Day 242: Have you Kowtowed to Your Family Today?

Since one is required by Confucian philosophy to show great reverence to one's parents and grandparents, children may also be required to kowtow to their elderly ancestors, particularly on special occasions. For example, at a wedding, the marrying couple was traditionally required to kowtow to both sets of parents, as acknowledgement of the debt owed for their nurturing. KowTow (Wikipedia)

One week ago, last time I saw my mum we had a chat.

This time when she said "I'm so glad we had this Honest chat and cleared things up and isn't it wonderful to be able to talk?", I felt a point of irritation.

The point was relative to the fact that Self Honesty should be Normal and I am now becoming aware of all the times she points it as flags of how abnormal our relationships have always been.

Today I listened to the Anu's talk 'Love and Hate' which was specifically about Family and Friends relationships and how much Hatred exists in every household, I did not react to that at all, I was always aware of this point within my family, some of the things that went on when I was a child and later on could be called Love only by demented psychopaths and yet we keep the games up, we tell each other 'is your family after all' AS IF that should count for something, which in fact it does, it counts for all of us as a collective keeping up the lies, pretending that everything we do within the Family is laced with good intentions even when it's clearly not so.

Two weeks ago during Christmas lunch and then during this 'most honest chat' three things came up, the first was when my mum praised me for having become thrifty, as if I had a choice in the matter, to which I responded that I am thrifty ONLY because I am not turning Money and she replied 'oooh what a silly joke you just made, you are walking a very dangerous line', we both understood immediately what she meant, which was 'I won't give you the half of the house money if we sell it IF I am afraid you may spend it on something I basically do not approve of'. I felt myself flush and then worked to not reply, obviously through my old friend, suppression and a bit of breathing too.

Two days later on the phone she made a joke about this ex boyfriend that came back to my 'Mind' who lives in Ireland and she had already given me a speech about 'equality' -yes because parents//family are so fucking clever, they'll find the new language you are aligning to and then proceed to use it against you- specifying that the next partner I should choose would have to contribute 'equally' to the household, for those who lack the experience to translate mother's language this means 'he has to pay his fair share, whatever you do' this rose from a point of fear because when she asked 'what does he do' and I said he told me he writes and writes song, she moved into calculating the monetary equivalent of his lifestyle and was not satisfied with it, as artist equals penniless and as we know, parents are the first upholders of the Money System or honestly, how would we learn all this Money Crap without their help?

Of course she was not satisfied that I got the message, so during one of our phone calls she went back on the topic and said '..because I am not selling MY house to support a musician of any sort', here something interesting happened, because I did react but I was not sure to what, at the moment I thought I reacted to her fucking endless interference and applied self forgiveness for it until I felt cleared.

But, when we had our 'honest chat' and she raised the point of the joke I made about not having REALLY turned into a thrifty scrooge, I said 'honesty for honesty' that I didn't enjoy the joke she made either as that made me feel that I am always dependent on getting this fair share of the house only if she approves of what I do, which is unacceptable, she denied making that joke, she said she THOUGHT about it but was very careful to not voice it out, I told her since I am no Mind reader and I heard it you must have voiced it out and then deleted the fact that you did, like so many of our exchanges which contributed to me thinking I was just crazy and attempting to develop less "crazy-no crazy" personalities to make up for my flaws both in memory -obviously, since no one was ever accountable for what they said, while blaming each other for making it up, not hearing right, or not having a sense of humor -my very favorite- and within the interactions with Family.

Then she said 'well if we talk about nasty jokes I made another one you may not have picked up on' and I said 'which one?' And she said the one about 'selling MY house...' then it dawned on me, I knew I reacted but I had not seen the loaded meaning, the Intent to harm, when she said that I felt a moment of deflating inside, like the castle of cards of family goodness and protection rolling and tumbling once more, because let's face it and I can gladly say I have done this for years, Families are plain Nasty, they just have different degrees of Nastiness and different weapons.

My mum's and the rest of my family was always MONEY, but hei, wait a minute, isn't it the same for us all, aren't we all keeping each other Prisoners of this fucking Money System and it must start within the Family, where else?

During our honest chat she proceeded as well to remind me that, when I bought my first tiny apartment in Milan, she anticipated to me the equivalent of 8000 euros of today, this was 25 years ago, she said it was all the Money she had and that I never thanked her for giving me that Money because I believed that I gave it back when in fact I gave back only the money of the absurd mortgage she had me subscribe that charged me the equivalent of 280 euros when I was earning 320, she made that choice on my behalf so I would have paid less interests (?) which drove me to not being able to repay it AT ALL and have to go and work as a live in nanny in a rich Jewish family to make sure my living costs would be covered, that someone would feed me and pay for electricity, gas and water and when she was satisfied that I "suffered" enough, she gave me the money to extinguish the mortgage so I could return to a 'normal ' life of office slavery and go back to my home in the evenings. I paid back every penny of that, we seem to agree on that point.

