Day 134: Gender Hatred - Self Forgiveness

Anaclasis – A Haunting Gospel of Malice & Hatred (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when I read that another woman has been attacked with acid throwing by her former lover

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel entitled to hate men that violate women because I am a woman and I have to stand by my 'gender'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and to say that some men should be hanged by their balls and left there to die, failing to see that I have been and still am participating and fueling the same gender hatred I blame men for, and that there is no difference in hatred just because one seems 'justified hatred' while the other doesn't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women are better than men because we do not go as low as such acts of violence and abuse as men seem capable of, instead of realizing both genders are a product of a sick society of fear and hatred and there is no difference but in the expression of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aways look for the points through which I can up a man to prove that I am better than them and would never go as low as they do with their expression of violence and hatred toward women, instead of realizing that desiring to diminish another to prove that I am better is an act of hatred and violence that has just not become physical yet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the toxicity we show to each other within relationships is who we really are and that it will never change because men are just basically bastards and they would do anything they can to put a woman down, instead of realizing I have done the same within my gender wars to make sure I would come out on top

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such relationships have a future as long as we hide and sugar coat the hatred for each other well enough, instead of seeing that we have to draw a line and STOP because we have gone as far as we could with gender hatred and it's time to put down the weapons, forgive the past and redefine how we want to relate to each other in a way that is supportive for who we are as life and as Honourable as the World we wish to see manifest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'men are stupid' because women can scheme and manipulate more efficiently than men, which could in fact be one of the very sources of the hatred men feel for us and then suppress as they get the manipulation point but not how we do it in the specific, which leaves them with a sense of frustration that bottled up leads to hatred and violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women are better than men because they don't throw acid on a man's face, instead of seeing and realizing that each gender hits the other through what we perceive is their assets, so as men try to take away women's beauty as their market value, women go for their money as their market value, they just go about it when possible 'the legal way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the hatred and the fear that I felt for men within my life because that would not be 'ladylike' to dig up and look at as denial for women was always recommended, instead of seeing that we are mirroring each others' hatred which is ultimately our self hatred for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become while seeking for friction to keep this demented 'Energetic' creation in place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that rape is a result of a society in which sex has become a weapon just like everything else we engage with, and that we need to address everything that we have accepted and allowed because this Creation is tainted and damaged by our self Hatred that is manifesting through every possible Mean, from sexual to physical to verbal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry when men blame women after they beat them or violate them seeking for excuses for the hatred that played out and they were not able to contain, instead of seeing that we blame men for the hatred that we feel for them and we do not manifest in the same ways

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that confining human expression to Genders leads to hatred for the expressions one believes to not have access to that belongs to the other gender and that one point we need to address is the self expression suppressed within our 'gender confinments' to allow any gender to express outside of our defined 'gender boundaries' to stop all suppressions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within gender hatred because it was easy to direct my self hatred on the 'opposite sex' as the perfect way to put a space between myself and my projected hatred and because men always seemed to give us so many good reasons for it that it was hard to resist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for the hatred that has been plaguing our genders in the relationship with each other because I perceived and defined men as the one having all the power, as in the Money/Survival power, instead of seeing and realizing that as I felt justified to hate them for the power I perceived they had, they felt justified to hate us for the power They perceived we have as the power to give birth to another life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that having split Us and Them into our different Perceived Powers within this World would lead to competition and comparison from which only one can come out as the Winner, and that to heal our relationships we have to stop competing and comparing what we have that they don't have and what they have that we don't have and instead accept our different expression as Life that doesn't make anyone of Us More or Less than another but just different in the Expression of Life that we Equally share

I commit myself to no longer react to news regarding this outbreak of violence against women as I work to equalize myself to men, outside of gender roles and preconceived gender based ideas, opinions and beliefs

