Day 229: The Memories of The Way We Were

Christmas Day: already uneasy with myself for having caved in to the red Christmas tablecloth and a Santa that lit up that my mother brought from one of her markets hunts. 

Not that I have not made myself heard about Christmas but this year unlike last year when I went through a 'give it all away frenzy' and 'no fucking Christmas deco in this house' I did not feel like fighting it and maybe fighting Christmas it's not even the point but the milking it, the 'Merry Christmases' said to strangers for that moment of delusive 'shared goodness' something I have always enjoyed about Christmas day, a day of 'Hope' for Humanity, that we would take that chance to change, to realize our inherent 'goodness' and while we sat feeling lucky and giving a fleeting thought to the unlucky ones in the world, we could have our cake and it it too.

So I bought presents this year, nothing useless, all useful things for a bunch of people I interact with, mainly clothes, my mum had a moment about what to give to our neighbors for which I felt irritation, I had already solved that point within me, my suggestion was 'NOTHING' because I had built up credits this year with them through what I gave them and the massages I gave to both so I did not feel I HAD to give something, while she did and she battled the thought of just giving a bottle of wine I had at home, it was not enough to 'look good' in their eyes and we had to add some dried fruits to make up the imaginary gap between the value of the wine bottle and an acceptable monetary figure to express 'the value' of the 'relationship' we don't even have.

Basically I was quite disappointed at myself as Christmas turned out just like Love, something I was not ready to let go due to the 'Joy Factor' that is inbuilt into both.

So when my ex Love's cousin sent the Christmas wishes on FB on behalf of my ex, I reciprocated and sent my number to take him off this loop as an intermediary, the middle man between two long lost lovers.

My phone rang a few times before I answered it, first time I ignored it as we were having our lunch, the next times it rang while I went down to buy cigarettes with my friend and my mum tried to reply but she said 'there was someone saying 'Hello Hello' and they could not hear each other. I knew it was him.

When the phone rang again I took it to my bedroom and finally answered, we chatted for about 10 minutes, what I noticed was that when he said he couldn't really recognize my voice, that it was 'different' I went searching for my 'then voice' but could not find it, I wished I could have been that woman again, that girl he liked so much and longed for.

On the same point there is my digging for memories that has been going on since this contact took place, I feel ashamed that I can't bring everything back as if the value of relationships is in fact logged into images and how many I successfully manage to file away for later use, even though I have proved to myself not only that memories can't be trusted to tell a story but that basically I filed only the ones that supported me into special characters and definition of myself and others I wished to hang on to.

So it's not hard to see why this specific filing is missing so many tassels, I have already worked it out, it's because once he told me 'NO' when I went looking for him again, I filed this point as a rejection and no one holds up a candle to a rejection or better, no one of my personalities does, hence I deleted the files, something I did not succeed to do with my ex husband for example, whose file I had to delete one frame at the time, one passage at the time, because it had accumulated into something of apparent worth and value that I held on to because 'you never know' I might have the need to revisit it to beat myself up about it, as in that case too, I did not file the whole story, but just the 'bad side of me' as if I had already come to that conclusion about myself, that I was beyond repair and I had to keep the records to prove it to myself if I ever came to doubt it.

This brings up a memory of the first time I was sent to summer camp, basically the first time I was away from my mother for a prolonged period of time and how I would lie in bed at night trying to bring up her face and how I discovered in horror that a few days after my arrival her face started to fade, a point for which I experienced much guilt and shame, because WHO in the world would forget her mother? And yet the image blurred as the day went past and I cried over it as if the picture fading was herself fading out of my life, as if the fact that I could not hold that picture as clear as when I was looking at her proved that I did not love her, that I did not care, why would I let her face go if I did?

So, holding on to memories became important for me as the definition of my relationships, and in this past week I tried to write out everything I remember about that first love and I was amazed to see how little it was, I mean I run away from home for this boy, spent one year in Ireland getting jobs here and there just to have the chance to spend time together, I was already 17, so where did all the memories go, why were they not relevant to keep, I can see why I almost completely deleted 'the second coming' but the first one whole year, come on, so every time a little memory would pop up I felt a sense of achievement, see, I CAN remember they are there somewhere, I'll dig them up, I will line them all filling the holes to see what happened and how this relationship shaped all the ones that followed.

