Day 153: I'm not 'That Kind of Woman' - Character

So, part of my annoyance with the point I wrote about yesterday brought forward his Character, the "I'm not That Kind of Woman' Character.

It is a preposterous statement from someone who has been All kind of Women and is a Character that doesn't have a clear idea of what kind of woman I am not, according to the occasion I'm just Not "That Kind of Woman" that someone is showing to not like/prefer/ admire or want to count among their friends, there, I am not THAT one, I am the Other One, the one that is liked, preferred, admired and wanted among your friends.

As we walk looking at the Characters we created it's amazing how we can keep up the act, oh wait, we can't, this is why we are going mental, suffer from depression, find all possible alternative therapies to cure the existential dis-ease that we have, our personality dis-orders, in which we lose the ability to manage the crowd in an orderly manner, like an Orchestra Director having to deal with musicians who have lost the plot and are now attempting to blow into violins or drum on trumpets, really, how long can we keep up the act?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the expression 'that kind of woman' with a negative charge, based on how I perceived the expression 'those kind of women' charged by the people who used it to diminish other women and ostracize them as 'not belonging to our group', when I was a child and later on in my teen years

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I'm not that kind of woman' even though I am not even clear about what kind of woman I am not, having failed to notice that if I were not 'that' kind of woman as all the woman kinds I have listed as not 'being like that' I wouldn't even exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not be 'that kind of woman' as in the woman that I perceive is not liked, appreciated, desired, admired and thought well of by others, failing to see that I exist as if the opinion others have over me is more important than just being me, here in and as self expression within the simplicity of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than 'that kind of woman' not better identified but some kind of woman that I perceive is under criticism in a moment and to which I don't want to be associated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'I am not that kind of woman' as the kind that seduces a man who is younger, like a cougar, according to the new disparaging definition of 'such a woman', when in fact in my life I have been that kind of woman having lovers 20 years younger than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uppity and self righteous when I fear that someone might have made up their mind about me as being 'that kind of woman' and for wanting to prove them wrong because if I can prove them wrong I won't have to experience myself as 'that kind of woman' as a negative judgement in diminishment and shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I become 'that kind of woman' in someone's mind is a problem, when 'that kind of woman' is only defined by me within my mind which means I am having a problem with me and not with the judgement of another, as I am only making up the judgement of another in my mind as I project a situation about myself and 'that kind of woman' as a woman that is -hopefully- less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file the definition of 'that kind of woman' as negative as in no good and I don't want to be or be thought or judged as a woman that is no good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being called 'that kind of woman' even if just in the mind of someone around me and for trying to prove that I am NOT 'that kind of woman, doing things that make me feel ridiculous and pathetic as I battle with the imaginary dragons and phoenixes in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the expression 'that kind of woman' to diminish another woman in my own eyes and the eyes of others and rule out any competition that could lead me to lose out in comparison to their beauty and or attractiveness or a point within which I perceived myself as 'inferior' to them, that now includes youth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the world in this kind of women and 'that kind of women' leaving the category of those kind of women always open for updates and corrections to suit my perceived inferiorities so I could come out the winner in my imaginary competitions of and as the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when resorting to the thought I am not 'that kind of woman' because to not be that kind of woman I first had to participate in a judgement about 'what kind of woman that woman was' and then separate myself from the judgement I made as me being better than that Kind of woman, instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I have been all kind of women at all times and I stand Equal to every Woman that I have ever met or will ever meet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that when someone dislikes me or takes a distance from me, there is something wrong with me and he must have associated me with 'that kind of woman' which I desire to not be just because I don't want to experience the rejection and the judgement that is usually reserved for 'that kind of woman' to now be linked to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR to be 'that kind of woman', as the woman who is judged and pushed on the side of society because she is not fit to be part of the 'creme de la creme' because she is 'that kind of woman', the kind whose judgement we leave open and undefined to fit all possible situations and find a replacement and a walk in to any potential rejection

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected by others, instead of seeing and realizing that I have always and only feared my own rejection based on my own self judgement of myself as someone that in a specific moment stepped out of a line of acceptable behaviour and into the realm of 'that kind of woman' who took it on herself to now be ostracized and pushed out of the group

