Day 101: "The Italian Beauty Judge" Character

The point of Beauty as Cruelty came up a few days ago within our group. I resisted it extensively to the point that I struggled with seeing Why is Beauty Cruelty, even though it was laid out quite clearly in the Creation's Journey to Life Blog.

The reasons behind this point is that I have invested a lot in Beauty, ideas of Beauty, opinions of what is beautiful and what is -clearly- not.

When I lived in Hong Kong we had a French girlfriend, when she separated after 22 years of marriage and she came into our "Italian group' we felt compelled to 'help her' to beautify herself, tell her that she had to go for manicure and pedicures, pluck her eyebrows, wax herself, make up and finally she turned out acceptable according to 'Italian Standards', we complimented ourselves on our 'Creation'.

A few weeks ago I took my mum to the gym with me, my mum and fashion are the furthest thing on the planet, yet, when one lady we were chatting with stripped off, my mum took notice of how unattractive she was and told me 'If I were a man I would never be interested in her, did you see her dropping boobs, scarred belly etc etc, and then women complain that men do now want to have sex with them '.

Yet this lady that I often see is a fitness teacher, she works out 3 hours a day, her genetics though do not allow her to reach any standard of what we consider beautiful, her face is not attractive, she is short, her legs are muscular but not straight, there is nothing else she can do to attain that standard, she already does manicure, pedicure, plucks her eyebrows, waxing, she would need a total body and face makeover to reach what would be 'acceptable' within our beauty culture

Because we are raised to appreciate Beauty, our historical buildings are beautiful, our cities are beautiful, our food is beautiful, our fabrics are beautiful, the way we match colors is beautiful, our fashion industry is all about Beauty, our cars are beautiful and so are the women and men, in our imagination, according to illusory ideas and beliefs that we were taught and we complied to pass on, turning us into the biggest hoax on the planet of which we are not even aware.

We failed to see how everything we have given to the world is just crap, we are the ringleaders of standard setting for humanity, when we design jeans with holes, they become trends, when we design cars noone can afford and they become a sign of exclusivity and so do our clothes which we see in shops at price tags that match the monthly income of an ordinary family and only the Haves can afford, the Have Nots are left with plenty unfulfilled desires and a deep seated sense of inadequacy.

We create exclusivity so we can exclude each other, we can stand as both the unfulfilled desires and the accomplishment of a system of injustice, everything we do is excellent, we have the highest corruption on the planet and how can we be surprised ?

If what we are writing as 'the way things should be' is only attainable through Big Money, everyone is desiring to get the Money to make themselves into what We ourselves have decided to be good, Beauty, get the Money to beautify yourself, your car, your house, your children, get bigger boobs, lips, yachts, holidays, live big, eat well, discard anything in your way that stands between you and your Beautiful Life.

And please, do fail to see that we sold you the Beauty system so you won't have to look at the ugliness of a world that we created in pursuit of our desires, transforming our Humanity in the Ugliness of the cruelty of the exclusivity of an Imaginary Beauty, that some, no matter how hard they try, will just never achieve or be a part of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invest value in Beauty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'Life is Beautiful', meaning the Lifestyles we have subscribed to and hoped to, one day, if we work hard enough, be able to embody and live out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify Beauty as an ideal because we are trapped into the Beauty System and instead of looking at the whys and hows we ended up here, look for reasons why it made sense, like the Monastery of nuns that pursue Enlightenment through Beauty, because enlightenment and spirituality are beautiful and for the beautiful ones

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud and happy if and when someone told me you are beautiful' as if it was a merit, an achievement that made me fit into my Life better with more chances to take on the world and so everything that resonates to that original idea makes me positively react, including the 'Ciao bella' that we tell to each other, even to the  'ugly ones' as we go pretending that we do not see that they are ugly and we give value instead to all indiscriminately

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the world in beautiful and ugly and for defining beautiful the things that I have accepted and allowed as associated to Beauty and ugly everything else that doesn't, including asymmetry and fat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that saying to a woman 'bella' or 'Ciao bella' is a pick me up' because no matter how down you are, if you are bella/beautiful, life is rosy and things look bright

