Sunday, June 24, 2012

Day 69: I get Money Support: I regress

Since I came back to Italy I have not found a job, I have not looked as if I were dying because I was not, and so I have diligently sent out CVs and letters in my area of expertise for Italian, and since one month, for worldwide positions.
My mum asked me how I was doing with money 2 days ago, and I said I am living on the credit card, which she pointed out is a debt Card, funny how just words will change the way we 'feel' about things, I felt 'better' when I saw myself living on Credit than living on Debit.
Then she offered me some money, she told me I must become thrifty in the way I shop until I have a job (in comparison to my famous lavish spending habits -of the past-) and she told me she too lives a thrifty life, that I can buy the salad at the market and wash it for the whole week instead of the one prepared by the supermarket, this way I can have salad for 1 euro for the week instead of buying it for 6 euro prewashed, mixed and cut, it's a small saving but it all adds up.
She told me as well that many generations before us had it harder, they had wars to overcome, and this is just a tiny economical bump on the road and we will overcome, together united, until the next 'good times ' come.
While I was listening to her I felt irritation that at my age I have to be 'told' about where and how to buy the salad I eat and about watching the unfolding of how brainwashing is done to children, where we are taught that hardships are normal unless we are born rich and we have to just clench our teeth and push and pull until we make it, transforming ourselves and the world in a Monstrosity of Competition for Survival of The Fittest within a World of UnEquals.
Ah the power of Money, Money buys us the power of lecturing and telling others what to do and who to be, or this is what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and have applied consistently in the position of the 'Money Giver' throughout my Life.
It seems this belief runs across cultures as well, my ex Filipino helper used to say 'Money Talks' as she held the tight strings of a family of 12 back in the Philippines supporting everyone with the money she was making in Hong Kong and dictating how was everyone supposed to live and be, since they lived off her hand.
I did not address this reaction to the 'salad talk' 2 days ago because it was slight and ALMOST imperceptible and basically I believed she was just RIGHT lecturing me since she was the one giving the money to give me some breathing space, so yesterday when my mum called me in the evening for the 2nd day in a row, a habit we had managed to change as we don't have enough to talk everyday, I felt annoyed and irritated again and our conversation ended up not being pleasant, nothing to do with her of course, it was just me, having suddenly regressed into the personality of when I was a teenager and had to be supported (and resented it, as support equaled no decision power for myself) and when we talked about the Condominium meeting on Tuesday I was resisting going, as if it was not my problem, this is her house, I am penniless=powerless and obviously de-mented so what can I contribute of value ? I even saw myself doing this, but not the root cause, I just held that it was not 'for me' to go, I have no responsibility, I am 'kept'.
On the other hand of this 'being kept' I had a first time experience in my Life, Desteni offered me sponsorship until I walk myself back into the system, before I spoke to my Buddy, I went into fear of all the things I would now be required to do being on the "dole" like making videos which is a point of stress  because the 2 half days I have spent to try to work out how to record it didn't work and is another point of facing 'something new' to add to the pile, so I assumed I would have to align to a list of things to do and would have to comply, having lost my negotiating power by being now supported and now a Money Provider to the project, instead I was not asked anything, which sent me into a state of anomaly, like I lacked the 'driver' as in an operating system to tell me 'now what', what am I supposed to do now, where is my To DO List, the catch ?
As I write this my eyes swell up with tears as I realize I have never given anything for anything in my life and everything I have given, including 'feel good energy', sex and Money, had strings attached, so here the realization is that we cannot change a system of Self Interest to What is Best for All, until each one of us Change themselves as The System of Self Interest into What is Best for All, so thank you Desteni for showing me what giving with no strings attached is and how relieved everyone would Equally Be if Money had No Strings Attached but was a real Life Support for All of Us and All Life forms on Earth as Earth, Equal and One.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritation toward my mother because of our talk in which I had to acknowledge that I have not been self responsible with my Life and my Money that I could have used to support myself longer instead of having to rely on the support of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry a myself for having walked away from a dream job that would have made me lots of Money, instead of seeing and realizing I had to walk away from everything before I could reassess my Life as in What is Best for All and not What was best for me in my Self Interested make up as a Mind Consciousness System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because 'I have missed out on a great opportunity to make Money' and within holding this self judgement not allowing myself to see the gift I gave myself to stop existing as a Self Interested Individual Unit of Energy/Money to realign myself to What is Best for All and myself as the All/Whole

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother for what she taught me about Life and accepting our position of suffering, which led me to built a personality of an overachiever, meaning over as in competing with others for Money and Status to guarantee my Survival in and as The System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for the point that whatever I was taught it was me accepting and allowing myself to become a Money making machine and within this I forgive myself for judging myself for my developed ability to make money, which now stands in the way of my return to the System as Self Judgement of myself in and as The System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Money Talks, as in Money has the real Power, which led me to desire to have Money as Power over others so I could dictate what they should do and what they should be to fulfill my desires of value and worth, while I separated myself from Self value and Self Worth Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life without Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who holds the Money has the Power and the responsibility for my Life, failing to see that it was me who gave up my self responsibility for Money desiring to 'be kept' missing the point that being kept means enslaving myself within my desire to Not be Self responsible

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not be responsible for myself and this Creation, Equal and One, hoping that either Money would uplift me from responsibility or I would abdicate it to the ones with Money of my own will

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I would have to do when Money/Support is given to me, because since everything I have given in my Life so far has always had strings attached, I fear which strings are attached to what is given to me in terms of Money/Support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when I saw that NOTHING I have ever given has been string-free and for desiring to hide this truth to myself about myself because I feel diminished in the acknowledgement of who and what I have allowed myself to become, instead I see I have the opportunity to change and learn how it is possible to give with No Strings Attached as I walk my process of elf Correction back into Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may not know how it is to give without strings attached and that I may fail again, instead of seeing that I have made a decision and if I should fail I will simply remind myself I have engaged myself automatically in and as The Mind, I stop, breathe, and correct myself until Giving with no Strings Attached becomes who I am and me as a piece of this world has corrected and realigned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to cut the strings that I have laid out through what I have given and received in the past, so that we may All break free from the bondage of this self created slavery of the Debt System and start to live as Life, for ourselves and existence Equal and One.

1 comment: