Monday, June 25, 2012

Day 71: Desire for The Good Life and Shame as Me

When I go to sleep now I have my personal RSS feed of all the things I have not dealt with in my Life, so I can deal with them when I am awake.
Last night dream, I was in Shanghai with some friends even though like in all dreams it was not really Shanghai and I should say they were not really my friends, meaning what I believed friends were.
We were hungry and at one point I said I knew where to go to get us some food and told my friends to wait there. I jumped on a bus and went to a bar, had 3 sandwiches made, I ate my sandwich immediately because I was hungry, then in a strange twist of fate I jumped on a plane and came back home, it took me 4 hours (this is how I know it was not Shanghai), I had a shower, washed my hair, at some point in the dream I met an acupuncturist that told me he could solve my lack of taste and smell problem and he stuck one of the permanent needles on my' third eye', so in the dream I was aware of being conscious of checking my taste and smell for signs of improvement.
At one point I realized I would have to call my friends, I had prepared a story to tell about how I had been delayed and would be back soon, would call with the mobile so they would not know I was back in Italy. The mobile had no credit, that was not good, if I would call them with my land line they would know I was back in Italy and would wonder WTF, so next best plan was to return to the airport and just fly back, I would make up something to say on my way back, but I became preoccupied that there might not be flights back and I moved into anxiety and then I woke up.
So in this dream there are a few points of how I defined myself,
Me as the problem Solver, just give me a problem and I will tackle it, nothing is too big or too small for my cunning mind
Me as the asshole with friends, yeap, this is another definition of myself, as I lived in fear that nothing  could do was ever perfect enough or above reproach to the reproachable and at one point in my life I let loose, I just found out that it did not matter what you did as you would never ever meet everyone's expectations in full so do as you wish and then have a good story for it, or make it up
Me as the seeker for a solution outside of myself for what plagues me
Me as the anxious 'I've fucked up now what' ?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop and define myself as a problem solver because I saw solving problems as a point of value for myself  in a world that was full of them, where always having a solution no matter to the detriment of whom, would make me worthy and precious and give myself more chances to survive within the System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive life as a long list of problems for which developing the skill of 'problem solving' was essential, especially after finding myself in a problem situation and seeing that I was not able to tackle it effectively when one of my past bosses had a heart attack at the office and he fell on the floor while we were walking next to each other and instead of staying cool I broke into tears because I saw my job and my future melt down in a trembling scared man, and I swore to myself I would mold myself into a problem solver that could tackle any situation to never ever have to feel as helpless as I did on that occasion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself for not knowing what to do the first time I faced a problem which was in fact a very simple thing as I should have called an ambulance and I had the number written on a piece of paper stuck on the wall in my office, yet I could not perform such a simple task effectively because I panicked and ended up calling 2 ambulances while I stood in both shame for my reaction and terror for my future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a problem solver meaning someone that can be trusted while all the while I did not trust myself that if a situation that scared me would come up I would be as effective and cool as I wished to project myself but I could break down again, shaming myself and the ones who had put their trust in me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself that if something comes up I can face it even if I have not thoroughly prepared for it in and as me as The Mind and within this I forgive myself for not ever trusting myself in my life but relaying on others outside of me in which I placed my trust to solve my own personal problems like my financial and health problems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to meet the perfect doctor that can fix my lack of smell and taste, because I doubt that I can in fact solve this problem by myself by applying Self forgiveness and self corrective application to get back into myself as the Physical and stopping my Life as a preprogrammed MCS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in that I can in fact do this task of bringing myself back into and as the physical because I rely on my history of never getting anything done as in finishing a task, because I have defined this walk back to Life as a task which is why I need a Time Frame and a plan 'to get it done", instead of accepting that it is not a TASK but a walk that will last until it is done and so I stop looking for timeframes within my head to pacify myself that I can do this as if it were a Marathon and I have to calculate my stamina and how to invest it, and I ACCEPT that I CAN DO THIS for as long as it takes even it is NOT TIME FRAMED AND TASK-YFIED

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear shame and being shamed, instead of seeing and realizing I am the only one that can put me through shame and that I usually move into shame when I fail to stand up to my own expectations and standards I have set for myself as an efficient problem solver

