Day 83: The Value (De-Value) of Memory and Feelings

I am a memory card reader.

This is how I have created myself as the Characters that I exist in and as.

What I do is, I take a picture, charge it with emotions and feelings that require for me to separate myself from me as the physical and file it as me, as a moment of my Life that defines Me.

This is how I have reduced myself to just a bunch of memories, emotions and feelings.

I have had a lot of disturbing experience with memory.

The one that kept repeating is that I do not share memories of anything with anyone else, this always carried a question as well, do we even see the same stuff when we look at something with someone else ?

I tried to reason that we must, because we can take a picture of it, yet the picture that is 'objective' doesn't prove that we are in fact seeing the same thing.

If a woman is in the picture, we will both see a woman, yet the corollary information that come up with it about it are subjective, are the sum of our existences as Characters that become activated through thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When I met Desteni, I was going through a Memory overload, I realized I felt like a computer with a full hard disk wherein everything that I saw was associated to something else, it could be minor or major as in pictures of moments or places, but I had come to full load memory association, NOTHING seemed just what it was anymore, not even the toothpaste.

I have had 'bad' memory experiences with friends and partners as well, where I discovered that each one of us had filed a moment according to who we perceived ourselves to be while filing.

Many of the memories they treasured I can't remember, when I hear 'do you remember when..' I usually get a chill down my spine, because probably, possibly, I won't. A good part of my Life I have been hovering over my own experience by being stoned most of the time, my memories of those times are crammed and jammed, like if the memory sticks were not in alignment when the filing happened, and things and people and events have been filed randomly under the most non logical/sequential triggers.

I have better memory recollection of words and what I heard than the pictorial reality, I used to pride myself that I could repeat whole speeches from the movies I loved (Character), yet in time I discovered that apart from movies, even my auditory Memory is Selective, I pick and choose what I hear and what I file according to the Character I embody and support at the moment of filing.

I am both, the Character and the supporting Crew.

Some of my partners have better memories of me/us than I have of me/us, some have them worse (not many, I tended to outdo anyone in filing the worse part of any event, just in case).

When I came back to Italy I met with one of my ex partners of over 25 years ago, he told me the great things we did togeher and how much he learned from our relationship and how wonderful it was.

I was puzzled to say the least. We used to fight all the time and our relationship ended tragically after I left him telling him I was pregnant with someone else's child (my ex husband to be).

So, there were objective points that he could have filed to just delete me and just remember me as a bitch, but he did not, as he was 25 years older and I was possibly his last chance at his 'being in Love' Character, so he did not file a better story for me, he wanted to preserve a better story for himself, something that he could use to define himself as I file according to what I need to define myself.

Is there ever anything objective in reality when the people apparently 'living reality' are lost within Character plays and keep switching from One personality to the next, never being accountable for any of them because We Just Forget who we were when we committed to something or someone, it just takes a thought and, when not enough, a string of others, to lead us to the personality/Character that we need to embody next, to just have the upper hand, we have trained ourselves to move so smoothly between Characters that we ourselves would have never noticed, unless one day, we did .

So, Memories as the source of Characters that hold and generate specific feelings and emotions, generated by the Characters and belonging to the Characters we embody who are themselves based on memories that we have filed as Real, as WHO we really are.

And so when I/We say 'respect my beliefs/opinions, feelings and emotions', what I am/we are really saying is respect my Character, I have not attempted to take your Character down, WHY ARE YOU ? 

WHY ARE DOING THIS TO ME ?

Which is something I have actually said, blaming another for NOT giving credit to My Character, Look, BeLieve ME, I know what I said or did in the past, but it's different now (I am in  another Character), if you BeLieve me this time everything will be different, I know, I have changed (Character), this time I won't fuck up, I am wearing my Reliable Character, can't you SEE ?

Respect my feelings, let me be, let me pretend I am the Character that has these set of feelings and emotions, don't knock it down, I am not ready, I don't have another Character lined up yet, I'm too much in Character at the moment, so, this is the only thing I ask of You, support, support my Character so that if we really try, we may both BeLieve I  am real and You are Real Too, while the reel keeps running to capture the next moments that we can add as support to our Characters, feelings and emotions, to make it All More Solid and Real.

Or we can STOP and become Self Honest through a Journey, walking ourselves back to Nothingness, stopping All and Every Character we Play to come back Here, as Life, for ourselves and What is best for All as All as Existence, Equal and One. Join us.