Day 293: People Pleaser - Character

I have skipped writing for a few days. I have missed it.

I had a guest and then my mother came.

I have noticed that when there is people around I give up writing, I give up me basically.

The guest was my ex, I had a lot of time during the day to write but I didn't because I was busy keeping myself stable, haha, meaning walking a tightrope that ended feeling like walking inside a narrow corridor where on both sides there were doors that if opened would swallow me.

Did it work? No.

Because I could have sat down to write about what I was experiencing instead of  trying to wrestle it all inside my mind, which did not work and ended in accumulation that eventually blew into resorting to my usual behaviors, just because it was easier to walk a Character than to explore being Here Character-less in the face of having to relate to others, in the specific my top 2 entries in my world of misunderstandings and suppression.

Another reason I saw about why I did not want to write is because I took writing as a 'therapy' that proves I am not so  'normal' because 'normal' people don't need therapy, they just manage their lives effectively, lots of beliefs that have to do with how I relate to others, fear of judgements and my definition of writing as 'therapy' vs writing as an expression of who I am.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear sitting down and writing when people are around because I fear their judgement of me as a 'nutcase' instead of pushing myself through my resistance because I have created amazing support for myself so far through writing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when people are around, consider their potential reactions/comments before the support I can give myself through writing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchats about writing, giving writing a meaning as 'therapy' and within this accepting that I am a nutcase that needs writing as a way to defuse my potential blow ups instead of seeing realizing and understanding that the 'nutcase' is just a character I give in to please others, so I could offer a definition that would show that I accepted all the blame for everything that did not work in my communication and my way of relating to them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating with others in self honesty and instead of pushing through the resistance, to accept my limitation as fear of expressing myself and what is going on with me and what I see could support me - such as writing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not important because my interactions with others define me and are themselves  defined by their positive feedback for which I change and adapt to make sure I please them when they are around me, so I can be pleased in return through their approval of me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not give to myself time to write as a way of caring for myself and taking responsibility for myself 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define writing as a task, as something that is on my 'to do' list of things I have to accomplish during the day as I see, realize and understand that when I define writing as an obligation, when I feel under pressure for other obligations I will let it go, drop it as I attempt to make space between my perceived obligations for myself instead of seeing and realizing that writing is not my obligation but my self support and that all the more when I perceive myself under stress or pressure that would be the time to sit down and write to avoid accumulation of energetic reactions and their unavoidable consequences

I commit myself to, when people are around, to make the time to write and push through my resistances to do so until writing is one and equal with who I am and not something separate

I commit myself to stop defining writing as a task I have to do, an obligation, a therapy as any definition separates me from writing as who I am as a tool for self support to stop my participation in and as the Mind and return myself Here to the physical, in and as Breath.

Related articles

• 142- Learning How to be Self Directive as the Journey to Life
• Day 184 - Self-Created Desperation

Day 292: The Dignity of Suicide vs The Shame of Poverty?

A few more senseless suicides in the Land of "La Dolce Vita' - heard about them? 

Certainly not, suicides are not the kind of News we want to broadcast, they spoil the images we want to project about Dream countries and Dream lives that just a bunch have access to - Suicides put the Bitter in the Sweetness of 'La Dolce Vita' and we want to prevent that, bad for the economy, bad for our image, there is nothing to gain from it, basically it's just bad - without a Profit.

A couple of pensioners have hanged themselves in their garage in the region of Marche in Italy, the news said they decided to take their life in their garage because that's where their most prized possession was, their Fiat Panda, somehow, it made sense to them.

The grief stricken brother of the woman, unable to overcome the loss, threw himself into the sea and drowned.

The News are highlighting the "dignity" of this couple, they never asked for money to anyone or for help, because they had "too much dignity" - to let everyone know about their Poverty.

He was unemployed,  at 62 unable to find a job in construction -the only thing he was good at, and she was on a 500 euro a month pension, it was not enough to pay the rent and feed themselves, so they just saw as their only solution to end their lives. With 'Dignity'.

One aspect of all this story left me wondering, if it's true that Money doesn't equal Life, why would people with no Money perceive themselves as worthless and their life as meaningless - and if Money is what gives Dignity to Life due to all the crap we bought into, wouldn't it be the most normal thing to allow access to this Vital "Dignifying" Resource to everybody until we can sort ourselves out - because there is something very wrong with believing that Life has value only in the measure that it can be valued through a Money tag, why isn't Life price-less?

And what is all this congratulatory wave about people who commit suicide vs asking for help, do we in fact prefer that the ones that can't make it just leave the stage, with "dignity", so we won't be forced to confront the shame of poverty and how we are deliberately not wanting to face the issue of Poverty as our collective responsibility?