Another thing took place, as I felt authorized by his highlighting how important I was, I moved into ownership and into an insane desire to question him about 'why if he only thought about me for 20 over years, he then went and had 2 children with another woman?', cos 1 child can be excused, it may have happened, but the second must have been a choice, so why did you, how dared you, couldn't you see into the future how this point alone would have complicated everything, why didn't you think about Us?
Note to Self -I was not even thinking about him for over 20 years if not occasionally and certainly I did not base any of my Life decisions on Him-

But I will unravel the Ownership point in another Blog because it's big and cultural and something that I realized I do like a Monkey, step into it and then travel on the tracks up to it's final destination: Insanity, and that point needs a correction all by itself.

Instead I will write out the SF for this point of memory digging and wanting to embody the past.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed at myself for how I handled Christmas day because I have been reading blogs about it and how everyone handled it and took what I saw and judged it as a militant stand against it and I did not see myself doing the same, and within comparison I judged myself as not devoted enough to the cause of changing myself or I would have said to everyone involved 'fuck Christmas'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up ideas of what is the best course of action regarding Christmas and how to live it based on things that I have read from others who have made different decisions than mine and in that feel inferior because I didn't do enough, instead of just going along with the day of which I did not make a big fuss about but just spent with family and friends, cooking a meal that was normal and where there was no waste or excesses to highlight that we had to 'overdo' the day due to 'traditions'.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to drag this disappointment at myself so far that I no longer felt like writing myself out because I would have to write this point out and look as well at what happened with my neighbors with which I felt fine not giving any gift because I had 'credits' while I blamed my mum for wanting to give her present an acceptable 'monetary value ' to reflect the value of a relationship that is not real, because I would have to look at all the Christmas pasts when I did just that and chose presents based on their monetary value or fun value so I would be accepted and liked for making people feel good on such a 'special day' and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build credits inside of me for what I do for others which is then invalidated by my book keeping because I don't do anything for nothing but to accumulate 'brownie points' that I can use once I have to make decisions on 'having to give or not' in a 'giving occasion' such as Christmas

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build up points of self judgement to the point that I move into the 'I no longer care' character as I convince myself that it's all just too much and that giving up Christmas and Love in one go is just ridiculous and not Human and something I will never be able to do because Christmas and Love ranked among my 5 most favorite things in the world and the ones that gave me the most 'joy' as an experience of an energy high and I resent having to give them up, whatever the cause

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel excited when I saw the missed call from Ireland and for moving into Fear when I finally heard his voice as I felt guilty that I had been unable to collate all the pieces of the past that he seemed to treasure so much and I wanted to level with him and have the same pictures to swap and chat about but I could not and for feeling guilty for the 'missing pictures in my file' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished because I have a log hole, such as being unable to recall the events of one year in a fluent logical sequence, which then makes me feel dishonest for Not having participated in the same way, putting in the same amount of time into remembering Us and who we were, for Not having paid the same attention to preserving my past and for judging myself as careless, superficial, unable to really love someone whenever a picture went missing from my files and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as a kid to believe that memory was important, valuable, a tool to define what was relevant in my life and for feeling bad when someone would say 'don't you remember?' as if I were faulty somehow that I could not remember and for judging myself as faulty because I did not file images and moments as efficiently as others I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, feel shame, guilt and despair when I realized I was losing the picture of my mum's face, that it was kind of dissolving and for fearing that I did not know how to preserve it and that it was my fault for 'damaging' this memory in some way due to me not loving my mother enough or having done something wrong that I could not figure out I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that relationships are measured in memories, holding on to the past as a proof of the worthiness of a relationship, instead of bringing myself here and seeing whatever relationship I face for what it is now and for who I am within it now, seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need memories when I am Here, as all of me is Here with me and Life and myself is not defined by pictures, images or moments in time but by who I am in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself seeking memories for a perceived 'added value' to the moment I live, I stop, breathe, bring myself back Here as I see realize and understand that I can only seek for more value when I am in and of the Mind because when I am Here in and as Breath I am enough and nothing needs to be added to make the moment or myself 'more'