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the Beauty Crap/Trap that was set for us in front of our eyes and sold us and to which we sold out, just to become loyal consumers in the pursuit of unattainable standards of imaginary Happiness as Beauty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anyone can become beautiful, their best, if they follow the Beauty code of manicure, pedicure, plucking eyebrows and stray facial hairs, wax, go to the hairdresser, get the right clothes and match them according to the color matches they have taught us as 'how colors should be matched' to live the Beautiful Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud about Italy and its Beauty, failing to see that anything we praise as beautiful comes from the labour of slaves, who built palaces for the rich -and beautiful- while they hoped to get a piece of the beautiful life for themselves without realizing that Beauty is designed to NOT be for everybody, because if it were it would NOT be special and exclusive and thus would Not Be Beautiful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the point of Beauty as Exclusive, as something that we have designed in such a way that not everyone will be able to live it and be it, so we can have Beauty to add to our other Value points that we accumulate as we walk through Life searching for the Value of ourselves in separation from ourselves as Self Value/Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disturbed at the idea that Beauty is cruelty, because I do not want to admit having participated in Beauty as I did to fit the beauty model of my country and I wanted to hold on to my perceived beauty as specialness and exclusivity and so I accepted and allowed myself to backchat that all the ones complaining are the ugly ones which is what I think about myself about the money system that I am only 'complaining' about it because I do not have Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to put myself back in place about the Money System as I accuse myself that 'I'm just 'complaining' because I don't have money now and that when I did have money I was nowhere to be heard', without seeing and realizing that I had to lose it all before I could experience for myself the hold that Money has on our lives and that I cannot take back the fact that when I had money I did not stand up for a solution and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for the past and my non participation as a solution when I had money in my pocket

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the world in beautiful and ugly, wanting beauty for myself, seeking beautiful places to go and visit, praising the idea that enlightenment is beauty and that beautiful people are better than the ugly ones, marrying the idea that we must have done something right, in other lives, seeking for reasons within cultures to justify Beauty, believing all the 'good reasons' in support for beauty and the beautiful life as a prize, something we won and earned  to live in this life as a sign of our specialness that made us not Equals, which is a despisable concept within the world of Beauty, but special and unique, unlike anyone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the inequality of the world with regards to Beauty, as the desire for Beauty and what is Beautiful became a point of Value for me and more important than seeing the Equality of us All Here, sharing One planet and the Life we Breathe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give Beauty value over Life One and Equal for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, since I am Italian, I have the right and ultimate knowledge about Beauty and what is beautiful, and that because of my birthright as an expert on Beauty, I get to have a say in expressing my useless Opinion to others about what they should wear and how is the color matching done properly as I know better and they should listen to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see and realize the point of Beauty as Cruelty, because that would make me cruel for my participation in and within the Beauty System, and I don't want to be cruel because being cruel is bad and I want to be good, instead of just seeing realizing and understanding that I participated in what I was taught as a value system, and that I struggle to let go because parts of me are invested in this value system in separation of myself as knowledge and information, instead of recognizing All Life as Beauty and what is against Life as unacceptable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to beautify everything according to my Beauty Value System, so I can feel good about myself having complied to what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is in fact Beauty as Value, failing to see that wherever I define value of me outside of me I am just limiting myself and others and condemning the world to the Ugly life we are all living in our pursuit of Happiness as Beauty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I set a beautiful table, match my clothes, have color matching fabrics and pillows I am more valuable than if I did not, and that I have to seek money to be able to accomplish this feat as in beautifying myself and my surrounding as that is where I believed some of my value is, instead of seeing and realizing I just turned out as the Beauty Slave the system has designed for me to embody so I could go and BUY my Beauty props, keeping the system going and my hopes to reach the ultimate beauty status secretly hidden within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that Beauty is a discriminatory tool, that defining people and things and nature according to my own accepted and allowed imprinted ideals of beauty is just insane and is damaging the whole planet as while we seek beauty and our own accepted ideals of beauty, we destroy anything and anyone that doesn't fit the bill, making some things less and some people less valuable just because they are not fitting the beauty ideals of the world, who has set them just to sell stuff as Happiness as Beauty and keep the system going