Has "Dignity" become the reward, the medal we give to those who don't make any trouble, who accept the rule of this system all the way to their death vs stealing to eat or robbing a bank - thanks for not bothering anybody, if you die quietly we'll give you the "Dignity' we denied to you in Life, just don't make a big deal out of your 'grand finale' - and they did not, they were found in the morning hanged (cool way to go, clean, no mess, no noise) next to a note 'Please Forgive Us' - amazing.

Despair is everywhere, people in Bulgaria are having prayers to end the rise in suicides and the widespread despair - that will surely help...

Hasn't anyone noticed that Poverty has not ended ever no matter how many people prayed -and preyed, for it? Do we have a deadline after which we give up on God and start doing something and if we do have such a deadline, can we make it known so everyone who suffers can become aware of how long they have to wait  for the delusion to end and can set up their own Advent calendar, like for Christmas, with little paper windows behind which every day an image of hope tells them a solution is coming, and on day 24, at midnight, we can birth to life Jesus words and give to each other what we would like to receive. That would be nice.

Equal Money is a solution that doesn't require Faith nor prayers, it is in fact the end of the preying on those that did not have the stomach or the opportunity to do what is required to do to make it in this system,  it is the understanding that as the problem we can become the solution, that we can stand together and redefine what Money is, as a tool at the service of Life and then get on with using it that way, serving All Life Equally, redistributing access to the world resources to all, because Life is on sale, we know we have put a price tag on life, we know as well that we don't value each Life the same way, I read an article about 'Condolence Payments', it is even ridiculous to write it, those are the payments made to the 'victims of wars' -see what we do- we call people murdered in wars that we wage for resources 'victims', this way we elicit the image of people who 'happened to get killed' in a worthy cause as collateral damage, accidents on a path we seem to be unwilling to leave - and instead of redesigning the world, we redesign the words we use to create a buffer between what we do and our responsibility, our accountability, shit happens (by itself ), our language has adapted to explain this, we use grammar 'impersonally', so 'one' never has to feel the Shame of the world we have created.

Vietnam, Afghanistan, Yemen, Somalia, there isn't 'One' taking these countries on, there is US, criminals  waging war against humanity and many other living beings standing in the way of Money and Profit.

Given our intentions it was fitting that we should price humans as cheaply as possible, we use humans  like transports, to go places, we have first class, business and coach, which is not set by the value of what we envision we'll be able to steal from them but the value they would be able to claim for themselves, in a world where there is no Justice settling the record straight, or media making their stories known, but a faceless corporate world that like us, exists unaccountably, "One" could say that "One" believes a murder can be set with a condolence or Solatia payment and "One" could claim that Life has officially been set at the market price of anything from 1000 USD to 5000 (but Life is even cheaper when the payment for it doesn't have to come under the scrutiny of the public) but as Gordon-Bray said:

“It’s hard to digest that the value of a human life is a few thousand dollars,” said Gordon-Bray, the general in Iraq. “But you know that in their economic situation, it is the equivalent of much more, and you feel better.”

So, we are not in fact admitting to any wrong doing and trying to restore justice (money vs life - one of our perverted ideas of justice), nope, we buy the peace of mind of the soldiers, a small price to pay for wars that cost in the region of billion of dollars, let's face it, we invest in Death, not in Life.

This is what we could do with the money we spent for one of the last wars - from Wikipedia

Based on National Priorities Project Cost of War concept, American Friends Service Committee (AFSC) launched an exhibit title titled "Cost of War" in May 2007, at the close of the National Eyes Wide Open Exhibit. 

It features ten budget trade-offs displayed on 3x7 foot full-color vinyl banners. AFSC uses to cost of the Iraq War estimated by economists Linda Bilmes and Joseph Stiglitz in the article "Economic Costs Of The Iraq War:

An Appraisal Three Years After The Beginning Of The Conflict", written in January 2006 that estimates the total daily cost of the Iraq War at $720 million.  

AFSC uses The National Priorities Project's per unit costs for human needs such as health care and education to make budget comparisons between the U.S. budget for human needs to "One Day of the Iraq War". The ten banners read: One Day of the Iraq War = 720 Million Dollars, How Would You Spend it?