When and as I see myself moving or about to move myself into diminishment and self judgement due to my inability to bring up a memory, I stop and breathe, remind myself that memories are flashcards of the past that I lived not as a self directed being and as such they carry nothing of value and I breathe myself back Here until I no longer feel the desire to seek value through memories and pictures

When and as I see myself seeking memories to work out a point, a moment, a decision I have to make, I stop and Breathe as I see realize and understand that a memory is a thought and a thought created and filed when I lived my preprogrammed life doesn't belong to me but to one of my characters/personalities and that I cannot learn or understand anything new through the eyes of a character because all my characters and personalities are a product and live in and as The Past

I commit myself to stop using memories and pictures to define myself and others and or past/present experiences and to, whenever I see myself looking for pictures for validation, value or as a tool for decision making, to stop bring myself back Here in and as Breath until I am stable again in and as the physical.

Related articles

• Day 65: Dreams and Memories
• Day 166 - Christmas - Pt. 2
• Day 253: Learned Helplessness Character - Our Body is Speaking our Mind
• Day 255: Learned Helplessness Character - Oh Woe is Me! (wink, wink)

Day 195: The Evil in Childhood

First I want to redefine the word Evil for myself as it has much negative/bad/dark/ EVIL lol charge that approaching this subject still makes me cringe at some level, nothing in comparison to prior my meeting with Desteni, when I would have shivers at the mention of Evil or Demons, but there is still a sense of uneasiness in walking this topic, even more if the topic is Evil in Childhood= Anathema.

In fact what is Evil if not Live backward? The point that we have never been One and Equal to Life, living the Oneness and Equality of who we could have been, giving to each other what we would have liked to receive, but no, we had to become winners on a planet of Losers, we had to be more than another in fear of being less, we had to find meaning in our Being-ness instead of just Being here expressing ourselves in real Freedom with One another, sharing this planet and a Dignified Life in which we would be real support for one another, real Human Beings instead of backstabbing evil demons, hence we lived, existed and did it all backward.

I never believed in the innocence of children, I had my reasons, I don't recall myself as innocent ever, my memories start with deception and manipulation and a sense of being lost in a place no one seemed to know much about including the WHY we are Here and what we are supposed to do. Stretching the story of 'living; into something 'beautiful' is just that, a huge stretch of the imagination, my childhood years from when I can remember where made of anxiety, a feeling of being out of place, not belonging and a huge fear that this place wasn't even a bit safe, and the sense of not being safe started with my family, I didn't trust them one bit.

When my girlfriends started to have children, I never changed my mind, I had a lot of guilt too due to believing that I was able to see right through children and not being able to buy into the crap of their 'good intentions and good hearts', we are not born with good intentions, we are on a survival trip, no matter the stories we tell each other about our goodness or other's goodness they are all hard to believe if we really want to see the truth in all our current interactions, if we miss them, there is a whole World showcase to catch up, the World as a Mirror of Ourselves.

In this I always saw myself at an advantage, I just did not Really believe in Goodness, pretended to, made efforts to, wanted to, but from my experience if you dug deep enough the underlining bullshit would come up in everyone, priests, teachers, nuns, 'la creme de la creme' was still the 'same old same old' bullshitting in sheep's clothes.

This started in childhood, a memory comes up of a time in which I spoke with a baby's voice to charm my step-grandmother, she did not like me, not openly because she was still a Step away from the main Blood family, but when we were alone she was nasty and she would tell me I was a liar and not good, I feared that she saw the bullshitter in me and around her I suppressed much until I found a Character she enjoyed, the subservient one. My mum was another point of self doubt in my life, some of the things she said about me and my clever manipulations were just too embarrassing to hear, some were true and some were not, but even the ones that were not I started to believe they must be true, that maybe those were my 'ulterior motifs' this just lead me to improve my bullshitter skills, to find ways to promote my Characters better, adjust them, fine tune them, until I found the right mix that could keep most of them happy and myself out of trouble.

