Day 262: Anna Karenina's Loves and how to Stop.

How did I change through this process?

This topic is one in which I see both my change and my resistance.

The change took the form of being able to see what is really here, the resistances takes the form of wanting to brush what is really here under the carpet so I can hold on, one last time, to the potential for love.

The point that I wrote myself out so much in the past months has made this idea of love so watered down that it slips through my fingers even when I attempt to hold on to it against my best interest and so it has become a double battle, one with myself to let go and one with myself as I judge myself for how poorly I have managed to hold on to it, how I fucked up my chance to have the romance, even just by sms or in my Mind, but no, I had to sleepwalk at times and write too much, exposing too much how I have changed, not nurturing the lie that I could with a bit of effort step back into 'who I was' so we could have the 'who we were' for a time, just once more.

Today I hence deleted the Facebook friendship and the skype contact, the two places I have identified as having done the most damage to 'my image' having exposed too much first about my change and then about what I would really like, such as a connection, something real, a man to chat to self honesty, a real friend.

I know this was not about sex, not because I don't want a lover, I just don't want it now because I See that unless I walk myself into my physical sexual expression first, I'll end up role playing again in bed and that will stand in the way of my process of getting to know myself beyond the imaginary sexual hang ups I gave into throughout my life, plus he was not the most adventurous lover so the attraction is not a sexual desire, which in fact is one of the point that is pushing me away from this 'potential relationship', it was more the milking of the 'good feelings' of love and desire to be together, be desired by someone as a partner, looking for the value of me into a relationship with someone else, something I have repeatedly looped into in my life and I am not going to time loop again.

As a nice reminder of this 'need' to be desired, today I watched a documentary called 'The bodies of women', a story of women on our national Italian TV, not the after midnight shows for adults, no, these are the lunch shows, the Sunday afternoon shows, the every moment show, where women are depicted as objects to be desired, but not pushed into those roles, nono, they walk into them eagerly, competing with each other for the sexiest shots, youngest takes, best breasts, pubic areas exposures and it made me very sad. Today for the first time I saw why I would shave my hair even if I won't because I need to look 'presentable' to make a living and no hair in Italy is just pushing the envelope too much, being too 'weird' and I am not yet established enough to set my own rules and have a safe income, but, even the fact that I considered what I would discover about myself by shaving my hair was a step ahead from not even considering it, seeing that as women we are the ones who have the responsibility to do our part to step out of this 'meat market' game, if we don't walk away from the belief that the most interesting thing we have is the hole between our legs we are fucked, literally, and not in the fun way either, in the demeaning bashing that is pushing us to line up to be 'the chosen ones' waging war on each other and secretly hating the men we make responsible for what we are in fact doing to ourselves.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to encourage the idea of romance of my ex by sending him messages and well written stories to show him that I have become literate in his language and that we could now, finally, have good communication, when in fact the only point that worked in our relationship when I was 17 and then 23 was the lack of communication

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope to receive messages by sms that would 'warm up my days and my heart' when in fact I was seeking just for an excuse to go on a rampage of 'positive energy' that had nothing to do with the other being but just with myself and my desire for an ego boost

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in reminiscing about our past as something of value, conveniently forgetting that once I said No to marriage and once he said No to marriage and that we were in fact both clear at different times that we were just consumed by an illusion in and as the Mind with no Physical real connection having ever taken place between us

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret the things I wrote as I saw that I did not play the game successfully to keep him hooked because that would have made me feel too guilty, but I pussyfooted with the keeping him hooked and then I judged myself because I should have either gone all the way and hook him back or just leave him alone instead of living the middle path which is just another way to not face my own guilt nor the responsibility for what I do and how I act

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live all my life on the middle track so I would never expose myself too much, manipulating for what I wanted instead of establishing a clear communication in which I could say what it was that I wanted and desired and not pretend I was above it all, detached and never wanting anything in fear that I could be told NO and would have to face the point of rejection