I commit myself to stop my Gender hatred as I see realize and understand that it is not a Gender hatred but our Fears and self Hatred that we are manifesting on Each other that must be Healed and brought back to Self so we each can address the source as the thoughts that lead to the feelings and emotions that end up in expressions of violence and abuse

I commit myself to no longer support the Us and Them of this existence as it is not possible to be One if we cannot even overcome our perceived Gender Differences, and upholding a line to divide Men and Women is just an idea of separation within which we lose ourselves and forget that We are One and that anything that stands in the Way of the One as Self must be Healed and released, so we may come together as Life and What is best for All and return Home Here within the physical in the simplicity of Breath, for Ourselves and All of Existence, Equal and One

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Day 123: A Spoonful of Sugar

This would definitely be the Origin of my Hope Character.

The first time I saw the Mary Poppins movie I was a troubled kid. As I was becoming aware of the hidden conflicts and suppressions within the energetic interactions of my family, I experienced myself in a constant relentless state of tension. The documentary The Trap explains that much of those hidden energetic interactions are at the base of our Mental dis-eases as we realize that nothing is as it seems, the world is a big fat lie and yet we are asked to just step in our Role as as a Character and keep moving.

The point that someone somewhere could see troubled children all over the place and come to their rescue was a point I made mine, I was both troubled and all over the place so I definitely qualified.

When we went out of the Movie Theatre I remember feeling guilty as hell as I hang on to these Images in Hope that someone from somewhere would come to show my parents and my family The Way, how it was important to spend time with Children and to encourage their imagination.

I am not sure if I had 'Hope' before this movie, I do not recall Hope as being a big part of my Life as I was told that I was among the lucky kids, I had foods to choose from, I could even remove the fat from meat and ham as I was a fussy eater, and so the point of Luck for being fed vs the Unluck of Not being fed was already driven Home, which must have meant I was already holding one of the best spots available in The World and so there was not much space for Hope to 'move on and up' so to speak.

For months after I watched the movie I held a secret desire that Mary would come for me, I wasn't even from a rich family at the level of the Banks, only child, no Chef, I did not have a Chimney she could come in from, I hoped she would have some ingenuity and see the balcony as an option.

Today when I look back I see how we create Hopes and Lies for our kids so they will accept this world as it is, we whisper the ugly truths and frustrations of ourselves and others, not wanting to expose the Children to "Real Life", filling their Heads with Walt Disney's bullshit about Magic and how everything turns out all right at the end, hiding the Ugliness of this World in Fairy Tales that fail to tell that many Ends have come with no Happiness but as the logical conclusion of a Life lived in Misery, both emotionally and economically, while Hoping it will get better, seeing external interventions as the Only Way to Change, feeding them spoonfuls of sugar to make the Medicine, as the Bitter Truth of Human Life, go down, Make the medicine go down, make the Medicine go down.

It would be natural from such Characters to develop into full fledged Hopeful Lightworkers, professing that "Love will Change the world', turning the Love Lie into the spoonful of Sugar that makes the Medicine go down, showing that we have in fact not learnt from the Past, that being let down by Mary Poppins was not enough to give up Hope, we will look for something else, something bigger, something that must deliver as we gather together with other Dementia sufferers in support of a Comix solution, it was called Comix as in meant to make us laugh, not as in 'The New Coming', nothing ain't coming, we are the Second (or better the one millionth) coming and we have not got it yet, talk about the Superior Human Race.

I have fucked myself with Hope extensively, when what I hoped for became un-hopeable for such as a woman in Victorian clothes flying through the sky by a talking umbrella, entering my balcony and my life to sort it out, I moved on, yeap, not out of Hope, no, that would have been unthinkable as that would have pointed out that I was the One having to stand up for my own Change and a World Change, but the world provided many free upgrades to my operating system, and Love embodied them All.

