A Director's Journey to Life: Abuse Women

Showing posts with label Abuse Women. Show all posts

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Day 134: Gender Hatred - Self Forgiveness

Anaclasis – A Haunting Gospel of Malice & Hatred (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when I read that another woman has been attacked with acid throwing by her former lover

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel entitled to hate men that violate women because I am a woman and I have to stand by my 'gender'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and to say that some men should be hanged by their balls and left there to die, failing to see that I have been and still am participating and fueling the same gender hatred I blame men for, and that there is no difference in hatred just because one seems 'justified hatred' while the other doesn't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women are better than men because we do not go as low as such acts of violence and abuse as men seem capable of, instead of realizing both genders are a product of a sick society of fear and hatred and there is no difference but in the expression of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aways look for the points through which I can up a man to prove that I am better than them and would never go as low as they do with their expression of violence and hatred toward women, instead of realizing that desiring to diminish another to prove that I am better is an act of hatred and violence that has just not become physical yet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the toxicity we show to each other within relationships is who we really are and that it will never change because men are just basically bastards and they would do anything they can to put a woman down, instead of realizing I have done the same within my gender wars to make sure I would come out on top

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such relationships have a future as long as we hide and sugar coat the hatred for each other well enough, instead of seeing that we have to draw a line and STOP because we have gone as far as we could with gender hatred and it's time to put down the weapons, forgive the past and redefine how we want to relate to each other in a way that is supportive for who we are as life and as Honourable as the World we wish to see manifest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'men are stupid' because women can scheme and manipulate more efficiently than men, which could in fact be one of the very sources of the hatred men feel for us and then suppress as they get the manipulation point but not how we do it in the specific, which leaves them with a sense of frustration that bottled up leads to hatred and violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women are better than men because they don't throw acid on a man's face, instead of seeing and realizing that each gender hits the other through what we perceive is their assets, so as men try to take away women's beauty as their market value, women go for their money as their market value, they just go about it when possible 'the legal way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the hatred and the fear that I felt for men within my life because that would not be 'ladylike' to dig up and look at as denial for women was always recommended, instead of seeing that we are mirroring each others' hatred which is ultimately our self hatred for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become while seeking for friction to keep this demented 'Energetic' creation in place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that rape is a result of a society in which sex has become a weapon just like everything else we engage with, and that we need to address everything that we have accepted and allowed because this Creation is tainted and damaged by our self Hatred that is manifesting through every possible Mean, from sexual to physical to verbal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry when men blame women after they beat them or violate them seeking for excuses for the hatred that played out and they were not able to contain, instead of seeing that we blame men for the hatred that we feel for them and we do not manifest in the same ways

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that confining human expression to Genders leads to hatred for the expressions one believes to not have access to that belongs to the other gender and that one point we need to address is the self expression suppressed within our 'gender confinments' to allow any gender to express outside of our defined 'gender boundaries' to stop all suppressions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within gender hatred because it was easy to direct my self hatred on the 'opposite sex' as the perfect way to put a space between myself and my projected hatred and because men always seemed to give us so many good reasons for it that it was hard to resist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for the hatred that has been plaguing our genders in the relationship with each other because I perceived and defined men as the one having all the power, as in the Money/Survival power, instead of seeing and realizing that as I felt justified to hate them for the power I perceived they had, they felt justified to hate us for the power They perceived we have as the power to give birth to another life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that having split Us and Them into our different Perceived Powers within this World would lead to competition and comparison from which only one can come out as the Winner, and that to heal our relationships we have to stop competing and comparing what we have that they don't have and what they have that we don't have and instead accept our different expression as Life that doesn't make anyone of Us More or Less than another but just different in the Expression of Life that we Equally share

I commit myself to no longer react to news regarding this outbreak of violence against women as I work to equalize myself to men, outside of gender roles and preconceived gender based ideas, opinions and beliefs

I commit myself to stop my Gender hatred as I see realize and understand that it is not a Gender hatred but our Fears and self Hatred that we are manifesting on Each other that must be Healed and brought back to Self so we each can address the source as the thoughts that lead to the feelings and emotions that end up in expressions of violence and abuse

I commit myself to no longer support the Us and Them of this existence as it is not possible to be One if we cannot even overcome our perceived Gender Differences, and upholding a line to divide Men and Women is just an idea of separation within which we lose ourselves and forget that We are One and that anything that stands in the Way of the One as Self must be Healed and released, so we may come together as Life and What is best for All and return Home Here within the physical in the simplicity of Breath, for Ourselves and All of Existence, Equal and One

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Day 129: Please Molest me, Give me a Reason to Live.

Today I had a visit from a friend of a friend, a fiscal advisor that lives in my building and that had told me he was interested in sharing ideas about Natural Medicine.

As I showed him my house he made a few attempts to either hold me by my waist or over my shoulder, I simply slid out of every attempt but did not speak up, instead I moved into a famiiar physical uncomfortability, interesting that now the formal laguage is no longer a step men have to cross before they try to grab you, hey I can call you Madam and molest you, something that requires my updating in the customs of this Country, when I left 17 years ago, the language was the first pass they would have to make to step into informality before they would touch you.

