Day 313: MEAN-ing-FULL Relationships

OK, so facing this repetitive pattern specifically with men.

In the past when I had a relationship, began one or was about to, I would always look for signs about 'how a man made me feel' to evaluate if the relationship had potential.

In this I would accumulate proof generally to show myself that the man in question was not good enough because he did not do enough to make me feel good, would not call, send messages, say the right thing, give me the right importance.

I have seen myself walk into this pattern again and feeling resentment toward myself for not being able to stop but instead justifying why it was 'the right move' to check out all of the desired variables a man was meeting or not in my mental scale of disturbed values.

I say disturbed because I have noticed how I am able to delete perfectly good moments of sincere sharing and physical intimacy based on missed expectations and on that point alone how I start to build a whole case against someone, bringing in all of the reasons why it is ME not interested and not them and this accumulates in so much backchat that at the next change to talk or share a moment I am too resentful and spiteful to be in the moment to instead live the moment for what it is and not what 'it should be' according to my Mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for participating in this pattern even when I realized I was acting out a preprogrammed well known script that has never led to anything more than grief for all participants instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can choose to not participate when I see clearly what is going on because it is up to me to decide who I am in each moment of breath

When and as I see myself triggered into this pattern of wanting to accumulate evidence against someone to prove that they are not doing what they would be doing if they really cared, I stop, breathe, remind myself that it is me that must really care to stop my existence as self destructive and destructive patterns and breathe myself back here in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of any relationship I meet that I enjoy instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that when I participate in this fear of loss I will feel justified to start to build a case against someone so that I am the one not interested and as such hoping to be able to stop my 'fear of losing' because I am the one deciding I don't want the relationship and not the other part

When and as I see myself starting to fear losing something/someone I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that that what I really fear is the feel good moment I have participated in because I am aware that if I participate in 'feel good moments' I will have to face the 'feel bad moments' instead of bringing myself back here in and as breath and the moment I live which doesn't need to be energetically defined but just a moment like any other in which I participate in and as myself as breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my participation in this specific pattern of wanting to accumulate evidence of 'wrongdoings' based on unexpressed expectations that someone should mindread and comply to is insane and that I did not like this pattern when it was done onto me by my mother and my grandmother/grandfather as I was growing up where I ended up fearing every single word I said because I was never sure I could see all the dimension of a word and of a moment and how others could use it against me and as such, having been the recipient of such behavior I stand clear about not wanting to keep perpetrating this on others by looking at their words, actions or non actions on which I can superimpose meanings that are just my MEANings and then blame them for what I have interpreted vs what they really did or not do as I now see, realize and understand that I am just replaying a behavior I never wanted to question because I feared questioning the sanity of my actions and mental processes in fear that I would have to admit that I did turn out just like my mother, even though this was the last thing I wanted to do

When and as I see myself starting to accumulate imaginary evidence of others' wrongdoings, according to what I have accepted and allowed myself to define as 'wrong/uncaring' I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have seen, realized and understood that this behavior is based on self created definition of me as the mind and not what is best for me within what is best for all and I stop participating in and as my mind, forgive myself and move on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when an expectation I have created in my mind goes unattended, to accept and allow myself to become spiteful and think how can I get back to the other person so they too may feel let down as much as I do and within this for finding always new and creative ways to try and disguise the fact that this is what I am really doing when I think 'I won't call now until...' or 'I won't send a good night message' 'I won't call him/her anymore', so they will pick up how utterly disappointed I am at them, just like my mother used to do to me, instead I stop planning and plotting my imaginary 'lighthearted' revenges as I see, realize and understand this is all my own doing, I am the one who has built up the expectations and then I am the one who has believed in the perception of being let down and then I am the one who is designing the 'proper revenge' when there is just the need to dismantle my first starting point, the expectations, so there is nothing to imagine to be let down about and I won't drive myself through the whole pattern as a copycat of what I went through as I grew up

When and as I see myself wanting to take an action or a non action based on a desired retaliation for what I perceive someone else has done/not done to me, I stop, breathe, do not accept myself to participate in this pattern of revenge and retaliation no matter what excuse I see myself come up with to justify why it is not revenge or retaliation but just ............ and bring myself back here through breathing until I am no longer possessed by thoughts, feelings and emotions before I take any action including a non action.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire specific relationships that have to manifest in a specific way according to my own specified good or bad signs/omens as I see realize and understand that I was never specific as I believed myself to be, but just brainwashed into believing that 'those' were signs of things that were funtioning properly that I piled up from movies, books, dramas and have nothing to do with reality and real relationships in the physical of which I still know nothing about and that I have to give myself a chance to live and learn to self express beyond the limitations of my own accumulated knowledge and information

When and as I see myself looking for signs in a relationship that things are working out according to my preprogrammed list of 'good signs', I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have never had a successful relationship no matter how many good signs/omens I have found to follow and as such 'good signs' cannot be what I base my decisions for a relationship on and I will have to explore instead what is really supportive in a relationship with another human being and that can only happen if I do not allow myself to limit myself by 'signs/omens' but investigate by digging into the reasons, the motives, my starting point for everything I do beyond my comfort zone, until I clear myself enough to be able to assess what and if a relationship can bring to the table that can benefit me and all the party involved and be willing to let go if the points of support for both are not yet in place, until I design myself as a point of support and a point of self support that can stand equally stable alone or within a relationship.

I commit myself to unravel what I have created and defined as 'good relationships' so I can stop existing as a clone to what others walked before me and defined and then I took on as 'the truth' as I see realize and understand this is only my self defined, accepted and allowed truth with no foundation in the physical reality and I can let go what doesn't serve what is best for me within what is best for all to stop existing as a pattern of limiting beliefs, ideas and definitions that I then have to live out instead of learning how to self express Here stable in every moment of breath.

Related articles

• 172 - Fulfilling Self Interest in Relationships
• Day 290: Understanding & Facing Consequences
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Day 186: Social Engineering - The Downfall of Happiness

Just back from a week of idleness.

This morning I got up and I was just aware  that I had paralyzed myself into a place of nothingness, it's familiar, it's quite amazing as well how willing I am to return to the familiarity of a life that I created and sucked rather than push through to move into self discipline for Real Change, Self Discipline a total alien concept before I met Desteni, that reeked of constriction.

When I move into the nothingness of me and the desire to not exist, I look for things to distract myself, this week was TV nonsense and Dr. Phil's shows, the American psychologist that brings up 'current cases' of dysfunction and lives that don't work and are quite fucked up.

I used to read magazines for this purpose, reading the gossips about the rich and famous, looking for lives that obviously did not work, like mine, so I could say 'see, all your money and fame and look, you are not less fucked up than I am', this is why we enjoy magazines, it is not to dream about lives that seem out of reach, it is to look for lives that fail to attain the holy grail of happiness, the ever eluding feeling that shows us that we made it, we got how it all works and now nothing can push us out of balance, we are It.

I am not sure how I slid into this state either, it was an accumulation of 'bad news' from the newspapers we read, watching Obama on his way to reelection with an oblivious forgetful world missing out on all the promises he had made he had not stuck to, from Guantanamo to Afghanistan, to Healthcare and pipe dreams of social changes to come, watching the pantomime of Romney not making it regardless of the Money he put into the race, the celebration of The Illusion of Choice, the President of the derelicts getting his seat back because look, it's not Money that counts, not Romney that counts, it's Change, Freedom, a Black Man to show we can all make it up there not once, twice, stay tuned people, don't blow the bubble of the American Dream or you may just Wake Up.

