Day 202: The 'Intelligence' Gatherer - Character

Last night I had an 'idea' about my future and what I could do.

Having 'ideas' it's another point in itself, they come up at the end of the dull roads of existence I travel and can only take for so long, when dullness seems to 'kill me' here pops an idea, something to keep me going, to give me a sliver of 'hope' for my future, a place I dread because I see this dullness of existence multiplied in years to come and how won't be able to take it.

When those 'Ideas' strike like lightening I then go on an information rampage to gather as many 'valuable' news as possible about whatever I set my mind to. "I" set my mind to..interesting expression...

I am able to read for 24/48 hours, until my body aches and jump from one website to another as I see connections of things I apparently need to know.

This 'I need to know it's of course manufactured by My Mind, it's to cover all my bases so to speak and never clearer than today, it's just FEAR.

It is the FEAR that if I don't know enough when I move into a new venture I will be taken advantage of, it's the 'Intelligence' side of the fear of looking stupid, yesterday I experienced the physical side of 'looking stupid' and today the mental, which is in fact just 'mental' as in mental case, the case in which I trap myself in fear of abuse.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define existence as dull because I am lacking the frenzy of energetic movements, of excitement and depression, instead of seeing realizing and understanding, it's a process and as it took me some time to get use to my existence as an energy drug addict, it will take some time to get off the energy wheel and see that 'not feeling' doesn't define my successful engagement with existence as Life, I am the ones that defined not feeling ad dull and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I evaluate a new possibility, to move into a mental frenzy through which I then believe that I NEED to gather information/intelligence because every new things I evaluate gives rise to both excitement and fear or better stated, excitement AS Fear and I have taught myself that the fear can subside if I gather enough knowledge and information as my counter-intelligence

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need counter-intelligence against myself because I have always only feared myself and my own self judgement and I believed I needed to become 'intelligent' so I would not have to endure myself judgement of myself as stupid, instead of just stopping all and any self judgement

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must load myself with knowledge and information to be prepared for potential abuses, when in fact the piling up of useless knowledge and information that I don't need at the moment and therefore I cannot live, is a form of self abuse

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust myself so little that I have come to the con-clusion that I 'better be prepared' when in fact on my way to getting myself prepared I abuse myself as my mind with useless piling up of knowledge and information that creates friction inside of myself from which I then perceive I need MORE knowledge and information to stop the friction I myself created and then accepted and allowed

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being prepared as with plenty of knowledge and information is a sign of intelligence, which it is, it's the sign that I have successfully filled my head with useless knowledge and information in fear that I may appear stupid if I didn't, before moving myself in and as the physical world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine what will the people around me say/think if I make a decision for which I cannot prove to have done/overdone in fact my homework because I fear they may think I am a fool, instead of seeing and realizing that I fear my own judgement of myself as a fool, because I have already judged myself in the past as a fool for having made wrong moves due to the fact that I had not taken the time to inform myself which I have equated with piling up tons of information so I won't have to face my own self judgements as a fool again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to despise people who have not collected tons of knowledge and information such as I did and for thinking they are fools and should never talk because almost everything they say it's stupid, without realizing I can only judge myself no matter how far and how well I motivate my projections of my own self despise in self judgement

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when yesterday with my students I realized I was about to push her to study either through Fear or through Diminishing her and when I forbade myself from doing either I saw I did not know how to talk to her effectively because so far this is the only way I have taken on board about HOW I motivate myself to pile up knowledge and information and for seeing that I did not have the RIGHT information on how to talk to her in a supportive way I moved into self judgement and then shame which is why I then left at the peak of my irritation so I would not open my big mouth and then say something I would regret and for feeling ashamed of myself I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from Self so much that I have lost touch with the common sense of how to talk in a supportive manner to another human being, because even when I asked myself 'how would I want to be treated' I could not see an answer as I never saw any choice than being motivated either through fear of failure or the fear of being diminished and so an alternative to who I have been was not here because I was not Here and did not trust myself that I could express myself in self honesty in a way that would be mutually beneficial, for me as change and for her as me as support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and what I may say, do, think in my pursuing intelligence as a weapon and an armor with which I arm myself and harm myself at the same time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to 'intelligent people' such as those who held more information and knowledge than myself and for, instead of correcting this experience of myself to stop the fear, seek to even out the play field to NOT experience that fear again, which would be impossible because in the whole world there will always be someone who knows more than me so the point to realign is not the knowledge and information but to stop defining myself through knowledge and information, taking back my value from where I have erroneously invested it, in my search to be more in fear of being less/not enough.

When and as I see myself move or about to move into the Information/Intelligence Gatherer Character, I stop, breathe, assess in self honesty if I need that information in that moment, if I can live that information or if I am hoarding info just for value, and if I see that I am on an info hoarding trip I stop, I breathe and bring myself back Here to stop participating in fear and then the desire to 'do something' to stop the fear

When and as I see myself moving into Conflict with myself about a point of perceived 'required knowledge and information' that I lack I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that such point is coming from the Fear of not Knowing Enough, not having Gathered Enough Intelligence, so I breathe and bring myself back Here instead than giving in to the fear of not Knowing enough, not being 'intelligent' enough as I see, realize and understand I am not defined by my knowledge and information, nor is anyone else.

