareness by looking inside for my own reactions to what is offered, no matter by whom and how it is offered 

When and as I see myself wanting to speak words that are hiding the blame of how I feel and projecting it onto another, I stop, breathe, touch my hands to bring myself back into the physical and to not give in to the feeling that I am missing out/losing on a great opportunity to call someone an asshole or any other name but to see, realize and understand  that I am energetically possessed, even if it doesn't seem so as in a clear energetic reaction I have learnt to decode so far and that I must refrain from speaking while I am reacting at all costs - using any tool I have learnt to create a space to allow myself to investigate the moment and not give into it in automatic preprogrammed behavior - just because this is how I used to deal with such moments in the past

I commit myself to, when I see myself jumping to the thought 'so and so is an asshole, ignorant, arrogant, clueless, evil etc', to forgive my thoughts before I reach for excuses and justifications to why I am entitled to think such thoughts about someone and to then look for the trigger that activated in me the desire to call them names in abdication of my own self responsibility for how I experience myself in and as the mind

I commit myself to when and as I see the word coming up to be spoken automatically to stop, breathe, do not allow myself to speak it but remind myself that I am obviously possessed by the desire to blame another and by some personality systems that I have designed to justify the blame in the process and instead I make the time to go writing down what has been going on within me to defuse my reactions and seek how to redirect my thoughts and emotions in self support to a solution

I commit myself to remind myself that there is no way that giving in to name calling, inside or outside of myself, can support another one and equal as me and to not give in to this habit, no matter how enticing the trigger seems but to use the moment as a clue that something is happening inside of me and must be addressed before I participate further with another in a reactive unsupportive way

Related articles

• Why I Curse So Much - And Who Is To Blame
• Day 104: Reaction To Particular Tonality
• 409. The Uncomfortable Truth
• Day 620 Quantum Reaction to Arrogant Ignorance
• Day 539 Making Sense of Assumption

Day 285: Anger Galore

Odd day.

It started with a phone call that made me angry, the usual lady that makes it her reason to live to try and slip her responsibility for her health on me and everyone else while we are not watching.

In the afternoon my mother, who got annoyed because I told her she was welcome to come and visit but I missed the point of "Easter' and why we had to do something special for it -when we never did. Then she said 'I thought you may be going somewhere' and I said 'how? I'm broke, where can I go?' and then she got angry because I mentioned Money when she now believe I have more than her, meaning I should accept my sacrifices happily and not mention them, because WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE THEM, It's Life.

Then I went to pick up the cable of my printer from a guy that pretended to fix it for 25 euro and turned it into a copier that no longer wants to behave like a printer.

And finally my teenager student came and she had to be dragged for 1.5 hours through her English homeworks while we negotiated every single step 'read aloud' 'I will if you don't make me do exercise 5 and 6" a point we had to negtiate because her school teacher 't forgot to ask them to complete the exercise page, we agreed she could complain about them but would have to do them anyway - she resorted to read half a page like an imbecile - just to spite me.

When she left I was tired.

I watched a day of anger go by and participated in all of the above instances a little more every time as they accumulated, I had to tie myself to the chair to not smack the book on the head of my student, that's how fare I allowed myself to accumulate in a day alone.


There was another event in the middle, I read a post on a site that does nothing but Gossip about what we do, I wrote 5 answers to it and deleted them all because I was aware I was reacting and pretending not to.


So, what can I deduce? I cannot participate in anger at all, it doesn't mater that I do not display it or engage in it outwardly, the inward movement is enough, it's plenty in fact to pile up an energetic trail to a gun powder deposit, I should know this, have had memorable anger outbursts in my life and they all started seemingly innocently, and specifically, they were never my fault :)



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at A. for trying to do what she does all the time, failing to see it was not a personal movement she had against me, but simply an impersonation of one of her main characters that I took personally and to which I reacted in anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anger is real and who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when reading the troll website commenting on what happened on Quora and for engaging my anger into writing replies meant to knock some sense into his/her head, when in fact this was an excuse to vent my anger instead of stopping myself from reacting as a self directive principle


