Day 76: Duped by my Desire to be Good

Last night I was reading One of the Journey to Life Blogs, and in the specific one titled "Fooled by morals - A Case of Religion", and saw and realized how much that Blog applied to me and my 'moralistic approach to Life'.

My Life has never been based on doing What is Best for All, I just found ways that were acceptable to me according to my own judgements of What is Good and What is Bad, to get what I wanted for myself in absolute Self Interest.

Even wanting 'World Peace' which is universally considered Good can be an act of Self Interest, in which I desire World Peace so I can stop feeling BAD about not having World Peace, but in truth I could not care less that people were at each other's throaths exept that it's bad for my Mood having to watch it happening.

So I want to see in writing Who I am within this Desire to Be Good and how I defined being Good and doing Good, while I accepted and allowed a World of Utter Abuse, in which my Being Good was just another Self Serving Tool, serving me the Right to Abuse in ways that were acceptable and not threathening to my IMage of Goodness among those I knew and inside myself.

Being Good:
- definitions from childhood that I accepted and allowed-

Do not throw tantrums or be moody

Do not masturbate

Give donations to the Poor

Do not gossip, if you do deny it, if you are caught make up stories about it to justify it

Do not lie

When I go through this list I see nothing of value in terms of doing What is Really Best for All but just a list of dos and don't that are actually beneficial to the system and the people who have taught me these things, as they would keep me in line with the belief that I was good and there was nothing more I could do about it, I was just asked to comply to these simple requests and get on with Life, so let's deconstruct my 'Idea of being Good' through Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it made sense to teach kids what is good/right from what is bad/wrong' because kids know nothing and they would not be able to tell the difference between abusing themselves and another and not abusing themselves and another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that throwing tantrums and being moody is bad and that I have to suppress my tantrums and moodiness to be acceptable, instead of investigating why I have moved into an energetic build up and address it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that parents know best, when I lived the evidence that one thing my mum did not know was what was good for her and what it was not, including the relationship with my grandparents, yet I accepted and believed she could teach me what she herself did not know and could not see and realize in her own life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that morality made sense as a guidance system, accepting and allowing within this the belief that we as humans need guidance or 'God knows what we would do', and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the nature of humans is naturally evil and cannot be changed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be good/right to please my mother and family and show them that I got the teachings and was living by them, even though I mostly made up stories about me tooeing the line while in secret I lived the life I wanted feeling bad and wrong for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to be good means to not masturbate, because then everytime I did masturbate I felt bad/wrong and had to keep it hidden and suppressed in and within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what made my parents/family uncomfortable was bad/wrong instead of seeing they were superimposing on me their own limitations of right and wrong until I made them mine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that giving donations to the Poor was something Good and within this accepting the existence of Poor as the Way Things are and my inability to change the world and the system as me because within the Belief of 'having to give to the Poor', I made the Poor a reality to satisfy my need and desire to give to feel good about myself and Be Good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be satisfied with the answer 'there have always been Poor people and always there will be' even though it made no sense that we would throw away food and skim the ham from its fat while someone went with nothing and hungry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a world where there are Poor as The Way Things Are and in which noone asks, but why are Things the Way they Are' because no one has an answer to this specific question

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good about giving to the Poor my change that would make no difference to me if I had it in my pocket or not, while accepting and allowng myself to believe that I had satisifed what was required of me by complying to the Program "give to the Poor/less Fortunate' to Be Good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the existence of a benevolent God who was obviously a gambler that placed people in more or less fortunate positions within the World System, without asking myself how could there be benevolence in a world where some were Less Fortunate than others and satisfying myself with bullshit like 'God moves in mysterious ways or God has a plan'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to realize that if God's plan did not include the well being of All Equally it was NOT a good plan, whatever his reasons and that I should have questioned the nature of this creation and how we had come to live in such a world of violence and abuse within an imaginary benevolence of God and of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because there was a large number of people believing in God and his plan, then it must be true, failing to see that it did not mater how many people did believe and accept the existence of a God with a Plan, the fact that the 'Plan' was here for everyone to see and it was NOT a Good Plan that included the Equal Well being of All did not make the belief of the Many more real or valid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Gossip is bad unless you deny doing it or make up stories about why you are doing it as I saw everyone behave around me in my family and then it's acceptable, so instead of seeing Gossip for the detrimental point that it is because the Other is me and I cannot have what I don't give such as Respect and Consideration for another being, I just became skilled in the cover up and the story tellings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Gossip about others with the purpose of making myself more when I entered the construct of Inferiority and Superiority instead of seeing and realizing that I was the one moving into the need and desire to belittle others to make myself feel better and not that there was something worthy 'to gossip about'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to lie is bad when in fact I was lied all the time by the people that raised me starting from Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy all the way to how they felt about their lives and what was really going on with them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define to lie  as BAD, because they told me not to, just because they wanted as parents and educator that advantage of knowing what I was up to while they did not need to tell me or let me know what they were up to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my lying as in everybody is doing it, instead of seeing that there is no moral compass but my own and that I could have seen by myself the starting point of my reasons for lying and what they were about and I can see now that some lies can be told with the starting point of What is best for All unless I have a morality point standing in the way of using whatever is Here to get to where I need to get to become effective in the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and my actions according to an imaginary morality compass that I myself defined and that only commanded that if I did not stick to it I should feel bad about myself and when I stuck to it I could feel good about myself, failing to see I have even used morality as a point of self interest with which I could reward myself while I could keep on not caring about the world as me that was rotting away under my very eyes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others using a make belief morality compass, failing to see that there is no morality in a world where there is no equality and we better become as ruthless as the system that we judged as ruthless and from which we separated from in fear of being eaten and swallowed up, if we have to become effective in becoming this change that the world needs, as we won't get there by being ''good and nice' applying morality in a world of abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to petrify myself into a position in which I perceive myself I cannot move, because I have been ruthless for self interest and then judged myself harshly for it when I met Desteni and I have not yet seen how to apply my ruthlessness to What is Best for All and so I have frozen myself into a CAN'T Do position, waiting and hoping for inspiration to come to me to show me the way, failing to realize that I am still stuck in the Savious construct, hoping that someone will take this responsibility from my hands and tell me what to do, instead of seeing that becoming self responsible means to assess all situations, look for the Equality Equation in which I consider everyone Equally as much as I can at this stage of my process and then move myself without regrets or fear, having seen and realized that my involvement as a Money making machine is required to contribute to this project and that I no longer wish to postpone my participation to make money for myself and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the words 'Father take away from me this chalice' as in the Hope that when I find myself in a dire situation, by my own definition, a rescue team will magically appear and sort me out, instead of seeing it is required of me to stand, sort myself out and get moving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own make belief Morality Code and the Judgement of myself if I should step out of the line of what I myself have considered Good and Bad, instead of seeing any point that comes up within the Good and Bad construct as an opportunity for me to redefine and expand beyond Good and Bad into Equality and Oneness and What is best for All

..just read today's Creation's Blog, does the Desire to Be Good belong to a Character ?
To be continued