When and as I see myself desiring to use the expression 'that kind f woman' or thinking about the expression 'that kind of woman', I stop, Breathe, I ask myself what 'kind of woman' am I thinking or desiring to speak about as a way to not be associated with what I fear to be me, or have judged to be me and then I commit myself to write out the point to release myself from my own self judgements and fears regarding being rejected or pushed out of a group

I commit myself to investigate my fear of rejection and to flag myself to see when I step into the desire to separate myself from other women through the expression 'that kind of woman', so I can correct myself to stand as any kind of woman anytime beyond my self judgement based on morality and cultural beliefs that I may still harbour within and as me

I commit myself to no longer participate in and as the Character that says/thinks about other women as 'that kind of woman' as that is a point of separation that is not best for me or best for all and within this I commit myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All deleting this Character once and for All 

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Day 138: I am NOT a Dirty Lousy Kid, I am ALL The Dirty Lousy Children of The World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I feared other children while I always only feared the experience of me when around strangers and people for which I had not yet developed a fitting Character/personality to interact through and as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear interacting with other kids that I did not know because I accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to them and feared to be a loser by comparison

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the winner/loser construct as a kid, in which I desired to win by comparison, because losing felt awful and I feared my own acceptance and allowance of the definition of me as a 'loser' and the emotions and feelings to match I would have to live with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself yesterday, when listening to a father telling me that his son at 4 years old told him 'he was a loser' to react with a feeling of dismay and the thought that we are fucked, if at 4 years old now we are already self defined as 'losers' by and through our life experiences that are becoming more and more competitive as the system assures that only a few get through the net of becoming well adjusted and provided for, while the rest of the world, by their own acceptance and allowance through comparison and competition, defined themselves as 'worthy and deserving' to starve, just as planned

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that what I reacted to was the memory of me judging and defining myself as a 'dirty lousy kid' and as such as a loser compared to the kids that did not happen to have lice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the words dirty and lousy to the Rom kids who lived in caravans with their families and were always pointed at as 'the dirty lousy kids' we should fear and as such when I defined myself as a dirty lousy kid, I started to fear myself even further

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the thoughts that came up inside of me toward other kids when I felt cornered into a situation of shame that I could not deny or brush off, such as having found myself standing in the courtyard with a group of others 'dirty lousy kids', some of which were obviously visually dirty and lousy, but by association through lice I became 'dirty and lousy' too, and then I moved into blame seeking for faults in both the 'lousy dirty kids' for 'infecting me' and the 'non lousy dirty kids' attempting to even out my perception of me, which was self created and had no connection to reality at all, and for this I forgive myself, as lice is not the kids "fault" since thay are not taught about it until they get infected by it, but of a faulty system that doesn't care for Life enough to make sure that the sleeping quarters of kids that are ammassed to slip in unsanitary conditions due to Money/budget restrictions, are kept clean and lice free

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was more worthy that the Rom's dirty lousy kids because we had a roof over our head, and within this point starting my association with the Money System as a value/Worth system, seeing the ones who had less as the 'dirty lousy' people of existence which we were supposed to fear, because anyone having less would be desiring to have more and within a finite resource system they were a threat to me and my security and therefore to be feared and confined within their poverty, away from the possibility of taking from me what was mine by birthright

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that my own participation within the polarities of existence, of good and bad, right and wrong, positive and negative, supports this system as is, because there cannot be positive without the negative, or right without the wrong or good without bad, and that seeking the positive polarity of every experience of Life through the Money System, means someone will be left out in the cold and No solution will ever be possible until we give up our right for the good, the right and the positive of existence, to equalize ourselves to everything that exits as in our equalization polarities will cease to exist and we will from there be able to create and manifest what is best for All Life always

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was that moment of utter shame and disgust for myself when they found out I had lice and had to be confined until the cutting of the hair, as something that I perceived as a sacrifice of a part of me, a piece of me, had to be performed to be readmitted into the group, and then my amputated parts had to be burtn in public for everyone to see, that I had given up my dirtiness and lousiness to belong again and would they please take me back into the group, which was my secret desire that I did not manifest or spoke about as I assumed they had rejected me and would not admit me back having taken this episode as a pint of diminishment of myself and very 'Personal', instead I rejected them and isolated myself as I lived fearing facing their rejection now that I had been exposed as dirty and lousy too