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I went to pick up my cable to give in to the irritation for not having been given back the original cable as I anticipated that my printer would not work - which it didn't, and within this for moving into disappointment as suppressed anger I did not want to look at, instead of stopping myself, breathing and bringing myself back here in and as breath, back from a day lost in emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I spoke to my mother and I could feel the irritation mounting up regarding Easter as a point of nonsense to reply in Character instead of hearing what she was saying beyond the Easter point, which was to come down and visit and spend some time together, and to justify why I did not want to hear I told her why was she asking 'where was I going for Easter' as she knew I had nowhere else to go, playing the victimization point which I did because I was not here or I could have seen how stepping into that character would have played out to her, being the one who has halved her income to support me and within this, for looking for a reason why I had a right to be angry, such as the point of her underlining that we are all making sacrifices, to look at that point like it was her fault, that I inherited an acceptance of life as sacrifice, which is nothing else but another shift of responsibility, blaming her for the beliefs I have accepted and allowed instead of standing to no longer accept and allow Life as sacrifice for no one, not her, not myself and not anyone else, which is why I stand as One vote for an Equal Money System for All

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I now feel angry, to compare how much more I used to give in to anger as a way to compliment myself that I am not that bad after all, as to say 'look, I have changed so much' failing to see that I use comparison to my worse self as a justification to why I don't have to stop and why I can't stop because My past of Anger is quite populated with outrageous acts of possession, instead of not using comparison as a justification to why it's OK for me to participate in an energetic reaction, no matter how small it seems as I forget that energy accumulates into those possessions that never came by chance but through my participation in anger one step at the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my student arrived and I saw she was moody, to start going into a resistance to her behavior until we went into conflict and instead of stopping myself with breath, try to harm-wrestle my position of power as a teacher and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in a situation of conflict one should always win and that should be me, instead of breathing myself back into stability from where I could look for a solution that is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I move into anger, look for reasons why my anger is justified, to look for why I could later claim that 'I didn't start it' when in fact the day ended proving that I do exactly what A. tries to do with me, try to shift on others the responsibility of my behaviour instead of taking responsibility for my participation in anger, no matter how good an excuse I can find to motivate why I am in fact entitled to it.



When and as I see myself approached by people that I interpret and define as moody, angry, irritating, annoying, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand I am looking and them through the filters of some Characters and not as myself as Life beyond judgements born out of memories and opinions and I support myself to breathe to bring myself back to stability until I can see in self honesty I am no longer participating in anger in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself looking into my anger archive to find other 'worse moments of anger' in my files to prove to myself that I am entitled to this 'little movement of anger by comparison', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to compare my energetic participation of the moment with my previous participation as an excuse and breathe to stop my participation in anger beyond any good reason I have found up to then that proves I am entitled to it

When and as I see myself moving to play back in my mind the 'anger incident' looking for how I can explain why I was entitled to get angry and how I was not 'the one starting it', I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to participate no matter what I have told myself about 'who started and who carries the fault therefore'

When and as I see myself trying to blame another for my anger, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to shift the blame or attempt to shift the blame on another



I commit myself to consistently stop my participation in anger and my belief that anger is real and one and equal to me and who I really am and to catch myself in the slightest beginning stages of my participation in energetic reactions to learn to effectively stop myself for good, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• 128 - Part 7 - Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot
• Day 341: Without a Care in the World
• Day 220 - Me as Anger/Resentment/Resistance in Relationship

Day 193: Be Nice! - The Patron-izing of Reality

Reality is in the grips of Positive Thinkers and is being manipulated for 'feeling good", I know how it works to the T, I was one of them, I lived it, preached it and wouldn't have had it any other way. I was Sold, a Sould-Dear to 'sticking my head up my butt', it was warm and comfy up there, I really liked it.

To 'feel good' about this world we have to Not Look at It, there is No other way if we are looking to regulate our Life on Feelings and Emotions as a Guideline, it takes some practice, blindfolders and a dedication to Role Playing, it is the Fifty Shades of Grey of Humanity, Reality is sold out for a sadomaso kit of cuffs and gags.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my mum that ended in this 'ah today is your complaining day, let me take out some popcorn so you can have a go at it' -laugh/laugh-, I was not complaining, I just asked if this World seems All Right following the 'Education incident' she asked me about.