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I did say I was not interested because we are on two separate paths and I don't want to go back to faking just for the sake of some positive experience, that I would not be liked, desired and that I would lose my chance for added value that I could get by having a man in my life interested in me, even if this relationship was imaginary and had nothing based in the physical reality that I could really live and experience as myself as support in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary idea and ideals of perfect relationships in my Mind based on movies, fairy tales, pictures and images that I then tried to live out in the physical reality, only to be always disappointed because reality was never a match to my perfect imagination and fairy tale designed situation, words or sexual experiences and within this for trying and mold my partners to fit into my imaginary ideas of perfect relationships so I could feel 'happy and fulfilled' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized this was going nowhere, to stubbornly hold on to it as the Imaginary Perfect relationship in my Mind, because I fear having to start from scratch and so I rather pick up a man from the past, dust him out a bit, give him an imaginary make over and try again, hoping that he will know me by now, even though I myself know I am not the same woman and that this would mean to have to step back to who I was to give him/them a chance to pretend to still know me and for holding on even when I saw there was no way I was going back to please a man this time, even though I pretended I would, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw clearly that I was at a time loop intersection, at a point I have already lived a few times of giving up my life that is now beginning to work again for a delusion of the mind only to have to start over again and again when I would fall back on the planet, to not immediately come clean and let the other person know that there is no way in hell I am going to do this again and since he is not in a position to drop everything either given his commitments we should have just let it go but  did not because I did not want to let go of the hope for some' residual good feeling' that I may lose out on if I did and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he stopped calling, instead of seeing the wisdom that he matured equal to me that this can't be working and accept that he took the step I didn't want to take, even though I believed he should have told me -even in the face that I didn't...-to feel abandoned and rejected and that he was just screwing with me so he could write some more freaking songs about me instead of talking to me and for blaming him for doing what I didn't have the courage to do using the excuse that he should have done it my way -which in fact was no way-, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized he may never be calling back, to delete his face book page as friend and participate in the backchat 'he will wonder now why I deleted his contact and maybe ask his cousin and he will ask me and I will say 'because he is screwing with me' and have my little revenge to make him feel bad as I felt bad, and for accepting and allowing myself to justify why it is my right to spite someone because I made up imaginary feelings of being HURT I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to delete the Skype contact because I fear that I may have one of my crazy Anna Karenina moments and write something I regret and within this accept and allow that I am not in charge of what I do because I leave it all to my sub-normal personalities and Characters to step in and drive the show, and for accepting my weakness instead of standing up in and as self responsibility to live as the Directive principle of me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself to, when I watched the Italian documentary about the Bodies of Women, to feel sad and ashamed for what we have accepted and allowed as we believed that our worth is only in the desire we can manufacture in a man and that our education or ability to live effectively in the world amounts to nothing until we have someone wanting to fuck us, which is the result of what we accepted and allowed ourselves to believe about our value as something separate that we have to achieve, that we have to work for, that we have to collect points that ensure that our survival within the system is guaranteed, and for feeling disgusted at us as women and what we have become I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that this is one reason why I cannot let go of the Beauty construct or the desire to make up, because I fear the perception of my loss of value in my own eyes, the diminishment of myself from a sexually desirable object to nothing and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that unless I am fuckable and judged by males as such, I am worthless and unable to compete and as such to survive in this male dominated patriarchal world, and for participating in this gender delusion and power struggle, I forgive myself

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Day 230: I am Yours, You are Mine - Love as Ownership

It seemed romantic once. 

To think and say such things. Movies were full of them, the idea of ownership in and as Love, plus I come from a country where women are 'given away' in marriage, to symbolize the passage of ownership from father to husband. This was the reason why we didn't have a right to keep the maiden name either, because a property has to pass under the owner's name.

There are many things in our culture we don't even see, we just take them on board, they become normal, the exchange of the rings, the having the engagement ring given first, to say you have been booked, to emphasize that the process of ownership is underway, you are no longer free to fuck around basically, the engagement ring -engages a woman into a contract.

There are many other ways to say the same thing, I belong to you, will be yours forever, I won't be anybody else's but yours, it must be intended physically, because no one seems to have anything to say about the times they have sex with someone and think about someone else, so no one is after the ownership of someone else's mind, you can keep that one to yourself -have enough troubles with mine- so it's the ownership of the body, funny because everyone says how important the heart is, the soul is, and yet what we want to own of another is their body, we want to be sure no one else owns it, we put on it an exclusivity right, its safer, it makes us believe that it will last longer if one doesn't go around enjoying himself/herself with others least one gets to the point of comparison and we fall short on that.

So of course I have played this card many times, it goes with the 'I love yous' we say, its an extra flavour and dimension we add to it, we keep upping the stakes of the value we trade for a relationship, my love not enough? Have my body, take it, it's yours, forever.