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself in fear of rejection and having to face the experience of shame in relation to rejection, which are both self created within my sick mind, the potential rejection and the shame and yet I lived a life of isolation to not face this point for which I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the group approval is what makes Life worthy, and since I missed out on the Group approval anticipating their potential rejection, I was not worthy, same as the Rom Dirty Lousy kids, who were not worthy to come to our same schools because sometimes they wore no shoes and this was unacceptable as they did not comply to the demands of the system, failing to see that the system is demanding that we have money to comply to Rules and regulation to be considered acceptable, worthy and welcomed into the group and yet when Money is Not given to All Equally it is through this system of Inequality that we are creating the dirty lousy kids of the World and noone can stand above them since they are our very creation and the manifestation of abuse in every way and form won't stop, until WE STOP.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself in shame, wishing to be someone else, one of the kids who had not been found to be dirty and have lice, wishing to separate myself from myself, not wanting to be there to face that moment of utter shame without support, failing to see that I was looking for my own support that I did not yet know how to give to myself, because as kids we are not taught about the physical and breathing, but live within a system that passes on to kids the mental infirmity of its dwellers as fears as memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions, until kids are crippled and little copies of their parents and unable to support themselves just like the grown ups aren't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was angry at my mother for failing me, for allowing me to get lice by sending me to this fucking summer camps full of dirty and lousy kids to whom I wanted no association with whatsoever as I blamed them to be the source of my shame as I failed to see that only I could generate thoughts, emotions and feelings within myself that culminated in how I experienced myself and that blaming others for how I experienced myself, so I could , hopefully, shift the whole experience of me onto them was not the solution and that I would trap myself in feelings of hopelessness and uselessness until I stood up to own back the experiences of myself as Me and apply Self Correction to STP the experience of me as Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at me everytime I experienced shame and believed to be that shame as Who I Am and for projecting my anger onto others trying to make them responsible for how I experienced myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make others responsible for the experience of me, for what I accept and allow within myself within the desire to Not Take responsibility for Myself as that seemed impossible since I was blamed by other adults about the way they felt and so I joined into the game, like we all do, as we fail to STOP and OWN UP to our own experiences, stopping the blame and the self blame to just see what is in fact going on and where has this originated from, so within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application I can stop these experiences of me, to stop the past from manifesting inward and outward into this world that is mirroring back what we have accepted and allowed and ultimately BeLieved ourselves and the world to be, until it was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to own someone who would take care of me, for me, such as a boyfriend, a husband and when all else failed, employees, a maid, someone I could pay to do the dirty job of taking care of me, so I would not have to and I could cruise through Life just making money, making Money the objective of my existence to buy myself out of my Self responsibility as THIS is what we are currently using Money for, as our responsibilities are clearly shifted to the Miserable and the Poor who do not have access to the Money system as WE KEEP THEM THERE, as The slaves that will attend to our desire for the right, the positive and the good, living out the polarity we don't wish to live, exactly as Heaven did, leaving Humanity in the Hell of their own Creation, as above so below

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how my participation in and as 'benevolence' was always just a cover up, for my selfish desires to have it good for myself, uncaring about the rest of the World because the rest of the World is Not my responsibility, failing to see that I am a piece of the World manifested and I am Here and as such it must be my responsibility to STOP the existence of me as The Mind and return to the Physical in and as Breath, where Equality and Oneness already exists to show us what are we supposed to aim for, as a system of Equals, Equally supporting Each Other to walk out of the Mind, to restore dignity to Existence and Life as One Breathing Organism, united, indivisible, understanding that doing what is Best for All is best for Me, because any Lousy Dirty Kids in existence is ME and I can never be more than the lowest manifested part of this existence, until I STOP and stand for Life Equal and One.

