Day 124: Giving Up The Hope-Fool Character

Hope (Photo credit: bitzcelt)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I qualified for Hopeful intervention while the rest of the World, including kids who did not even have food, a point I was aware of, did not, making myself a Victim of a system in which Victims create Abusers and viceversa

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was a Victim in need of -Hope-fool- intervention and within this for giving up my power to stand for myself and All, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not worthy because Mary Poppins did not come for me as I learnt to compete for attention, hoping to come out the winner within my competitions with other kids, growing more and more indifferent to the needs of others in favour of my wants and within this I forgive myself that I did not care if a child was starving and that I would not have given up Mary Poppins to go and help someone more needy as I took Mary Poppins and everything else in Life as the measure of my worth and value and in seeking Worth and Value for myself in separation from my Self Worth and Self Value I would happily trample others and existence as a whole just to come out the winner and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as Life as that gave birth to all sorts of abominations while I sailed through existence forgetting that I am All There Is and that whatever I trample and trash on my way to victory is myself as You are Me in another Life
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Hope that someone would come and save me as I feared this world, this life and my family without realizing I only feared myself and the chance that I might have to stand up for Change as Change, in separation from myself as Existence and All there IS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live fear as Who I am as a kid, which gave birth to the desire for HOPE, within which I could HOPE that things would get better without having to do anything to make them better for myself and this Creation Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to leave behind the Hopeful Character as the One that Hoped that Mary Poppins would come and save me, just to upgrade my operating system into more elaborate Hopeful patterns, such as the one of a Lightworker or the one who was Idle-ly waiting for a shift to occur, for a spaceship to board, for any external intervention that meant I did not have to do anything about what is going on in the world that is affecting 1/3 of the people on the Planet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself about having grown up, meaning that I had become self responsible, while I secretly hid the same desires I had when I was a kid, to not be responsible and to be saved and rescued from this world and this reality by someone bigger and more powerful than myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Hope in the Existence of something Bigger than me that I could Blame for the state of the world and Hope it would come and save me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that we need an external intervention because I trusted that we cannot change and that we had reached an all time low as humanity, instead of seeing and realizing I had reached an all time low and did not trust that I could change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could trust the fact that I would not change as I heard many times that 'people don't change' until I made it my mantra to justify why I did not change, instead of standing up consistently for change until I stand corrected

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that the reason why I embraced the point of trusting that I would NOT change, was just because I believed it was easier than to in fact change, and because I did not have the tools to change myself when I reached the con-clusion that 'yes, it's true, people don't change' but I have now the tools to change myself and so I can stop justifying my not changing with the point that People do not change and just keep correcting myself until I in fact stand corrected

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that we are stuck into timeloops of our own creations, in which we have first defined who we are either through our acceptances and allowances and then went out and lived our own secret self definitions, and that we can in fact change as we stand to redefine ourselves and everything we have participated in in alignment with Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if and when we have been evil as children, that was who we really are and then tried to leave those memories behind, without seeing and realizing that the whole of who we have been is Here and has never gone anywhere and so it will require that I dig up the memories of myself that I have stored together with my self definition so I can correct all my starting points as memories as Characters of separation born out of Fear to realign myself to Life as What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to Hope, to join groups full of Hope as Love and Light, hoping that I could wave my Light Wand and make the ugliness of the world just go away, fearing that if I let go of Hope there would be nothing left to hang on to and within this I forgive myself for believing that I HAD to Hang on to Hope because I perceived and then beLieved that I was not Enough to stand and be the Change that is required in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself because I spread the Hope disease as my hidden fears around and for supporting the education of Children through bullshit Cartoon Characters, comix that are not funny anymore when we see why we Create them and what is their purpose as to pass on our fears to the Children of this world in the form of Hope as the crippled Characters we have become and believe to be Who We really Are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak the words 'let's Hope' even now that I now better, just because I fear not knowing what to say when people share with me their suffering and how they are Hoping that things will get better and since I hold mixed emotions about 'the right words to say in such circumstances' I give them 'Hope' laced with my own fears that there is nothing that can be said to alleviate Human suffering to people who are too old to Change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to hang on to the wild card of Hope for others, pretending that I do it for them, while I still feed off it whenever I speak the words 'Let's Hope' I have just changed polarity and I am no longer able to access the 'positive polarity' of Hope as the potential solution but now I access the negative polarity of Hope as the Lie and the cover up for the Fears I feel when I am faced with suffering, believing that I myself might want to receive the Hope Last Rite when on my deathbed, instead of seeing and realizing that HOPE is what is making the deathbeds for all of us in which we'll have to Lie unless we STOP hoping and stand united for and as The Solution for a World that is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'One spoonful of sugar' makes the medicine go down, and within this failing to see that we are all in fact self medicated through our own participation in chemical manifestation that we call emotions and feelings that we participate in, believing that Life is Not Enough, that Life is Bitter and there is Nothing we can do about it apart from taking a fucking spoonful of sugar to make it go down, failing to see that we mistook Life in and as the Mind as Life Here in and as the Breath we All Share