As far as depressing news and reads we don't seem to joke either as a group, some of our Blogs are just like the News, just a tad too much Reality to not get occasionally buried in a pile of shit, I don't feel good doing what we have set out to do, reading what we write about, I look everywhere and I can't find the 'good feelings' anymore, this world is essentially cruel and sad, it's quite amazing the effort we have to go through to deny it, must be tiring as well to keep up with the Joneses of the Feeling Good Movement, I was tired of it, consumed by it, funny though, because this week I was still consumed, just on the other side of the swing, no wonder that between these 2 choices 'feeling good or feeling bad' it's a no brainer what we'll choose, and it's a no brainer how to move us 'en masse' towards desired outcomes, it's called 'Social Engineering'.

Obama stands as the example, it would have felt 'too bad' to put RMoney in Power, what about the poor, the ones that still have only the Dream of a good Life? The world is -apparently- rising against Inequality, we'll keep it down with the Illusion that the Poor Won -again-, there is nowhere else to aspire to, You Poor Ones are already sitting at the Highest Public Office in the World, now feel good about it, celebrate and go back to sleep.

What moved me out of this pitiful useless state were a few points mentioned in the reads I have done these past days, in between Dr. Phil's shows glorifying the 'Happy State' we can all reach if we just make a few adjustments.

One was a sentence Cerise mentioned in one of her Blogs, "I see your Point but I still don't Care"

"Sure, we may want to keep our word. We may want to honour our commitments. We may want to change the world. But we don't. In order for us to develop self discipline, we need to start by actually forcing ourselves to walk that which we have committed to walk - there is no other way."

It's the forcing that stroke a cord inside me, because there is no other way to say this, it won't happen unless we FORCE ourselves past our resistances to stick to our commitments, it is not something we seek or look forward to because 'it doesn't feel good', which proves the point that we are driven by a make belief internal reward system for quick biochemical fixes, basically we are drug addicts unwilling to give up our drug of choice 'happiness', we don't even realize what goes on inside of us that generates the 'happy feeling', well most of us don't, Big Pharma does, this is why they have concocted chemical cocktails to 'regulate the happiness output', they call them 'mood re-balancing', they move us from sad and hopeless into happy and chirpy, at least we function, we can get back into out slot in the system and stop the questioning.

What if we realized what is really happening to us, the manipulation, the Mind Control on the swing from Fear to Happy, that would be quite horrifying, imagine waking up to the truth of this reality of what we made out of it, of being forced to being born into the consequences of an existence that is deteriorating as we write, where nothing is Real, from Human relationships to Politics, to Food to the Healthcare System, we do see what is going on, but Happiness is such a drive, it is more, it's a Driver, the one that runs the choices we make, the directions we take, the desires we have and are being sold in our elusive search for Happiness, having equated Happiness with a satisfying life and being rewarded with the accomplishment of a good job.

Hence Desteni stands as the perfect example of how to push oneself, as there is no reward or happiness to be had in walking a process of Self Correction, both points that I am still accepting and allowing to drive me and my choices, as when I don't have access to Happiness I wish to at least be rewarded, at least see that we are reaching more people, and yet this setup is just perfect, it is a space in which each one of us will grow out of our addiction, it is 'La Hacienda' for the drug addicts we have become, in which we have group support and yet we stand alone, in which each one of us is required to become Self responsible about seeking the support others are writing because, as amazing as it seems, as I live through my own shit, someone writes about it and I see MySelf in their writings, not necessarily as they intended, which is the example of a few of Marlen's Blogs this week, in which each title was a thud on my head even when she only spoke about herself and in fact what 'I read' in the Title had nothing to do with what she wrote, but I read what I needed to read to get back up and moving again, because Self Interest is an Obstacle to real Change, as I seek happiness for myself alone and Self Sabotage is Self Interest, because the Sabotage allows me to just keep doing 'That thing I do' which will have the same outcome that led me here, unless I stop and let go of my delusion and desire fr a 'Happy Life' so I can start living and discover what the Hell Life is All about when I get off the Junkie Train of Emotions and Feelings.