I commit myself to investigate where and when I see that I separate myself from a physical manifestation within existence, to look for the source of my separation within my Mind, so I can Self Correct myself until I no longer exist in Fear as Separation from the Whole

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing memories of the past of my Life experience to determine who and what I am and what I can or cannot do as I walk to deconstruct myself all the way to nothingness because it's only on a clean slate that we will be able to rewrite a world as us that is Best for All in Equality and Oneness

I commit myself to stand for the kids of this existence every time I see an opportunity to interact with them to STOP myself as the indoctrination of New Life into a system of Abuse as Self Abuse, made of judgements, ideas and opinions that we keep passing on regardless of the fact that we are living the physical evidence that our knowledge and information is in fact flawed, or it would NOT have created a flawed world such as the One we live in

I commit myself to support myself as the physical, to keep stopping myself from going into the Mind, understanding that I am walking a process in which I have to be patient with myself and that I can see I have gained more space for myself as Breath during the day as I write myself out of all the bullshit of my existence that I believed to be 'Life" and that I must not allow discouragement as it took me a long time to automate myself into ready personalities and Characters that I can just step into so as to not have to in fact assess my participation in each and every moment of Breath, but I see that this awareness of ourselves in and as Breath is what is required for Change, as Change won't happen in and as The Mind, since the Mind is what we are living out into this utter disgrace, and to STOP the Mind we won't be able to THINK about how to STOP IT, but we will have to walk away from it, Breath by Breath as we correct ourselves on the Way Out, to bring about a World that is Best for All in Equality and Oneness in the Physical as Breath.

I committ myself to support myself to Change to stop my participation in and as the Mind, so that as I stand as the Self Correction of the inequality I have become, to allow another brick of the system to move back into and as the support of a New System that will support All Life Equally, as the Equal Money System, and to give up what I Self Honestly don't need to support this Change with Money, as I see, realize and understand that it would be foolish to believe that we can Change a Money System without Money or to not recognize that Money is the way through which we are voting this World in place, by our very own decision, acceptance and allowance of letting the System be ruled by a Free Market Economy, deciding that nothing but our desires should be shaping the World, and yet we fail to see that moving only towards our desires is leaving someone without their needs fulfilled as they starve homeless to bring into the World other Dirty Lousy Kids they cannot care for, for which we are All Responsible and One and Equal to, as we have to remind ourselves that since we are ONE, the Delusion that the lowest parts of Creation are separate from Us, it's just that, an Utter Ridiculous Delusion of Our Sick Divisive Mind.

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Day 88: The Rejected Character Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment

Follow up From Yesterday's Post

Memories of rejections and Myself stepping into this Rejection Character

My mum saying she did not love me at first sight

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my mum saying that she did not love me at first sight, allowing myself to feel diminished comparing myself to the children that I heard were loved at first sight, and within this sadness and diminishment I created enough energy to embody the Character as me, the Rejected as me, failing to see I was walking into a family Character and that I wanted to believe I was rejected so I would have a point of friction with my mother through which I could generate energy for myself as the Mind and that with time I have manipulated this memory, to make it more than just a point my mother shared to express herself about her not having immediately engaged 'The Mother' Character, yet I took it personally and turned myself into the experience of 'Rejection' that I created again and again to point out to myself that this was what I was accepting and allowing in and as myself and yet I missed the point and lived out my rejections in Full Character and for this I FORGIVE MYSELF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having Character was a good thing, that showed the determination of someone and how specific they were about Who They Were, failing to see it was just the expression of how well One pretended to be a specific Character everyone had subscribed to and approved of  and that 'having Character' didn't mean to Be Real

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of me of my mum saying that she had not loved me at first sight, that I have used to abuse myself within and as The Creation of the Rejected Character, so I could start Building some Characters into my Characters file to define myself by, so I could participate in this Character play with others in which I would uphold and confirm their Characters as long as they did the same for me and my Character and I commit myself to stop living a life of Characters to return Here in and as Breath to birth myself as Life in the Physical

My mum standing up for other kids against me

I forgive myself for, after having filed and imprinted the memory of myself as 'rejected' walking through life attempting to validate this memory as me seeking for experiences that I could manipulate into an idea of rejection so I would bring back the Rejected within me and feel victimised by external events and people and that I deserved better than the family I had, so I dreamed about Mary Poppins and when she would be flying to My Home, since it was clear (as I convinced myself) that I was an abused child that someone should take care of me, creating the premises for the Character of 'Someone Must Take care of me/Someone Must Save Me' that led to my Desire to believe in a saviour, in a God that was more powerful than Me to come and Save me, failing to see myself as the Creator of my experiences and the Characters I played out