Love will Change the world, emmh, NO actually it didn't, it doesn't, the "End Famine by 2010 Live Aid campaign" would be forgotten and replaced with another Hope, a shift in consciousness, a planetary shift, aliens, Mayans, bring it on, just don't ask Me to do it, or I will tell you to just Fuck Off.
And Honestly, you know How Much I Love You.

Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment statements to let go of the Character of HOPE to Follow

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Day 102: "The Italian Beauty Judge" Self Commitment Statements

I commit myself to stop my existence as the 'Italian beauty Judge' Character, to stop believing that due to my Nationality I have special rights and exclusivity on Beauty ideas, opinions and con-cepts that I have a duty to pass on to others, spreading my own enslavement like a disease onto the new generations as beliefs and con-cepts for which I commit myself to stop

I commit myself to take back my own Value as the investments I have made into Beauty and the Beauty Industry while looking for my own Value/ Worth, in separation from myself as Self Value and Self Worth

I commit myself to give up the belief that Beauty is a Value and to dig into this Character as The Beauty Supporter to see where and how I started to believe in the Value of Beauty so I can delete my energetic attachments through self forgiveness and correct myself as the Directive Principle of me, to stand as Self Correction here in and as Breath to no longer be run in automatic by Beauty Constructs

I commit myself to forgive myself for my judgements about Beauty and what is beautiful and what is not, as I see realize and understand, that Beauty is a Desire and a Trap, that Beauty has not added anything of value to this world except for testimonials of the price/prize we have been willing to pay for Beauty, all the way to Human Lives as in all the ones that died in building symbols of a Beauty that we were taught to appreciate and value disregarding the Lives that disappeared into such ludicrous pompous efforts to build what would outlast us as the worship of nothingness.

I commit myself to stop my participation in unexpressed comparison Beauty contests in which I use Beauty to make myself more than others, using Beauty as the wedge that divides the world in Beautiful and Ugly, denying each other the Equal Right to Life as we uphold beliefs in and as separation from each other as Images of ourselves and not ourselves as Life as All of Existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to stop my energetic reactions to comments about Beauty and Ugliness, to anything that is Picture related and supports the Image of ourselves vs the Substance of Ourselves

I commit myself to no longer invest in Beauty as a Value System and when and if I have to walk the Character of 'system acceptability' I won't invest anything of me and remind myself it is just a Character that I play as an Image Acceptable Character, until we bring on a system that dignifies Life and not the Image of Life that supports All Equally from Birth to Death

I commit myself to stop feeling guilty for the Image of me, as I did not choose how to look or the lenght of my legs as I was genetically engineered to play as a Character in which I stepped in and accepted and allowed myself to believe this Character as the Image of me to be me, and to abandon any idea of Beauty as Merit, that we have deserved it and some did not, that we have earned our physical appearance due to previous past lives in which we were good, while some were bad, as I see this is all nonsense to justify why some have a right to have more than others within a Value system as the Beauty System, and that any system of Value I support above Life, gives my implicit permission for the Value system of Money to exist One and Equal as a system of Value in separation from me/ourselves to abuse Life

I commit myself to see through all the layers of self deception as beauty, as something that I have used to cover up what I believed was too ugly to look at, which was this world as our Creation, where we allow other beings to suffer and deliberately make some beings such as animals the preys of our experiments for our ultimate pursuit of Happiness as Beauty as Value

I commit myself to stop believing that the ones that are considered system Ugly have less value than the ones considered system Beautiful/Pretty, as I see realize and understand we have created just another way to play the comparison and moreness game, while we lost ourselves into a Character game that we now have to walk backward to return to Life Here in and as Breath for ourselves and What is Best for All, Equal and One

Day 101: "The Italian Beauty Judge" Character

The point of Beauty as Cruelty came up a few days ago within our group. I resisted it extensively to the point that I struggled with seeing Why is Beauty Cruelty, even though it was laid out quite clearly in the Creation's Journey to Life Blog.

The reasons behind this point is that I have invested a lot in Beauty, ideas of Beauty, opinions of what is beautiful and what is -clearly- not.