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embody this 'Spoonful of Sugar' song, turning myself into a sugar addict as a way to make my life sweet as I believed that Life is in fact bitter and unbearable, instead of seeing and realizing I am the one making my life bitter and unbearable as I participate in the polarity of the Mind, where once I board the swing for the positive polarity I will have to live out the negative polarity of my Choice, living the self balancing act of a Life that is NOT what Life is but what we believed it to be as we bought into the need for Hope to just get by/through it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Not Care about others as myself because I did not care about myself enough to be able to extend such care to others One and Equal and within this Hoping that someone who really Cared would come along and sort things out, failing to see that I must be the One that really Cares for myself as Life and All of Existence, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself through Hope, within which I no longer saw myself as capable of standing up for Change but as someone who needed Help and within this belief I trapped myself in Helplessness not seeing realizing and understanding that since I am the One that Decides, if I need Help I decide that I am helpless and it is only when I give up all desires for help as Hope as a Saving Intervention that I can stand as the Saving Grace of myself and Existence, Equal and One

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Day 123: A Spoonful of Sugar

This would definitely be the Origin of my Hope Character.

The first time I saw the Mary Poppins movie I was a troubled kid. As I was becoming aware of the hidden conflicts and suppressions within the energetic interactions of my family, I experienced myself in a constant relentless state of tension. The documentary The Trap explains that much of those hidden energetic interactions are at the base of our Mental dis-eases as we realize that nothing is as it seems, the world is a big fat lie and yet we are asked to just step in our Role as as a Character and keep moving.

The point that someone somewhere could see troubled children all over the place and come to their rescue was a point I made mine, I was both troubled and all over the place so I definitely qualified.

When we went out of the Movie Theatre I remember feeling guilty as hell as I hang on to these Images in Hope that someone from somewhere would come to show my parents and my family The Way, how it was important to spend time with Children and to encourage their imagination.

I am not sure if I had 'Hope' before this movie, I do not recall Hope as being a big part of my Life as I was told that I was among the lucky kids, I had foods to choose from, I could even remove the fat from meat and ham as I was a fussy eater, and so the point of Luck for being fed vs the Unluck of Not being fed was already driven Home, which must have meant I was already holding one of the best spots available in The World and so there was not much space for Hope to 'move on and up' so to speak.

For months after I watched the movie I held a secret desire that Mary would come for me, I wasn't even from a rich family at the level of the Banks, only child, no Chef, I did not have a Chimney she could come in from, I hoped she would have some ingenuity and see the balcony as an option.

Today when I look back I see how we create Hopes and Lies for our kids so they will accept this world as it is, we whisper the ugly truths and frustrations of ourselves and others, not wanting to expose the Children to "Real Life", filling their Heads with Walt Disney's bullshit about Magic and how everything turns out all right at the end, hiding the Ugliness of this World in Fairy Tales that fail to tell that many Ends have come with no Happiness but as the logical conclusion of a Life lived in Misery, both emotionally and economically, while Hoping it will get better, seeing external interventions as the Only Way to Change, feeding them spoonfuls of sugar to make the Medicine, as the Bitter Truth of Human Life, go down, Make the medicine go down, make the Medicine go down.

