Day 67: Spitefulness as Me

I have had a fall out with a friend, in my mind at least, yesterday she posted something on her wall that said

Respect yourself enough to walk away

from anything that no longer serves You,

Grows You or Makes You Happy

I am not going to take on this sentence for it obvious energy based content that shows that we just use people and we do it blatantly and this is a sentence I would have wholeheartedly supported as well until some time ago, before meeting Desteni.

Instead I want to see what went on inside of me when I read this, which I obviously took personally.

First, the point that it was about ME, as this would be one of the ways I used to communicate with people, in devious transversal manners and so I project on others my same devious behavior, and since it did not carry my name tag, anything else that followed I have just made up to justify my projection, believing that since I fit this description perfectly as I am stopping myself from engaging in energy games and the belief that it is my duty to grow or Make Other's Happy, I watched as I moved into a devolving, nasty mind loop, in which I sat quietly seething at my computer looking for ways to get back, because this was one of my greatest hobby, to get to have the last word and show others that I am Right and they are Wrong, especially if I 'perceived myself as attacked'.

So first I had to wrestle with the desire to deconstruct this sentence into what it is and publish it on Facebook and get my 'revenge', I breathed through it, but in truth I did not let it go, because spitefulness is me and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, so I saw myself then looking through the Journey to Life Blogs for sentences that would give context to my retaliation, some tempting ones came from Paul's Blog and the Lightworkers, pity that on the second line Paul stated that we are One and Equal to the Love and Light-workers, so that one did not fit, then I saw another one on Maite's Blog about Meditation, that would hit the mark too, that one I published it, I told myself that I had resisted the temptation to retaliate when in fact I DID NOT, I just went about it in a more sly hidden manner, so I could have my cake and eat it too, meaning I would not have to feel guilty and shameful, pity it did not work out, I got to feel guilty and shameful because I saw what I was doing and did it anyway for that moment of 'Fuck You' and the resulting high that is really hard to let go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate myself with the definition of " anything that no longer serves You, Grows You or Makes You Happy' and to feel off-ended because I used to believe that I wanted to be such a person in other's people lives, no matter if it was all a lie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt that someone would want to ditch me, even though the feeling arose from thoughts that I accepted and allowed myself to interact with and that had no basis in the physical reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ditched and judged as dispensable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the acceptance of others defines me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the acceptance of others instead of realizing I just wanted my own unconditional acceptance from which I have separated myself into the mind of thoughts feelings and emotions while not being Here in and as Breath as Self acceptance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to retaliate in spitefulness every time I perceive myself as ditched/not accepted and for being willing to go to any length to make my point so the other will get to feel wrong about desiring to ditch me or not accept me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful about my suppressed or expressed spitefulness because I can see the harm that it does to me and others and yet I have not stopped myself from existing in and as spitefulness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up convoluted stories about my words and deeds in retaliation because I fear the judgement of others/myself about my ugly spitefulness and I cover it up with a million excuses and justifications about what I had the right to do what I did, which in self honesty I can see it was just spitefulness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow myself to think and say things like 'you will see or I will make you pay for it' when I was a kid, having accepted and allowed that retaliation is just the appropriate giving back what I received, failing to see that within this I have so far supported and upheld the system of debts that is strangling all of us into oblivion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that my perceived debts and what others 'owe' to me according to my own personal system of debts and credits be repaid and in this not being any different from the current Money System where everything one owes has to be repaid and no for-giveness is possible until I begin with my own absolute unconditional self for-giveness of my own and others perceived, make belief debts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that the Money System of Debt change into a Money System of Forgiveness when I have not yet taken care of my own absolute self forgiveness to clear all perceived/make belief debts of myself and others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry a the Money System of Debts, instead of seeing I have always and only been angry with myself for my own upheld System of Debts that I have not been willing to let go, because it is through this system of debts that I guarantee the existence of my Survival Ledger on which I hold other accountable for their Debts/Energy that they owe me and for the successful future existence of myself as a MCS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself with my own spitefulness to the point that I am willing to give up getting what I don't want to give which is absolute unconditional for-giveness for everybody and myself

When and as I see myself moving or desiring to move into retaliation/spitefulness for something I believe has happened that opened up a Credit for me, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer support the ledger of Debits and Credits of this world and of myself Equal and One and STOP myself from any retaliatory or spiteful thoughts and behavior that is NOT what is best for me or What is Best for All as Life One and Equal.

I commit myself to red flag any point of spitefulness within and as me to deconstruct it into all its parts, until no spitefulness or desire for retaliation/spitefulness exists in and as me, so the world One and Equal to Me can stop its spitefulness and retaliation based on imaginary Credits and Debts to realign to What is Best for All for myself and existence as Life, One and Equal.