Day 357: I am not 'The Fonz'

When I was a kid there was a show on TV called 'Happy Days'.

I liked The Fonz, he was the cool guy of the group and while I liked everything about the most famous show ever to introduce both 'The American Way of Life' and 'The American Dream', I liked him best because everyone was impressed by him and everyone feared him.

It is amazing to look back at the models that shaped who we have become as we have picked and mixed people's characteristics to come up with personalities decent enough to walk on the stage of this world without feeling lessened by our own presence and how much Hollywood worked hard to churn out more and more characters that we could copycat, finding our own 'originality' by piecing together the things that stood out as 'valuable' -to create value for ourselves, never realizing how unoriginal in fact we have all become nor that the people we worshiped where characters too, that outside of the screen they had troubled lives more often than not, lives of which we knew nothing nor cared to know about because we were always and only looking for 'accessories' to add to our 'projected images' so that we may be more than others as we accepted that life is nothing but a competition for survival.

One of the most famous of Fonz quirks was his inability to say 'I'm sorry', understandably so, he was the coolest guy who was always right and when not he could make others so afraid they would be the ones conceding to him that they were wrong infact.

So I associated the word cool with 'never say sorry' and this is one point that came up the other day when I did something I could have avoided, someone around me reacted and said what I said was hurtful and made him feel exposed as if there was no safety in our relationship and then because I couldn't in the moment say I was sorry I went on to list what He had done wrong which was more serious, had more weight, was more reproachable than my joke, all the while entertaining the nagging feeling that I could have just said 'I'm sorry' and stop myself from participating in needless retaliation seeking to be right at all costs when I was not at all.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that saying 'I'm sorry' within intimate relationships is Not Cool and for defining coolness within the behavior of 'never say I am sorry'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be cool because being cool meant an extra buffer between me and the rest of the world which I believed I needed for extra safety instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was just afraid of others because I feared myself and what was going on in my mind about others and I assumed they may have the same stuff going on about me in their mind -and that was frightening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when speaking the words 'I am sorry' within an intimate relationship, to perceive a loss of power, a diminishment in the admission that I was wrong and had made a mistake instead of seeing and realizing that by my saying 'I am sorry' I was in fact correcting the mistake I had realized I made and not in any way diminishing or belittling myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear saying 'I am sorry' within my intimate relationships in case the other was keeping a black book about me, as I did about them, where they noted all my mistakes so they could call me out any time like my mother did and like I did to others as I copied the pattern of behavior that my mother showed me within a 'close relationship'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes in case they would be held against me for the natural duration of my life because I never seemed to do good enough to delete my mistakes from the black book my mother held against me and for believing that it was appropriate and convenient to hold a black book of others' mistakes so I could use them to put them back in their place whenever I saw fit or whenever I felt myself threatened into having to admit I had made a mistake myself but theirs was graver, more serious, they were in fact wrong-er than I ever was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that we have to participate in this score keeping about others and our own mistakes, never letting go and within this supporting the construct of the unforgiving nature of this world because what is acceptable for me, what I allow in the small manifests in the big and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that there is no value in score keeping regarding miss-takes of myself or others but only in the practical application of my correction as I show myself that I am taking response-ability for my words, thoughts and deeds all the way into self correction and as I keep walking my self corrections I accumulate the self trust about my ability to change, my ability to not repeat what has not worked in the past for myself and others equally and within this self trust I can trust others, I can give others the benefit of the doubt so that they too may walk their self correction instead of being held down by my ledger of wrong doings that defines them and me equally as unforgiving and unforgiven

When and as I see myself feeling resistance when I see that I should apologize for something I said or did, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have seen clearly this point as a desire for value above another and that I no longer want to support my mind's desire to be more than another through my unforgiveness and that I want a forgiving world for myself and others so that we may realign to Life, let go of all our past mistakes and move together to find solutions that work for all