I commit myself to delete this memory of me and let it go for good as I see and realize memories are not me as who I really am, but foundation blocks of Characters that I embody through memories that keep me in the past that I now let go, the Past is Over

My mum standing up for her boyfriend vs me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to file a memory of my mum standing up for her boyfriend instead than for me, when I can clearly recall beyond my own memory manipulation that both myself and her boyfriend competed for the attention and support of my mother, me as the Character of the beloved daughter and he as the Partner, pulling her every one way just to prove who among us was the most important, picking hideous points in opposition to each other to force my mother to make choices to confirm Who was most important between the two of us, proving that we never become adult as this was happening Equally between a child and an adult stuck into a child behaviour of tantrums for attention and validation as I myself am today, and for this I forgive myself and commit myself to stopping my energy tantrums.

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my mother standing up for her boyfriend only , when I can in fact remember that she tried to do a balancing act, but I only filed what I wanted to remember to validate my own Character of the Rejected One as the Victim of the situation so I could go into self pity and feel sorry for myself, creating imaginary energy credits for which I was owed something and within this setting up my own Energy investments, like equity funds, to be paid up later down the line by my debtors and for this I forgive myself and commit myself to stop my imaginary energy investments to bring myself back Here in and as Breath

My mum being angry at me and not talking to me for days

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file and imprint myself with the image of my mum not talking to me for days, which I then played out in bits and pieces into my relationship as I saw within this Character of Her a point of Self Righteousness I wanted for myself as that seemed to accumulate energy credits quite fast within the energy banking system and for this I forgive myself for having embodied Self Righteousness as me to accumulate Energy Credits for myself on my Imaginary Energy Stock Exchange.

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my mother not talking to me for days, seeing and realizing I have always and only filed what I wanted ,and seen what I wanted to be able to support and manage my own Characters and my existence as a Character within an Energy play

My mum telling me 'go and think about it' so I would have to investigate what I did or said to upset her and until I got it she would not talk to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file and imprint myself with this memory of my mum telling me 'go think about it' as a memory that proved that I was in fact 'rejected' in and at the moment she would say this, piling up moments such as this to confirm and validate the existence of myself as 'the Rejected' so I could justify my own reactions, emotions and feelings toward my mum that I wanted to hold on to, because they generated the friction I needed to exist as energy, proving I was never standing as the Solution as Breath but equally participating within the friction of our relationship and for this I forgive myself

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my mum telling me to 'go think about it' as I see she did what she believed was right and we just moved along and passed on the damaged Characters of ourselves to each other in a sting of delusions and stupidity loops, forgetting that everything that is Here is Self as Me and instead keeping on the facade of being many with many Opinions and Characters to satisfy to be able to infact always live in a state of constant friction to generate the energy that kept the show alive, instead of stepping off the stage to start to Breathe to realize I am Here, I Breathe

My grandfather not wanting to talk to me when I run away from home at 17 and came back one year later from Ireland

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file and imprint myself with the memory of my grandfather not talking to me because I ran away from Home and did not tell him or he would have stood in the way of my desire to just leave it all behind, and since he felt rejected as in not informed and not important he went on and played out the 'rejected one' that gets back through rejection as I myself did in my Life, pretending to not care when I believed and perceived I was, had been rejected or I was about to or in the vicinity of the possibility of being rejected and within this I forgive myself for playing the Rejected that Rejects Character as a pay back and squaring of the books of rejection, while I blamed others for what and how I experienced myself within my Rejection, never owning up to the point that whatever I experience within me as me is my responsibility and I can Stop it and correct it as myself through self honesty and self responsibility

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my grandfather who I perceived  rejected me for having been rejected and to see and realize that we have passed onto each other our diseased Characters and Role Playing of the Mind and that it is time to let go of the Past that if we carry will just loop us as Characters into the same life experiences, as Characters have a limited ability to create within Energy Plays, while stopping All Characters to become Equal to All Characters of the World will put an end to this game and bring us back Home to Equality and Oneness Here in and as Breath for Life and All of existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out again and again the Rejected Character, feeling and believing myself to be real as the Rejected Character when

when my boyfriend told me he was going back to his previous girlfriend

when my lover told me he was going back to his wife

when M. told me he was going back to his girlfriend and 2 children

when I Feared that my ex husband that regretted to have married me and wished he could reject me :) and when within this I forgive myself the fear of being rejected

when My ex husband did not come looking for me to take me back when I left home after 7 years of marriage

when My ex husband told me NO to sex or sleeping together because it would have 'complicated' things between us, when we were already separated one night that I was drunk and I made a fool of myself

when My best friend after I wrote a possessed letter to her and then tried to clumsily apologize  told me NO, basically, I no longer want you as my friend