When we take the time to look into our culture the ridiculousness of it all is impossible to miss, we make promises we can't keep, the body one is just one of many, how can we claim someone else's body or give away our own, where would we live then? How about when we go to work, do something not together, whose body is it then if not just mine and even during sex, whose body is it if not mine, if not me as the physical?

And yet we crave those declarations, they make us feel important, since we sold out everything, being owned by 'choice' seems not such a bad deal after all, I chose to give my body away...and how would that ever happen? HOW?

I have lived Love as ownership, trying to make people mine and be theirs, exchanging bodies on the meat market for value and a sense of security and ultimately, most important, to abdicate my responsibility for myself and give it to another, to the owner of my body, and then wondered why I lived like a Slave after choosing my Own Masters.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have memories of movies and books in which women said to a man 'I am yours' and to perceive an upliftement like if THAT was the point I should strive for, to be owned by someone, so since I did not own myself in full self responsibility, someone else would

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to own another so I could diminish the fear that I faced every time 'Love' came into the picture as something I had to now hang on to, feed, nurture and within this fear of losing what was never real I would create the desire to own someone so that the chances of losing them and the feelings I felt as positive feelings could last longer and be less threatened

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to own someone else and within this desire for ownership of another I forgive myself for supporting the whole master and slave relationship construct of this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a high when I heard the words 'you are mine or I am yours' as if I had achieved something, as if owning someone of be owned added value to myself and the experience of myself because I was no longer alone and for fearing being alone to walk this physical experience believing I was not enough I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how good it would feel to hear the words 'you are mine - I am yours' as if that would be the arrival point of something, of love in its ultimate expression, without seeing realizing and understanding that anyone who wants to give themselves up in exchange for another is not whole and the foundation of such trade is fear and the belief of not being good enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one is whole until they find their twin soul, and for looking for my twin soul as an attempt to complete myself, to be appreciated, to be enough as I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I would find him then I would experience myself differently and within this abdicating the responsibility of how I experienced myself at anytime to a chance meeting with a man to whom 'I could give myself'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss out on all the symbolism of marriage and women 'given away' by fathers to another man as one of the point on which I built this belief that I don't own myself, that I am first "owned" and then "given away", which is why so much garbage came from the end of the relationship with my ex husband as I suddenly perceived myself 'not belonging to anyone' and therefore less than I was before when 'I did belong to someone'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manifest consequences for myself as a result of this 'Giveaway Character' that I played and resulted in me never feeling whole or worthy unless I belonged to someone and someone 'belonged to me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding I had just separated myself  into a Character in my Mind seeking for ownership and belonging as a point of worth and value

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my separation into a 'not good enough character' expose myself to both external and internal manipulation in which anyone who would come and play this role would be welcomed as I would blind myself to looking if the potential relationship coming would be supportive for both me and another as an equal because I allowed myself to be driven by a Character in my Mind seeking ownership and belonging

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence of my desire/need to own another/belong to another live my times as a single woman as if I were lacking something, missing something, as if I were incomplete, idle, just waiting for the moment when I would own somebody/belong to somebody so I could go back to my patterns of Love/fear for another energy ride to feel alive and More than how I felt when not in an ownership/belonging relationship

When and as I see myself wanting to elicit the words 'I am yours' from another or to speak the words 'I am yours' to another, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, see realize and understand I am walking a Character and that if I do, whatever I create won't be real because a Character can't create anything real, as when I am in Character I am not being Here, self directive in and as breath and thus I am not real

When and as I see myself longing or moving into the longing of owning someone or belonging to someone, I stop and breathe, see realize and understand that this is not Love but ownership, just a program I run when and as I move into fear, instead I investigate what do I fear so I can release myself from this programming once and for all

I commit myself to correct myself every time I see I am about to walk into this Character of ownership/belonging or I see myself react to trigger words of the ownership/belonging Character, until I can stand stable in and as breath here in and as the physical for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

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Day 227: Love IS Fear, make no Mistakes.

I am spending lots of time with my student who is 18 years old, some days up to 7 hours, and today the topic of Love came up following the documentary 'The Trap' that we were watching together for his listening skills.

A few interesting things happened as we watched psychologists trying to delve into the Human Mind, one was that he became uncomfortable and said 'I don't see the point of doing all this digging instead of accepting we'll never be perfect because it's just Human Nature'.

