Day 86: The 'I don't know what To Do' Character

As I read Journey to Life Blogs, Creation's Blogs and Heaven's Blogs, I see many points opening up and I go into wondering how am I going to take on all this Creation, because All of the Characters described I have been playing them too, not only, I have done the polarity ones as well of many of the statements that I read, yet this is another Character, my Doubting Thomas Character, doubting if I will ever make it, which is just a Matter of My decision, because Who is The One that decides?

So do I decide that I don't know if I will make it or do I decide that I will make it and so will everyone else, we'll make it, one self directive stand after another in Breath as One.

But one of the point that opened up quite clearly after reading Matti's Blog, Does God decide Who I am, and that has been festering under my skin for a couple of days is the 'I don't know what to do' Character.

When I looked for the picture to link to this point, I found books covers, we have actually written books to answer this question 'what to do when I don't know what to do', as the point had already become quite clear, I saw this as a confirmation of The extensive bullshit we live by and make a living on.

Because the way this point opened up was that I always know what I want to do, I just either a) don't want to do it, b) fear doing it, c) fear looking at my reasons for wanting or not wanting to do something due to my own self judgements about right and wrong that stands in the way to my Self Honesty as I rather be right and good than wrong and bad, so I always look for ways to make it all work for me, so I get to do what I want and look right and good.

Basically the times when I said "I don't know what to do', were the times when I have been unable to find the perfect working combination of all elements among my Characters, so that I could do what I wanted and look right and good, so what I was saying is, sorry, I have not found or created yet a Character that can make these 3 points work for me, so hang in there until I do, meanwhile I won't be Self Honest and just say what it is that I really want to do but will tell myself and others 'I don't know what to do', so I am not committing, while I expose my own self created imaginary confusion and who knows, I may get some points even out of not having rushed into a decision that is unpopular among my Characters who themselves get to vote about everything I want to do or think about doing, showing myself that I in fact live in a Dictatorship of my own Creation in my own Mind, where everything I think or better, I believe I think but only stem from memories I have filed that offer thoughts for me to ponder, is voted and weighted while as as the physical get no say in it simply because I accept the Dictatorship as Real and wait to be told who I am and what to do after the voting has taken place, while I suck myself dry out of Life and my chance to Live, until I stand and say STOP, enough is enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character that says "I don't know what to do' which is my stand by Character while voting takes place about what I should do, when I know what I want to do but I just don't have the guts to do it or I don't have the guts to look at why I don't have the guts to do it/not do it in fear that I will not like to discover I am living in a dictatorship of my own Creation and that I have never in fact had any say about my Life, until now

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the Character 'I don't know what to do' to step in as I removed myself from the Equation of having to make a decision having considered all party involved, assessed what is best for All to the best of my abilities, within the realization that All is Me and then walk it to completion no matter what

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the existence of a Character that says 'I don't know what to do' because if I keep this Character alive I will always have an excuse to not come clean about what I want to do and get out of my Life, and I can live my idle Life instead of my Ideal Life in which I deal as in I decide and then walk according to What is best for me and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear about making a decision, I stop, breathe, remind myself I know that I know what I want to do, so I stop, evaluate what I want to do and why, if what I want to do is motivated by a Character and its own agenda I take the opportunity to clear up the agenda and the Character that I came to uncover through looking at myself in intimacy and Self Honesty without judgements, and then reassess what I want to do in alignment with What is Best for All as I know I can see this clearly as well and negating that I can is just an excuse for NOT doing what I see would be best for me and best for All

