Day 79: "Fuck It' Self Forgiveness Statements

Thoughts connected to this Character

You only live Once

Might just as well

Who cares

Enough is enough

Sometimes you have just go to....

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down (Mary Poppins)

Forget about it

Moving on

Feelings and Emotions

Sadness, Joy, Anxiety, Longing for something, Fear

Identified Circumstances for activation

Sense of Defeat, Desire for a Reward not received, Perception of Uselessness/Hopelessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character whose password is 'Fuck it' to underline that nothing that comes after " Fuck It" should be anything for which I should concerned myself or be responsible for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and BeLieve that 'You Only live Once' as a way to justify why 'Fuck It' should be the next thing I say and then get on board 'Fuck It' for the next senseless ride

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I 'Might just as well" enter the "Fuck It" Character because I have accepted and allowed myself to embody Hopelessness and Uselessness and from there I might just as well follow up with a Useless, Hopeless Character such as 'Fuck It'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Uselessness and Hopelessness are who I have been and who I am within my interpretation of 'Fuck it' and just before entering the 'Fuck It' character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned regarding the perceived judgements of others that I then would fear and lie about saying 'Who Cares' and from the friction between my feelings of Fear and my desired suppression an opportunity to board 'Fuck It' opens up, instead of seeing and realizing it is always me judging myself and as I have started the judgements within my 'Judge' character I can stop them stepping out of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe and speak 'enough is enough' and within this meaning to Blame on others and external circumstances my own experience of myself and within this Blame feel the entitlement of boarding and embodying 'Fuck It' as a way to get even with the ones who  I perceived have pushed the 'enough' line without seeing and realizing there is only me doing the job in my own Mind and having all of the responsibility for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that 'sometimes you have just got to ........" in which the blanks are usually filled with something damaging or toxic that I do to myself stepping into my 'Fuck it' Character, because within this sentence what I am actually stating is that I have no power to actually NOT do 'that thing I do' which is entering and embodying 'Fuck It' and the string of consequences I will create for myself and others because 'I have just go to'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold Mary Poppins as a role model of everything I wished to have had in my Life, a flying nanny who would take care of me and my emotional needs, showing my parents that it was time for them to learn how to fly kytes with me and not be so concerned with working all the time leaving me behind and not even providing the perfect nanny that would look after me and take me to walk on the smoke of Chimneys into magical sunsets, justifying that I had it harder that the Banks family and their loving nanny and I was thus justifyed to say 'Fuck it' once in a while and claim back my fun, never realizing the fun I was after was system fun, in which something had to be bought for me to have the experience I was seeking as in booze or dope or shopping or sex, which was a form of shopping that I paid for with myself as energy as the price/prize for that moment of experience that I would then call and define as a Life worth living, implying that I am just worthy when I am Energy and the ups and downs of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe 'that a spoonful of sugar makes anything go down' and for then substituting the sugar with anything that seemed whatever I was trying to push down to infact go down, deeper into my Flesh, so that I would not notice that I was infact making myself one and equal to everything I have used a spoonful of sugar to not face and address, sweetening the truth of who and what I believe myself to be, which was How I experienced myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Sugar as a way to sweeten a Life I perceived and labeled as Bitter, for which I saw no sense at All but to look for those spoonfuls of sugar here and there to make what I perceived and believed Life to be, bearable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and label Life as unbearable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love Walt Disney and everything he did to make us dream and remove us from this reality of suffering and horrors, until I went on a rampage of digging for the truth of everything and discovered he molested children and had set up a space under Disney world where children were trained to become sex slaves while his fantasy world was becoming more and more Sexualized, failing to see Disney was the ultimate reality check for landing as that reality of fantasy could not be above and beyond the reality of ourselves which we are walking as manifested consequences of our desire for More than me and desire for More than Here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the justification of the Demonic nature of this world as an excuse for my 'FuckItAll' embodiment, because suddenly everything seemed just too big, the Demons had taken over even Disney and what's next then, instead of seeing I am the Demon of my own existence and we should have seen it coming because we could not have the Angels without the Demons and that realizing the nature of Polarity of Reality did not need a "FuckItAll' Character, because that had already taken place and brought us Here, but the opposite, a movement into Self Responsibility to stop any and every participation in and as The Mind in which everything has become justifyed in our insane search for the next energy surge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everything is Energy and the physical is transient and so 'Fuck It' could coexist within this belief, because one day I will leave the body I have been abusing behind and move to Higher Planes, free from the limitations of the Physical, failing to see that as in the Physical wherever I went I would take the whole of me with it and having equated myself to Abuse that would not make for a pretty follow up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself within the 'Fuck It' personality/Character, thinking and believing I had the right to abuse myself as I was not damaging anyone else but me, failing to see that whatever I did to me I did to the Whole, as Oneness and Equality exists in the Physical and can be seen all around and that me stopping my existence as Self Abuse as 'Fuck It' is an act of sanity that stops my participation within and as the insanity that I/We have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that when I access sadness, I am in Character as the 'Sadness/Sad' character and that I usually move into sadness as a way to justify my next move which can be 'Fuck It' because now I am sad and I will do anything on my swing of emotions and feelings to just move on the higher scale from the low end that is sadness in which I myself have put myself as a form of self manipulation to lay the ground to justify why I need that something that I want, to move myself out of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and see 'Fuck It' as a reward Character, failing to see that Re-Warding is what it is, it's putting myself back into the Insanity Ward from which I will have to pick myself up yet again when I am done swinging and have done enough damage/self abuse to see that I cannot go on 'that way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use joy/ happiness as a way to access 'Fuck It' because I have been sooo good that now I am happy/joyful and from there to 'Fuck It' the step is short and sweet as I claim my Re-Ward for a job well done, that of securing an energy high for myself against al odds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use 'Fuck it' as a way to get over my anxiety issues, failing to see there was only me in my Mind that could put myself into a state of anxiety and I can stop as I have started it, by Breathing and investigating what is going on within me that I can address to correct my participation in and as the Mind that generates feelings of anxiety, instead of boarding the 'Merry-go'Round' of 'Fuck It' because there is Merry there but there is 'Go ROUND' as well as I always land where I started or lower and 'Fuck It' has proved to NOT be able to address or resolve any issue in my Life so far