Our chat started on these lines, it's interesting that lately we have spent lots of time together, hours for which I don't charge him because we don't just do English but end up chatting away about his life and what he is going through as he has been lonely lately and at odds with himself and since he enjoys staying here I am assuming this is where I need to be as physical support to someone as one with me, as I would like to receive it, would have liked to receive it, when I was growing up in confusion and turmoil at his same age.

On this point of not charging him today my mum made a joke about how 'clever' he is to get "therapy" for free and how 'silly ' I am to give my time for free, because time is Money and the fact that I am not suspending a Money related activity to support him but just diverting time I would spend on the Internet NOT making money, it's still a nagging point, such is life and how we have come to monetize everything we do with each other, for each other, how uncool is that?

Those chats are of great assistance for me as well, as I notice how I either cruise now through a past potential reaction trigger unfazed or I feel the slight reaction coming up, which happened today.

The reaction was about Love, as I said he is a student of classical studies and so by his 18 year of age he has already solidified an opinion about Love, from classical writings such as Greek tragedies of Gods and Goddesses, or books and movies about what Love is and, due to how we keep passing on our own demented views of the world to children, he lost quite a bit of common sense thanks to system and family indoctrination, a spice of religion and adding to this lot, our 'Love' Culture as Italians, the end result doesn't turn the topic into an easy one.

I offered the question 'Is Love Fear?', as we looked at the dynamics of the documentary 'The Trap' that sent him into reactions, which was specifically the point were Family dynamics were questioned as secret Mind games for Power and Control and so we went looking at how love manifests within family relationships, the biggest point that came up in our interaction was not the denial of Love as fear, but the acceptance that Love without FEAR wouldn't be Love somehow, because how do parents demonstrate their Love for their children unless they insist on warnings and worries, how would the children KNOW they are loved?

The second point was 'Can Love be defined objectively?" such as a glass, we may like it or not but a glass is a glass and we may come to an agreement on its definition, a thing that we cannot do about Love since is a subjective make belief experience which usually is best described with 'I can't explain'.

I found this image on Internet as I looked for a picture for the Blog, what stroke me was how I have never experienced Love as it is represented on the Left but in my Mind alone, in fact even this past week when 'Love' came back up in my life as a possibility, so to speak, the first thing I felt was excitement, which is what we connect with Love in fact, but on further digging in self honesty, the excitement was nothing more than Fear, I moved into the fear that I would allow myself to fuck with myself about it and as I have taken off the pink glasses, quite frankly, there was nothing cool or exciting about it, the excitement was a friction I experienced, I felt tense and not relaxed as the chart says and looking back I always mistook this 'tension' for excitement as a 'positive experience' as Love, when in fact I was living most of what is written on the above table on the right, trying to control myself, self judgement, trying to be better than, as in competing for that special place and then when all else failed, destroy it all. 

So the only true thing I saw from this chart is, that on the left there is what we Imagine and like to believe 'Love Is', but it's non physical but Spiritual AKA Mental and then when we try and drag that mental experience in the physical we are left with the truth of how much the experience of Love is about Fear, because in the seeking of Love I am already in separation, in self judgement, in competition as I turn this 'thing as an experience that I must have' into just another Consumerism product I must have access to, hence I build up tension to get there, to get what is not available for all, to get what I must strive for, reach for and as I move away from Me and increase the Gap, the friction I experience increases and the dream is never delivered, Love is basically, in one word and in its best form, Eternally ELUSIVE, it's not meant to be lived but longed for, desired, craved, because when it moves from the Mental (spiritual) to the Physical, the construct doesn't Hold and everything breaks in one million tiny pieces beyond repair.

As I walk those points of 'Love' for myself and what it meant in my Life, and as I realize that unless Love has a physical application of support where the participants are both improved, expanded and have chances to grow and self realize as Life, then Love is really nothing at all, but a self serving Mind/Emotional game.

My point of reaction was when he told me 'You hold a negative view about love and that such a pessimistic view would be something I would rather never embrace - no matter the reality of it' and as he spoke those lines I perceived myself drifting away looking to justify my negative/bleak view on Love because I perceived the departing from my culture to such a point that I felt diminished and went into fear of judgement as a lunatic and, interestingly, as someone not in touch with 'reality'. 

What was cool was that I did not do that, as justifying why I am not negative, as I saw and realized in the moment that those were my own judgements and fears, but stuck to the physical practical explanation of the application of love as support, as an unconditional presence as something that is tangible and takes place in physical reality vs what goes on in our minds where we don't even require another to participate or even worse, we resent another participating and standing in the way of our 'loving feelings' even when they are the apparent reason for them and we could come to a mutual understanding that didn't leave uncomfortability as misunderstandings as I avoided pushing for my own knowledge to be driven home but stuck to what I have self realized as I walk this point.