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BeLieve that those situation were a proof that I was in fact rejected and they would not/could not be disputed, while I argued with myself for my own limitations as the 'Rejected Character', looking and making up clues in other people's behaviors in support of my Character which was a Family heirloom and should not be given away or disposed of easily, because it came with a Life of memories of its own to which I just added my load to give it More Life and make me into this Character, trapping myself into rejections timeloops until I stood up to see, the only one rejecting me was myself as I never embraced myself unconditionally but lived in and as the judgement of me as the Rejected/Rejectable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for perceiving I had been rejected and then  shame because it must have been my fault since people do not go rejecting people around over nothing, failing to see, I was just 'in Character' always looking for people breaking points so I could finally be 'rejected' when they had enough, so I could fulfill myself in and as the Rejected, which then became one of the foundations for my Rebel Character ad on and on from one delusional Character to the next

I commit myself to stop all self abuse related to my ideas and beliefs of rejections, seeing realizing and understanding that "I', as I stand in and as Breath, don't have ideas or opinions, they belong to my Characters and that when I am debating regarding ideas and opinions I am NOT Here, I am in Character proving that I exist since I have all these things to show for my existence as ideas, beliefs and opinions so I must be Real, instead of seeing it is BECAUSE I am NOT real that I have piled up this arsenal of memories, ideas and opinions to make 'me' up and then 'live me out' as I literally consume myself as I try to Breathe in between all this stage fights among Characters looking for their own 'Air Time' while I suffocate myself as I don't see that sharing Air Time with Characters leaves me Breathless, thus NOT HERE and that I must be the One getting AIR TIME, ALL OF IT, for myself as the Physical to stop my existence of self abuse as Energy and within this, I commit myself to Breath as Life for myself and What is Best for ALL as existence, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think within my Secret Mind:

Fuck off, I don't need YOU I will show YOU ,You will see, You will regret it, You will miss me , You will never see me again, You'll never have another woman like me 

and for speaking the words : That's It, I'm tired of this shit, I don't have to take this shit, I don't give a shit, See if I care, I won't look back, You will never see me again, 

as I showed my fake indifference while inside I was full of reactions for my own perception of having been 'rejected or being about or in the vicinity of being rejected, suppressing my reactions so I could look careless and cool while I readied myself to leave, taking my things, packing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and suppress the fear of being rejected and the embarrassment at believing I could be or had been rejected as this would lead me to anger and then Self Pity for having been 'wronged' because how could anyone dare to reject me as I tried to make myself feel superior while I felt inferior, because the one who is rejected is less than the one that rejects and for then turning into a rejector, in fact rejecting everything and everyone before they could reject or think about , rejecting me which would put me again through this emotional sequence, failing to see it was never THEM abusing me but always ME abusing myself in and as the Character of Rejection, a bastard heartless Role that I commit myself to leave behind for good.

When and as I see myself engaging or about to engage in thoughts that I have now laid out as belonging identifying and defining this Rejected Character, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am NOT this Character and I bring myself back Here in and as Breath, not giving in to the obvious power play that this Character offers me as the temptation of the Energy Game, but breathing myself back to Stability, supporting myself with The 4 Count Breath to no longer participate in and as the Character of The Rejected/Rejector

 I commit myself to stop playing the Rejected Character, I am NOT The Rejected Character nor any of the other Character I play that I commit myself to delete One by One until nothing of Me as Illusion and Deception Remains, for myself and what is best for All as Life as existence, Equal and One

Day 87: 'The Rejected' Character

Yesterday I received my first official rejection letter for a job I have applied for.

There could have been many reasons, no longer the age because I have removed the date of birth from my CV, could have been the money I asked, could have been that they had another person that was coming from their specific sector, many many reasons.