When and as I see myself desiring to take out my little black book where I mark other people's mistakes, I stop, breathe, tell myself that those little black books are the holes that we dig for ourselves individually and collectively and I no longer wish to be part of this system of blackmail of each other through our past mistakes, instead I breathe to let go and make sure I don't file anything about myself or another for later use

When and as I see myself fearing to lose value within a moment in which I can clearly see I should apologize, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no value in being right and making someone else wrong, that this values are only values of me as The Mind ans as such not valuable at all, instead I move for the value of supporting another as myself, as Life, within a movement of forgiveness of myself to end the desire of wanting to be right making someone else wrong as I see realize and understand that a forgiving world requires my forgiveness, the absolute forgiveness of myself first so I can extend it to others one and equal

I commit myself to, whenever I see myself being wrong, before I move into the Mind to look for excuses and justifications about why I am entitled to do so, be so, act so, to stop, breathe and ask another the forgiveness that I grant myself in the breathe I take, before I speak to take my responsibility for an interaction that did not work out to what is best for all.

Related articles

• Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia
• Day 183: When I Stop Fearing Me, I Can Stop Fearing You

Day 194: You can always find the Evil behind the Good..& not viceversa

Today I have listened to one of the Amazing Interview by Anu, titled "The Key to Life through Evil", it was a pretty amazing experience.

A few days ago I had listened to the "Force of Good", which was awesome too, but it didn't hit me in the same way, it is possible that I was hit more specifically by "Evil vs Good' just as a build up, because the 'Force of Good' felt disturbing and for sure I split while listening to it -the usual disappearing act-, not because I am not aware of the Evil of reality or of this Creation as Ourselves, just because it felt a bit like the news, too much bad/negative information in one go to process.

I have had very bad back pain for some time now, it is possibly a posture problem, I have added a cushion just because my mother commented that I was not sitting at the right height the last time she saw me, which was true, but it was a height and a stretch my body had adjusted to, and then I had a series of new adjustment pains that took over everywhere, from the back into my shoulder blades and my neck, it got better only when I stopped writing for a while. On the point of pain I need to write out as well, I have developed a personality with a High Pain Threshold, the Brave One -apparently- and take some pleasure in enduring my personal 'hair shirt', the proof of my endurance under the least auspicious of conditions. But this is for another Blog.

The point of today's Blog is the point of Evil, one sentence was particularly poignant in the interview and hit home: "you can always trace Evil back from Good" and interestingly enough, not viceversa.

You can't find anything good in Evil -no, positive thinking delusions and optimism do not apply as we are talking Reality in this instance-, in fact it is even truer that you need Evil for Good to exist.

To feel good, you must do something 'good' for someone who is 'out of luck' or 'feeling bad', there is never an example where Good can exist without Evil/Bad/negative being there first to create the very condition for Good to exist.

After the interview I had my own personal example. I boarded an almost empty bus and sat down, I still have issues with sitting down because my mother would make me stand as a kid because 'I did not need to sit' in case someone who needed the seat more than me, young and vibrant, would board the bus. If I had been allowed to sit, at the view of someone 'less fortunate' in age or physical condition I would have to get up and give my seat, my mum would give hers as well all according to 'who was the least fortunate', if she was, just by the fact of having a kid and possibly being loaded with bags, there would be a mental 'need' contest to assess who had more 'rights' to the seat. So I have 'seating' issues still and when I sit down even in an almost empty bus, I feel slightly guilty.

After a couple of stops a hoard of students boarded the bus, one run to sit in front of me, the bus filled up and all seats were taken, his friends gathered around him and one of them started to talk about his injured leg and how he should sit down as he was still recovering from an operation, his friend was laughing and trying to pretend he was not concerned, listening to his Ipod and looking out of the window.

