Saturday, June 23, 2012

Day 68: Rock Bottoming as a Way of Life

Today I went to cut my hair because the fringe was constantly in my eyes and so I decided it was time to attend to it, last time I went was over 3 months ago. It was interesting to walk into a nice hair salon behind my home and see that I was Not as self conscious as I used to be when I had gone through my rock bottoming times and reached 'fat and ugly'' as a perception of me in my own eyes according to images and ideas of what looking good and beautiful is like which is being fit and attractive.
This did not last long, once I sat in front of the mirror I had a shock and felt disgusted with myself, Tuesday I finally took the bull by the horns and went and weighted myself at the chemist, not that it was necessary to do so since my clothes that now laugh at me were already clearly indicating I had put on lots of weight, I went because my mum pushed me and when I saw I resisted I saw this was the breaking point of this spiralling down into oblivion I have had with food since I came back to Italy and the facing of myself and the obvious consequences of having fed myself a carbo diet of pizzas and pasta because I was too lazy to in fact care for myself properly, even though I am a walking encyclopedia of useless knowledge and information about nutrition and what is in fact good for me.
This is NOT the first time I have rock bottomed in my life in every possible way, of this clamour it should be the 3rd or 4th, when I have put on 20 chilos and then had to walk my way back to sanity and proper care.
But this pattern  I have not just applied it to food successfully, I have rock bottomed as a way of life, today while I was going to the market and analyzing this point I saw that I actually derive a pleasure from the going back into shape and a good Life, there is a satisfaction that I enjoy about playing the Russian roulette game with myself and surviving and then coming back from death, like I have achieved something.
The origin of this pattern I see it as both genetic, because my family has been on yoyo diets forever or some other kinds of fallout and then getting back on the wagon, whichever wagon it was, and how everybody celebrated the coming back onto the wagon, as an event, an experience that called for medals and clapping of hands and cheers and good feelings.
Basically I have been on a wild goose chase for good feelings/intensity and self acknowledgement at whatever price I would have to pay for it, I'd pay it, do I have to die ? 
I'll die, just give me my reward for raising from the Grave once more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be horrified by myself today when I sat in front of the mirror and I did not meet any of my standards or of anyone's standards according to my beliefs about 'world's standards' regarding beauty and being fit, if not for the Weight Watchers that would have loved to have me join

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move from disgust to anger for once, yet again having taken the highway to Hell and have not stopped until I felt the heat of my own self disgust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed by the way I look because I judge myself as ugly and unpleasant to the eye, meaning that I cannot get any ''good feelings' about myself about my appearance and my ability to pull men and make women jealous but fearing that I inspire pity in others as I pity myself for how far I have gone in my careless living and taking care of myself and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear weighting myself because I knew weighting myself would put an end to my feeding frenzy and force me to go back to taking care of myself simply because of health reason and having crossed all possible lines within which I could define myself as plump instead than fat bordering on obese

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the word 'fat' and for that fearing stepping onto the scale and face the consequences of what I have done to myself in suppression of all the emotions and feelings that raged inside of me regarding my very unwelcome (by myself) return to Italy and a Life of normality where I am no longer a special Expat but just an Italian in Italy facing all the shit storm my country is going through in economic and job market terms

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace this demented rock bottoming and resurrection pattern, as a way to cheer myself for a job well done for rebuilding myself into a shape and a form that I defined acceptable and valuable, instead of realizing it's just another self destructive family pattern of which I have filed the resurrection part and not the rock bottoming for what it is, a self destructive pattern of spinning out of control in carelessness and self hatred culminating in self disgust until I stop

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and my self worth as a shape, a form and an Image in separation from myself as Life here in and as Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a professional rock bottomer, not allowing myself to change because Professionals are good in repeating patterns, instead of leaving this self destructive pattern behind, stopping myself from repeating the Past as my Present and Future, embracing Change as myself while I learn to live Here in and as stability in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace this rock bottoming pattern as a chase of a feeling of reward and of a 'job well  done', the clapping and cheering for my own achievement when I finally pull myself out of the hole and reshape myself into what I have defined as system acceptable yet again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'unlookable' today, meaning I did not want to look at myself because I am swollen and I look worse than Tuesday instead of seeing I may have just eaten something yesterday that disagreed with my body even though it is 'allowed' by the eating program I have embraced and I should stop the self judgement and just investigate why I look puffy so as to not repeat the choice that disagrees with my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be merciless against myself in what I call self honesty but that I should properly call self abuse, because now that I have in fact stepped on the fucking scale and accepted it's time to change yet again, and start to tend and care for myself as the physical, I still judge myself and tell myself things like 'you are ugly and disgusting' which cause me to feel anxiety and a desire to suppress (which today made me think wouldn't it be nice to buy a bottle of wine, I'll just have a glass...but I didn't as I saw clearly that I moved into the desire to suppress so I would not have to face my own self judgements and self disgust for accepting and allowing myself to play out this familiar pattern yet again)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel devalued by the way I look, even though I told myself that I no longer cared and I wanted to show I too  could be ugly like the bald women of Desteni by being fat and ugly without giving up my hair

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge bald women as ugly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself through not caring about myself and rock bottoming as a way of Life, instead of seeing I could have stopped this pattern 3 months ago had I been willing to face what was behind it all when I saw myself rock bottoming again, because I spoke about it in a private chat, instead I let loose, riding my way to ugliness whatever it means for me for Life and all existence, having miss-taken and defined that this was what women at Desteni were doing by being bald and using this as an excuse to in fact not care about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food as a way to suppress, having exchanged pot for food because I have not yet diligently addressed what was it that I was suppressing with Pot, and so when I gave up Pot, the desire to suppress was still there and I just took another road into suppression that I hoped was NOT so obvious as in resulting into putting on 20 Kg so that I would have to come to a point when the mirror would no longer fit me in and I would have to say 'Houston we have a problem', when I could have just worked through one point at the time and avoid myself now this walk back into sanity and well being of me as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to consider this a problem, with all the serious problems of the  world and I just spend time pitying myself for some fat, instead of realizing I AM the problems of the world, and my self abuse and lack of care is what is happening to the world as me and that Changing the World would have to start with me changing me and how I approach me as Life, until I correct my own relationship with myself and the world as Me and the self abuse of me and the uncaring of me for Self as the World One and Equal ENDS WITH ME

I commit myself to stop ALL Self  Judgements regarding how I look, and to just attend to my body to whom I ask humbly to forgive me for all the abuses I have subjected it to, via excesses of drugs, alcohol and food, in my attempt to suppress myself and my reactions and movements of energy for which I did not want to take responsibility but just push them down as if there was a down deep enough to keep them there, which there is NOT, and so I commit myself to instead attend to myself, support myself to this last resurrection from the living dead, into a being that cares for Self providing proper nutrition and care to my physical body as me and stopping the abuses of myself against my physical body in my foolish attempts to silence it from communicating the discomfort I myself  as The Mind have created.

I commit myself to STOP my existence as a professional Rock Bottomer and the delusion that when one reaches Rock Bottom one can push oneself up with greater ease, as I see this belief is demented having shown myself again and again that from rock bottom the way up is just longer and harder and totally unnecessary, so I commit myself to climb up from this shit hole I dug for myself One last Time and commit myself to Life as a Self responsible Human being Once and For All,  for myself as Life and what is best for me and What is Best for All as All of existence Equal and One.

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