I was aware that I must have started somewhere to brush off reality, I am aware as well that it starts with the Family but I liked to see my mother 'not like other mothers', due to the fact that I suppressed much guilt and shame for our Relationship I have made her a Martyr in my Mind, better than most.

I don't like to think that everything She did was for herself, every bit of "Good' she chased was not for the Good of others, but was for 'feeling better' about this World, that is just sad, the truth of this World is Sad, isn't it?

There is a commmon thread we all seem to follow when we are born in this world, a thread that is woven with the horrors of Reality and our relationship with each other that ultimately ends in denial, not the longest River in Egypt, the other one, the one that says NO to reality, that shouts that the Physical is not Real, that tries to 'HarryPotter' existence into something else.

When she laughed last night and I did not join in I felt a huge Gap taking place between us, I saw clearly in detail as well how it isthat Children are moved out of Reality by Parents, it starts with the 'Be Nice, you know how lucky you are, think of those Poor children in Africa, what do you lack?", which shows as well how we use the Poor and Derelict for a 'Pick me up' they are the 'Tiramisu' of Existence, they make our Life sweeter by Comparison, it could have been me, and yet, it isn't.

This proves that there isn't One of us that is Not Aware of what goes on in the World, we are so aware in fact that we use 'reality' to threaten each other with and to push each other to build up a Nest in our Minds to escape reality, a 'Safe Place' haha, boy did we get this one wrong.

Poverty is in place as a reminder of our Better Place in Society, as the Wand and Bat we use to cast the 'Be Nice" spell on each other which contains the unspoken wide ranging 'or else', that goes anywhere from 'boarding house' to 'out in the street' ragged and starving in the Big Bad World.

You want my support? BE NICE

You want my unconditional Love? BE NICE

You want to live? BE NICE

You want to talk reality? Fuck Off, Be Nice, stop the Negativity -no of course I don't mean 'the One out there', I just mean yours, stop bringing up this subject that makes me feel bad for which I will have to patronize you until you STOP, get it, reality is Not the Problem, YOU ARE , so you better change your attitude Missy and align with the way things are, because the system won't change, cant' change, I won't support you wanting to Change this system, if I did it would stand as a testament about My Fuck Up and WHY didn't I, and I won't have any of that. Get that Clear, Missy.'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when my mother told me as a kid to 'be Nice' she was being a good person trying to teach me about Good Manners and how to respect others, instead of seeing she was asking me to shut up and never raise subjects that were moving emotions of unconfortability and inadequacy first within her and then within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'being Nice' is better than 'being Not Nice', instead of really seeing what both these statements meant and what they implied as the blind Acceptance of this System and how Acceptance and Allowance is the very thing that is keeping this system in place the way it is, and how the System has turned everyone into the jailers that keep others in place, no longer requiring any force because the jailing has become an Inside Job that we took on from our Parents when we grew up

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself to believe that my mum was 'good at heart' because I wanted something 'Good' in my life to hag on to and I feared letting go al delusions that are Family related and stand alone in this World having to face the Ugliness of what we have accepted and allowed in the name of Money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my mum 'Good' in my eyes out of the Guilt and Shame I felt for how I handled my relationship with her, not seeing, realizing and understanding that if we are on this Planet, we can't be Good and no one can be trusted until All of Us walk out of our Mind Consciousness system that seeks only self interest, to stand for what is Best for All, as Life, as One and Equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that kids are patronized into existence, which means owned as Patron is the Master of the Colonies and Plantation, where the seeds as children never had a chance to grow up to be the best they could be because the System through the Parents told them to 'Be Nice' and not make waves of any kind that could upset the Status Quo