Of course all my seating issues kicked in, so in my mind I went through the following backchat

• I should stand up and give him my seat - this was followed by another thought that said -you are just feeling guilty- which was true and the point was I would have stood up in guilt

Then I thought,

• if I get up I will be doing it 'to teach his friend a lesson', to show him what HE SHOULD HAVE DONE, that would be nasty

Next thought

• "he is playing the operation story to get a seat'

So I am debating with myself until I find another thought which is 

• 'why isn't his friend getting up to give him His seat?" 

This thought was the one that gave me the most relief, I had CLEARLY assessed that it was Not my responsibility to do something about it. Basically this is what goes on through our Minds on a daily basis, no matter what the subject is, we chat with ourselves until 'we feel better' about something, no matter what that entails, how much we have to 'wrong' and belittle someone else, all is fair and square until it happens in the 'secrecy' of my Mind.

The fact that such backchats has been glamourized by Hollywood in movies or series such as Ally Mc Beal, where everyone finally got to SEE what was going on through someone's mind in FACT and not the outer presentation alone that was offered, it's worrisome, we are making movies about our Mental Sicknesses and attempting to 'normalize them', just because everyone does it, it doesn't make it Normal or any less Nasty or acceptable that we have a whole parade of Personae in our Mind talking to each other, we are just one degree away from Schizophrenia, the Schizophrenics are just unable to manage the secret chit chats 'inside' and they start to externalize them, this would be just about the 1 degree of difference that exists.

The fact that we are now a few steps ahead of our Madness doesn't make us any less mad, the new trend is 'to declare' our thoughts out loud 'I said that to make you feel guilty haha', "I said that to make you feel jealous, to make you suffer, to make you miss me'', 'I know I was manipulating him/her but I did it for his/her own good', we have an infinite list of declaration of apparent 'innocence', we insist though to never question Who we really Are through everything that goes on in Our Minds. Luckily implosion is what lies ahead for All of Us, we'll get to the point of being unable to contain the crap that we circulate back and forth and we'll be forced to face it, it happened to me, if you can hear don't wait, THAT is not the best of experiences and is NOT necessary either.

Back to today's incident, what I showed myself is that whatever choice I believed I had while 'thinking myself out of that situation', such as the ones offered by my backchat, once I start thinking, I Have In Fact NO Choice, because every choice offered is only for Me, this guy wasn't even in my pictured Mind reality, one choice was to do the 'right thing' so I could feel Good about Myself, One choice was to Not do the 'Right Thing' because I saw myself wanting to do that and so I could use that point as my justification to Not Act, Another Choice was to believe he was Lying, which would solve the question right out since he would then be At Fault and the last most relieving thought was 'it's someone else's responsibility to do the 'right thing', all this of course from a starting point of having decided what is the right thing to do as a kid when my mother made me do Her Right Thing so She Could Feel Good about Herself. 

Plus, if I had managed to feel good about myself by standing up, I could have done so only in the face of something bad, in this case 'an injured guy'.

SO, where is the choice between Good and Evil if not A Joke? Within our Minds, there is No Choice, there is Only the Evil Choice of the Self Interest of ourselves or the implanted choice of another in the process of feeling Good about themselves, and why are we seeking to feel Good? If we were honest about our lives, we could say that most of the time we don't feel Good hence we seek the Evil, the Bad, the negative as a stepping stone into 'our imaginary goodness'. Or we seek for it in another, failing to see we are just projecting ourselves in a Mirror, it's never about another, everything that happens in Our Minds is Who we Are.

We have to give up our Minds, our own existence as The Mind, what goes on there is not hidden, it's in full display in this World and obviously nothing to be proud of.

Today one of my friend who is not walking process with Desteni came to a self realization 'We need the Poor people, we need the ones that are one step below us, unluckier, more distraught, because this is HOW we make our own lives bearable'. So in self Honesty each one of us can see the truth of Ourselves and why we need to change, there is No Good to Save, we can safely move on, nothing of Value will be lost and we'll have to lose it all, face the Fear of 'Losing Our Minds' to walk into Life as Life.