 

One Day of the Iraq War = 84 New Elementary Schools

One Day of the Iraq War = 12,478 Elementary School Teachers

One Day of the Iraq War = 95,364 Head Start Places for Children

One Day of the Iraq War = 1,153,846 Children with Free School Lunches

One Day of the Iraq War = 34,904 Four-Year Scholarships for University Students

One Day of the Iraq War = 163,525 People with Health Care

One Day of the Iraq War = 423,529 Children with Health Care

One Day of the Iraq War = 6,482 Families with Homes

One Day of the Iraq War = 1,274,336 Homes with Renewable Energy

It is sad to have to  point out the obvious to an 'Eyes Wide Shut' Humanity, until there is a war in the world, we are investing in Death, if you want to turn the table and invest in Life, a whole system change will be required, we have a proposal, have a look at it, consider the benefits, the kind of world we could have if we stopped our "Human Race" for Profit and turned ourselves into a Humane HumanKind, we can put Life back at the centre of every equation and stop the Shame we live as, the Shame is not Poverty, it is the allowance of Poverty, we have shifted the blame on the poor for their condition so they would take the Shame of it too - but we know it was a clever miss-placement, that Shame belongs to us ALL, Equally, and should be distributed as unequally as the resources of the planet, those who have more, more Shame, just because we have more means to do more and are so far still doing nothing.

Stand up for Life, a new world is possible, we just have to decide we want it and make it happen.

Cast your vote for Life @ #EqualMoney,  Now.

Related articles

• Bulgaria prays to end suicides
• Bulgaria Holds Prayers to End Suicides and Despair
• "on living with dignity in china"
• Day 286: 'Le Havre' - The Poetry in Poverty?
• Bulgarian President Moves to Curb Suicide Wave with Prayer
• Three days of public prayers in Bulgaria
• Suicides in Italy linked to economic woes
• La Dolce Vita 2012
• Triple suicide triggered by economic struggle shocks Italy
• What Is The True Cost Of The Iraq And Afghan Wars?

Day 291: Understanding & Facing Consequences

Facing Consequences

I have spent 5 days on and off with my ex, tension started only on day 4 when we comfortably slipped into old behavioral patterns of irritation and recrimination.

When he said 'it's so unpleasant talking to you' I brushed it off, but later when I shared this point with my buddy as I walked backwards those 5 days to see how I accumulated frustration that then blew up in a modest quarrel that I dragged over into the relationship with my mother, that point made me cry and then it made me sob uncontrollably.

Partly because it was like someone said 'I had not changed' but mostly because I believed it and felt the despair of how will I even walk out of that particular relationship. And it's just One point of the many to correct.

Then my buddy said 'understand you are walking consequences, breathe, bring yourself back here and if you need to cry, if the tears are there, do'. But they were not, they were exhausted at the first sobbing and thanks to one of the last interviews I listened to by Anu -which was specifically about Consequences and how to face them, I was not as scared about walking through them as I used to be.

I was still not clear about how I created those consequences as I still held a belief of consequences being like Karma, like a punishment, vs being just the consequential sequence of event that I set in motion through my participation in and as the mind.

So when my buddy said 'it is the result of yours and your ex's backchats about each other that has piled up over time into an energetic entity that now can take you over and throw you around, the penny finally dropped. Aaahhh, but of course, I had truckloads of backchats about my ex, that was when consequence became clear, I was riding the energetic pattern that I had woven for myself, one thought at the time, one suppressed emotion at the time, that was why at one point I found myself in familiar unpleasant ground, the energetic entity came up and I did not make the self directive decision to not participate, instead I wore the costume of the frustrated wife/ex wife Character offered and walked the well known path of 'who I had been/believed to be" within this specific relationship.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as soon as I realized I was living out a familiar pattern, instead of breathing and bringing myself back here and not allow myself to participate, move into thinking 'I have not changed' as the reason why I could not do anything different but ride the energetic experience of frustration and irritation because I gave in to the belief that I was not in control

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt frustrated and irritated, instead of realizing I was riding the consequences of what I had already built in the past through backchat and my participation in and as the mind, move into further backchat, creating additional consequences that I have laid out for myself to live in the future 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to live out everything and anything that comes up as consequence as a sort of punishment for what I have participated in, instead of just stopping my participation wherever I find myself along my self pre-designed, pre-woven path through breathing and stabilizing myself in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the topic of some relationships being the ultimate test of self forgiveness to keep for later in my process came up in my private chat with B&S, to flash the memory of Anu speaking about how we were engineered to mate with people with whom we would have the maximum friction for energy creation and within that thought/memory to feel enraged at the idea that I have been a puppet designed to be used and triggered on and off to just serve a system I can't remember I have participated in creating

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move into self victimization about what happened to me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I was waking the consequences of what I myself created through my own participation in and as the Mind which I am more than capable to face and transcend

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel enraged and saddened about this Creation and how far we took the abuse of each other, projecting my rage onto the Creators of such a cruel and sadistic system when in fact I was enraged with myself for having participated all the way up to here which is another point I have used to give up my power to stand up as I accept the idea and belief that something was done onto me vs me being the Creator of my life experience and everything that I experience within and as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my ex was here, sabotage myself by comparing myself and how I was treated in my relationship with how I perceived he treated his new partner and feeling belittled by the fact he seems to be doing better with her than he did with me - which is just an interpretation of my mind for the purpose of self diminishment by using a perception of being the victim of an injustice as I deliberately picked and mixed the good bits of what I saw and heard, discarding all the other parts such as outspoken backchats, judgements and the same stuff that was going on with me that I overlooked on purpose because acknowledging reality was not functional to my desire to be the victim of the situation nor having been a special part of his life, but just the same as his new partner and I rather be special and stand out in the experience of condescension than seeing myself as equal in dysfunctional treatment