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that we never grow out of our education and the proof is in the British Etiquette for when we share a table and agree that we won't talk about Religion, Politics or Money, which is not so as to not have anyone upset, but so as to not have the System upset by people getting together discussing their Mind Control and how did we end up believing that the World the way it is makes any sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'Be Nice' and pass on this desease to other kids I interacted with when Being Nice meant that we had to be something else, do something else and mainly accept things the way they are without making a 'fuss' about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my mu last night said 'no, it's not that I don't see this World, I just accept it' feel a void inside of me and then when I saw THAT sentence as how I myself moved into acceptance of the World as it is to feel annoyed and patronizing toward her, wanting to say 'you don't know shit' just because I felt patronized by her speech that said 'I don't stand in your way to wanting to change the world, I hope YOU do, I am here waiting for you to do it' but regardless of her words what I heard was 'go on little system, go and face the truth of this unchangeable world then YOU'll see WHo has lost touch with Reality'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel patronized, because this word means owned, which means I have accepted and allowed myself to be owned by ideas and beliefs and the gicing up of others, aligning myself to 'giving up' and Being Nice and Positive because this is what will keep this system in place, the Happy Slaves we have become under the Imaginary banner of Freedom, when in fact we have never been Free and as far as Happy goes, we have managed to be biochemically Happy and that would be about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself when I see that I don't want to see my mother this week end but then 'I think' maybe is because I want to retaliate, it's because I want to patronize HER now and cast her aside for Being Nice and for having become a convoluted bundle of emotions and feelings that I am not discerning clearly and for not trusting myself and my self honesty I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, to always have to think things over before I make a decision, because I believe that I don't know what I want and now I believe that everything I want could be tainted with an agenda that I am not yet able to see in full and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it makes any difference if I se my mum or not this week end, instead of seeing and realizing nothing that happens outside has any power over us, unless we decide it does and for gicing my power away to outside events, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be moved by external event, by someone outside of myself into thinking or feeling something, when in fact no one exists outside of me, but the World as a Mirror, to point out where I am still holding on to Ideas and Beliefs that keep me in Place, being Nice against All Odds and for asking others to Be Nice to me as a way to secure for myself 'Good Feelings vs negative Emotions' I forgive myself

I commit myself to stop my existence as a brick of the being 'Nice' movement as I see, realize and understand that being 'Nice' is a way to support this system and not make waves, it is a way to separate myself from this system in fear of rejection,  in fear that the system can't be changes and I better align myself through niceness to not rock any boat

I commit myself to stand for a Change as the Change that is required in this World, owning the point that we are the bricks  that needs changing and we need to turn our existence from a flimsy make belief into Matter, because only Matter Matters and each one's change into a substantial existence is required to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, for a real Change to take place for All.

Related articles

• Day 191: Mind Control - The Dark Side of "Hope"
• Day 64 - Facing the Reality
• Day 91 - What Moves Me?
• Day 107: Getting Reality to Conform to an Illusion
• Day 193: Punishment Fits The Crime
• Day 200: After Death Communication - Part 49

Day 183: When I Stop Fearing Me, I Can Stop Fearing You

This is a Follow up to My Previous Blogs on the Character "I don't need Anybody":

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I don't Need Anybody
Don't You Dare Hitting Me
I Hate you Mommy Dearest

One Day I'll Fly Away


Physical Reactions

• Stomach tightening
• Chest tightening
• Feeling constricted in breath
• Heat in my face and ears

Consequences

• Emotional build up
• Toxic relationship build up that as it became heavier I no longer knew how to address
• Overactive Mind activity
• No trust in others as I didn't trust myself for my extensive back chat against my mother even though on the outside I 'looked normal'
• Not wanting to get close to anyone for real because if my mother had a desire to hurt and harm me, what about strangers, how could I ever trust anybody for real?
• Fear of relationships and commitments

