This is a continuation to my previous Post
Don't Call My name In Vain - Link at the Bottom
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a child, record inside myself my name associated with Fear when a certain tone, tonality was applied to it, and for then accept and allow myself to move into automatic Fear whenever someone would use the same tone, tonality, as in stressing the 'o' in the middle of my name and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I had accepted and allowed myself to turn my name into a Fear Trigger
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, fear that my name would be called out by authority figures, having associated the fear I felt when my name was called in a certain way by authority figures and the power that I believed they held over me and that they would exercise by first calling my name out and then, once I would be in the grips of fear, administer their authoritarian behavior which left me feeling diminished and powerless because they held the power to call my name out and activate the experience of fear within me, and within this I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that any internal experience of myself is self created and has nothing to do with any one 'outside' of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as diminished when authority figure or adults (which were authority figure when I was a kid) would call my name out as I moved into the negative anticipations of the events to come, having associated my name being called out with emphasis on the middle 'o' as the warning of troubles to come that I would not be able to escape
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my name to the fear of people finding out that there were 2 'o's inside of it, a sign of masculinity that could not be hidden to anyone who came like me from a gender based language and for feeling I had to make up for that lack of femininity in my name, with an extra feminine personality so as to never have my femininity doubted due to my name containing two masculine vowels
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear short hair and bald heads because there is just so much masculinity I can pull out without being defined a 'male' and that was invested into my name into a delicate balancing act that would not allow for any other 'male' behavior such as short hair or bald heads and for defining myself as a female within the required parameters of this society I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when people mentioned my name with a specific stress on the 'o' vowels, they meant that I was not feminine, that there was something faulty and wrong with me because as a female I should have had a name with feminine vowels and so every time my name was spoken with emphasis on the 'o's I would feel mocked and move into defense mode as I had to defend my femininity against my name, which by the way, every time I moved into this state of tension, thoughts about my mother and what the fuck she was thinking would come up and I would blame her for the experience of myself within my name and for this I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my name spoken with a certain tone/intonation as a threat and for moving automatically into a defensive stance instead of seeing and realizing I had accepted and allowed myself to associate my name to specific tones/intonations that I would then take as an attack and to which I responded as an attack in retaliation for what I experienced inside myself that was just self created
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the desire that friends and family would cut my name short, to cut away the shameful part of it, so I wouldn't have to face this automatic response that I held within me, as me, as fear about my name where I perceived the 'o's were spoken as a weapon used against my femininity that would put me into a situation of distancing myself from others that insisted in speaking or writing my full name instead of one of my nicknames, with which I was comfortable in and as, and for participating in the emotion of shame in connection to my name I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions connected to my name and for failing to see that all reactions I experienced in connection to my name where in fact self created and could be self corrected through a process of writing in which I decide that I cannot be defined by my name, that it is just a name for practical living purposes on this planet and nothing more/nothing less
I commit myself to, when and as my name is spoken in full, to stop and breathe, make sure I am or have not moved into fear as an automated reaction to a tone or tonality and I commit myself to bring myself back into the physical through breathing to dispel any reaction, should they occur, before I respond in any way whatsover
I commit myself to, when and as I hear my name spoken with emphasis on the 'o', to stop, breathe, realize that if a reaction comes up that makes me feel threatened for my femininity, it just means I need to further investigate this point until no reaction as fear of not being feminine comes up in relation to my name
I commit myself to, when and as I hear or see my whole name in writing, breathe, so I won't move into an automatic reaction of distancing myself and clamping up as I perceive the other being approaching me within a frame of intentional doing on purpose what I dislike, such as using my full name, instead I remind myself that it is my responsibility to clear all energetic attachments to my name so no reaction will be triggered ever again when my name is spoken or written out in full
I commit myself to welcome the speaking and writing of my full name to check if and where there are still reactions of fear or automated behavior that I can self correct so I can stand stable and not access my Name Character in self defense and retaliation
I commit myself to accept the simplicity of the point that a name is just a name, that doesn't make me less or more than anyone else, but a practical way to be able to communicate with others and operate within this physical reality.