Apparently I forgot to tell her Thank You, for the advance money that she never asked back, what a fucking Shame! So I said Thank You for the nth time, it just seems that this Thank You doesn't stick, no matter how many times she brought up this point and I said I was sorry for not remembering THAT point and Thank You, because come on, there was Money involved and when Money is involved you are asked to subscribe to Slavery forever, starting with families, and they plan and plot on how to never let you go, they willingly hold on to credits to make sure they can one day remind you 'everything they did for you' which has a value in the Debt/Credit system, and the awesome beauty of it, is you have to live in FEAR because only they know when they plan to call back the Credits and use them against you, to push you back into your Debtor position, to turn you into a living IOU to keep you toeing the line, unless you see that they are just looking for your kowtow and your acceptance of your subordinate position within the Family System and then the Outer Bigger System within the Money Game.

It would be better if we realized the Family point, if we found the balls to challenge our relationships within the Family to see them for what they really are, they are a breeding ground for Slaves, not a Safe Haven, not the Solace from an unjust World,  Families is where the Architects of Control have been delegated by the System to pass on our limited views of reality, to make sure nothing changes. 

My Mum kowtowed to my grandparents for Money and those Imaginary well documented Filial debts, shouldn't she ask I do the same, when is Her turn if not Now?

It is up to us to break those chains forever more, if it's too late for our parents we can still make it and break those links to not allow the dis-ease that Humanity has become to be passed on, we break the enslaving chains of dis-eases deleting all ledgers of Credits and Debts within Our Inner to change the Outer to Let Life Break Free, once and for All.

Self forgiveness to follow tomorrow with Self Corrective Statements.

Day 46: Fami-Lies and the Debt System

For 2 days I have been disturbed by the Creation's Journey to Life Blogs, the first one is titled

Parenting Patterning Fear and Control

from which this sentence is the one with the highest 'off-ending' value to me' as in off-sending me into some Mind trips and Blame Constructs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every emotion, action, word, pattern produces in the child a chemical response that is associated with a feeling-experience - and that the parent will seek the patterns that the child responds to in a way where the parent feel is in control, and then the parent will call this the personality development of the child, while it is in fact the creation of a chemical dependency in the child’s body that produces a feeling, which as a feeling will play the major decisive role in regards to what the child will become as the New Adult will make decisions and create the world based on the feelings they are addicted to, and even create more chemical responses of greater feelings by training the body to produce chemicals that eventually will lead some adults to become gurus, masters, lightworkers, successful people all based on feelings created by an addicted body - though the mind will get all the honor, while the mind is not the real Creator of the feelings.

The second One is called  

In the name of Love 

This one fared better in the Off(s)ending that I felt, and I took out 3 sentences that did the trick for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to see that the parent would force the child to learn patterns of behaviour and speech as early as possible, patterned on the patterns that have been proven by history to not be in the best interest of Humanity or Earth - and yet no effort is made at any level to stop this abuse, and in fact the right of the parent to visit the sins of the fathers on the children is seen as a right that may not be challenged, as God apparently gave the parent the right to ownership over the child to do whatever the parent sees fit for the child – regardless of the fact that the result of patterns taught can be measured and thus much of the outcomes of a human Life can be patterned to greatness and equality, yet the pattern used is fear that is programmed into the body to a level of physical addiction that repeats itself as personality that gives the parent great joy to see themselves MIRRORED in their children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any form of religious indoctrination that the parent impose on the child is conveniently protected under freedom of speech, allowing the freedom to abuse not only the New Children but also the planet – regardless of the fact that the consequences are known, just because it fits unscrupulous business, political and religious leaders and allows them free reign to feed off the terror and fear programmed into the human generation after generation, so that no possibility exists to bring a world that is best for all Life that will expose abusive leadership and stop the intentional spreading of rumours and lies purely to protect power and profit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the damage done to a child to become an insufficient, irrational adult is not done to the mind, but through the MIND into the physical as a permanent, chemically induced, infused bodily response pattern hidden behind thought and words visible as behaviour, beliefs, fears, mannerisms, thoughts, secret thought, desires, all exactly in similar patterns to what exists in the parent – that is why the metaphor says: like father like son. The Desteni Portal allowed for the total reinvestigation of all things to see direct with cross-reference how reality actually functions and those with some regard for Life left in them should pay very close attention.

The reason why I had reactions that I tried to suppress are various, one is that I dislike to 'attack' my family as the source of my fuck ups, yet I see in this script the possibility served on a golden platter, to just walk away from my response-Ability to embrace Blame, second is that in truth I always wanted to Blame my family and tried hard for most of my life but then I pretended to give up and went  for therapies because at some level I understood that it was a passing on of patterns, like if we were imprinting each other with each other traumas and bullshit that did not end with the FamiLies, it goes on into infinity, until We Stop.

Then there was the point of 'I don't want to discuss this in an open Blog', that my mum can read (mum, remember what I explained to you, it's nothing personal, it's just systems releasing systems :)), in which I will expose what I felt for my family and what probably many of us felt for our families and could not explain and then suppressed and then felt ashamed about and then guilty and by the teen age all this compounding comes out in disgust and rage, but I was never angry at my family, I was always angry at myself, how could I accept and allow myself to turn into a Circus Clown, to imprint myself with my family history, traditions, beliefs, ideas and when i did not, with the polarity of all of the above.