Interestingly this movement within me had an unexpected side effect: since everyone seemed out 'to expose me and my evil ways' I first started to believe that they were better than me, they must be better or how would they dare calling a spade a spade -was I a Spade-, they must Not be a Spade for such Dare. So a Character was created as 'I am the Worst, everyone is better as in More Good than me'. So through my life I pushed to trust people based on this belief, much of my discoveries did not match this assumption, but I insisted, there was a consolation in the belief that if I am No Good, maybe someone out there is, there better be someone good out there, I am sure there is and I'll find them out and join them.

This Character would thrive on making up excuses for others, hoping they would in return excuse me, justify me for who I was and had accepted and allowed myself to become.

But it never applied to Children, it's like I froze my awareness about the Evil of this world into Childhood and could never move past it and then I went on seeking the good in Adults, fat chance, yet the resistance to see the Evil in everyone is still occasionally there, meaning I see it and then pretend not to, hope they won't see mine either, so we can keep playing the Hide and Seek of this Evil existence into oblivion.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as a kid believing I was not Good Enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe as a kid that I was bad and evil and one of a kind instead of realizing I was in the process of aligning to this world and the examples I saw around me and what I understood it was required of me to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe myself as a kid for giving up on myself and for then projecting this perceived hatred that I believed to be me on other kids because I could not buy their bullshit for a second, just because I had become too devious to be able to buy mine


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base the definition of myself on how others said 'they saw me for my true colours' even when my colors where still in the process of becoming clear to myself or others, taking personally what others exposed about themselves as something about me until I believed that everything they said about me must be true because they were the adults in the equation and they were the ones who knew better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilt because I could clearly see the darkness and evilness of children since I was exposed to my own at a very early age, instead of seeing and realizing I had bought into the same projection game and was now doing to children what was done to me as a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was really bad and evil for seeing reality for what it was, until I stopped and tried my best to align with Not seeing reality for what it is so I could have some peace of Mind and stop asking myself questions that no one had answers to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and believe that guilt to be who I am, when my girlfriends had kids and I could not see those kids as pure and innocent through the eyes of their mothers/my girlfriends no matter how much I wanted it, and for suppressing what I believed I saw because it was inappropriate, because at some level I was aware that what I saw was about me as my stored self judgements and condemnations and no one else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a Storyteller Character because reality was not good enough, not funny enough, not entertaining enough to guarantee I could access the approval of others and as such I had to spice it up, until I would con-fuse myself into alternate reality making myself unable to distinguish what really happened after I changed the stories I told so many times to fit the audience I was telling them to and for creating alternate realities for myself as a kid through storytelling reality I forgive myself



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to betray myself by abdicating who I am to the Mind to live the Life that was designed for me and not the Life I could have been as Breath Here in and as the Physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous and envious of other kids who seemed to have a 'better life', 'better parents', comparing myself with my family and thinking I could not possibly belong there, what was I doing with 'those people' and why was I supposed to love them when in fact most of the time I just plainly feared them and then felt guilty for fearing my own family which added to the belief that I was evil and bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be merciless toward the kid I have been, wanting to disown myself as I perceived and then believed I was dishonorable by the age of 10 and that was not the road to the kind of human being I wanted to become as a 'good human being' and yet the road seemed set before me and I could just walk it because I believed 'this is Who I am' and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my mercilessness of myself onto other kids, because I wanted them to be exposed as I was exposed for the little liars and manipulators that they are, as I was, instead of seeing and realizing how is it that we are creating this monstrosity we call Humanity spoiling kids for life along the way and how can we stop and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek solace in the belief that there must be something good in this Creation, just so I would pile up one disappointment after another until I faced the point that there isn't, pushing to get to the worst inside everyone, hoping to not find it, feeling guilty all the way and ending up believing that had it not been for me, they would have been fine, good people, instead of seeing and realizing I sought the evil in others as my justification for the evil in me, instead of facing my own Evil once and for all and release myself from it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family because I believed THEY were the ones who took the worst out of me to start with, which was the point that I believed caused envy and jealousy for other kids who seemed to have better lives and less shit to deal with, instead of seeing and realizing I just wished for another life and not the one I had walked into through my acceptance and allowance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that other kids would be punished for 'who they were' because I believed I was punished for who I was until I complied to the "Be Nice commands" and aligned with the Sugar Coating as Humanity that is required to live in this world but I for one would not be the one pretending Kids are fine and innocent and secretly suppressed the desire to see them all punished so I could feel better about myself as they too would be exposed and pointed at as unfit for this world and I would not have to feel so bad about myself as the memory of the suppressed kid that I have hang on to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with pictures of my childhood that would justify the Characters I then set out to design and create for myself, I now release myself from those pictures as thoughts to no longer allow myself to be triggered into behaviors that I then justify with 'the kind of life I had/believed I had/ made up in my own mind'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to Not realize that what some of my Family saw in me and condemned was what was hidden within them and they condemned about themselves as I was the product of my Family first and then my environment and all the following brainwashing of an insane society that can only produce insane human beings, and that this was the root of my dislike for children, as I saw in them as children what I had not liked and condemned about myself as a child and then wanted, wished to have them called out for it and exposed in spitefulness as I had been called out and exposed