Tomorrow will write out my Self Forgiveness for my Right to my own Pursuit of Happiness 

Related articles

• 203. The Acceptance of Heaven is the Allowance of Hell
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Day 72: Tolle Teachings, Cashing in on Good Feelings and Acceptance

A simple but radical spiritual practice is to accept whatever arises in the Now — within & without. ~E. Tolle

There is plenty of evidence going around that is spelling that what is in fact 'arising in the Now' is NOT What is Best for All, and Not even What is Best for the people who are giving in to committing such crimes.

We know too little about Consciousness, What it is and How it Works to Trust that everything that arises from it is in fact Good and Acceptable.

Yesterday there was a news about a

Russian mother of 30 who threw her hids from the 15th floor because she just had enough of them.

These are Today's News

A man brutally attacked a grandmother with a Machete in her home

Chases neighbour before strangling and eating his dog

Gunman gave a sarcastic laugh after pulling the trigger and killing Indian Student at Close Range

A former police detective battered his partner senseless with a baseball bat in front of their two children and then stabbed her in the throat

An eight-month-old baby is recovering in hospital after having both her hands chopped by grandmother who then attempted suicide

Our Mind are Mine Fields that we have set up for and as ourselves that are going to show us, Who Is Boss, unless We become the Boss of ourselves by becoming Self responsible Human being, realigning what we have weaved into a Spider Web of Energetic relationship, back into Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All.

At the moment we are in No Way Able to stand and Trust ourselves as The Mind, not even for making the conscious choice for example to NOT be racist, as racism exist at other levels of ourselves that may be not conscious and of which we may be not conscious about.

Racism is hardwired into the Human Brain and people can be prejudiced without knowing it

We are hardwired for separation, it will have to be through our own Self Will and Self Directive principle to Stand Up and Stop.

The above are just examples of individuals losing it, but as within, so without, everything seems to have lost some marbles (or all of them), the Corporates are geared for Profit above What is Best for All and What would be supportive for Life, Politics has been swallowed by the Money system and so has Democracy, of which the World has never seen not even a pale example, the Money System has taken a Life of its own, from which we have separated ourselves and we have made ourselves in no way able to tackle this Monster that is now swallowing Life and lives as it moves unchecked through the World and every single World System, from education, to healthcare, to science, bending them to the service of The Profit Making Law Ruling the World.

And so for Mr. Tolle and the others who are Tolling around, cashing in on the good feelings that they sell, please STOP, you are doing a great disservice to yourself and to Life, Life is NOT about feeling good and Living the Dream, as that is just a consumer sales pitch, Life is about considering All Equally and giving what we would like to receive, and becoming aware that what in fact arises within and without is becoming every day more inhumane and we cannot accept this as 'The Way Things Are' because in this we become the very Demons the World is filled with and is mirroring back to Us, instead it is Time to Stop our Demonic Race to nowhere, having  accepted and allowed to separate ourselves from everythng that exists to the point that we are no longer aware that all that is arising within and without is Self, One and Equal, and each one of us has the responsibility to fix themselves and re-fit into the puzzle as worthy self responsible Human Beings, then a World that is Worth living in will be born for Life and What is best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to images of the violence and the Demonic side of Humanity, desiring to separate myself from what is going on in the world because I don't want to be a part of it as I rather be apart from it, instead of realizing that the World is mirroring me as Self and what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become and that Hell won't stop until I stop my existence as a Devourer of Life, seeking for Experiences and Following Desires that I call Life but that are not Life as Life exists only Here in and as Breath, One and Equal for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am better than the people that are in the news displaying in full force their Demonic Side, as the de-manned side of themselves, showing the extent of possession we can go to if giving in to Consciousness as The Mind, and that just because I engaged in the polarity of Good and Feeling Good I am in no way associated with the Ones who have been left with the polarity of Bad and Feeling Bad, that led them through acts of Evil, Equal and One to my own participation in the 'Good End of the Stick' as the Mind Consciousness System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when looking at the Demonic news of what is going on in the world, because feeling bad allows me to think and believe that I am good, because I feel bad, instead of seeing that whatever I feel I am charging the Mind Consciousness System with Energy that I mine out of my own physical substance and so I am as much an Abuser of Life as anyone else on the Planet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in the past to seek for those 'feel good' crap teachings because I desired to NOT look at the world and the state it is in, because even when I perceived I paid my due and felt bad about it, I was always left with the sense that maybe possibly we should do something about it but did not know what as I had judged myself as useless and hopeless within this system to Change anything, failing to see that this Change has to start with and as Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear what is ahead of us and the manifested consequences we are going to face for what we have done to ourselves and each other as One, while we lived our careless Lifes of Desires and Experiences believing that it was the Life we were supposed to live and strive for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that if I had this extensive desire to Feel Good it was because I was never Fine with this world and the way things are, and that Feeling Good was my escape from the Reality of existence as Our Manifested Consequences, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I only had 2 choices, to feel bad or to feel good, failing to see that I was imprinted with the Desire to feel Good as the basis for me to accept the Consumerism System that would then SELL me the Feeling Good experiences that I could buy by selling myself out and keeping quiet about this world and the state of existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to watch my mum struggle with Life, trying to make sense of it as she was a miss-fit like me and for willingly embracing the system as me in fear that I would end up like her, from one psichosis to depression, while if I jumped on the bandwagon of the system, the system would take care of me and provide for me like it promised to all who toed the line