In this I assisted myself with what Bernard once said, that humbleness is to set aside your desire to be right or to tell someone they are wrong because you see in that moment that your support to them is more important than making a point, and this was a cool example I lived today for myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to what my mother said about time and money, not because of what she said, but because I myself had gone into my Mind evaluating the point that I spend so much time with this boy for which I am not rewarded, but since I did not like this thought to be me thinking such things, I suppressed it and denied, only to have my mother say it our loud and then feel pissed at her, wondering why did she have to mention that since then I would have to look at that point and take responsibility for how I have monetized everything about myself and this existence to the point that I equate my time with money, no matter the fact that I am not in fact 'losing money' but still my time has a Money value I have assigned to it since I was working and since I  have been asked to give my time for money when I was a young kid to help around the house, and for feeling ashamed that I have accepted and allowed myself to live time equal to money and as such live a system of credit and debits relative to the time I give 'freely' to others I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mum made that joke and I felt stupid and silly for NOT charging for my time, to reply that I had been given a Christmas cake, which of course just added fuel to the already compounded suppressed thoughts and my desire to believe I am not such a person to monetize everything I do, and for desiring to justify myself so I would stop the self judgement of myself as silly, not business minded enough, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my students overstays, catch myself going into my mind calculating my time x money equation and then, instead of dealing with why this thoughts come up, pop up just because I feel ashamed of them, suppress them as if they were not my thoughts and then justify them as in 'everyone's gotta make a living' when in fact I am just trying to stop the shame without correcting the point, and for feeling ashamed of myself for what I have become relative to Money and Time I forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of others of me as a lunatic out of touch with reality for walking myself out of the Love Construct as if I lost something of myself that I can never get back, and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I in fact fear my own self judgement as having done a terrible thing, having betrayed my 'loving' Culture for Life, because this is the premise of a CULT, to not allow the space for anyone to move out of it and as I am practicing self correcting myself on this point I have activated the CULT defense mechanism to make sure I don't change as I fear who will I be if I will give up the chance to Love and be Loved forever

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my student said basically that 'I am sad' to react within with a sense of diminishment, wanting to justify and explain why I am NOT sad as in a sad old lost soul who has given up all dreams such as 'Love' to get real and what's the point of it, who was I harming with a bit of Love, instead of seeing and realizing that I still resist the complete let go of this construct as I fear having to face the LOSS of such a big important part of my Life that I have used to define myself and to separate myself from others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to see the similarities between my feelings of "Love' and my feelings of 'FEAR' because when and if I did, this game would be over for good and since I defined myself with lines such as 'you are nobody til somebody loves you' you are my everything, my life, my soul' then I feared that I would have to face the nothingness of me beyond my chance to be loved/love again, because I did give up the loving, but not the hoping and for hoping that Love would rescue me from myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live Love in and as fear, fearing to lose the excitement, the perceived More-ness of me as the experience I lived when I did allow myself to move into this construct I have myself created, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that Love can only be Real when it's me as Love including everything as Life, and not an 'experience' of energy as a positive/negative experience, but a stable physical application of myself to give as I would like to receive and to push myself beyond my limitations such as mind constructs to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All.

 

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Day 224: "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe".. Joke!

I have been a very loved woman. From afar.

Even though I have taken on the point of 'Love' before, it was more to release myself from some of my Cultural beliefs but I had not realized the Nature and truth of Love as clearly as in this past week, as I revisited in my Life the Hows of all the 'Love' declarations I received in my life, either openly or in more concealed, 'in between the lines' ways. With openly I meant the times a man just came out and plainly told me or wrote it to me and the second case would be when it was hinted, implied, built into the words expressed but not an absolute in your face "I Love/Loved you".

As this point opened up, my Mind offered a dolly shot of all the times I was the "object" of a man's love, obviously as Gian's wrote once, it was mainly the play out of a cultural exchange we believe we have to go through for Sex, so many men would just use that point as the 'passpartout' into a woman's bedroom, but this could not happen unless the woman was equally pre-programmed and then self-programmed to crave for this 'declaration' as a point of self worth and self importance that allowed the bedroom door to open, hopefully 'diminishing' the fear that she will be used, or judged or left afterward, when men wake up and find their interest just gone, as 'what they really wanted' and got, extinguished the fake flame of "Love", if it was ever there to start with and they were not just blatantly manipulating by saying it, just as much as we manipulated ourselves by believing it.