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through accessing my 'I don't Need Anybody' Character to go into physical reactions such as stomach and chest tightening, accepting and allowing my breath to become constricted, perceiving the heat rushing up to my face and ears in rage as this Character is born out of Spitefulness and the desire to Harm and for entertaining this Character to the point of Physical discomfort of myself and others Equal and One, I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, through pride and the desire to be superior, in fear of being weak and inferior, embody this 'I don't Need Anybody' Character', careless of the Consequences I would have to walk by my own statement that 'I don't Need Anybody' when in fact I was a wreck always needing somebody to prove my worth and my reason and purpose for my existence and for giving up on myself as myself in favour of a Character out of Fear and the desire to retaliate, I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I embodied the 'I don't need anybody Character' move into my backchat, feeling authorized by my 'not needing anybody' to build up reasons why I was right and someone else was wrong so I could sustain the point that 'I did not need to need them' as they were wrong-er than me, faulti-er than me, and through this build up of toxic backchat put myself in a position where the possibility to express myself and go back onto my steps to self correct, diminished exponentially, as I wanted because I did not want to have to look at an event, see how I had abused and take it back but wished to blame it on someone else instead, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create Consequences for myself  and others to walk as a result of creating, embodying and then believing to be the 'I don't need anybody' Character and for subjecting myself to toxic build up due to my own participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings within the secret of my Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I looked for justifications and excuses about 'Why I REALLY didn't need anybody' create an over active Mind, in search for reasons, faults, mistakes that I could store away for that moment when I would step into this Character and I would be searching for the toxic/dirt file on somebody so I could, apparently, rid myself of them from my mind, never seeing how unsuccessful this all movement was and insisting throughout my life, upping the toxic upload, storing poison that I hoped would one day kill them so I would not have to face the regret for the things I did wrong that I did not know how to correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own backchat, believing THAT THING could not be me, believing it was just a defence mechanism I was entitled to because I was sure everyone else was doing the same, I KNEW my family was as I had gotten slammed with the toxic/dirt files they held against me, and even though I experienced the constant crippling fear of an existence under scrutiny wondering what did I say or do during a day that had been filed up into the secret mind and toxic/dirt archives of my family for future uses, I did the same to others, believing that this game was just about WHO could store more toxic information to win the final battle, not realizing that as I wished to win the final toxic battle I had to accept and allow myself to become the most toxic of them all, and for this I forgive myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to a point of such distrust of myself due to my toxic files that I could no longer trust anybody 'out there', while in fact I simply did not trust myself in here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother as I perceived her first blow up as a personal attack that mined my safety and since then associating every blow up of anyone to myself personally and to FEAR, moving into adrenaline discharges so wild that I would physically shake as I attacked back, perceiving the damage I was doing to my physical body and yet unwilling to stop because really 'I didn't need anybody' after all and I had to get even! Even at the cost of my physical body being harmed in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I did not trust myself and the inner workings of myself as the Mind, be suspicious of each and every relationship, always wondering what THEY were hiding from me, when in fact it was me hiding from myself stuff that I feared I had stored somewhere and then hid so I would not have to feel the shame of all the skeletons in the closets I filed in perceived 'self defense' turning myself into a cemetery of memories, an archive of horrors from which I feared I would never be able to escape.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create Isolation for myself as the Character that 'doesn't need anybody', fearing human interactions and ultimately what I would do as my imaginary 'Contingency Plans' whenever I had a chance, and within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lead a life in which I feared myself and others, One and Equal.



When and as I see myself interacting with someone with whom I have built or I am in the process to build a relationship with and see myself tempted to move into my inner aloofness which activates my inner evil archivist, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer wish to live like a repository of others' 'perceived' mistakes and falls instead I bring myself back here so as to make sure that I won't be filing information in and as my 'Inner Evil Archivist' Character, but instead will be present Here in breath to grow and expand myself and another with me One and Equal through Self Honest, Secret-Agenda-Free interactions

When and as I see myself moving into fear or about to move into fear that a relationship may becoming important, I stop, Breathe, see, realize and understand that I am Equalizing myself to make All relationships of my Life Equally Important as in relationships I care for, and that there is nothing to fear such as loss of the relationship or myself, but instead an opportunity to become intimate with another in Self Honest Shared Presence

When and as I see myself fearing the loss of a relationship or of myself within a relationship, I stop, Breathe, I see realize and understand that only Characters can get lost and only Characters Fear and that if I keep myself coming back to Breathe consistently I can develop the relationship with myself that I have always been seeking and that I can never lose, no matter what