It would be natural from such Characters to develop into full fledged Hopeful Lightworkers, professing that "Love will Change the world', turning the Love Lie into the spoonful of Sugar that makes the Medicine go down, showing that we have in fact not learnt from the Past, that being let down by Mary Poppins was not enough to give up Hope, we will look for something else, something bigger, something that must deliver as we gather together with other Dementia sufferers in support of a Comix solution, it was called Comix as in meant to make us laugh, not as in 'The New Coming', nothing ain't coming, we are the Second (or better the one millionth) coming and we have not got it yet, talk about the Superior Human Race.

I have fucked myself with Hope extensively, when what I hoped for became un-hopeable for such as a woman in Victorian clothes flying through the sky by a talking umbrella, entering my balcony and my life to sort it out, I moved on, yeap, not out of Hope, no, that would have been unthinkable as that would have pointed out that I was the One having to stand up for my own Change and a World Change, but the world provided many free upgrades to my operating system, and Love embodied them All.

Love will Change the world, emmh, NO actually it didn't, it doesn't, the "End Famine by 2010 Live Aid campaign" would be forgotten and replaced with another Hope, a shift in consciousness, a planetary shift, aliens, Mayans, bring it on, just don't ask Me to do it, or I will tell you to just Fuck Off.
And Honestly, you know How Much I Love You.

Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment statements to let go of the Character of HOPE to Follow

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Day 79: "Fuck It' Self Forgiveness Statements

Thoughts connected to this Character

You only live Once

Might just as well

Who cares

Enough is enough

Sometimes you have just go to....

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down (Mary Poppins)

Forget about it

Moving on

Feelings and Emotions

Sadness, Joy, Anxiety, Longing for something, Fear

Identified Circumstances for activation

Sense of Defeat, Desire for a Reward not received, Perception of Uselessness/Hopelessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character whose password is 'Fuck it' to underline that nothing that comes after " Fuck It" should be anything for which I should concerned myself or be responsible for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and BeLieve that 'You Only live Once' as a way to justify why 'Fuck It' should be the next thing I say and then get on board 'Fuck It' for the next senseless ride