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the women I see at the gym according to my beauty standards, defining boobs, legs, faces, hands, feet, hair as beautiful or not beautiful, justifying myself that what I see is a fact, that they indeed are either beautiful or ugly, failing to see that these judgements can only come up according to beliefs, ideas and opinions I have accepted and allowed as 'beauty standards' through reading magazines, watching movies, hearing my family and family's friends comments about it as I was growing up and ultimately made this repertoire mine, believing this to be true, undebatable as beauty is not in the eyes of the beholder since strangely we all see beauty equally apparently, never wondering how this came about, blindly accepting that this is the way things are and not just a program that runs in our heads and tells us what beauty is and how to attain it, so we can strive to get there and get the fucking value of beauty that it's a market value like anything that can be exchanged for money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ugly, as when my mum cut my hair like a boy when I was a kid, and I got negative reviews and people asking if I was a girl or a boy, discounting after that anything that was practical in favor of everything that was beautiful and this included uncomfortable clothes and shoes that fit the picture image of myself that I was trying to go for, regardless of what I put my body through in the attainment of Beauty as Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that women who have their feet all ruined and crooked, with bunions and bones twisted and corns and have to attend the podiatrist care monthly is normal, is part of being a woman as I overheard women say at the gym the other day, instead of seeing and realizing that THIS IS NOT NORMAL, that we have found ridiculous the binding of the feet of Chinese women in the attainment of Beauty according to Men's ideas about what made women's feet attractive, yet we are just doing the same to ourselves, binding our feet in shoes that are designed for mannequins and not for women who have to walk in them, have a life, go to work, attend to their children and that us failing to see what we are putting ourselves through for fashion and beauty is a sign of our insanity and not of a world that supports Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when my mum made a demeaning comment on a lady at the gym, without seeing and realizing that I am the one making the comments even though I now suppress them into my backchat because I judge these comments as bad, yet I have not taken the time to look at why and how such comments come up especially in relation to 'if I were a man I would never want to fuck her' as a Value point, comparing my fuckability to other women's unfuckability so I can gain value for myself as the value is in how much men want to fuck a woman after she has done everything she can to be and become attractive so that a man will finally desire to fuck her and give her the value we have accepted and allowed ourselves to believe lies in that one point of being desirable and fuckable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my value in separation from myself into my ability to attract and inspire the desire to fuck me in a man, having defined the value of a woman by how much she is desirable on the sex market and The Sex Game we all play through the Beauty system as a hook to get the next energetic feed through positive feedback from men that underline our successful level of desirability and fuckability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to give up beauty as a value system, because I have lots of Knowledge and information about it and of myself invested in it, because no one wants to give up anything that works for them and beauty works for me, yet I want a World that is best for All and this means dropping all things that stand in the way of our Equality and our ideas of beauty are just that, ideas, opinions and beliefs, which are not Real, and stand in the way of me seeing others as Equals, of seeing a being for who they really are and not their Image Presentation that must fit a specific 'system taught standard' that has no clue about Life and who we really are and what we could become if we dropped everything that is in the way of Equality and Oneness and is therefore not a standard to uphold or consider any longer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define great constructions as beauty, feeling proud when such feats were done by Italians as anything that is Made in Italy, like me, sticks together as a symbol of what humanity can achieve as Beauty as Happiness, deliberately not taking into account the lives destroyed in the pursuit of beauty as happiness as a positive recognition of value, discarding anything and anyone that doesn't fit an imaginary make belief ideal and standard, reducing humanity to a stereotype of desires to be achieved in the pursuit of happiness and value we have separated ourselves from as we embraced the crap of this system of Abuse where we can't even see Beauty as Cruelty

Self Commitment Statement to follow tomorrow.