When and as I see myself trying to brush off someone or a situation through my 'I don't need anybody' Character, I realize I have activated a fear as I stepped into this Character, so I breathe through the Fear,  breathe myself out of this Character and I investigate what triggered the fear so I can address the point and brick by brick, dismantle this Character and its useless existence

I commit myself to investigate this point until I no longer wish or desire to step into this Character and to see which triggers still exist so I can address them all to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

Related articles

• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest
• Day 182: One Day I'll Fly Away
• Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...
• Day 153: I'm not 'That Kind of Woman' - Character
• Day 103: Expectation Character Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 181: I Hate you Mommy Dearest

This is a Follow up to my Previous Posts
links at the bottom

The Solitude of Prime Numbers
I Don't Need Anybody
Don't you Dare Hitting Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take what my mother said to me in moments of anger personally and to believe that if she said those things to me about me, than THAT must be who I was, instead of seeing and realizing she was just venting her bottled up energy on me because I was the only one around with whom she felt 'comfortable' 'letting it all out'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when those moments of anger and frustration built up with my mother, believe that she did not love me such as the mothers from fairy tales books who seemed all so loving and nice and not bitchy and wild like my mother was, failing to see that the fairy tales mothers are just that, fairy tales, designed to make us feel victimized and 'not good enough' while the truth of this world is that most mothers are maladjusted as they juggle many roles with no clue about raising children and how they are in fact impacting their lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, after the blow up episodes with my mother, retreat into my mind, thinking up ALL the ways she should have/could have behaved if she DID love me, confirming to myself that I was not in fact loved and using this information to build up Spitefulness in and as me, together with a Character that has Imaginary lists of "Requirements' to be fulfilled as a proof of rock solid Love, according to fairy tales and storytelling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as a result of my beliefs that there is 'a right way to love' set Con-ditions to my relationships that had to be fulfilled, because I could not do anything for the 'non loving' attitude of my mother, which was my own definition of her as unfulfilling the 'imaginary requirements' I had set for a 'Loving Mother', but I could for sure set conditions to my relationships and every time they would not be fulfilled I would just walk away, because by then, I could