Instead I took it personally, I felt 'rejected'.

My mum called today to tell me a story of fights going on with her friends, they were all stories about rejection, how could they not be ?

I failed in the Supporting Character Role and was told to 'go and fuck off', I said 'you too mum'. There was no reactions on my side, just the disappointment that I failed to support the Character just to step into Character at the end, it was a fun relaxed mocking 'fuck off', yet I was back in Character.

The Rejection Character is a second hand Character (maybe a 10000 hand down, still fresh as New), it was passed on to me as a family memory, a memento of a Life that my mum lived as 'The Rejected' by her own mum, and then by her own dad and she ended up living with her grandmother, so To validate this memory and be able to live out this Character I sought my own rejection experiences to charge the memory, validate it and bring this Character alive as me.

I breathed life into it, as the God of my existence.

My first memory of rejection is the story that I was not loved immediately when I was born, this story did not match the story of the loving mothers who would give their life for their children, my mum did not, possibly she suffered post partum depression of which nothing was known at the time, yet, when I heard her the first time share this story with some of her friends I felt a wave of shame, then sadness and I wanted to go to my room and hide to hide the tears, I was not wanted, not loved as soon as she looked into my face, Rejected.

Since this memory was linked to a Character that had to live in and as me as part of my preprogramming, I still remember the memory of that moment, the shame and the anger as well that she would share this with her nothing friends, make them more them me, share this just to entertain them, to show how honest she was about herself, I felt hatred as well for my mum, a rightful hatred.

Interesting because when she would through the years bring up again and again the story of when she was a child and one day she run to her father to show him affection and love and he pushed her away and how much this damaged her, I would think 'Enough already, get over it, you were5 years old, 65 now, we are still talking about it'

Now I see that my irritation was at myself as I knew I myself treasured my own memories of Rejection as the fuel and lifeforce of my 'Rejected Character'.

My mum was always outspoken about her fear to be rejected she would ask 'let me in, I'm not the dog's daughter' when she would catch me and grandma in conversation.

I did not manifest this Character in the same way, my Fear of rejection was too big to be exposed, exposing this point would give others a weapon against me, they could always reject me if they knew what I felt and how damaged I perceived myself at every new rejection incident, so this Character is one of my Secret Characters, never spoken about and when spoken about would be to be denied, I had no fear of rejection, anyone could leave me any time, good riddance to them.

Everytime I would perceive a rejection I would physically tighten up and feel tearful, bringing back to me as me the memory of my First rejection and the emotions and feelings I filed with it.

Memories of rejections and Myself stepping into this Rejection Character

My mum saying she did not love me at first sight

My mum standing up for other kids against me

My mum standing up for her boyfriend vs me

My mum being angry at me and not talking to me for days

My mum telling me 'go and think about it' so I would have to investigate what I did or said to upset her and until I got it she would not talk to me

My grandfather not wanting to talk to me when I run away from home at 17 and came back one year later from Ireland

One of my boyfriend that told me he was going back to his previous girlfriend

When I was the mistress of a guy and he told me he was going back to his wife

When I had a fling with a guy who forgot to tell me he had two children with a girl and he went back to her after telling me he wanted to be with me

My ex husband that I feared regretted to have married me

My ex husband who did not come looking for me to take me back when I left home after 7 years of marriage

My ex husband who told me NO to sex or sleeping together because it would have 'complicated' things between us, when we were already separated one night that I was drunk and I made a fool of myself

My best friend after I wrote a possessed letter to her and then tried to clumsily apologize but she told me NO, basically, I no longer want you as my friend

I see I have actually fared pretty well in my loopholes of the Rejection Game :)

The Secret Thoughts of this Character

Fuck off
I don't need YOU
I will show YOU
You will see
You will regret it
You will miss me (this now comes up as the most pathetic)
You'll never have another woman like me

The words I would speak while in the Rejection Character

That's It
I'm tired of this shit
I don't have to take this shit
I don't give a shit
See if I care
I won't look back


Facial expression
Indfference

Body stance
Ready to leave
Taking my things, packing up

Emotions & Feelings
Embarrassment, Anger -suppressed-, feelings of inferiority/superiority, Righteousness, Self Pity, Fear


Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment Statements to Follow Tomorrow