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my grandparents who instead praised me and only saw 'the good' in me, were just lying to cover up their own evil as the separation we all share that brought us here and that created a world that is backward, upside down, where nothing works but we pretend it does, so we can pretend we are fine too and keep this creation where nothing is what it seems going for the future generations, instead of stopping it once and for all to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing worth saving in what we created as ourselves as The Mind in separation from one another and we need to make a U turn to realign to Oneness and Equality and a Life that is truly best for All.

Related articles

• Day 194: You can always find the Evil behind the Good..& not viceversa
• Facing the Evil within - the KEY to Self Awareness - Day 188
• Comparison is a Bitch - Day 212
• Jealousy and Frustration - I want the Life they Have - Day 216
• Day 10 - Kids React - Pt.1
• 195. The Righteousness of Evil
• Day 109 - Hello From The Summit of Mount Stupid!
• mIrror, mIrror of the mInd...: DAY 216
• 196. The Elitist Evil behind Relationships

Day 159: Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of - Part 2

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Day 129: Please Molest me, Give me a Reason to Live.

Today I had a visit from a friend of a friend, a fiscal advisor that lives in my building and that had told me he was interested in sharing ideas about Natural Medicine.

As I showed him my house he made a few attempts to either hold me by my waist or over my shoulder, I simply slid out of every attempt but did not speak up, instead I moved into a famiiar physical uncomfortability, interesting that now the formal laguage is no longer a step men have to cross before they try to grab you, hey I can call you Madam and molest you, something that requires my updating in the customs of this Country, when I left 17 years ago, the language was the first pass they would have to make to step into informality before they would touch you.

Then when I held out my hand to say bye bye, he grabbed me pulled me toward him and planted a kiss on my cheek, a sleazy one, my body went into rigor mortis and so he apologized and told me you are wonderful and left. How to con one's way out with a con-pliment ? When he left I felt this rage, I was so angry at myself as I saw myself not saying clearly 'what are you meaning with this behavior, or something else' right, I did not say anything because I don't know what to say. I have been molested since I was a kid, either grabbed on buses and rubbed against, walked in the park when an exhibitionist wanked himself looking at me and gesturing to go over there, yeah right, for one year when I was between 13 and 14 I had more molestation than I can recall, the bus was a place I entered fearing that it would happen again, as soon as it would fill up someone would come and rub against my ass, when I went and complained to my mother she said 'isn't it strange that it only happens to you?". The year before I was molested in my bedroom by our family friend, a monk who used to stay overnight that told me to go to his bed for a Confession.

I don't remember even starting the Confession rite, I remember instead him being horny and grabbing me to  try to put his hands under my nightie and forcing a kiss on my mouth until I stood up and went and locked myself into the bathroom, sat on the bathtub to think what would be the best course of action, waking up my mother was a nono, what if she blamed me ? She didn't that time, the Monk robe was flying out of the window by the time I reached the courtyard, but that was extreme. My mother saw the other molestations as my fault, I did not wear make up or high heels, never wore a skirt, just jeans and shirts, so how was that my fault exactly. yet  believed I must be doing something wrong, no matter what  tried, no eye contact, standing against the bus sides, nothing worked, when we could queue to get off, here they were, I noticed that most of them had blue eyes, tried the molester profiling in my head but you would always get the surprise to throw you off, the monk had brown eyes, he was a family friend since my birth, he was really difficult to profile and to be on guard about.