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to backchat myself about the point that my mum did not care about me because I deliberately defined 'caring' as in 'doing something for me' to fulfill ideas and opinions I had already built up about mothers who had to 'sacrifice' for their children and since she wasn't doing enough sacrificing for me to prove her worthy motherhood, I felt entitled to my belief that she was not caring about me so I would build up credits to cash in later by making her feel bad about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within my secret mind, entertain the thought that 'as soon as I could I would leave', because this secret though became a foundation of my personality and how I lived out my relationships, always with a foot in and a foot out, collecting credits until I felt entitled to start my 'I'm leaving' plots first inside of myself and then speak them out loud, leaving the other person in the relationship always insecure, forcing them to then do the things I wanted them to do or say the things I wanted to hear to confirm my value as a Character, a value from which I separated myself seeking for value and Worth outside instead of standing and living as Self Value and self Worth as mySelf, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the crap that I had to do things, attain landmarks, make something of me, failing to see that in the making I separated myself from me as who I am, wanting to be something else, desiring to be more, accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was Not Good enough, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within my secret mind, define my mother as Evil and Cruel, projecting on her my own Self Judgement of myself as Evil and Cruel because I did not seem to have the filters everyone had about themselves and the workings of my devious Mind were quite blatant and easily visible and since I could not deal or handle, or that was what I believed at the time, the Evil workings of my secret Mind, I projected my own self judgement of myself on others, making them the bad ones and myself, at worse, the retaliat-or, a retaliation to which I told myself I was entitled because 'I was NOT the one who started this"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hatred, become hatred as I built up my reasons why my hatred was in fact justified, instead of seeing and realizing I lived my own Self Hatred as Who I am and then looked for reasons and people I could discharge it on so I wouldn't have to look at how and why I was experiencing myself in and as self hatred, because that would have been the admission that there was in fact something wrong and faulty with me as The Mind but I suppressed it because I did not have the tools to deal with such experience of myself and for believing I was the Hatred I felt and for projecting it on others I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the reason why I believed I hated my mum was because, due to taking things she said and did personally, I experienced self hatred as my own unworthiness and uselessness and I experienced myself as 'not being enough/not good enough' to bring balance to this family and my mum, not being a good enough reason for joy or the gratefulness that books about mothers said that mothers experienced in the presence of their children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to this experience of self hatred that I harbored inside of myself as myself and for abusing myself with emotions and feelings, living on a swing from which I did not know how to get off, wishing for a 'happy life' while I lived a miserable one, preparing the road for myself to seek solutions for this perceived encagement onto a swing that ended up in later on abusing myself with mind altering substances, seeking the relief from my own self created experience as I did not know how to support myself effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within the starting point of Fear that I was useless in bringing on the 'hahpy Family' of 'Happy days' and I was in fact a burden, to think within my secret mind that I did not need my mum or anyone for that matter, as I feared rejection and the moment in which I would be told 'you are useless, look, you did not help at all to turn this into a happy/Happy days family, go away, go to the boarding house, we return you to the sender' and as such I would build this armour affirming that it was ME not needing HER and then THEM later on, which was not an affirmation of stability as in 'I am enough to myself' but based in fear and terror that they would get rid of me and unless I was prepared I would just break in pieces and would never be able to put myself back together again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up Spitefulness as me, as a result of my own self inflicted suffering that I blamed on others, desiring to inflict the same suffering I experienced, hoping that removing myself from a relationship would cause the same fear and suffering that I experienced in and as myself, justifying my spitefulness as 'natural' because it was natural and human nature to desire to retort and retaliate, as I saw my family do to each other and the justifications we lived in and as such as 'she did this because he/she did that', meaning that it was OK and perfectly normal to 'get back at someone' instead of seeing that this was our sick nature we accepted and allowed and turned into 'the way things are, the normality of our insanity', failing to see that whatever we do we do to ourselves, both the experience we create and the retaliation, which in fact qualifies us for doubly insane, and yet within all the signs of our insanity I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ' this is the way things are' and within the way things are, seek for my place in the world using whatever I learnt to position myself, no matter how damaging or the price I or others would have to pay for it, and for this I forgive myself 

to be continued...

Related articles

• Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers
• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...
• Day 165: On the take
• Day 135: Is self-intimacy beautiful?
• Day 112: Delving Into Acceptance Issues
• Day 164: After Death Communication - Part 13

Day 180: Don't you Dare Hitting me...

This Blog is a Follow up to: The Solitude of Prime Numbers & I Don't Need Anybody - Character
links at the bottom of the page

OK, so just starting with this structure of Characters deconstruction and my buddy and a friend reminded me that Thoughts are in fact images, which when I looked again it did bring up an image of my mother hitting me which made me fear that she did not want me anymore, which made me want to not want her anymore and extend this rejection in fear of being rejected to everyone else, which in fact created a suppressed denied desire for relationships, what a fuck up.

So today looking at the though dimension as a picture I have imprinted myself with and which I have layered into one picture seemingly even though it's not the first one because we were already living in our second apartment but it's the representation of those moments of utter fear I felt when I had the perception of being too small to do anything to protect myself and that I lacked both resources and knowledge to walk away, considering I did not even know where to go or how to survive.

Thought dimension:

Picture (could be a composite)