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear turning out like my mum in her dis-ease for Life as it is, that I made myself look for excuses and reasons to make sense of this senseless existence by seeking and  joining all the Soothsayers of the World that talked about Love and Hope and why it All In Fact Made sense even though evidence was everywhere that IT DID NOT but I chose to close my eyes and NOT look or I would have to question this existence and myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to despise myself for seeking peace in a world at war, where my own wars and conflict I kept suppressed and hidden because I did not want to face the point that I was existing in and as conflict within myself and I did not know how to self correct myself as existence without the tools that I have been given by Desteni, and so I just did nothing and sought my own peace, making myself a piece of the problem and not a part of the Solution

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I agree with my mum when she tellls me that we have to look for the good in the world otherwise this existence wouldn't make sense, because I feared not agreeing and being the cause of her breakdown instead of the support that I believed I was by agreeing that there is GOOD in this world, even though all the good was self interest in action and investments to be collected at a later date

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for agreeing with my mum in fear that she may lose it again and as she said 'throw herself off the balcony' unless she could make sense and justify this existence, and so I suppress myself when she tells me she doesn't want to watch movies like 'The Millionaire' in which the background of Misery runs in the background as the Truth of this world, and this would make her Feel Bad, and instead I support the sharing of the Feel Good Movies that tell stories of redemption and how Life does in fact make sense, because I rather not rock the boat at home to a point where I fear I won't be able to give proper support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I second my mum because within this system if she cracked again there is noone able to offer proper support, because everything has been turned into a Money making practice, including psychological support to people that suffer from Mind Imbalances, and I fear introducing Self Forgiveness because she has already mocked me for it and failed to see the point, believing that what we do is atonement and she has done enough of it, instead of seeing Self Forgiveness is Not Atonement and is Not Self Blame, it is the crossing over from irresponsible Mind Controlled Machines into Self Response-Ability, it's the building up and correction of oneself to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sharing the practice of self Forgiveness, in fear of being labelled as a Member of a Cult, instead of seeing I have lived a life as a member of a Cult, the Cult of Culture, the Cult of Capitalism, the Cult of the religion of Self and Freedom of Choice and I am just now walking out of all Cults, so I can become Me as Life, Here in and as Breath, no longer supporting the Cult-ish existence of this World to the Money God and restoring Self Trust to myself by walking in and as the correction for myself and All of Existence Equal and One.

I commit myself to show that what we believed was valuable as in 'Feeling Good' in fear of 'Feeling Bad' IS NOT real, that our Imagined Freedom of Choice is a Trap that polarizes and divides us, making it impossible to Stand together as One for our Self as Life and the World, and that it is necessary to STOP our existence as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become to Stand in and as Self Correction for ourselves and the World, for Life and What is Best for All, Equal and One.