I commit myself to stop my existence as the Intelligence Gatherer and to explore this Character if and as it comes up until I no longer exist as such Character, but stable Here in and as Breath

Related articles

• Day 101 - Fear of Myself
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Day 134: Gender Hatred - Self Forgiveness

Anaclasis – A Haunting Gospel of Malice & Hatred (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when I read that another woman has been attacked with acid throwing by her former lover

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel entitled to hate men that violate women because I am a woman and I have to stand by my 'gender'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and to say that some men should be hanged by their balls and left there to die, failing to see that I have been and still am participating and fueling the same gender hatred I blame men for, and that there is no difference in hatred just because one seems 'justified hatred' while the other doesn't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women are better than men because we do not go as low as such acts of violence and abuse as men seem capable of, instead of realizing both genders are a product of a sick society of fear and hatred and there is no difference but in the expression of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aways look for the points through which I can up a man to prove that I am better than them and would never go as low as they do with their expression of violence and hatred toward women, instead of realizing that desiring to diminish another to prove that I am better is an act of hatred and violence that has just not become physical yet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the toxicity we show to each other within relationships is who we really are and that it will never change because men are just basically bastards and they would do anything they can to put a woman down, instead of realizing I have done the same within my gender wars to make sure I would come out on top

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such relationships have a future as long as we hide and sugar coat the hatred for each other well enough, instead of seeing that we have to draw a line and STOP because we have gone as far as we could with gender hatred and it's time to put down the weapons, forgive the past and redefine how we want to relate to each other in a way that is supportive for who we are as life and as Honourable as the World we wish to see manifest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'men are stupid' because women can scheme and manipulate more efficiently than men, which could in fact be one of the very sources of the hatred men feel for us and then suppress as they get the manipulation point but not how we do it in the specific, which leaves them with a sense of frustration that bottled up leads to hatred and violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women are better than men because they don't throw acid on a man's face, instead of seeing and realizing that each gender hits the other through what we perceive is their assets, so as men try to take away women's beauty as their market value, women go for their money as their market value, they just go about it when possible 'the legal way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the hatred and the fear that I felt for men within my life because that would not be 'ladylike' to dig up and look at as denial for women was always recommended, instead of seeing that we are mirroring each others' hatred which is ultimately our self hatred for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become while seeking for friction to keep this demented 'Energetic' creation in place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that rape is a result of a society in which sex has become a weapon just like everything else we engage with, and that we need to address everything that we have accepted and allowed because this Creation is tainted and damaged by our self Hatred that is manifesting through every possible Mean, from sexual to physical to verbal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry when men blame women after they beat them or violate them seeking for excuses for the hatred that played out and they were not able to contain, instead of seeing that we blame men for the hatred that we feel for them and we do not manifest in the same ways

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that confining human expression to Genders leads to hatred for the expressions one believes to not have access to that belongs to the other gender and that one point we need to address is the self expression suppressed within our 'gender confinments' to allow any gender to express outside of our defined 'gender boundaries' to stop all suppressions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within gender hatred because it was easy to direct my self hatred on the 'opposite sex' as the perfect way to put a space between myself and my projected hatred and because men always seemed to give us so many good reasons for it that it was hard to resist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for the hatred that has been plaguing our genders in the relationship with each other because I perceived and defined men as the one having all the power, as in the Money/Survival power, instead of seeing and realizing that as I felt justified to hate them for the power I perceived they had, they felt justified to hate us for the power They perceived we have as the power to give birth to another life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that having split Us and Them into our different Perceived Powers within this World would lead to competition and comparison from which only one can come out as the Winner, and that to heal our relationships we have to stop competing and comparing what we have that they don't have and what they have that we don't have and instead accept our different expression as Life that doesn't make anyone of Us More or Less than another but just different in the Expression of Life that we Equally share

I commit myself to no longer react to news regarding this outbreak of violence against women as I work to equalize myself to men, outside of gender roles and preconceived gender based ideas, opinions and beliefs

I commit myself to stop my Gender hatred as I see realize and understand that it is not a Gender hatred but our Fears and self Hatred that we are manifesting on Each other that must be Healed and brought back to Self so we each can address the source as the thoughts that lead to the feelings and emotions that end up in expressions of violence and abuse

I commit myself to no longer support the Us and Them of this existence as it is not possible to be One if we cannot even overcome our perceived Gender Differences, and upholding a line to divide Men and Women is just an idea of separation within which we lose ourselves and forget that We are One and that anything that stands in the Way of the One as Self must be Healed and released, so we may come together as Life and What is best for All and return Home Here within the physical in the simplicity of Breath, for Ourselves and All of Existence, Equal and One

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Day 47: Giving up "Fighting the Good Fight"

In my mind exists a difference between the Bad Fight and the Good Fight.

The Bad Fights are the Evil Ones, the Good Fights are the Good Ones, done for good, for Love, for Peace, for Justice and lately I have added a new one, for Equality.