When I lived in Hong Kong we had a French girlfriend, when she separated after 22 years of marriage and she came into our "Italian group' we felt compelled to 'help her' to beautify herself, tell her that she had to go for manicure and pedicures, pluck her eyebrows, wax herself, make up and finally she turned out acceptable according to 'Italian Standards', we complimented ourselves on our 'Creation'.

A few weeks ago I took my mum to the gym with me, my mum and fashion are the furthest thing on the planet, yet, when one lady we were chatting with stripped off, my mum took notice of how unattractive she was and told me 'If I were a man I would never be interested in her, did you see her dropping boobs, scarred belly etc etc, and then women complain that men do now want to have sex with them '.

Yet this lady that I often see is a fitness teacher, she works out 3 hours a day, her genetics though do not allow her to reach any standard of what we consider beautiful, her face is not attractive, she is short, her legs are muscular but not straight, there is nothing else she can do to attain that standard, she already does manicure, pedicure, plucks her eyebrows, waxing, she would need a total body and face makeover to reach what would be 'acceptable' within our beauty culture

Because we are raised to appreciate Beauty, our historical buildings are beautiful, our cities are beautiful, our food is beautiful, our fabrics are beautiful, the way we match colors is beautiful, our fashion industry is all about Beauty, our cars are beautiful and so are the women and men, in our imagination, according to illusory ideas and beliefs that we were taught and we complied to pass on, turning us into the biggest hoax on the planet of which we are not even aware.

We failed to see how everything we have given to the world is just crap, we are the ringleaders of standard setting for humanity, when we design jeans with holes, they become trends, when we design cars noone can afford and they become a sign of exclusivity and so do our clothes which we see in shops at price tags that match the monthly income of an ordinary family and only the Haves can afford, the Have Nots are left with plenty unfulfilled desires and a deep seated sense of inadequacy.

We create exclusivity so we can exclude each other, we can stand as both the unfulfilled desires and the accomplishment of a system of injustice, everything we do is excellent, we have the highest corruption on the planet and how can we be surprised ?

If what we are writing as 'the way things should be' is only attainable through Big Money, everyone is desiring to get the Money to make themselves into what We ourselves have decided to be good, Beauty, get the Money to beautify yourself, your car, your house, your children, get bigger boobs, lips, yachts, holidays, live big, eat well, discard anything in your way that stands between you and your Beautiful Life.

And please, do fail to see that we sold you the Beauty system so you won't have to look at the ugliness of a world that we created in pursuit of our desires, transforming our Humanity in the Ugliness of the cruelty of the exclusivity of an Imaginary Beauty, that some, no matter how hard they try, will just never achieve or be a part of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invest value in Beauty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'Life is Beautiful', meaning the Lifestyles we have subscribed to and hoped to, one day, if we work hard enough, be able to embody and live out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify Beauty as an ideal because we are trapped into the Beauty System and instead of looking at the whys and hows we ended up here, look for reasons why it made sense, like the Monastery of nuns that pursue Enlightenment through Beauty, because enlightenment and spirituality are beautiful and for the beautiful ones

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud and happy if and when someone told me you are beautiful' as if it was a merit, an achievement that made me fit into my Life better with more chances to take on the world and so everything that resonates to that original idea makes me positively react, including the 'Ciao bella' that we tell to each other, even to the  'ugly ones' as we go pretending that we do not see that they are ugly and we give value instead to all indiscriminately

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the world in beautiful and ugly and for defining beautiful the things that I have accepted and allowed as associated to Beauty and ugly everything else that doesn't, including asymmetry and fat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that saying to a woman 'bella' or 'Ciao bella' is a pick me up' because no matter how down you are, if you are bella/beautiful, life is rosy and things look bright