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I 'Might just as well" enter the "Fuck It" Character because I have accepted and allowed myself to embody Hopelessness and Uselessness and from there I might just as well follow up with a Useless, Hopeless Character such as 'Fuck It'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Uselessness and Hopelessness are who I have been and who I am within my interpretation of 'Fuck it' and just before entering the 'Fuck It' character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned regarding the perceived judgements of others that I then would fear and lie about saying 'Who Cares' and from the friction between my feelings of Fear and my desired suppression an opportunity to board 'Fuck It' opens up, instead of seeing and realizing it is always me judging myself and as I have started the judgements within my 'Judge' character I can stop them stepping out of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe and speak 'enough is enough' and within this meaning to Blame on others and external circumstances my own experience of myself and within this Blame feel the entitlement of boarding and embodying 'Fuck It' as a way to get even with the ones who  I perceived have pushed the 'enough' line without seeing and realizing there is only me doing the job in my own Mind and having all of the responsibility for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that 'sometimes you have just got to ........" in which the blanks are usually filled with something damaging or toxic that I do to myself stepping into my 'Fuck it' Character, because within this sentence what I am actually stating is that I have no power to actually NOT do 'that thing I do' which is entering and embodying 'Fuck It' and the string of consequences I will create for myself and others because 'I have just go to'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold Mary Poppins as a role model of everything I wished to have had in my Life, a flying nanny who would take care of me and my emotional needs, showing my parents that it was time for them to learn how to fly kytes with me and not be so concerned with working all the time leaving me behind and not even providing the perfect nanny that would look after me and take me to walk on the smoke of Chimneys into magical sunsets, justifying that I had it harder that the Banks family and their loving nanny and I was thus justifyed to say 'Fuck it' once in a while and claim back my fun, never realizing the fun I was after was system fun, in which something had to be bought for me to have the experience I was seeking as in booze or dope or shopping or sex, which was a form of shopping that I paid for with myself as energy as the price/prize for that moment of experience that I would then call and define as a Life worth living, implying that I am just worthy when I am Energy and the ups and downs of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe 'that a spoonful of sugar makes anything go down' and for then substituting the sugar with anything that seemed whatever I was trying to push down to infact go down, deeper into my Flesh, so that I would not notice that I was infact making myself one and equal to everything I have used a spoonful of sugar to not face and address, sweetening the truth of who and what I believe myself to be, which was How I experienced myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Sugar as a way to sweeten a Life I perceived and labeled as Bitter, for which I saw no sense at All but to look for those spoonfuls of sugar here and there to make what I perceived and believed Life to be, bearable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and label Life as unbearable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love Walt Disney and everything he did to make us dream and remove us from this reality of suffering and horrors, until I went on a rampage of digging for the truth of everything and discovered he molested children and had set up a space under Disney world where children were trained to become sex slaves while his fantasy world was becoming more and more Sexualized, failing to see Disney was the ultimate reality check for landing as that reality of fantasy could not be above and beyond the reality of ourselves which we are walking as manifested consequences of our desire for More than me and desire for More than Here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the justification of the Demonic nature of this world as an excuse for my 'FuckItAll' embodiment, because suddenly everything seemed just too big, the Demons had taken over even Disney and what's next then, instead of seeing I am the Demon of my own existence and we should have seen it coming because we could not have the Angels without the Demons and that realizing the nature of Polarity of Reality did not need a "FuckItAll' Character, because that had already taken place and brought us Here, but the opposite, a movement into Self Responsibility to stop any and every participation in and as The Mind in which everything has become justifyed in our insane search for the next energy surge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everything is Energy and the physical is transient and so 'Fuck It' could coexist within this belief, because one day I will leave the body I have been abusing behind and move to Higher Planes, free from the limitations of the Physical, failing to see that as in the Physical wherever I went I would take the whole of me with it and having equated myself to Abuse that would not make for a pretty follow up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself within the 'Fuck It' personality/Character, thinking and believing I had the right to abuse myself as I was not damaging anyone else but me, failing to see that whatever I did to me I did to the Whole, as Oneness and Equality exists in the Physical and can be seen all around and that me stopping my existence as Self Abuse as 'Fuck It' is an act of sanity that stops my participation within and as the insanity that I/We have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that when I access sadness, I am in Character as the 'Sadness/Sad' character and that I usually move into sadness as a way to justify my next move which can be 'Fuck It' because now I am sad and I will do anything on my swing of emotions and feelings to just move on the higher scale from the low end that is sadness in which I myself have put myself as a form of self manipulation to lay the ground to justify why I need that something that I want, to move myself out of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and see 'Fuck It' as a reward Character, failing to see that Re-Warding is what it is, it's putting myself back into the Insanity Ward from which I will have to pick myself up yet again when I am done swinging and have done enough damage/self abuse to see that I cannot go on 'that way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use joy/ happiness as a way to access 'Fuck It' because I have been sooo good that now I am happy/joyful and from there to 'Fuck It' the step is short and sweet as I claim my Re-Ward for a job well done, that of securing an energy high for myself against al odds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use 'Fuck it' as a way to get over my anxiety issues, failing to see there was only me in my Mind that could put myself into a state of anxiety and I can stop as I have started it, by Breathing and investigating what is going on within me that I can address to correct my participation in and as the Mind that generates feelings of anxiety, instead of boarding the 'Merry-go'Round' of 'Fuck It' because there is Merry there but there is 'Go ROUND' as well as I always land where I started or lower and 'Fuck It' has proved to NOT be able to address or resolve any issue in my Life so far