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up an idea about what process is and the kind of person that should result out of such a process, such as a 'holier than thou' personality, all accepting, all embracing, when in fact this idea clashes with this physical reality and what I will have to do to take on every single abuse and abusive stance both from myself and others which may mean I might not be nice at times as in 'system acceptable' and I must be Ok with this and I will be OK with this only if I don't make up ideas, beliefs and opinions about what some kind of character/personality resulting from process should be like, as that would end up standing in the way of who I must be in each and every moment of breath as self expression with only one purpose which is to realign myself to oneness and equality and what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and hurt when my ex said 'it is so unpleasant talking to you' because I felt I should have been the one saying that and didn't and as I gave up a chance to hurt him when I had the right to, because he is REALLY unpleasant to talk to, instead of seeing and realizing I was taking our habitual pattern play out personally - believing that what he said was true just because I could use this point to engage my backchat about him being a real asshole and myself being right in an attempt to not feel diminished while I failed to see that I could have just noticed what he said, not take it personally and see that we were moving into the usual pattern of trying to score over one another and not participate, not in defeat as I did, but as a choice I exercised as self directive principle of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he left -even though I saw I should not have called my mother because I was in a reactive state, to call anyway, sure that she would provide a reason for me to be 'rightly' upset, which she did, and for then making her the source of my irritation as I wanted to dismiss and brush off what happened with my ex in fear that I would tell myself 'I have not changed' just because I had a slip and within this for judging myself as bad and ineffective, attempting to invalidate everything I have done so far so I would have an excuse to why I can't change since I proved that I did not change instead of acknowledging I have changed and had a slip and it's enough to stand up from here, self correct and keep walking

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe the feedback of someone who told me I should see my ex to test my application, when in fact I did not want to see my ex but this feedback matched  my belief of the kind of person I should build myself to be, all loving, all accepting, all embracing which is just another character, the 'post process Character' which is but another limitation and definition of myself as I should be/become, that stands in the way of me being here and self expressing in self trust in every moment of breath

When and as I See myself moving or about to move into self judgement about where I am in my process of self correction, I stop, breathe, do not accept myself to cast sentences on me as the ties that I will have to work through as ConSequences of what I accept and allow myself to define myself as

When and as I See myself moving or about to move into despair because I want to give in to  the belief that I have not changed and hence I should give up, I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to give into despair as that is just an attempt of me as the mind to  make me believe I can't change and I have to give up and I do not accept or allow me as the mind to dictate who I am and what I can or can't do

When and as I see myself facing the consequences of what I have created through my participation in back chats, thoughts, emotions and feeling, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am just walking through consequences and that I can remain stable as it is not the consequences of what I live that determine/define who I am but I am the one that decides and I decide I can walk through consequence and use the consequences as an opportunity to self correct in and as the stability of breath

I commit myself to no longer fear facing the consequences of what I have created, to accept where I am unconditionally and commit myself to walk through everything that I created in misalignment as Ego and self interest to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All, for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• Waking up from the Consciousness Dream world: DAY 335
• Day 343: The Internet is the Global Mind (Part 2)
• Day 135 - Seeing the Reflection of Myself
• Day 314: Applied Behavior Analysis & the Process of Self-Forgiveness in Consequentially Affecting Positive Change

Day 290: The Elite - Idiot Savants of the NWO

I have been catching up with the latest news about what is going on in the world - why we call them news when they are just a repeat of the 'news' we have been reading for centuries is beyond me, we should call them 'same old same old' -: exploitation, abuse, corruption, environmental problems, slavery in all its forms.

Interestingly the day I started to write this, Common Dreams published an article called  "Capitalism as Psychosis", so it is becoming increasingly clear that supporting this system shows we have Mental problems, the bigger the Money we are making out of it, the bigger the Mental Issues because we live as if there was no consequence to our behavior while we exist just for the happy piling up of Money which is just Life Resources in disguise.

For sure we are up for an ingenuity prize, we have been incredibly creative in finding new ways to make things worse - as we put Profit at the centre of everything we did and do, we ended up with a world that has long forgotten that we need what is Here to Live, we don't have a Choice about what we save, the planet and Life and our asses or our make belief money in the Bank, instead we told ourselves we did and should go for our right to Free Choice and have been gingerly going for grabbing all we could squeeze out of each other and every entrepreneurship we came up with, just because we -erroneously- believed we could.