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the Beauty Crap/Trap that was set for us in front of our eyes and sold us and to which we sold out, just to become loyal consumers in the pursuit of unattainable standards of imaginary Happiness as Beauty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anyone can become beautiful, their best, if they follow the Beauty code of manicure, pedicure, plucking eyebrows and stray facial hairs, wax, go to the hairdresser, get the right clothes and match them according to the color matches they have taught us as 'how colors should be matched' to live the Beautiful Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud about Italy and its Beauty, failing to see that anything we praise as beautiful comes from the labour of slaves, who built palaces for the rich -and beautiful- while they hoped to get a piece of the beautiful life for themselves without realizing that Beauty is designed to NOT be for everybody, because if it were it would NOT be special and exclusive and thus would Not Be Beautiful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the point of Beauty as Exclusive, as something that we have designed in such a way that not everyone will be able to live it and be it, so we can have Beauty to add to our other Value points that we accumulate as we walk through Life searching for the Value of ourselves in separation from ourselves as Self Value/Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disturbed at the idea that Beauty is cruelty, because I do not want to admit having participated in Beauty as I did to fit the beauty model of my country and I wanted to hold on to my perceived beauty as specialness and exclusivity and so I accepted and allowed myself to backchat that all the ones complaining are the ugly ones which is what I think about myself about the money system that I am only 'complaining' about it because I do not have Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to put myself back in place about the Money System as I accuse myself that 'I'm just 'complaining' because I don't have money now and that when I did have money I was nowhere to be heard', without seeing and realizing that I had to lose it all before I could experience for myself the hold that Money has on our lives and that I cannot take back the fact that when I had money I did not stand up for a solution and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for the past and my non participation as a solution when I had money in my pocket

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the world in beautiful and ugly, wanting beauty for myself, seeking beautiful places to go and visit, praising the idea that enlightenment is beauty and that beautiful people are better than the ugly ones, marrying the idea that we must have done something right, in other lives, seeking for reasons within cultures to justify Beauty, believing all the 'good reasons' in support for beauty and the beautiful life as a prize, something we won and earned  to live in this life as a sign of our specialness that made us not Equals, which is a despisable concept within the world of Beauty, but special and unique, unlike anyone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the inequality of the world with regards to Beauty, as the desire for Beauty and what is Beautiful became a point of Value for me and more important than seeing the Equality of us All Here, sharing One planet and the Life we Breathe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give Beauty value over Life One and Equal for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, since I am Italian, I have the right and ultimate knowledge about Beauty and what is beautiful, and that because of my birthright as an expert on Beauty, I get to have a say in expressing my useless Opinion to others about what they should wear and how is the color matching done properly as I know better and they should listen to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see and realize the point of Beauty as Cruelty, because that would make me cruel for my participation in and within the Beauty System, and I don't want to be cruel because being cruel is bad and I want to be good, instead of just seeing realizing and understanding that I participated in what I was taught as a value system, and that I struggle to let go because parts of me are invested in this value system in separation of myself as knowledge and information, instead of recognizing All Life as Beauty and what is against Life as unacceptable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to beautify everything according to my Beauty Value System, so I can feel good about myself having complied to what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is in fact Beauty as Value, failing to see that wherever I define value of me outside of me I am just limiting myself and others and condemning the world to the Ugly life we are all living in our pursuit of Happiness as Beauty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I set a beautiful table, match my clothes, have color matching fabrics and pillows I am more valuable than if I did not, and that I have to seek money to be able to accomplish this feat as in beautifying myself and my surrounding as that is where I believed some of my value is, instead of seeing and realizing I just turned out as the Beauty Slave the system has designed for me to embody so I could go and BUY my Beauty props, keeping the system going and my hopes to reach the ultimate beauty status secretly hidden within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that Beauty is a discriminatory tool, that defining people and things and nature according to my own accepted and allowed imprinted ideals of beauty is just insane and is damaging the whole planet as while we seek beauty and our own accepted ideals of beauty, we destroy anything and anyone that doesn't fit the bill, making some things less and some people less valuable just because they are not fitting the beauty ideals of the world, who has set them just to sell stuff as Happiness as Beauty and keep the system going