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an asshole with my friends since I gave up trying to please everyone and I went back to just pleasing me, believing that there was never enough good stuff that I could do to have their respect and consideration and so I might just as well pretend to please them while making sure I pleased myself at least, within each and every endeavour I overtook, instead of seeing there was never anything good enough I could do for MY own respect and consideration  due to the self judgement of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as Me in separation from Myself as Life Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my behaviour with friend as 'asshol-ish', not because of what they perceived I did, which I found plenty of ways to justify and make sense of, but because of what I saw that I did, which was always scheming and plotting so I would have my cake and eat it too, and no one would be the wiser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my friendships because they did not feel real no matter what I tried and invested in them, as there was always a feeling that I could not trust anyone as I failed to see that the one I really did not trust all the time was just myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put value in friendships in which I desired to be 'the best friend' as in having been given a star for a job well done, having fulfilled the friend requirements, failing to see that I sought exclusivity as value even from people I was aware I did not give a shit about, yet it was just another star for my star collection for my accomplishments in life, one of which was 'to be a good friend/possibly the best'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that desiring to be the best is just engaging the Inferiority/Superiority Construct, in which I felt inferior and so I desired to be superior, more, the best, and that every time the word "the best" is used, there must be a worst and I am back into the winner loser game just with a twist, desiring for myself the best and leaving behind the worse as thoughts and emotions and reality to be lived out by someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see extra value in 'the best' of everything, for which I sought the best in my life for myself, be it food or experiences, uncaring about those that would have to live the worse because that is what I left behind, desiring the best to prove to myself that I was the best when in fact I believed I was the worst and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the Worst

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my grandfather and grandmother teachings about the 'value of the best' while I could see even in my family that while my grandparents lived their 'the best ' life, my mum was left with the worse but I did not care as I followed my desires for the best even if these desires left my mum out as a call close to home of the damages of Inequality that I decided to NOT look at because there was no need to be upset by such things as this is the way life is, some get it sweeter and some get it harder and by God I was going to have it sweeter for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to collect leaflets of 5 star hotels, imprinting myself with the desire for a luxurious life, building up in my Mind Hopes and Dreams and expectation of how MY life was going to be, not like my mum's, a miserable slave life in government projects that I despised, my Life was going to be grand and if she was happy Being a Slave, too bad, her choice, without realizing that as I justified my desire for the best and superior life for myself and the existence of the slave life for my mother and herself, I in fact supported and justified the existence of all inequalities and iniquities in the world, as long as they would not touch me and my 5 star life, which I believed I chose for myself, not seeing I just walked on the tracks of my preprogrammed life and did not rebel to it because I saw ways to make it work for me and I did not care if others had to suffer along the way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have just a fleeting moment of joy when I was in Bangkok a few years ago and I discovered I was staying in one of the 100 best hotels in the world and I saw myself as having made my dream come true, having picked myself up from the shit hole existence my mum would have offered to me and tried to make me accept as a slave within the system, without realizing that it was just a moment and then I felt robbed by this dream that came true as not having any more anything to drive me to better and to best for myself and I saw that this was still not enough, that I still did not feel alive or accomplished and failed to see I was just a slave like my mother in a better looking cage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to despise my mother for not wanting more for herself, for accepting quietly her life of misery where she was the one left out from the energy games that were going on in my family because she did not comply to the requirements of looking good and fashionable and stop wearing the horrible comfortable shoes she wore and instead make an effort like I did, so I could get into my grandparent's graces and be taken on holiday to the Grand Hotel when my mum was refused a loan from her mother but did not even tell me to not upset my relationship with the rich side of the family, failing to see that who I really despised was myself and within this I forgive myself for despising myself for the stand I took and did not take regarding my mother and our family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an asshole not starting with my friends, but going all the way back, to how I handled myself in the relationship between my family, for feeling guilty and shameful for not having a second thought about walking over my mum to get into the rich side of the family to make sure my survival was certain within the system, making up stories of perceived abuses and trespassing from my mum who worked 14 hours a day and sometime did lose her patience but was present as much as she could and yet her sacrifices and devotion angered me because I felt I owed her something and so it was easier to find faults and triggers within her personality that I could use to unleash her anger and justify why I had become this asshole that would leave her behind so I could have the good life while she tiptoed on the edge of this family never been made welcome because my grandmother, like me, had shame issues with her for having abandoned her as a kid as I perceived myself also abandoning her for my own self interest and desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that this family shame was passed on to me as my grandmother lived as the suppressed shame of a woman who had to give up her daughter for her relationship with a man 5 year younger than her that started while my grandfather was at war, and that was our family big secret that was never spoken but in fact other stories were made up to cover up the secrets of shame that plagued my family and then myself  when I walked the same path of shame as who I was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and define myself as the shame I felt for the life I have lived and for blaming this shame on my mum, seeing she was the cause of my shame because if she had never existed I would not have to feel ashamed for siding with my grandparents against her and so to put an end to this shame that I believed to be me as who I really am I desired my mum died or was never existed and that I was my grandma's daughter instead of her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that my mum died or never existed and for later desiring that my grandparents died too so I could inherit and live like Pippi Long Stockings, free and with money and a white horse and no more shame because all the ones that caused me shame were finally dead, instead of seeing and realizing I was always the origin and source of my own shame and the judgement of myself as an asshole, and within this I FORGIVE myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to Shame as if Shame was who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that Pippi Longstocking/Happy Days/ The Brady Bunch, and all the other Bullshit movies and series, promoting Ideal Lives either with family or even better without, were just designed as another point of desire within a system of Consumers, giving kids and teenagers a fake impression of what was possible within a family that we in fact did not have as in the exhilarating lightness of being, while all along portraying families who HAD MONEY and therefore were beyond most of the problems ordinary families face everyday and that such shows lay the basis of a society of unfulfilled desires that started with what we did not have as a 'normal happy family' as portrayed by the TV and the Movies, because the normal ordinary families are in fact struggling with MONEY PROBLEMS EVERYDAY, and do not have time to be happy and lighthearted and take care of their children in a non damaging way, instead we allow ourselves to dream for better lives and HOPE to fulfill those desires with things that we see advertised that show EXPERIENCES that we could possibly buy for ourselves if we work hard enough and accept the destiny of our lives without caring about what everybody in this world is in fact facing in the physical reality of things