Did we get the drift as women about how ridiculous this is yet? How would simple words such as 'I love you' be a guarantee of anything, including someone's 'honest' intentions for intimacy and getting to know another better, what substance do they carry if they are not lived out?

And doesn't the word Love immediately evoke Fear at the same time? Isn't the declaring Love a space in which one, if one cares to self investigate', will move immediately into the Fear of not being loved anymore? Is Love Fear after All?

When I was married I said 'I Love you' many times, to the point that I was asked to stop because 'it didn't sound real anymore', it was hurtful to hear this, but True.The reason why I said 'I Love you' so many times was because I didn't, I couldn't bring myself to the kind of excitement that I had associated with Love, plus as I said in my previous blogs, many of the cultural elements I had imprinted myself with as the 'defnition of Love' were missing, such as Possessiveness, Jealousy and ownership, hence it seemed necessary to fill those gaps with meaningless words as a layer of projected stability and forever-ness, the hope that if I kept repeating them they would come true, 'I love You' was my act of atonement for the self dishonesty with which I walked into my marriage and the very point that increased the self dishonesty I lived within it.

How utterly meaningless the words 'I love you' are was just brought home recently, to a deeper level than what I understood as I first begin walking this Process of Self Correction.

Back to the first line, I was loved a lot, a lot a lot, mostly and specifically when I was NOT around.

Isn't this weird?

If Love was real, wouldn't you Love more the "object" of Your Love when they are around then when they are not? Wouldn't Love be the commitment to each other to support each other unconditionally that doesn't even require those words to be expressed as both partners live them in their relationship as themselves, instead of a fantasy that generates a feeling that one goes off and lives in his/her own Mind, wouldn't Love Require the other person to be around at least, if Love was About The Other One at all?

But it is not. And this is why I was loved Best from Afar and I myself loved best and most from afar. Because you need 'the object and subject' of your Love to Not Be Around, as when they do they in fact stand in the way of our ability to generate this feeling which is based on a self created fantasy and so one can go and write poems and songs that are ethereal, eternal, untouched by the physical reality of things, unsoiled, and they can last forever, just as long as reality doesn't come in the way with its pettiness of having to adjust to sharing a space and make time work for both, working on how physical support can be given to each other, working on becoming considerate lovers, sharing responsibilities in the physical that have nothing to do with 'your aura like a dawn, your eyes like starry skies, your heavenly smell and how You make me feel' because no one is making us feel anything, all those things are self created which should be blatantly clear when we see that this "Love' we talk about and write about and sing about doesn't require the presence of another at all.

The best letters I received from my ex husband were prior to living together, the fantasy ended when I moved in, my first love asked me to marry him when I left to go back to Italy through a heartbreaking letter but I said NO, when I went back for him a few years later he said NO and then spent many more years writing about me.

Did that change my life in any way? NO. I didn't even know about it, but 'THAT was not the point, silly', I was un-required, inconsequential and furthermore blatantly demeaning to the fantasy had I ever showed up.

Which it did happen and I had the impression that while on one hand there was a moment of excitement, there was little to say because we never built a relationship or intimacy and so it was in fact the meeting of two strangers and possibly I did not play it out as well as in the self created fantasy, I did not give all the right answers, the right props to feed the fantasy and the awkwardness of Love coming to face with reality was palpably there, I was an uninvited guest in my own 'Love Story', piss off, let me Love you, please, don't come and spoil it all for me, will ya.

Was Love of any support through my Life for myself or others, both the one I was informed about and the one I informed others about? NO

Is Love selfish then? Absolutely. Love as a feeling is what I create for myself as a 'feel good experience' for which I in fact use another as a point of focus, so I can get to that experience I crave for, it doesn't include another, should You stick around too long, soon or later I will see something in You that I don't like in me and blame you for it and then My Love will come to an end, I would hate that, so please, I beg you, don't stick around.

Tomorrow I will walk this Love Character both from the giving and the receiving side of it to commit myself to stop my separation from Love as a word with no practical application in the physical, to redraw myself into Love beyond the selfishness of the positive experience I sought for myself with no regards to how could I live it as an expression of me, Equal and One for All, in and as a physical practical application of Self.