So, for those interested in unveiling the truth of this existence, support yourself with the Interviews available at Eqafe, they are Not Uplifting, reality can't be uplifting, this is why we made up so much crap to cover it up, but it is liberating, discovering that you are Not Mad after All but just plain Evil in Disguise is the way to go, Life can be reclaimed by Each One of Us, skip and hop over the Good, that part is Not Real, so we can all get down to the nitty-gritty of our own Evilness and stop this Creation that is manifesting outside the Truth of our Being-ness inside, until we change that, nothing will change, and as everyone can see a Change is required, the sooner we get on with it, the more chances we have to save something of ourselves and of this world with and as us, so we may create a World where Evil no longer exists and Life is Honoured in a World that is Best for All.

Tomorrow I will walk my Self Forgiveness for the Evil as Me. It will sure take some posts to unravel that.

Related articles

• Evil has Become Much Stronger than the Good
• 194. Let the Mask Fall!
• 195. The Righteousness of Evil
• Day 173: The Queen of Spades - Looping Memories as The Shackles Within
• Facing the Evil within - the KEY to Self Awareness - Day 188
• Comparison is a Bitch - Day 212

Day 26: Relationship Failures - Fantasy vs Reality

Even before meeting Desteni I knew that something was not right within the Relationship system, as women we grow up with such losers as role models that Need a Man to Be Happy that it is clear that there is a Fantasy imprinting from society and Family that revolves around Relationships.

A few years ago I bought some Politically Correct Fairy Tales for the daughter of my Best friend, where Little Red Riding Hood actually killed the wolf and moved on to a 'successful life', Sleeping Beauty woke up by herself, and Cinderella run away from the Stepmother house.

Today I see that even when we try "to right the wrong" of the stories, we are still trapped inside a Polarity system within a fantasy world of the Mind.

We only have two polarities to play, we either win or lose, and we keep going even after the break ups, in the way we tell the story as a way to gain value and not lose it, Relationships as they are today are plainly pathetic and nothing to look forward to.

Today at the Gym, I chatted with a lady and we moved onto the usual questions : 'Are you married ? kids?', so I told my story and then she told her story. Since she just had kids, one was 3 and one was 4 years old, I 'assumed' she had a good relationship.

This is obviously an idiotic assumption, as it has been proved that relationships as were intended, based on the energy of attraction and sex, cannot last beyond 2 years, men stop producing the hormones that keep them interested and 'devoted', and women resent the change in interest, more or less all the stories seem to develop along the same lines, it's either Cheating to find again the excitement of the beginning with someone else, the Desire and the feeling of being Desired, which is nothing but a surge of Energy, or they just die out in suppression and unhappiness inside the perceived unfullfillment for both, until resentment sets in for good,  this is in the 95% of cases, the other 5% were possibly preprogrammed to have good relationships and become points of comparison and competition, resulting in the widespread sense of being a failure and being inadequate of the remaining 95%.

The lady went on and told me her relationship in fact sucked, she went on to say that the best is when 'the man is much more 'in love' than the woman, much more involved than the woman, she should just care a little when he cares a lot, that is the best way'

'When she said this I remembered my grandmother having the same advice, she had plenty of advices about how 'to handle men', a string of passed on manipulations that went from pillow talk, trading sex for favours (recently an ex boyfriend told me that when we used to play cards I would bet a blow job -he thought it was endearing-..., but of course..., conveniently suppressed and removed, because the shame and guilt  I have lived for who I have been within manipulation and self interest of my secret mind within my relationships was just too much to face, so stuff kept piling up and I kept feeling less and looking for lesser men to mirror myself and what I had allowed and accepted myself to become as the system embodiment of a 'perfect woman', exchanging Sex for 'love' and lying about both), to the plain keeping secrets or lying 'for his own good or because it was just the best thing to do'.