I spent a few days with someone who spoke about this system as 'the best we can do, not perfect but evolving to correct its flaws'.

I had a similar conversation on Quora, with a gentleman who insisted I am out of touch with reality because this world is Fine, I just need a little Faith, the understanding that we should go for natural selection of the weakest being dumped out of the system while I should take notice that when he was a boy scout he could live off the land, rubbing sticks for fire and eating berries and roots, the proof that anyone has access to everything they need, they are just Lazy for not getting into 'boyscout mode' and moving along.

I used to get very annoyed listening to the stance that "we are just evolving, yes conceded, we are making a few mistakes here and there but the Truth is, we are correcting them too", but the point is that this view is so common we really have to give up the habit of getting annoyed or we wouldn't be doing anything else - as getting annoyed would in fact take up all of our time and then some, plus what is getting annoyed going to solve?

Can we get annoyed with someone who says 1 billion people dying of starvation is the planet and nature self regulating when we know that Poverty is Man Made and an obvious System Flaw we don't want to own up to, or that 2.5 billion people don't have access to sanitation and have to discuss that we can't decide for them if they want a toilet at home or who says they would like to have running water - is it so difficult to apply to others what we would like for ourselves, can we say 'they like to walk 10 miles to the river and carry 30 litres buckets of dirty polluted water, it's their exercise, they are healthier than we are, who are we to say how they should live?' and even believe it? 

Then by the same token who are we to say how they should NOT live, why not open up same choices to all and then let anyone decide which means stopping to superimpose all our romantic ideas about poverty or what poverty is on Poverty and just correct the system to stop Poverty because no one enjoys it -no matter what we say and preach and what kind of back up we look for to show THEY Do, They have The Freedom to be Poor vs asking why isn't everybody in the world having access to clean water as a Human Right and, what is WRONG with proposing to build a world that guarantees this for All, really?

Isn't it obvious we are brain damaged by a Propaganda that we then hold on to because it excuses us from having to do something about it all?

So, do not get mad, keep writing to expose that something is not right, despite those that want to show us  that we are wrong, that we just lack faith in humanity, lack the vision, have funny beliefs about understanding the system when in truth we don't - yet insisting that the evidence of the world 'supports the point that all is fine' it's psychotic and no matter what we say to prove why a change is not required, the aspect of our psychotic world is not going away nor it will be proven not required just because

• many tried before and failed
• because this system is not so bad after all - it could be worse
• because at least we now have the freedom to criticize it (my very favorite)
• because we are free to work to get on top.

Those arguments are middle class arguments - they belong to those that have been sold such beliefs and have just looked for back ups to support them, Ayn Rand or others that promoted the 'goodness' of a free market economy and having to leave everyone 'foolish and hungry' enough to want to climb to the top are the means to an end of justifications and excuses about why we don't face the one point that is the core of it all ' do we think our lives are worth more than others?'. 

And if we do, how come we don't see we are basing the value of life on Money, either owned or the potential to earn it - how is this NOT a mental ill-ness?

Old and apparently new business models, which become 'models' when those sharing 'made it' are considered through the assumption that the 'winners' applied a model that worked, this can be seen clearly in Asia, where some roads have their shops all selling the same things - it would seem idiotic anywhere else but not in the business world of the poor climbing up, unwilling to take risks they can't afford and concluding that "if my neighbor sells screws and made money, I am going to open a screw shop" - whole roads filled with screw shops take form, we believe the 'model' worked vs considering that the one who made it was just lucky by design because that would blow up in our face together with all ideas about 'merit' and having deserved what we have.

But for the Elite, those that seem to us all powerful and mighty that are knowingly and deliberately sacrificing the world and its resources for Profit, believing that when they will have a stack of Money reaching all the way to the sky -they will be safe, they must be aware that this world is getting to a point of fuckedupness beyond repair, they are in fact planning to leave it all behind and move to Mars, we pay for those exploration trips through the tax system but we are not part of "Operation Mars" because no matter how hard the slaves worked to build this world, those on top, the most brain damaged of us all, see the slaves as their burden and the reason that stands between them and absolute bliss, the parasites of society that won't be required in a New World Order that this time -they think - they will design perfectly, flawless and they won't fuck it up like this one, no sir, they will set rules and regulation in place from the get go like, no trash in space, no chewing gums -like in Singapore, no smoking, no GMO, only vegans etc. they will have a clear plan to make it all work, but what about our need to be 'more' than others, what if they won't leave THAT one behind?

Shall they try the little Slavery Number with each other, as we proved we need the people at the bottom to give worth and value to those at the top, how is a world with only those on top going to work, who will be pushed at the bottom for our dreams of power and all-mightiness?