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Day 222: You are Nobody Till Somebody Loves You - Character

With this blog I am going to investigate the point of 'romantic relationships' what they meant to me, how I built my life around them and how I felt justified to suppres it all when I boarded the Desteni Process, just because I started process from the point of 'renouncing' what I had understood so far 'living' was. Hence since relationships were one of my big fuck ups, I would give them up for good.
This decision came with consequences, some of which I have already written about and some that I will explore in the following days because this point is quite large which is another reason why I did not want to take it on, plus of course, to leave for myself another chance at the "experience of relationship" when I would decide I wanted one.

'Renunciation' as a point came up as I was chatting with a friend who is walking process like me and while I had become aware of my fear of being attractive, I have not dug into the why as "Fear of relationships", as feeling exposed to the possibility that someone, somewhere would come along and tell me 'I love you' and then off I would go back on the Merry go Round of Feelings and Emotions, spinning out of control, sabotaging everything I Have walked so far.

So, as I have been wobbling walking process for a week now as I fought like Luke Skywalker to push down everything that was coming up after my first love came back on the scene, and as I said to myself for a few days, gotta write it all out, I kept postponing in fear that I might lose my last chance at a 'high' so to speak, when in fact for the first time I have created enough 'space' inside myself to be able to realize what I was doing and that my fears are unjustified and they need to be released.
Many points came up about why I told myself 'never again' with regard to relationships and I will walk them all, but as I prepared to gather all these points inside of me to see more clearly, this song by Dean Martin popped up.

At the time when I praised and practiced "Romance", this song used to make me cry. Few days ago when the theme popped up again I felt angry, and I started to look at all the songs I have memorized about love which have more or less the same take, how insignificant we are without Love, minuscule, Nobodies, scum of the earth.

Interesting that within that perception of ourselves we then WALK into relationships, in my case looking for a fix to everything that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not, a sure recipe for disaster, because once the ride of the emotions and feelings ends, we fall on our asses, we fall to start with, as we board the Love delusion, that's why is called "Falling in Love", instead of staying firmly with our feet on the ground beyond emotions and feelings to see how supportive a relationship can truly be, if there is a chance to expand and grow together, if we can make a commitment that will last because we'll put in the work to make it last.

So, as an Italian, as a representative of the CULTure of Love, I was exposed since I was little to Love Songs, which are nothing more than Codes, codes that we write within ourselves and then accept and allow to set standards and guidelines about 'what relationships should be about'.

Many of the Love songs I listened to were about tragic Loves, she left, he left, she died, he died, she was unfaithful -he killed her (this is possibly only in our Culture :)) but then he went to jail and spent his life thinking about her, she was betrayed but then She Survived, She Was Strong Enough etc.

Tragedy apparently is the best ingredient for lyrics, we make movies with happy endings and songs with tragic endings, as a living example of our bipolar existence of desires and fears as The Mind, plus artists seem to need that kind of kick in the face to get moving, to 'express' themselves as their sorrows.

So it is no wonder that since an early age my life revolved around the idea of romance and great love, I was Nobody until somebody loved me, never in a million years can mothers who don't love and accept themselves unconditionally teach their children otherwise.

My mum was not very romantic, but she was man-dependant, it is really weird because she always ended up in poor relationships that led nowhere, my father left telling her he was going to buy cigarettes after 3 years of marriage, the second long relationship she had was with a gambler she ended up supporting financially as well and that would belittle her at every possible chance and what I saw was always a very capable woman who went into a wobble around men, her behaviour was kind of disgusting to me, the fact that she would lock herself in her bedroom on Sundays and wail and then come out all bothered with red eyes, led me to think that living relationships with men from the starting point of 'need' was demeaning and embarrassing.

This is how and why I developed a relationship personality specifically for men which backfired big time Sooo many times one would think I would have revisited and corrected myself. But NO, I did not, instead I created layer upon layer of justification about why I had a right to exist in such a spiteful way, always trying to be in control so I wouldn't have to live as my mother lived, as a woman diminishing herself day by day, seeking the 'love' of a man just so she could be somebody, ending up exactly like my mother in a suppressed denied version, and by the time I ended my relationship with my ex h., there was little of me left at all.

Tomorrow I will start to walk my Self Forgiveness about 'Who I have been within relationships with men' to return myself to me, to stop this diminishment that creates cravings and creates backdoors for self manipulation into emotion and feelings, as it has happened to me this past week, so I can just "feel" alive, one last time.

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