When I was in Hong Kong women were reading the new books about 'how to get a man, keep him, make him happy, successful relationships, 10 sex positions' as we admitted things were not working and we looked for ways to twist and turn even further into oblivion, it's clear that we need Relationship Training, we suck at relating to each other, our communication skills are lost within the Games of the Mind, while the Education System teaches us things as useless as Algebra - that I have not used once since I left school for any reason whatsoever - we are not taught how to create self responsible relationships that work, our Relationship failure rate is astounding and relationships are the Family foundation where children are born and then fucked up for Life, imprinted with the same failures of the parents and all the other couples who pretend to be fine while they entertain all sorts of nasty thoughts about  each other in secret and how to move on at the earliest chance with the least financial damage possible. 

Yes, relationships of today are just another trading place, we trade who we are for Money, our Life for a Dream, lost in the Illusions and Dreams of the Mind, running after one Energy fix after another to define ourselves and the lives we live into successful experiences.

The Love of the fairy Tales is a lie, there are only 2 places for that kind of Love, Disneyland and Holly-wood, through which we keep knocking each other on the head with pictures and images of what will never be that we may live to long for, until the end of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to brainwash myself with fantasy stories about relationships and what to expect from relationships denying myself the chance to in fact experience a real relationship with someone in my life as I lost myself in my mind of dreams and expectations that were and cold never be fulfilled

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the creation and support of a system of manipulation of men because they are just dumb and led by their dicks, instead of seeing that I myself have been sex driven and made myself Stupid with Sex and Desire for sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge men as dumb for being led by their dicks, instead of realizing they existence like mine was preprogrammed and Sex played a particular role in existence and we have all been driven to Sex for the purpose of manufacturing Energy for Heaven

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dumb myself down following my own desires for Sex and my Sex drive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade my physical body and an act of self expression on a card game just to spice it up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that physical expression of me as Self is not good enough and I need to spice it up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate men into relationships through sex, just because I could

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find value for myself in being desired and for manipulating desires out of men because I needed an energy fix and an Ego boost to keep me going as a system of Energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a fairy tale romance that sweeps me off my feet, instead of realizing every time I allow myself to be swept off my feet I will have to land again and at every landing I realize I have lost something of myself through the Energy games of me as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be hugged by a man because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not enough to myself and that I need a man to be complete

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my desire to be hugged by a man, because I judge myself as weak for not standing alone and being enough to myself 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself o judge myself as weak for desiring a relationship and because I did not want to seem weak I suppressed tthis desire instead of facing it and reeasing it through Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject Love stories/movie in Fear that a longing will be activated in me about not having one and desiring one underneath my suppression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my desire for a fairy tale romance because I have realized they are not real, yet I have not let go this point because, one never knows

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to engage the last man that wrote to me into a conversation when he has been clear about wanting a relationship and I am not wanting one for real and I would be only manipulating him to give me the energy fixes I crave

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use men to get my energy fixes because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not enough and tha I am in fact an Energy system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being approached by a man because I don't yet trust myself that I won't move automatically into personality games of seductions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to stand for what is best for me and What is Best for All, One and Equal, outside of Energy games of me as the Mind

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire/delusion of a romance to live as an Energy fix, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am equalizing myself with men and everything that exists and that I will no longer do to others what I don't want done to me, as everything is me as Self in this Creation and I move to stand in and as Oneness and Equality as Life and What is Best for All for.

When and as I see myself longing or about to move myself into longing for the perfect Fairy Tale romance due to activation of my accepted and allowed preprogramming, I stop, breathe, remind myself that only if and when I let go of the delusion will I be able to experience Life as Myself and have a real supportive relationship with another Human being in which both of stand for Life in Oneness and Equality in Self Support for What is Best for All

I commit myself to no longer participate in Energy Games based on the use and abuse of Men and to expose to myself where I am still walking a program of Inequality to Self Correct so I can stand as Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to no longer support or be part of the system of manipulation of each other of and as relationships until I can trust myself to be able to walk and stand as an Equal to a Man, in self support, for Life and what is Best for All.