So, we can see how the idiot savants that engineered a world they no longer like and don't know how to stop, keep overlooking practical points, one is what to do with a herd of blood thirsty consumers now that they have set out to consume it all - they didn't see THIS ONE coming, that those at the bottom would consume everything and shit out Money for them, it's the point of 'consuming everything' that went slightly overlooked with  the inevitable consequence of such a creation that got out of hand while the money piled up, can we now use Money to buy back what we had? NO, so have we sold out to Money what was Really valuable in exchange for NOTHING, sold out to an idea that doesn't have enough substance to put the substance back where we took it from and the correction of which will require our united effort that will have to go way BEYOND Money, back to what is valuable for real, LIFE, which was given to all living beings Equally to prove our Equal Value and Worth as Life - Not as Money, so can we not see that Inequality can only exist due to a misplacement of Real Worth and Value onto an Imaginary collectively agreed mean of exchange, we gave up Life for Energy/Money, real dumb, but this can be changed.

The consequences we are facing are a diminishment of our clean water supply, polluted almost un-breathable air -for which we increased our level of tolerance both physically and in environmental measurements - but no solutions have been engineered yet around how to skip our -commercially unreasonable- need to breathe, the planet we poisoned will bear fruits the children of the poor & those of the rich will be served with, and the money required as a buffer to separate some from the misery of this world will increase exponentially and then there won't be enough money to separate the creators from the created and we'll end up all together in the deep shit we have overlooked as the con-sequence of what we did, without considering the Oneness of the Whole. 

That will be our first glimpse at Equality, Equally living out the consequences of what we created and allowed to exist with our permission.

We can't ask the Elite to fix what we have done, either directly or through our acceptance and allowance, idiot savants only do well one thing, what they do well we have seen, they make money/profit, what they have not yet reconciled with is the consequences of making money without consideration for anything else, so we can let go of the idea that there is a Secret World Gang organizing our demise, they don't need such thing, we are the ones who are walking our own self destruction in our uppity stance that 'it's the 1% that has to fix this mess, because they are the ones who created it', they can't snap out of this Profit delusion and work to restore what we have collectively damaged, the more Money you have, the bigger the hole you have dug for yourself without considering that you were pulling on the resources designed for the common good, in the dis-guise of Money, and it will be up to us to stand to correct this world by stopping the common idiocy that took us here creating instead a common sense symbiotic system that considers all its parts as Equally important and Worthy to be cared for.

Join Equal Money, the future of this World is Here, we are The Only Ones missing so far.

Related articles

• Directive Dynamics For New World Order
• Realizing the Extent of the Problem - Day 303
• Day 306: How The Rich Drive Poverty
• Day 333: The Jesus Message is Not a Religious Message
• Day 334: Consequence and the Soul
• Day 282: Is Economics a Dangerous Cult?
• Day 261: You Can't understand Equal Money? You are So Predictable
• Day 286: 'Le Havre' - The Poetry in Poverty?
• Is Positive Propaganda the Solution? - Day 327

Day 289: Correcting triggers in communication

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked for my idea, opinion, suggestion and I offer one/some, to go into a reaction when my idea/opinion/suggestion is voted down for a few times as if that defined my idea/opinion/suggestion as worthless and as such 'me' as worthless - not good enough.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when what I offer in terms of ideas, opinions/ suggestions is not valued, considered as I have connected what my mind generates as characters and personality as valuable and as a measure of who I am and what my value/worth is

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when interacting with my ex h. specifically, react to the rejection of my ideas/opinions and suggestions as I take the rejections personally, as if there was something wrong with me for being unable to come up with the 'right' idea/ suggestion/opinion that can be valued and appreciated as I have connected what I come up with as Ideas/opinions/suggestions to who I really am and not just a product of my Mind as Characters/personality and as such - of no value

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I allow myself to be triggered into this specific well plaid out pattern, to bring up all the past times in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed off to prove that 'see, is is not me being unreasonable, it's HIM, he always does that to annoy me - and why the fuck does he even ask then - why can't he debate himself instead of seeking for reasons to debate 'me'?"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with the Nth time pattern play out, to scan my memory for reasons to prove I am right and he is wrong, because I was going about my day without any reaction and THEN he came along and started this BS playout of asking me something just so he can say 'no, because', instead of seeing and realizing I am just reacting because I have layered and accumulated energy regarding this point and now as soon as the pattern starts I allow myself to board the not-so-merry go round to the end, until I can blame Him for how I feel about playing something out over and over again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I see this pattern starting and having accepted and allowed myself to believe I can't stop it, simply because I AM RIGHT, to not stop and just tell myself I am no longer participating in this pattern and use breath to defuse the energy build up that comes up as a result of having played the same game over and over again instead of allowing myself to go with the flow because I can always excuse myself that 'I was not the one who started this' and as such I carry no responsibility for my participation - which is just an excuse to not stop participating because there is a pay back with making my ex h. wrong and myself right - which is the energy ride I get to experience, no matter if it feels good or bad, it's still better that not feeling anything at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex h. for how repulsed I am at the idea of another relationship, making him responsible for my repulsion/revulsion vs looking at why I have created this veil of disgust toward relationship as a way to not face my fear of failure in relationship and myself as the problem within relationship, the one who has something wrong, a crazy slant for which I fear entering relationships in case I get all worked up all over again and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is something wrong/bad with me for how I have handled myself so far within relationships, instead of seeing and realizing I have never even been here, but just acting out characters and personalities that do not define who I am, unless I accept and allow this to be so