My mother screaming at me and her face going evil, her hands trembling, her eyes changed while she raised her right hand to hit me, me covering my face while she hit me where I did not protect myself with my hands and the contact of her hand with my face, the physical pain and the physical shame (don't know how to express this because I don't remember this as an emotion but as a physical being ashamed for her to hit me that way)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the picture of myself sitting on a chair while my mother shouted to not respond, to just shut my big mouth or there would be consequences, but because I could not shut up my mouth without feeling defeated and diminished I had to speak up for myself becoming the trigger that would unleash my mother bottled up anger and turn it physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the experience of humiliation without realizing it was a self created experience but instead allowing myself to feel defeated and diminished and disempowered as a consequence of my own self created experience, for which I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this picture of myself as disempowered, not knowing what to do, having to sit and wait for this woman to just walk toward me and hurt me, fearing the physical impact and what I would experience if she did hit me, having the memory of the palpitation of the negative expectation of troubles to come, that could not be avoided because I did not consider the moment and how much my mother was under stress, instead I saw that moment as her condemnation, as the moment in which IF she did hit me, I don't know what I wold have done, I would no longer hold myself back (HAHA) and for fearing in fact the emotional experience I would have to go through, as hatred and desire to retaliate that I had experienced before when she hit me or abruptly touched me physically in a way that I defined and then felt trespassing and abusive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this picture of the moment in which her hand landed on my face, feeling her fingers even when she had already lifted her hand from my face, feeling utterly humiliated that she would even dare do such a thing, wanted to say 'how do you dare' but not having the vocabulary to put my feelings into words to express my endless indignation and for believing that now that she DID hit me I was entitled to hate her and desire to retaliate, because she brought this on herself, not realizing that we all lived out on friction in this reality, and as I stood as the point of friction, so did she, as the lives of those that have nothing to look forward to seem to become 'lively' and meaningful only in such outburst of energies, which it doesn't matter if they give rise to good feelings or negative emotions, as long as we get to experience that moment of aliveness that seems missing from our lives at all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the moment in which I was physically hit, and then dragged myself through the experience of humiliation for having caused such moment to even take place and then since I could not stand both the abuse and the responsibility for it, I blamed my mum for being the cause of my misery, wanting to hold on to such a moment as proof of my future entitlements as the pay back of her fuck ups, never giving up on my perceived credits because I had the PROOF within me that she did in fact fuck up when she hit me and she shouldn't think she would be left off the hook so easily because now I got her and as I held on to this retaliatory excuse I bound myself to that moment which caused me to create experiences of further cycles of abuse and entitlement as I kept playing out the same loops until now

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I felt fear for what was coming, imprint myself with the image of my mothers movement, her eyes darkening, how she threateningly moved toward me, so I could be sure that I could always read the signs of something negative to come from anyone as I stored away the images of 'how it is done' what comes before a blow, and within this image stored in fear allowing myself to fear my mother whenever one of these signs would come up, such as trembling hands, which then led to extensive situations of tension as I lived in anticipation of being harmed, until she would, out of the desperation of perceiving me on the defensive for no apparent reason, locking her out of any possible communication as I waited for the blow - even when later in life it was unreasonable to expect such a blow up  I would still live out my automated robotic reactions - live out her frustration as I confirmed that 'you see, this is what you do' instead of seeing myself as the cause unnecessary un-required friction for which I did not take self responsibility to change myself from the cause to the solution

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support my mum as an Equal, by letting go of the Past, because in my Self Interest it was a credit I  could always cash in on, no matter how long a time I kept this woman jailed to her past, jailing myself one and equal, standing in the way of my ability to respond as self responsibility and preventing myself to grow and expand into everything I could have been and become, so that I could make a point, again and again, of how wrong she was when I was so very right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, due to this image and the fear and humiliation associated to it, build up such a point of resistance to my mum that for years I felt physically repulsed by the vicinity of my mother, a point for which I felt ashamed, trying to look for faults to blame in her to justify this repulsion, such as that she was sloppy and did not take good care of herself, lining up with my grandmother and using her reasons to justify what was in fact my own behavior for which I was not willing to take responsibility and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject my mum in fear of being rejected as this was one of the point of this moment that I defined as a possibility as I took this moment personally, as if there was something wrong and faulty with me and she may decide to return me or that she may just have secretly hoped to have another kid and not me, which in this point of my imaginary self created rejection would lead me to backchat and creating a Character that rejects All, such as the "I don't need anybody' Character, condemning myself to solitude for years in fear of rejection, and for this I forgive myself.

Related articles

• Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers
• Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character
• Day 149: You hurt my feelings character
• Day 98: Morality Character Self-Forgiveness statements continued 3...
• Day 150: Matrix of FLESH is SELF
• Day 139: The Rapture and True Activism
• Day 180: After Death Communications - Part 29