Back to the 'apparently menial'.
My mum spent two days here, she has predictably moved into the 'You are about to go away again ' Character, 'Let's spend more time together' Character and I moved into the ''OK' Character, as a way to just go with the flow while she is here.
So tonight I was not going to write, I am tired, yet after reading the Giving Up Character Chat, I saw the whole movement, nice inviting picture presentation of an alternative to writing, desire to comply and then putting my foot down for writing because I am the One that decides.
In these 2 days an event took place twice, the same event, menial, about me feeling embarrassed when my mum checks the bill at the supermarket, it's cheap, I used to never check the bill, I was above checking the bill, but yesterday within my 'OK ' Character when she found out a mistake I went and told the lady at the cashier that there was in fact a 1 euro mistake, it felt embarrassing, I kinda hated it, just for 1 euro, the losing face point.
Today I went to buy water alone at the little Chinese supermarket, when she gave me the bill there was 2 euros discrepancy (:) better stop the exponentiality of the pattern at 2 euro, considering I am evaluating going back to business and this pattern will fuck with me royally), she made a mistake, it was clear to me without looking at the bill and so I told her, walked through the embarrassment and she corrected the bill.
The point is menial both about 1 euro and then 2 euro, it is not about the money I saved, it is about how I perceived this experience and myself within it and why I hate to speak up about a bill being wrong when it's just not been added right, it is because I fear coming out as cheap, 'all this trouble for 1/2 euros', I get my 'life read for 1/2 euros', so I went back in time within my mind and I saw that this fear is one of the product of my schizophrenia as the 'poor daughter' and the 'rich granddaughter's' Characters, as I wanted and desired to be the rich granddaughter and not the poor daughter, I wanted to copy and be like grandma who would not have checked the bills because 'she was not cheap', while in truth she just feared to be called cheap as she herself was NOT born rich, where cheapness can be shamelessly displayed because there is Money to back up someone's value/Character, only the poor, the ones that have made money just enough to get out of the survival game, no longer want to be associated with 'cheap', as in 'cheap' lie less chances to survive, to be able to care for oneself, and because 'cheap' means less valuable, someone cheap is less valuable that someone who is not.
So I fear to be cheap, to be judged as cheap, to judge myself as cheap, because if I am Cheap, if I do care about the 1/2 euro here and there it means I don't have enough money to play in the big league, that I am restrained and contained in my movements by my 'Money/Worth' and it shows the extent to which We have not only abdicated our power to Money, but Our Worth, Each Other's Worth, while we look for signs of who is Worthy within the world through the Money/Worth display of Wealth/Worth and discard every one else that can not and won't be a good investment for ourselves as the potential for Money lending, for an access to Money, for a slice of that worth that I/we covet through Money and that I would not, could not give up until I give up my Money/Value/worth perception.
Money is what we have become, we must get it, because when we do, when we see the extent in which everything we do and involve ourselves with is Money tied, than the point of Giving to everyone Equally will be the consequential step, as no one should be defined by Money as Value/Worth, and no one should live in fear of being Worthless because they are Cheap out of the condition they find themselves in.
I judged my mum as cheap when she did what I did not dare to do, coming out in the open to say that I see and realize that Money moves the world, and I will look after that 1/2 euro because it is my responsibility to take care of me and not others' responsibility to take care of me, and that I am not defined by the fact that I check a bill to see if it was added right or because I speak up to say 'you are overcharging me' as I see this world keeps running this way because when we the poor are afraid to look poor, to say I am poor, I don't have access to the Money Game, because if we do we are 'Cheap' and less valuable than others and so we fall for the fear of our own self judgement of our worthlessness instead of disengaging from the Money System as a System of Worth/Value once and for all.
None of us should ever be defined by Money, we made a mistake, took about a million wrong turns, let's out the fear to stand up and speak up, No Life is Cheap, Money makes it cheap when we accept and allow Money to become the Value Tool of existence in the name of Profit and Self Interest, yet we can return Money to its place, as a Tool for Equal Support and make Life the Value of the Earth that we abdicated when we believed that some Lives are worthier than others and some are cheaper, in fact so cheap, that we can trash them on our way out of the perceived Cheapness of Ourselves.
Will follow up tomorrow with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements.
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