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to bury vast amounts of rage regarding my ex h. in separation from myself, not wanting to own up to them because I believed I couldn't, because I perceived him many times as better than me, calmer than me, handled points in a wiser manner than me, and since I was not therefore entitled to this anger against him, I just disowned it and used it as a lid to cover up the other stuff that lays as the fuel of my behavior within our relationship - and within this for holding on to rage for who I have been and what I accepted and allowed myself to become within my relationships with partners as a replica of what I witnessed and internalized within my family

to be continued

Related articles

• Day 246 - Being Here for Me
• Day 279: I Can't Hear You because I insist on Being Me
• Day 221 - Resistance in Facing this Relationship Point

Day 288: Looking at Taking Things Personally

Today I spoke to my ex h., he asked if he can stay at my place for Easter because one of his aunts died and he is coming to see the family.

I said 'of curse course, you are always welcome' - and of course I didn't mean it.

I wish I did, I wish I was that kind of woman that would really say 'you are welcome' and mean it, specifically to him because as we say 'much water has gone under the bridge' and yet obviously - not enough.

Anyway, there is a specific reason I am clear about regarding why I felt I was not happy to see him and I may work on it in private, but what I want to write about today is this trigger that still works between us.

It goes like this

he asks for my advice or an idea or what food we should eat - and I make a suggestion, and he then goes on to say 'NO' and explain why my suggestion is wrong.

I had almost forgotten about this because I wrote a lot of SF on my relationship, but today as I did not see the trigger coming s I basked in the delusion that I was done with our misunderstandings, he asked me an idea about a business, I gave one, he proceeded on our usual track to explain why it was NOT a good idea, I explained the whole sides of it, which he proceeded to debate and THEN, an the tenth 'NO' I saw the trigger but it was too late, because I was already reacting with the usual 'why the fuck ask me then - if you have an answer why not go with your answer instead of using me to bounce off how clever you are to see all the whys what I said will not work', this was just backchat, not shared, but from there I saw myself move into the Ironic Character, and I had to repeatedly stop myself and delete all the jokes I wrote because they were not humorous, they were 'gotcha' jokes - my way of evening out the ledger.

When we do "ideas" the trigger is not too strong - I was once given a key about him from a girlfriend that worked with NLP, she told me he is a "faulfinder by profession" and he doesn't mean anything PERSONALLY. So it is about taking something personally again, feeling diminished because my idea and hence myself was not good enough.

It gets worse with restaurants, because I have a belief that if you ask, you must sincerely not know what you want to eat, so why it only becomes clear that you don't want to eat Chinese, Japanese, Turkish, Indian, Italian - just after I say it, this is harder to believe, so I always interpret this point as the 'desire to pick a fight', today we treaded lightly the food point and I was vague because I had seen myself wearing my little fuchsia battle helmet for 'rejected ideas' and I was not stable enough to walk the food trigger.

As well there is a deep seated anger about relationships that is triggered when we talk but it's deep deep, like a blame I don't even want to admit to myself -that it is because of him that the idea of a relationship is now revolting to me, vs taking responsibility for how I end up feeling within a relationship that made me design this revolting point as a screen to cover up the fear that I may be the problem of relationships and that I should no longer chance one, least I have to face this point once more, and so, blaming him it's all too easy, so easy in fact that I deny doing it and then bury the whole story 6 feet under, never deep enough to not fear it may all raise its ugly head again and so the rage that boils up from all of that, the rage is the dragon I have put to guard that secret, the rage is the the lid, so when I see the rage potential I won't go and dig into what is really going on there and how to dig it all out to self correct.

Tomorrow I will look into this point to clear myself and see if for once I can enjoy this visit and the time we have to spend together.

 
Process Instructions @ Desteni

Related articles

• Day 288: Earth your Energy for Enlightenment
• 128 - Part 7 - Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot
• 129 - Part 8: Correcting the Reactions
• Day 347: What can I get out of this?

Day 287: The Value of Life = Money?

As we exchanged opinions on Quora, it became clear we don't understand, perceive or share the principle that All Life has Equal Worth.