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and recognize Fear for what it is, which is a make belief emotion that I myself generate when I set for myself expectations that I do not meet or project myself into a possible future of doom and gloom, such as I am doing at the moment with my job point, which is self created and can be corrected if I keep applying myself, writing out what is it that bothers me so I can consistently stop my back chats and bring myself back Here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Fear is Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'long for something' and for trying and attempting to suppress all my longings, hoping they would go away, so I do not have to look at what it is that I long for and why and remind myself I am longing for Myself Here, instead by suppressing I make the longing grow fonder and stronger and then in a disappearing act I don't remember what is it that I am longing for and I leave myself with an unidentified longing for "something" and then I access 'Fuck It' so the longing stops as I dumb/numb myself down until the next awakening into the damages and consequences of having, once again. boarded 'Fuck It' into my trip to nothingness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Uselessness and Hopelessness are real, which they cannot be, because Hopelessness is the lack of Hope, which is a Make-belief Construct, that I can suffer only if I have invested and valued Hope as something that is useful and could ultimately rescue me from myself, which is NOT, and Uselessness is just another make Belief, a state I access when I have not usefully managed to get what I wanted which I myself had a script for that I had not disclosed to myself as secrets are my way to keep it all Mysterious and Interesting, instead of stopping All and every Bullshit I create for myself in terms of desires and expectations and just bring myself back Here consistently to address myself and my Creation back into correction and alignment to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in my own 'sense of defeat' because to be defeated I must have set myself up against something, which at best is against myself, instead of stopping all 'against' so that defeat can not take place as I equalize myself to everyone and existence, for myself as Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that whatever I do has to be rewarded, because I have embraced the Reward system of consumerism, in which if I study what they want to teach me I get rewarded with 'good' grades, and if I work and accept the system as it is I get rewarded with Money, and if I accept my role as a woman and keep my place I get rewarded with a relationship and so I believe that everything I do has to be followed by a Reward in the form of an experience of 'Feeling Good' about myself and who I am within what I have done and when the reward of feeling Good doesn't come, since I myself have decided I am entitled to it, I will seek for my own Reward and get on with the 'FuckItAll' Character, that always Re-Wards me into Feeling Good about myself through whatever it is I have filed as 'rewards' that can be Food, drinking, smoking Pot or having Sex, or all of the above, failing to see I am just abusing myself within the Belief that I am infact Not Enough unless I validate myself and my existence through an experience of Energy I have come to accept and allow myself to believe to be Who I Am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce and diminish myself to an experience of Energy, Seeking for the More of Me and the More of Here, creating this world within the starting point of Separation and the longing for the Moreness of Me and the Moreness of here, failing to see I was always Here as All There Is and there is in fact nothing More I can be or make of myself but lessen myself and diminish myself within the belief that the All/Whole of ME was in fact Not Enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was/I am NOT Enough and for seeking the experience of More, which led to where we are today, within the Moreness of Nothing, because as I sought the Moreness of Me I became a Character longing and seeking for More and from that Character separated from Me as the Whole and All There Is, I created other Characters who themselves were flawed with the Not Enough/Seeking for More that we translated into Sex and Money and a System of looking and longing for Moreness, from which we have to wake up and Claim our Wholeness of Self as Here, stopping the looking and longing of ourselves as Characters within a make belief reality of Energy to come Home to Self Here as All/Whole that Exists