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and recognize Fear for what it is, which is a make belief emotion that I myself generate when I set for myself expectations that I do not meet or project myself into a possible future of doom and gloom, such as I am doing at the moment with my job point, which is self created and can be corrected if I keep applying myself, writing out what is it that bothers me so I can consistently stop my back chats and bring myself back Here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Fear is Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'long for something' and for trying and attempting to suppress all my longings, hoping they would go away, so I do not have to look at what it is that I long for and why and remind myself I am longing for Myself Here, instead by suppressing I make the longing grow fonder and stronger and then in a disappearing act I don't remember what is it that I am longing for and I leave myself with an unidentified longing for "something" and then I access 'Fuck It' so the longing stops as I dumb/numb myself down until the next awakening into the damages and consequences of having, once again. boarded 'Fuck It' into my trip to nothingness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Uselessness and Hopelessness are real, which they cannot be, because Hopelessness is the lack of Hope, which is a Make-belief Construct, that I can suffer only if I have invested and valued Hope as something that is useful and could ultimately rescue me from myself, which is NOT, and Uselessness is just another make Belief, a state I access when I have not usefully managed to get what I wanted which I myself had a script for that I had not disclosed to myself as secrets are my way to keep it all Mysterious and Interesting, instead of stopping All and every Bullshit I create for myself in terms of desires and expectations and just bring myself back Here consistently to address myself and my Creation back into correction and alignment to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in my own 'sense of defeat' because to be defeated I must have set myself up against something, which at best is against myself, instead of stopping all 'against' so that defeat can not take place as I equalize myself to everyone and existence, for myself as Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that whatever I do has to be rewarded, because I have embraced the Reward system of consumerism, in which if I study what they want to teach me I get rewarded with 'good' grades, and if I work and accept the system as it is I get rewarded with Money, and if I accept my role as a woman and keep my place I get rewarded with a relationship and so I believe that everything I do has to be followed by a Reward in the form of an experience of 'Feeling Good' about myself and who I am within what I have done and when the reward of feeling Good doesn't come, since I myself have decided I am entitled to it, I will seek for my own Reward and get on with the 'FuckItAll' Character, that always Re-Wards me into Feeling Good about myself through whatever it is I have filed as 'rewards' that can be Food, drinking, smoking Pot or having Sex, or all of the above, failing to see I am just abusing myself within the Belief that I am infact Not Enough unless I validate myself and my existence through an experience of Energy I have come to accept and allow myself to believe to be Who I Am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce and diminish myself to an experience of Energy, Seeking for the More of Me and the More of Here, creating this world within the starting point of Separation and the longing for the Moreness of Me and the Moreness of here, failing to see I was always Here as All There Is and there is in fact nothing More I can be or make of myself but lessen myself and diminish myself within the belief that the All/Whole of ME was in fact Not Enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was/I am NOT Enough and for seeking the experience of More, which led to where we are today, within the Moreness of Nothing, because as I sought the Moreness of Me I became a Character longing and seeking for More and from that Character separated from Me as the Whole and All There Is, I created other Characters who themselves were flawed with the Not Enough/Seeking for More that we translated into Sex and Money and a System of looking and longing for Moreness, from which we have to wake up and Claim our Wholeness of Self as Here, stopping the looking and longing of ourselves as Characters within a make belief reality of Energy to come Home to Self Here as All/Whole that Exists

When and as I see myself stepping into one of the con-ditions I have described as my excuse to activate me as 'Fuck It', I stop, Breathe, remind myself that any con-dition is Self Created and I can Stop It and do not allow myself to walk into and as 'Fuck It' reminding myself nothing of value has ever come from me embodying this Character for myself or others Equal and One, and apply Breathe to stabilize myself out of the CON to not give in to 'Fuck It'

I commit myself to walk myself out of 'Fuck It' consistently, to bring myself back Here using The 4 counts Breath when and as I see myself walking into the possibility and set ups that lead me automatically into 'Fuck It' and to stop my existence as a reactive robot that creates automatic stances I can step into as a way to not take responsibility for myself and my thoughts, words and deeds, but to become a Self Responsible Human Being that cares for myself and others as Life, for myself and All of Existence Equal and One.