Then when I held out my hand to say bye bye, he grabbed me pulled me toward him and planted a kiss on my cheek, a sleazy one, my body went into rigor mortis and so he apologized and told me you are wonderful and left. How to con one's way out with a con-pliment ? When he left I felt this rage, I was so angry at myself as I saw myself not saying clearly 'what are you meaning with this behavior, or something else' right, I did not say anything because I don't know what to say. I have been molested since I was a kid, either grabbed on buses and rubbed against, walked in the park when an exhibitionist wanked himself looking at me and gesturing to go over there, yeah right, for one year when I was between 13 and 14 I had more molestation than I can recall, the bus was a place I entered fearing that it would happen again, as soon as it would fill up someone would come and rub against my ass, when I went and complained to my mother she said 'isn't it strange that it only happens to you?". The year before I was molested in my bedroom by our family friend, a monk who used to stay overnight that told me to go to his bed for a Confession.

I don't remember even starting the Confession rite, I remember instead him being horny and grabbing me to try to put his hands under my nightie and forcing a kiss on my mouth until I stood up and went and locked myself into the bathroom, sat on the bathtub to think what would be the best course of action, waking up my mother was a nono, what if she blamed me ? She didn't that time, the Monk robe was flying out of the window by the time I reached the courtyard, but that was extreme. My mother saw the other molestations as my fault, I did not wear make up or high heels, never wore a skirt, just jeans and shirts, so how was that my fault exactly. yet believed I must be doing something wrong, no matter what tried, no eye contact, standing against the bus sides, nothing worked, when we could queue to get off, here they were, I noticed that most of them had blue eyes, tried the molester profiling in my head but you would always get the surprise to throw you off, the monk had brown eyes, he was a family friend since my birth, he was really difficult to profile and to be on guard about.

Today I felt the same way, violated, a thing and not a person, when this man later called me to tell me he did not have my mobile and how could he send me his number I gave it to him, while my anger at myself worsened, WHY the fuck would I give my number to this man, isnt' there a line to draw regarding the Politeness Belief System? Apparently NOT, I listened to his speech about how great it was to meet me, realized he had not picked up enough on my body rigidity and pulling back, when he said what a fantastic time he had and how I was this and that, but in fact I wasn't Hearing anything as I was seething with this feeling of 'how did you dare?' And as soon as I saw the chance I said 'and I am someone who doesn't want any story'.

What a fucking lame line? To which he said 'no, not a story that is heavy stuff, coffee, chatting, as friends' which means no commitment just fucking, haha my own line backfired and pushed me into a corner, well done. Yet the point of the litanies and fairy tales of past molester staid with me, this sense of hatred that I have suppressed for men due to how I perceived myself everytime one of these events would take place, feelings of powerlessness, fear, no man is a safe place in fact, there are no borders they won't cross, it happened with one of my mum's partners as well, twice, the first time I did not tell, the second I did. My mum asked me to leave her house as she said that 'I was jealous of her sexuality', I was 18 and had a boyfriend and plenty chances for fucking, and No, she is Not a comedian.

That was the only time I spoke up in the moment, both the first and the second time.

So what is it about women and Molestation that makes us keep quiet, that we don't want to offend, that we fear we may be judged as 'sour puss" or 'wooden cunts' as they say in Italy, how did we come to this place where it is Women who have to justify everything, from molestation to Rape, to being attacked and abused, what is it that locks us into this perverse dance with the abusers?

Today I am angry, I am angry for all the times I have not stood up to a man and told him to keep his hands to himself, clearly, no double entendre to sweeten the pill, just the clear communication that I don't like what you are doing, so why are these words lacking from my vocabulary?

In all my history of molestation apart from my mum's partner, but that may have been coerced out of me due to the 'family tie', I stood up only once for a little girl on the bus when I saw a man approaching her and touching her, I saw it from her face, she said nothing but I told her to come and sit next to me, I gave him the evil eye and he got off at the next stop, for the rest I always went for the 'soft approch' when it happened on crowded buses I would try to slide away, leaving the molester to look for another victim, with the monk I got up and locked myself into the bathroom, with friends, colleagues wankers anyone, I have always and only diverted my attention and tried to 'make them understand' that I was not interested, choose words to blame me, sorry I am going through a difficult time, it's not about you it's about me, so I would not hurt their feelings through a rejection, because hei, even molesters have feeings, shouldn't we keep that into account?

Actually NO, we should stop considering their feelings AT ALL and stand up, make it CLEAR that handling women as if they were just things there for the handling is Not Acceptable, that molesting children is Not Acceptable because whatever is going on in Your fucking Mind You/We have got to deal with it, take responsibility for it, and not go out and just play out on others The Demons that we have let loose within our Minds.

Do you have the desire to molest women, to rub on them, to grab them against their will, to rape them?

Help yourself to STOP, We don't like it, it is your fucking fantasy that We do, reality is not a Porn movie, when you grab a woman against her will she will not turn around and Moan to show you how much she likes it or how long she has been waiting for you as her reason to live, she will instead feel violated, disrespected as a Human being and then angry at Herself for not having stood up and told you clearly that it is Not OK unless it is by mutual agreement and that silence doesn't mean agreement in any way whatsoever, and that what you are doing is not Sexy, you are just a DickHead putting your desire for sex above the understanding that unless is Mutual it's by default a NO and not, ever ever, a YES.

Self forgiveness and Self Commitment to stop this Play out in My Life to follow tomorrow