When and as I see myself stepping into one of the con-ditions I have described as my excuse to activate me as 'Fuck It', I stop, Breathe, remind myself that any con-dition is Self Created and I can Stop It and do not allow myself to walk into and as 'Fuck It' reminding myself nothing of value has ever come from me embodying this Character for myself or others Equal and One, and apply Breathe to stabilize myself out of the CON to not give in to 'Fuck It'

I commit myself to walk myself out of 'Fuck It' consistently, to bring myself back Here using The 4 counts Breath when and as I see myself walking into the possibility and set ups that lead me automatically into 'Fuck It' and to stop my existence as a reactive robot that creates automatic stances I can step into as a way to not take responsibility for myself and my thoughts, words and deeds, but to become a Self Responsible Human Being that cares for myself and others as Life, for myself and All of Existence Equal and One.

Day 78: 'Fuck it', My favourite Character

It's been a bit challenging to contain the outflow of the new thoughts regarding this 'Character' perspective, it seems a bit daunting as well having to face all of the thoughts as Characters.

But then I saw that we have been given a lead with the Character perspective, a way to use Characters to pull together thoughts  under specific Character Umbrella, as Characters are the Corporations managing our Relationships and resources as Energy.

Some of this work was outlined a long time ago by Assagioli, an Italian M.D. who wrote the Theory of Psychosynthesis and of the Subpersonalities/Characters.
At the time no one had a fleeting clue about how it would be possible to delete subpersonalities/Characters, so Dr. Assaggioli offered 'Character management' Theories, designed to establish how much 'Air Time' should each Character/Personality get during the day and when, as to not mine the smooth flow of an apparently normal life.

Of course this was impossible, no matter how much one committed to become a good Orchestra Director and manage all of the instruments toward a symphony, some players would just step out of line,  sing out of tune in and at their own leisure and just do their own little number when least expected.

Assaggioli tried to get the Soul to step in for help, which did not work either as the Soul, like all the rest, was ultimately unreliable, the Origin was unreliable, the Director/Soul was ultimately just another Character.