Today I felt the same way, violated, a thing and not a person, when this man later called me to tell me he did not have my mobile and how could he send me his number I gave it to him, while my anger at myself worsened, WHY the fuck would I give my number to this man, isnt' there a line to draw regarding the Politeness Belief System? Apparently NOT, I listened to his speech about how great it was to meet me, realized he had not picked up enough on my body rigidity and pulling back, when he said what a fantastic time he had and how I was this and that, but in fact I wasn't Hearing anything as I was seething with this feeling of 'how did you dare?' And as soon as I saw the chance I said 'and I am someone who doesn't want any story'.

What a fucking lame line? To which he said 'no, not a story that is heavy stuff, coffee, chatting, as friends'  which means no commitment just fucking, haha my own line backfired and pushed me into a corner, well done. Yet the point of the litanies and fairy tales of past molester staid with me, this sense of hatred that I have suppressed for men due to how I perceived myself everytime one of these events would take place, feelings of powerlessness, fear, no man is a safe place in fact, there are no borders they won't cross, it happened with one of my mum's partners as well, twice, the first time I did not tell, the second I did. My mum asked me to leave her house as she said that 'I was jealous of her sexuality', I was 18 and had a boyfriend and plenty chances for fucking, and No, she is Not a comedian.

That was the only time I spoke up in the moment, both the first and the second time.

So what is it about women and Molestation that makes us keep quiet, that we don't want to offend, that we fear we may be judged as 'sour puss" or 'wooden cunts' as they say in Italy, how did we come to this place where it is Women who have to justify everything, from molestation to Rape, to being attacked and abused, what is it that locks us into this perverse dance with the abusers?

Today I am angry, I am angry for all the times I have not stood up to a man and told him to keep his hands to himself, clearly, no double entendre to sweeten the pill, just the clear communication that I don't like what you are doing, so why are these words lacking from my vocabulary?

In all my history of molestation apart from my mum's partner, but that may have been coerced out of me due to the 'family tie', I stood up only once for a little girl on the bus when I saw a man approaching her and touching her, I saw it from her face, she said nothing but I told her to come and sit next to me, I gave him the evil eye and he got off at the next stop, for the rest I always went for the 'soft approch' when it happened on crowded buses I would try to slide away, leaving the molester to look for another victim, with the monk I got up and locked myself into the bathroom, with friends, colleagues wankers anyone, I have always and only diverted my attention and tried to 'make them understand' that I was not interested, choose words to blame me, sorry I am going through a difficult time, it's not about you it's about me, so I would not hurt their feelings through a rejection, because hei, even molesters have feeings, shouldn't we keep that into account?

Actually NO, we should stop considering their feelings AT ALL and stand up, make it CLEAR that handling women as if they were just things there for the handling is Not Acceptable, that molesting children is Not Acceptable because whatever is going on in Your fucking Mind You/We have got to deal with it, take responsibility for it, and not go out and just play out on others The Demons that we have let loose within our Minds.

Do you have the desire to molest women, to rub on them, to grab them against their will, to rape them?

Help yourself to STOP, We don't like it, it is your fucking fantasy that We do, reality is not a Porn movie, when you grab a woman against her will she will not turn around and Moan to show you how much she likes it or how long she has been waiting for you as her reason to live, she will instead feel violated, disrespected as a Human being and then angry at Herself for not having stood up and told you clearly that it is Not OK unless it is by mutual agreement and that silence doesn't mean agreement in any way whatsoever, and that what you are doing is not Sexy, you are just a DickHead putting your desire for sex above the understanding that unless is Mutual it's by default a NO and not, ever ever, a YES.

Self forgiveness and Self Commitment to stop this Play out in My Life to follow tomorrow

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