Given that the first two are imaginary, as Love is just a feeling, thus not real, and Peace exists only within Conflict, I am left with the 'Good Fight for Equality'.

Because I am a fighter and I don't yet grasp that the point of Fighting is a point of Conflict, and there are no Bad or Good Conflicts but in my Mind.

It would be interesting to see why I have replaced the Fight for Equality with the other ones, but the point is self evident, as I became aware through Desteni of the Reality of Creation, I had to let some things go.

I have been more pissed off to have to let go of Love, it suited me to define myself as a Loving Person with a Good Heart, letting go of Peace and Unjustice was easier as I realized that they were both products of Inequality but I have not healed the need to fight, because I have not let go of the Fighter in me.

So I occasionally still find myself chasing or wanting to chase people around the Internet to get on with 'the Good Fight' to show them that they are wrong and I am Right, so I can find some value for myself in this moment where all things I have placed value on and defined myself as are exposed for what they are, Mind Bubbles of Personalities and Beliefs I have breathed into life, and I fear not existing and lacking points to define myself by.

So I have embodied this new point, the Fighter for Good, as if this was not just another oxymoron that doesn't even need to be explained, it stands there in its absurdity of my acceptance of the Game of Good and Evil, instead of me realizing that a Fighter for Good or Evil, is ultimately just that, a Fighter, and that I am in no way contributing to stopping the Conflict and friction I exist in and as, to bring about a World that is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop and design  myself into a friction seeker for the purpose of generating energy for my existence in and as the Mind, instead of realizing that I was existing as an Unit of Energy in separation from Self and everything that exists, seeking my own charging as satisfaction and the reason for my existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the fights I can win, because in winning I get a charge and units of energy/value for myself, instead of realizing I was seeking value in separation from myself as Self Worth/Self Value Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek conflict as a way of life and for switching from the negative conflict that became too obvious as being Ego/Delusion based, to the more subtle conflicts that I defined as Good conflicts/good fights, instead of realizing I had just switched polarity to be able to maintain my existence in separation and self interest, accumulating energy units/value units for myself to survive as/in The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be imprinted and to imprint myself with the desire for conflicts that I could win because as a kid I was subject to conflicts that I would lose with my parents and my family in which I perceived myself as diminishing, not realizing I was diminishing in an energetic sense, as and in the Mind, that needs Energy to exist and sustain itself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel defeated when I lost my conflicts/fights as a child to my family because I lacked the proper vocabulary to come back at them and so I lived the frustration of not being able to win what was obviously a contest they were playing, as well, with me, at me, looking for their own energetic fixes, passing on to me the disease of conflict for the purpose of getting my energetic fixes, that I then went on and played out without ever stopping and questioning myself about the point if that was really who and what I was or who I wanted to be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for fights that I can win so I get to experience myself as Right /Righteous and make someone else Wrong, making myself more valuable than another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that now the good fight is against the Ones that are against Equality, instead of seeing that within the Oneness and Equality of existence I am always and only fighting and conflicting with myself and that Equality won't be brought about by and through Conflicts but by stopping all and every conflict I have allowed myself to exist in and as, as an uncaring energy vampire, sucking the substance of myself as Life out of my own physical body from which I have lived in and as separation, instead than Here in and as Breath, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide fights into bad fights and good fights within me as The Mind, so when I would be forced to let go of the bad fights I could always pick the good fights and keep the energy game going, instead of willing myself to stop all fights and conflicts starting with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight myself and to be in conflict with myself due to my own judgements of myself in comparison to what I was supposed to be, should be, should have become on my way to becoming a valuable/acceptable part of society

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in and as conflict, in and as the desire for peace, and within this desire condemning myself to war, accepting that I could only exist desiring balance, seeking balance, seeking the peace of mind that cannot exist and always eluded me, because the Mind exists in and as Polarity and it needs the friction to exist in fear of ceasing to exist, even though I will have to face this point of fear in my walk to leave me as the Mind behind to realign to Self Here as Breath in Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving up all conflicts, in fear of no longer existing as the personalities, ideas and beliefs of myself I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate and believe to be me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may give up on myself when I saw to which extent I exist in and as conflict, instead of seeing it is me as the Mind playing out this fear so I will give up and continue to exist as a Mind Consciousness System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own Fear and for fearing my own Fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself To fear myself and everything that I will have to face of me as Me while I walk out of the Mind into Self here in and as Breath as Life in Oneness and Equality

When and as I see myself moving into a reaction that tells me I could be moving soon into a conflicting position outside of me, having reached the conflicting point inside of me, I stop, Breathe, refuse to give in to the external conflict whichever name I have given to it, the Good Fight or the Bad Fight, instead 

I commit myself to investigate all points of conflict I exist in and as and to release them and myself, to clear myself from my past existence in and as conflict and to stop projecting my inner reality into the outer world, seeking for energy as a reward and validation of my existence in and as the Mind

I commit myself to no longer engage in conflicts outside for the Good Fight for Equality as I realize that Equality will come about through each of us releasing their internal conflicts and judgements, ideas and beliefs that keep us separate from Self as Life as One and Equal.