What has been created by unreliability could never turn into something reliable, not in a million years (oh wait, we have actually PROVEN this point, since we kept coming back again and again and we have not become any better at managing ourselves and our own Corporations as Characters/Personalities), in fact if there was space for it, we have proven that the fuck ups can be endless and the looping in circles can take unexpected twists and turns and ultimately deliver us back where we started, to ourselves as the Characters we kept hoping we could fool and move away from, once we decided we no longer liked one 'of us' or agreed with one of us/Me but no matter how far we went, everything and everyone came along, it's surprising how can we ever feel lonely given the Psychotic brigade we carry along, and maybe we would stop feeling Alone if we stood Here and took a good look at how many of Us, how many Mes are always really around.

The reason why I had a bit of excitement about this Character perspective is because I like organizing, one of my favorite things, I like filing as well, so now is to apply the opposite of filing, it is to pick up a label, a definition of myself, that can even be a thought and look underneath what is there, what keeps this thought, personality alive, where did it start, it's possible that if I get the label right, everything will be filed under it, linked to it, connected through threads of relationships of memories, emotions and feelings and I can use my own filing system to undo myselves, isn't what the Mind is after all, an organizing ensemble of thoughts, emotions and feelings that we call experiences and then we define the experiences and they became 'Our Life' and Who We are, until we stop it, stop the Illusion of Separation and the desire to be More within the search for the More of me and the More than Here, and just see, We were always Here from the very beginning, until and unless we were not.

So, I want to start this deconstructing exercise with 'Fuck it', I don't have a specific name for this Character of Mine but this would be the sentence that defines it the most.

Of the many characters of mine this is one of the Most devastating, it is the one the leads the dance to the Rock Bottoms of My Life, the Pied Piper that has defined Life specifically as the Desire for More of something, anything, as long as it's toxic, numbing, exciting or destructive.

The origin of this character is in my perception of uselessness and defeat, whenever I have faced one of these 2 points in my Life 'Fuck it' steps in and takes over with my blessing and permission.

'Fuck it' is Fearless, never wonders or evaluates consequences be them on my physical body or on my mental balance, 'Fuck It' likes it hard, 'Life' to the fullest, the extra drink, the most damaging Spirit, the joint that will make me faint, the sex that won't allow me to sit straight for a couple of days, 'Fuck it' is Brave and careless, when Fuck it steps in sadness goes out of the window, it's the stepping onto the roller coaster for that extra kick, the careless life, the breeze in the hair.

I don't have one good memory of Life after ''Fuck it', today as I was looking at this point I saw that Characters exist in duality as well, 'Fuck' it has an antagonist, it's 'That's It'.

'That's It' steps in after the ravaging of 'Fuck It' is over, to pick up the pieces, 'That's It' takes me out of the rock bottoms of my life, it's a responsible Character, not self responsible, there is no Self in any of the two, One is the Law Breaker, One is the Re-Aligner, both have the system as a guideline, I am nowhere to be seen whenever One of the two is active I am just not Here and mostly not even breathing in and as awareness.

'Fuck it' has had a lot of Air Time in my Life and is a Character I have treasured, the Happy-go-Lucky (to nowhere), the uplifter (from imaginary downs) and generally my Alter Ego, the One that I could always walk after and apologize for, because I was just too ..... whatever to be self responsible for my thoughts, words and deeds, it seems like a Shame to let it go, how will I hide my lack of self responsibility when 'Fuck it' won't be around anymore ?

Today 'Fuck It' showed up for some Air Time, I gave in, together we went on a carbo break and topped it with an ice cream, none of these foods is supportive to me as the physical especially in this moment, it's time to say goodbye and let this Character go, it's an abusive relationship turned sour.

'Fuck It'.

Thoughts connected to this Character

You only live Once

Might just as well

Who cares

Enough is enough

Sometimes you have just go to....

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down (Mary Poppins)

Forget about it

Moving on

Feelings and Emotions

Sadness, Joy, Anxiety, Longing for something, Fear

Identified Circumstances for activation

Sense of Defeat, Desire for a Reward not received, Perception of Uselessness/Hopelessness

Will write out the relative Self Forgiveness Tomorrow on the points I have exposed to myself.