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the women I see at the gym according to my beauty standards, defining boobs, legs, faces, hands, feet, hair as beautiful or not beautiful, justifying myself that what I see is a fact, that they indeed are either beautiful or ugly, failing to see that these judgements can only come up according to beliefs, ideas and opinions I have accepted and allowed as 'beauty standards' through reading magazines, watching movies, hearing my family and family's friends comments about it as I was growing up and ultimately made this repertoire mine, believing this to be true, undebatable as beauty is not in the eyes of the beholder since strangely we all see beauty equally apparently, never wondering how this came about, blindly accepting that this is the way things are and not just a program that runs in our heads and tells us what beauty is and how to attain it, so we can strive to get there and get the fucking value of beauty that it's a market value like anything that can be exchanged for money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ugly, as when my mum cut my hair like a boy when I was a kid, and I got negative reviews and people asking if I was a girl or a boy, discounting after that anything that was practical in favor of everything that was beautiful and this included uncomfortable clothes and shoes that fit the picture image of myself that I was trying to go for, regardless of what I put my body through in the attainment of Beauty as Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that women who have their feet all ruined and crooked, with bunions and bones twisted and corns and have to attend the podiatrist care monthly is normal, is part of being a woman as I overheard women say at the gym the other day, instead of seeing and realizing that THIS IS NOT NORMAL, that we have found ridiculous the binding of the feet of Chinese women in the attainment of Beauty according to Men's ideas about what made women's feet attractive, yet we are just doing the same to ourselves, binding our feet in shoes that are designed for mannequins and not for women who have to walk in them, have a life, go to work, attend to their children and that us failing to see what we are putting ourselves through for fashion and beauty is a sign of our insanity and not of a world that supports Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when my mum made a demeaning comment on a lady at the gym, without seeing and realizing that I am the one making the comments even though I now suppress them into my backchat because I judge these comments as bad, yet I have not taken the time to look at why and how such comments come up especially in relation to 'if I were a man I would never want to fuck her' as a Value point, comparing my fuckability to other women's unfuckability so I can gain value for myself as the value is in how much men want to fuck a woman after she has done everything she can to be and become attractive so that a man will finally desire to fuck her and give her the value we have accepted and allowed ourselves to believe lies in that one point of being desirable and fuckable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my value in separation from myself into my ability to attract and inspire the desire to fuck me in a man, having defined the value of a woman by how much she is desirable on the sex market and The Sex Game we all play through the Beauty system as a hook to get the next energetic feed through positive feedback from men that underline our successful level of desirability and fuckability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to give up beauty as a value system, because I have lots of Knowledge and information about it and of myself invested in it, because no one wants to give up anything that works for them and beauty works for me, yet I want a World that is best for All and this means dropping all things that stand in the way of our Equality and our ideas of beauty are just that, ideas, opinions and beliefs, which are not Real, and stand in the way of me seeing others as Equals, of seeing a being for who they really are and not their Image Presentation that must fit a specific 'system taught standard' that has no clue about Life and who we really are and what we could become if we dropped everything that is in the way of Equality and Oneness and is therefore not a standard to uphold or consider any longer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define great constructions as beauty, feeling proud when such feats were done by Italians as anything that is Made in Italy, like me, sticks together as a symbol of what humanity can achieve as Beauty as Happiness, deliberately not taking into account the lives destroyed in the pursuit of beauty as happiness as a positive recognition of value, discarding anything and anyone that doesn't fit an imaginary make belief ideal and standard, reducing humanity to a stereotype of desires to be achieved in the pursuit of happiness and value we have separated ourselves from as we embraced the crap of this system of Abuse where we can't even see Beauty as Cruelty

Self Commitment Statement to follow tomorrow.