Day 57: I am not My Memories

“I am not my memories. I am my dreams.” ~ Terry Hostetler

Today I will look at the point of 'Being my Memories'.

Most of my Life I have tried to build 'good memories' to file, I have believed that Good Memories were a treasure, a space I could go back to when nothing seemed to work.

I never realized before that Memories in fact just Bind You, while I looked for a picture I found one that said exactly that, Memories That Bind You, Family Legacies, here is One of the Dictionary definition of Legacy:

Something handed down from an ancestor or a predecessor or from the past

Handed down, or transmitted.

So Memories are hands down from the past, they are not Life, they exist only in and as our Mind, hopefully filed to generate all over AGAIN, the good feelings that we felt when that event took place and we filed it for the first time, we file intentionally memories as experiences that were 'worth living'.

Then we have a truckload of the ones we did not seem to file intentionally, they just 'got filed, I have still many of these, they pop up with a life of their own, they have associations with words, images, emotions, the negative ones, because the ones I did not Intend to File are the Bad Memories, the Ones I wished I had not filed at All, yet I did not seem to have a choice, I have existed just as a Polaroid, snapping pictures at every Blinking of My Eyes, taking in everything as an Experience, transforming Life into Energy for my addiction, so I could feel Alive, I could always go back to my memory database and prove to myself that YES, I did live, look at my memory database, I existed, experienced, smelt, touched, tasted, felt a feeling or an emotion and then filed the package, I called it Experience, I called this being Alive.

Is this LIFE ?

And are we Really in charge of our Memories or actually since the filing has never taken place intentionally, no matter what we like to believe, is the process of Memory Filing something we have any control over, are we the Memories Keepers or are The Memories the Keepers of Us ?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could pick and choose which memories I would keep when I could see this was not true, because I have used memories to define Who I Am, and I wanted to believe I was in charge of my 'Who I am' Memory based experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am my past and that the past as memories created who I am, abdicating my responsibility to define Who I am through a Self Directive decision that is aligned to What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treasure the memories that made me feel good about myself not willing to let them go in fear that if I could not look back into me as memories as a way to feel good, I would just be feeling bad all the time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file good memories as a way to make sense of this shitty existence instead of realizing that it was because I feared this shitty existence of myself as myself that I had a need to file good memories to dig through when I would hit a bad patch

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling bad and the negative polarity of the good feelings as bad/negative emotions because I believed I was not in control of what I accepted and allowed within me as thoughts and the emotions and feelings that derived from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value memories more than Breath, because I did not see that Life was Here in every moment of Breath and one of the things that separated me from Life was my Memory Database that I treasured above Life Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the negative memories that popped up uncalled showing me that I was in no way in control of my memory database no matter what I liked to believe and for not investigating what were memories and how this filing came about while I was busy finding reasons and purposes that made living worthwhile

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a life experience is real just because I have memories to prove that I have in fact lived, failing to see that Life cannot be a string of hands down from the Past and that I was always living in the Past, either the one I was happy to have filed as 'good past memories' or the one I was NOT happy to have filed as in 'bad past memories'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life is an experience that is proved by the filing of memories that can be retrieved at will to prove the experiences as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept to hold on to the bad memories in fear I will have to let go the good ones as well and I will be left with nothing because I have defined Life as Memories and not Life as being Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my Past as the source of the memories that I did not intend to file, instead of seeing that I hate my Past because I blame it for who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and within this blame I gave up my self directive principle to decide that I am Not My Past and the Pictures that I have filed as a consequence of living in and as separation from Breath Here in every moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I would never be able to erase the memories that I never intended to file because I did not have the tools of self honesty and self forgiveness, instead I see now that I can let this fear go because when I see a memory pop up I can look at it, investigate it, see how and why I filed and self correct the moment of separation of that particular relationship to realign it to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my past and for believing that my past is who I am and that my past can define me without my acceptance and allowance to be defined by my past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and speak and believe that people don't change because I could not see myself changing no matter what I did, believing that once we had a past the past was ruling who we are, instead of seeing the past can only rule us if we accept it and allow it, having given to the Past power over and above Self, failing to see that the Past is energy based and not Life and that Life Here in the Physical in every moment of Breath doesn't rely on the Past as Experience of Relationships and that the past can be corrected to be realigned to Life as What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my Past is too vast to be taken on, instead of seeing I have always played out the same few patterns, which is the point of having lived in and as The Past, and that I am applying Self Forgiveness to severe my Energy connections to the Past so I can rewrite myself in and as What is Best for All, stopping my existence in and as The Past of Memories and Experiences that keep repeating over and over ad nausea

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my Past over and over again and for believing that it was Life as it was supposed to be, because everyone around me embraced the belief that 'it is our Past that shaped us and made us who we are' as if it was something to treasure after all, so I could justify why I would not let go even the shitty Past because my Past was Who I am, failing to see that within a Past of Self Abuse and Abuse there is nothing to treasure and that my willingness to give it up for Life and What is best for All must be absolute, to receive my own Absolution from and as my Past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my Past instead of seeing I lived my Past as a Mind Consciousness System, lost in and as The Mind, and that there cannot be Blame for who I have been but the decision to Stop who I have been in the realization that who I have been was not One and Equal to Life but One and Equal to Energy and the energetic experiences I held on to feel 'alive', missing out on Life Here in and as the Physical in every moment of Breath

I commit myself to Stop my existence in and as Memories, looking for the memories that come up in self honesty and what they are related to, so I can release them through Self Forgiveness and Self corrective application and start living Life, that is not Energy, but Here in the simplicity of every moment of Breath, One and Equal to everything that exists.