Yesterday as well I saw how the Debt and Credit system starts, the Ledger starts in the FamiLie, where everyone pretends to be someone else, where everyone lies and doesn't own up to their real emotions and feelings and where we are asked to do and say things 'to make others feel good' and so we start to perpetrate the madness of The Mind as ourselves into endless loops of Blame for which we write on the Credit columns, and Shame and Guilt for which we write on the Debts column, then we grow up and take the fucking Ledger into the world, we live squaring books, accounts, building Credits in a world of Debts, while Fear eats us up, that the Debts may one day swallow us and remove us from existence once and for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated my family because I couldn't work out how to stop this imprinting that I could see myself participate in and as, becoming the undesired clone of patterns of abuse and excesses that I ended up beLieving to be Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of Love/Hate within the family system and for feeling and judging myself as good when I beLieved I Loved them and bad when I beLieved I hated them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful when I believed I hated my family instead of seeing I was just participating in an Energetic Polarity Construct of negative/Positive for the purpose of generating energy for myself as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by and throgh the emotions and feelings I lived One and equal to me and for believing these Emotions and Feelings to be me as Who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pass on to other Children, the wisdom of Imprinting them with patterns of Energetic rewarding/punishment as a way to make them be/have and tame them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that manipulating others into patterns of emotions/feelings as punishment/reward systems, building credits/debts along the way was acceptable just because someone did it to me and so I had to pass it on instead of seeing I always had a choice to do what was best for me as an Energy system or to do What is best for All as Life and I picked the choice to do what was best for me as a collector of Energy/Credit units for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear posting about my family in case my mum reads this thread and she feels off-ended about it, meaning that I would be the cause of a loss of Energy/Credit Unit and I would then be resented

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent those that took Energy/Credit Units from me, believing that it was their doing, instead of seeing my own acceptance and allowance in the participation of me in and as the Credits/Debt System of Energy as a way for me to exist as the Ego of and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear interacting with others, because in every interaction due to my comparison/competition I would subject myself to the potential of losing Energy/Credit Units to someone that i would define More than me, instead of seeing that I could stop All Games by renouncing the Ledger of the Debt/Credit system that I have lived in and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that the sins of the father could be passed on from generation to generation, in fear that I was doomed to become/be like my family, failing to see that by accepting and allowing myself to be born into and as separation within a system of abuse I had already given my permission for the cloning of me as a unit of Self Interest that generates power through friction and that I have lived a life of friction for the purpose of creating more and more Energy for myself so I could beLieve I was more than others who had a lower Energy/excitement/friction existence as I defined myself according to my Ledger of accumulated Energy/Credit Units toward the World in separation from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to Blame my family for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and within this I abdicated my response-ability, projecting my guilt and shame on them for my participation in and as a system of self interest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the Blame for my family when I understood that Blame was not a desirable emotion, while I kept blaming them inside of me, in the depth of me, because I rathered be the victim that the one that would have to stand and stop what I had accepted and created myself into

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate memories and to store my life in convenient patterns of abuse, so I could remain 'the victim' and justify why I was not  standing up in and as the Solution of myself as Life, One and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I was fucked beyond repair and for fearing turning out like my mother, who was not mentally stable because she fought herself as The Mind all Her Life without having the tools that are now offered to me by Desteni, to get out of my own Self Created Hell, in which I dwelled for most of my Life and in which I dragged others with me while I tried to make sense of why I felt so sickened by Life and myself and I did not want to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to die because I didn't want to live and face the manifested consequences of my existence in and as The Mind, and everything that I have accepted and allowed to imprint into me, that became me as The Mind in The Physical, from which I now have to delete the energetic polarities I have embedded into my body that create and drive me automatically into friction for the purpose of manufacturing energy for my existence in and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask myself the question 'if I deserved to live', having seen and judged myself as the source of my and others' suffering, a destruction machine that I could not stop, did not know how to stop, instead of seeing that if I Breathe I am Alive and every Breath is a chance to start new, and I could see the Mercy of Life standing in and as the example of Self Forgiveness, so I keep walking myself into the Self Correction of Me, until I stand One and Equal to the Physical in and as Self Forgiveness, to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All, for myself as Life, and all of existence, One and Equal

I commit myself to stop my patterns of 'Victimhood' that I kept alive in the desire to blame who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become onto my Family, instead I stand in and as self responsibility, accepting that I am the result, the outflow and the manifested consequence of my own separation from Oneness and Equality and that I am walking myself in and as Self Correction to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my existence in and as a Debt/Credit collector/ generator, supporting my existence as a Unit of Energy in and as The Mind, stopping my desire and search for friction to feel 'alive' realizing that a-live means without live, without Life, and that Life is not defined or limited by thoughts, emotions and feelings, but exists Here stable in every moment of Breath 

I commit myself to walk myself patiently out of the Mind and out of my existence of and as an Energy Unit Debt Creator and Credit accumulator, to stop all the Ledgers of the World, to stop the Debt System that is now manifested in and as The Money/Debt System within me as The World, so we may manifest a World that is Debt Free, as me, as Life and existence Equal and One