When and as I see myself resisting or about to move into resistance regarding what I want to do and why, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that resistance shows me that a Character is at play and I push myself to see through this Character and its own agenda so I can become clear about what is standing in the way between me and doing what I want that is best for me and best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend that 'I don't know what to do' when the utterance of these words always makes me physically uncomfortable as I know that I know what I want to do and by saying 'I don't know what to do' I feel dishonest and separated from myself as in not knowing myself, not wanting to know myself, so I commit myself to stop pretending that I don't know what to do and look at what I know that I want to do and why so I can come to know myself and what is driving me instead of me driving me as the Self  Directive principle of Myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed when I said 'I don't know what to do' in my Life, because knowing that I did know what I wanted to do, and disowning myself in Self Honesty due to the judgements I held about good and bad, right and wrong, I ended up stating that what I wanted to do and live was shameful and that I should feel guilty about it, instead of investigating the origin of my desires and wants without judgements so I could release myself from being puppettered around by Energy standing in the way of myself becoming the Self Directive Principle of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say "I know what I want to do' and then lie about what I REALLY wanted to do, putting forth an acceptable decision that I identified would match the expectations of the Character/s I was facing and of whom I desired the approval and respect, lying about myself and what I wanted so that I could be approved and accepted and not challenged as a Character that did not fit into the expectation of others of how my Character should behave and what wants and desires should hold

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there was ever a time in my life in which I did not know what to do, for example when I did not divorce my ex husband after 6 months when I realized that Our relationship was based on constant total friction that we were both unable to resolve, instead I said I did not know what to do, while I meant I did not know where to go if I left while I was alone in Singapore without a work permit, while I knew that I wanted to leave because I could see no resolution at the time between us for who we were as Characters in our relationship, yet I stayed and told myself that I knew I stayed because I loved him, which was total bullshit as I knew I staid because I was too afraid to leave and not be able to support myself but I did not have the guts to say this except when we fought and then I would say it to hurt him and then take it back to get a chance to stay, all the while proving to myself that the decision to leave would have been the best for both but I did not have the guts to do it, and within this I forgive myself for having not made decisions in my life that I saw and knew would have been necessary out of fear of Survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed that even when I saw that my embodying the 'I don't know what to do Character' was causing harm to myself and others, I still did not have the guts to walk a decision I had already made but ended up living the decision in my backchat so I staid but in reality I left after 6 months turning my relationship into a lie and a farce just because I did not want the responsibility of making this decision and walk it whatever it took for the sake of what was best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say "I don't know what to do' regarding my pot use, which was ludicrous because I absolutely knew what to do, which would have been to stop it, on the spot, to quit that damaging self abusive habit forever, yet I did not want to as I felt unstable and a walking mine in a minefield of my own creation and I feared I would not be there for myself to support myself and so I was not willing to give up Pot no matter how clear it was to me what would have been the best thing to do for myself and others as equals, but I could wear my 'I don't know what to do' Character and keep going until I drove myself and others almost insane, and within this I forgive myself for what I have done to myself and others while using Pot as an excuse for not taking responsibility for my behavior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'I don't know what to do' regarding how to get a job now or settle myself back into the world system, when I do know what to do as I have proved to myself in the past few days when I did start to look consistently and send proper CVs out and evaluating business opportunities that I could engage into if I don't get a job and so I see that my 'I don't know what to do' Character is a cover up for when I am perceiving myself as not able to stand in and as a decision that I know needs to be made as I can clearly see that the way I live is not effective and not what is best for me or best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I let go of the 'I don't know what to do Character' then I will have to expose myself as one that knows What to do at All times and that implies having to become Self responsible at all times for the decisions I make or not make as what I have in fact decided to do or not do and within this I forgive myself for fearing the self responsibility that comes with the decisions I make or not make

I commit myself to stop my existence as the 'I don't know what to do' Character, as I see realize and understand that I do know what to do and when I believe I don't I am trying to fool myself and I can stop, breathe, sit down and write out the points of the decision to make, see if I am considering all points, make the decision that is best for all and then walk my decision to completion

I commit myself to stop my existence as the guilt and the shame for having embodied the 'I don't know what to do' Character, denying the existence of Me as a Self Directive principle and my ability to make decisions that consider what is best for me and what is best for All, and commit myself to stand as the Self Directive principle of My Decisions for myself as Life and All of existence Equal and One.