What is the system that we have used so far to establish the value of Life?

Is there one we are not aware of that we have just internalized and now we can't see anymore clearly and so we are not aware of what we are using as the measure for the worth of Life?

Sure there is, it's Money.

I have a vague memory of being real young and discovering that insurance companies would not pay up the same price for Life policies of different people, I don't remember this point striking me as odd, on the contrary, I remember that when my mum explained to me the WHY as in 'if the person that dies was a doctor, the insurance would pay more due to what we would call 'Loss of potential Earnings' and that would be calculated on a Life time earnings that had been missed out on due to death'.

It made perfect sense. Which means that I had already internalized the value of human life equivalent to Money or to Money earning potential. (Ogden Tables - how insurances evaluate the worth of a Life)

So back a few more years, I am in kindergarten and my mum bought a black and white TV for my school, I received public recognition and an applause, that felt damn good, so it could have been then that I made this connection - giving something to people that I can Buy will give me value as recognition of generosity and of a good character, hence I developed a liking for giving, not devoid of self interest of course, I would be cashing in the good feelings coming from the gratefulness and happiness of others.

Same time more or less, my grandparents always insisting in buying me the 'best available in any shop', watching the shop attendants scuttle around to please them, equating buying power with power and people with more buying power to MORE, desiring to have more buying power than others to be able to access this more-ness to compensate for sure my not-enough-ness.

Special events spent at my grandparents home, display of treats as special food that was not available in my mother's home, more 'joy' due to drinking and overeating, connecting joy to having more to share with others, being the bringer of treats and special foods to a table to make people happy, money as a way to induce good feelings in people, the ones with more money able to induce more good feelings in others, bringers of joy and as such more valuable than the poor that had nothing to add to the life of another in terms of things, defining the worth of life through the worth of things one is able to afford and share.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not enough and I had to find ways to up my worth by subscribing to an external value/worth system, such as the Money system

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe and subscribe to the belief that some lives are worth more than others just because insurance companies have set up tables defining the value of life as 'potential missed earnings' which means according to the profession and relative remuneration of each one, vs an Equal Value of Life for All, seeing, realizing and understanding that life can't be and should not be defined by the potential to earn money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that, if the worth of a Life was connected to the ability to earn Money, Life itself was tied into a monetary value/worth, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Money is what we are worth and that our capacity/ability to generate a wage is what gave meaning and value to our life, which is why I still meet with people who hold this belief as a reminder that this belief exists one and Equal within me and is in need to be corrected and realigned to Oneness and Equality returning worth and value to Life itself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define the value of life as more or less according to what one can BUY for another, instead of seeing and realizing that the whole point of some being able to buy something for someone who doesn't have access to the same benefit, is just a sign of unequal distribution of resources and of value tied in to money/resources and that we should work together to change the distribution of resources to Equality and not benefit from having more than others as a way to have more value/power than any other in the world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a kid and I was catered for by shop assistants who could assess at a glance my grandparents buying power, to feel special and more than others who did not have access to the same "Best" I had access to, and within this for desiring to keep this "Best" advantage going for myself as a way to be more than others in value/worth

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I would have to ever swap place with those who had less, I would have to feel diminished by having to accept the charity of others who were in a position of superior buying power than the one I had, because I diminished others inside of me when I could find out they did not have my same buying power as I did not recognize the value of Life as One and Equal for All but connected to what one could afford to show their value/worth

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the worth of Life with what kind of table displays I could set up and share with others as a statement of my superior value/worth as I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fancy table displays of my grandparents with joy and happiness due to overeating and over drinking, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have more value and worth than others in being the dispenser of such happy moments that others could not offer to me due to our discrepancy in access to food choices due to Money Inequality

I commit myself to, when I come face to face with others who hold a specific Life/Money conversion table, to investigate within myself how and if I am participating in the same constructs and if I am, to correct myself to let go my acquired beliefs, opinions and ideas about what makes a Life worthy, to return to Life its own intrinsic Value that I misplaced on things and symbols in separation from myself as Life

I commit myself to investigate the points in which I still perceive I give myself a superior value using things and symbols in separation from myself and when I find any, to self correct myself to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All

I commit myself to stand unconditionally for an Equal Money System to create a world of Equals where Life is the only Value we all Equally share to guarantee a dignified Life for All and the end of all abuses and crimes against Life to ensure that those born after us won't have to face such a world where Life has gone on sale for the imaginary value of a make belief Monetary System as the Key to the Vital resources we should all Equally share.

Heaven on Earth for All is possible - we  just have to decide to change and change the world with us, as us - after death we'll be dead, and so far there have been zero intervention from the other side, what if the power to change existed only within The Physical while we are Alive? Should we wait to die to find out?