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the reality I wished for was just somewhere else to be found and not obviously in Italy where we did not have Happy days or White Horses and that this led me onto a Quest, looking for that elusive experience which is what we call 'a good life' while I dragged myself along, unsatisfied with everything I lived because it NEVER matched the Dreams I had piled up about beautiful happy lives within Happy families and Great friends, not seeing or realizing that those reality are just a make belief world as experiences and NOT Life, while I lived disregarding Life Here in every moment of Breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life Here in every moment of Breath, because I found out that Here there is no energy moving me, driving me to the next dream and desired experience, and that Life Here in Breath is nothing like an experience of Spirituality with high feelings and Hopes for the next best thing to come, instead Life Here is what I make of it in every moment of Breath and has no experiential context or energy to move me but it requires that I move myself from one task to another by an act of Self Will through Self Directive principle to stand Here in as Breath as Life in Oneness and Equality for What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear leaving behind my life that I have defined as a series of experiences, looking for the best one all the time, failing to see that when I define Life as an experience I am living a Self Delusion of Energy which is Not Life and to which I have abdicated Life Here in and as Breath because I chose the exciting ride over the simplicity of Life as Breath, and within this I forgive myself for choosing excitement and self fulfillment over Life in Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others in fear for  my own survival, having identified Money as the Source of Happiness and All that IS Good and yet for not having ever considered that if Life was Good and safe only with Money, Money should be Equally Given as Life to All, to stop what we have become as in stopping our Fear of Survival we would have the time to reassess ourselves and make amends to ourselves and others for not having lived as Life One and Equal but as Monsters seeking the next source of Money as Energy as Life as what we have accepted and allowed Money to become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious because 'I have fucked up now what?' and for not realizing this is not relative to a specific event, but to my life in general as I have judged my life experience as a series of unstoppable fuck ups in which I outdid myself with time in growing into the Asshole of the century, and that I will never in fact be able to fix The Past, instead of realizing I feel anxious because of my own judgements that there was nothing I could ever do to fix myself, but now that I have discovered the Desteni Tools I see that I can delete what I have done and who I believe and perceived I have been and how I have defined myself, so that I can rewrite myself into a Self Honest being that supports Life and no longer seek the ever elusive value of Energy/Experiences/Money above Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Experiences that would lead to my filing of Happy Memories were more important that Life as Me, Here in every moment of Breath, failing to see that no matter how good some of my experiences I have filed both, the negative and the positive, because my Life has been a Life of Polarity and Duality and the Good can never come without the Bad, and that to Stop the Bad of this world the Good must go as well, so that Life as Breath, Here, beyond polarities can be born from the Physical in Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

I commit myself to stop my existence as Desire for Experiences, as I see realize and understand that experiences are not Life and they leave behind memories that are Not Life, on which we base the rest of experiences to come in a never ending loop of dissatisfaction from one energy high to an energy drop, instead of giving up experiences as Energy delusions and embracing Life Here in and as every moment of Breath

I commit myself to embrace Life Here in every moment of Breath, one Breath at the Time

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